


Common past

by aminopropyl



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Casual Sex, Drugs, Eventual Happy Ending, Family Issues, Family Secrets, First Dates, First Love, First Time, Fluff and Smut, Friendship/Love, Light Angst, M/M, Meeting after yeras, School, Self-Harm, Suicide Attempt, Violence, fears, hometown, possible cultural and societal inappropriateness, socially offensive language
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-28
Updated: 2021-02-17
Packaged: 2021-03-06 07:49:20
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 26
Words: 118,564
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25570024
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aminopropyl/pseuds/aminopropyl
Summary: Donghyuck and Mark have been friends since childhood. They spent every spare moment with each other. One day, however, Mark disappeared, leaving Donghyuck alone with memories and a handful of unanswered questions.What will be their meeting after years?Is there any chance of rebuilding lost friendship?Will they be able to accept their mistakes that they once made?Donghyuck - 18Minhyung - 22
Relationships: Lee Donghyuck | Haechan/Mark Lee
Comments: 53
Kudos: 69





	1. Return

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! 
> 
> This story is actually completed as I decided to move it here from Wattpad. I just plan to make simple corrections to the plot and revise mistakes.
> 
> So if you know Common Past, you can just read it again and see what will be changed and if you're not familiar with this story, I'll be happy to write for you and introduce it once again ♥

There are things in life that we miss. We want them to remain unchanged but continuous development is in the nature of this world. We are just humans - we want to have a place where return will be always possible; no matter where we run and how far our legs will go. Man seeks the constancy in this mortal coil, the elements that he will be able to cling when he'll get lost in the depths of life.

For me it was always Ansan - a haven. I was afraid of change. I was afraid of what my home town might look like today. However, the time has passed and my neighborhood still looks after five years almost identically like it used to be. _Nothing has changed,_ I thought _. Nothing changes here._ The same houses, the same alleys and dark recesses, the same calm neighborhood.

I drove slowly to the driveway of my old home. Home or rather the abandoned, complete ruin that has been waiting for me for the last half decade with its sad history sealed in the stale walls. I got off hurriedly from the car, admiring the work of destruction that was created by the combination of the forces of nature and man. The backyard was high above the grass belt, weeds and shrubs that no one planted here. Uninvited guests, using the free premises in the absence of the owner. The broken windows looked at me with emptiness and sadness, as if to give me the pain of years passing away in solitude.

That's how my birthday present looked like. It was homecoming to the place where my life lay in decay.

I walked carefully through the creaking stairs to the porch preserved by the climate. I passed carefully the hole in flooring, the door forced open, welcoming the cool interior of the house that once filled the life and traces of family warmth. The only thing I saw now was the spiderwebs, the broken bottles and the complete emptiness of the stolen furniture.

Twenty-two years of life in this world is enough to experience suffering and too little to fully experience what life truly is. Adults seem to be stable. The society sets you up to fulfill a certain role, gives you responsibilities and creates the profile of the ideal citizen it would like to adopt in it's arms.

After all, I was lost. As if I was omitted from the plan of creating an ideal world where everyone gets their part to play and I do not get any. Because my way was empty. I had a hole in my heart that could not be pinched.

I missed him.

I've missed all these years, living in the hope that he didn't forget me. That he still keeps me in his mind.

But did he still live here? Hence they all fled. No one wanted to spend their life here, to grow old in peace and unnaturalness, surrounded by the same faces that radiate and fade, leaving years behind in oblivion.

Nearly all the house was down the tube. It has to be renovated. It seemed like I'll have a lot of work and my uncle will have to spent a lot of money. I was hoping that I would come here and be able to write a book quietly but found a brothel and at least a month's lodging at the hotel.

I left home with the thought that I was already tired of looking at this ruin. The prospect of renewal of this junk yard sucked away the remnants of optimism. I have already regretted even arriving at this place because there was not even any hope of a positive reception here.

Standing on the threshold, I saw in the distance the man who apparently walked in my direction. This plot was surrounded by forest, there was nothing worth seeing here. To be honest, I myself would be afraid to come here without a company. The area with an abandoned house falling into ruin was rather unsuitable for the postcard. After some time, the shape has changed from dark spots. I saw a boy in a school uniform who didn't look like a person who forgot to steal a firewood from a destroyed living room. The closer he came, the more he seemed to look familiar. Somehow like...

My heart stopped for a moment.

My heart started to beat faster.

When our eyes met, I knew he didn't recognize me. But he hardly changed. Besides that... He simply sprouted from a boy into a man.

My kiddo...

He held in hands a small cupcake with a candle stucked in it fecklessly. I smiled under breath.

"You can't enter here" he shouted, keeping a safe distance. Boy frowned nicely, defending himself fiercely against the rays of the morning sun, which apparently limited his visibility. "What are you looking for?" He asked, bettering the backpack that almost fell from his shoulder. I decided to leave the shade of the porch.

"Hi, Hyuckie..." I said softly, taking a few steps forward. Donghyuck froze in place and expression of his face changed drastically. He looked as if he had just seen the ghost. I did not held a grudge against him. Actually his behavior was quite understandable.

I don't know how long we looked at each other, standing in silence and stillness. It could have been minutes, maybe even hours. I didn't care about that. I just didn't want it to end. Suddenly a strong gust of wind blew up, shifting ominously over the crowns of trees. There was a loud hissing of forest song around us.

"Minhyung..." he finally whispered as if he didn't trust his words to the end. I sent him a hesitant smile, nodding head slowly for confirmation. But when I dared to take a step toward him, Donghyuck dropped the cupcake from his hands, backed away a little...

...and then escaped.

♥

I left home at dawn like every year that day.

August 2nd.

Mom didn't even ask. I just left with her silent consent.

I didn't understand myself. I didn't understand why I was still doing it. It's been so many years and the only thing left of my memories is a card from Canada, which I received from him on 13th birthday. This was the last sign of life on the part of an old friend.

Every year the same thing. Each year I promised myself that this time will be the last one. That a stupid wish and a blow-out candle will not fix anything. That a foolish wish and a blow-out candle will not make him magically come back.

And like every year at the end I ended up on the dirt road, heading for the house, which year by year looked worse and worse. I couldn't change it. I lived from day to day. I lived my life, sometimes forgetting him, sometimes remembering his face in the least expected circumstances. This was Minhyung for me - a patchwork of memories that were reminiscent of memories that sometimes found their embodiment in random events of my everyday life.

This neighborhood scared me. It was empty here, not a single living soul, which probably always deepened my fear. This year's theme song of my journey after this remote area was an old hit, which somehow came back to the graces this summer. _Tell me_ by Wonder Girls revived again in the Korean radio, sticking to my mouth to kill the anxiety and loneliness of this walk.

Finally, from the distance, I saw the outline of the old Lee family house but it wasn't the only outline that came out of my view. There was a black car on the driveway that didn't quite match the landscape. I panicked. I didn't know if it's definitely a good idea to go there. The unconscious touches sent me pictures of the mafioso hiding a black bag with other corpses under the rotten floor boards. After a moment of delay, however, I moved slowly towards the house, thinking that it wasn't all that I had gone through in life to die in such a stupid way.

There was a blond haired man on the threshold. I wasn't able to say anything about him except he was quite tall because I was unfortunate to face the sun. I wrinkled nose, gathering the courage to do anything.

"You can't enter here. What are you looking for? " I shouted uncertainly, clenching fingers tighter on the chocolate muffin. The distance between us allowed me to deceive that in case of danger I would be able to quickly get the hell out of here.

"Hi, Hyuckie..." I heard a hoarse welcome from the man's mouth. _How did he know my name?_ But when the boy came out a bit from the shade, I didn't have to look for that answer anymore. In a moment, I felt as if all my blood escaped somewhere, leaving body paralyzed and cold.

Minhyung...

The strong winds rose, making the tree crowns move. Nature hummed as if it didn't understand what it was witnessing either.

Minhyung...

I wanted to cry, throwing everything at my weak psyche, which again began to bend the reality. What illusions can be so real to this degree. I looked in the eyes of the boy and saw in them the reflection of me, the reflection of us, the reflection of the past.

"Minhyung..." I whispered softly, looking at his insecure smile. He nodded slowly, as if confirming my words. But when he stepped on my side, I quickly got up from this lethargy. My hand shuddered, dropped the cupcake on the ground and my legs unconditionally pulled me to the other side...

As far away from him as possible.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'll be happy to know your expectations to the plot and first impression.
> 
> Hope you enjoyed it.
> 
> Next chapters are much longer.


	2. Lies

_I was lying in the glade, enjoying every upcoming summer day. The weather was aiding a merriment in the open air, playing with colleagues and sitting up late around the campfire. In the noons like that you can feel there is easefulness and the joy that this state wasn't disturbed by anything._

_"Minhyuuuung...?" I muttered under breath to fight the uncertainty in my voice. In the end, hyung was four years older than me. He was already big, strong and grown up. Sometimes I wondered why he wastes his time sitting with me. After all, he could spend time with his friends, do adult things, ignore a kid like me._

_"Hm?" Muttered with closed eyes, not even looking at me. I knew that as usual he was deep in his personal thoughts. He was doing it rather often. He was closing in his private world. And as usual - I interrupted him._

_"We'll be friends forever?" I asked fearfully, as if Minhyung was about to melt in the air, leave me and go to another, older company. He was like a brother I never had - elder brother guardian. His job was to protect me and never leave, is that right? Hyung looked at me with a smile, ruffling my hair._

_"Of course," he said with conviction. "I won't leave you"._

You lied, Minhyung...

You lied.

I crashed into the classroom at the last moment, barely able to catch air in the lungs. There was still a pause. Some people gave me a glance but I couldn't care less.

"Jeno!" I shouted hysterically, running towards my friend. The boy looked at me in amazement. "Jeno!" I shouted for the second time, sitting up abruptly in my seat on the desk.

"What happened?" He asked with a sincere surprise, grabbing my hands quickly. I was clearly tembling, I knew it. I didn't notice only the moment when my tears began to flow from cheeks. "Donghyuck?" The boy whispered with anxiety in his eyes. He always looked at me that way when I had bad days and I closed up. He never ceased to worry about my mental state, even after being pushed away so many times. But I needed him now for a completely different reason. I needed him at the first moment of a strange joy which I had not experienced in a long time. I needed him in my good day.

"Minhyung came back," I smiled uncertainly, sniffling. He didn't understand anything. I saw it in his eyes full of doubt. I wasn't surprised. I even didn't know whether what I said was true. How many times before have I succumbed to this illusion? How many times did Jeno have to prove to me that it's just my imagination that hurts me in such a cruel way again?

"What?"

"He came back, Jeno," I laughed, still crying. A friend hugged me gently to his chest, probably as shocked as I was. "He came back."

♥

_I liked to lie in the clearing. It was always quiet here, no one bothered me and I could gather my confused thoughts alone. The wind lightly fluttered my face, effectively healing the warmth of summer sunshine._

_"Minhyuuuung...?" Donghyuck uncertainly started one of his many questions lately. I sighed inwardly, wondering when this strange stage of his curiosity would pass. I couldn't blame him for that. Either way, he was still a child._

_"Hm?" I murmured reluctantly, tearing mind away from looking for answers to my own questions. And I had quite a bit of them. Three quarters concerned this unruly kid who loved to bust my ass every time I had the impression that I found all the sense in that. And I loved him anyway when he did it. Because I was afraid to get the answers, although their content subconsciously I've known for a long time. The truth was that..._

_"We'll be friends forever?"_

_...that I loved this kid. And every time he looked at me that way, I couldn't control my heart. I knew he was too young and too stupid to understand this. He treated me like a friend, like a brother who will always save him from trouble. I couldn't expect him to feel the same because he just didn't know anything about love in the world. I knew I would have to wait a long time, perhaps never getting a clear answer to this question._

_"Of course," I said with conviction, sending him a warm smile. "I won't leave you"._

I lied, Donghyuck.

I lied.

I was lying idly on the hotel bed and staring at the ceiling. I often thought about how much I would like to turn back time and return once more to this clearing. Relish with this carelessness, compose endless questions - unanswered, live with him, live next to him, have him for the asking.

I smiled under breath.

 _He's still pretty_ , I thought.

Just like before.

I still had his surprised face before my eyes, wrinkled from looking at the sun nose, lips uncertainly forming my name. Was it possible at all that my feelings for him didn't weaken at all? After all, it's been five years, hundreds of guys have gone through my bed but my mind was still at that unattainable boy, from which I was separated by almost nine thousand kilometers.

I glanced at the nightstand, where a chocolate muffin with a broken candle was still standing.

The only positive thing about this whole situation was that Donghyuk probably didn't forget me either.

I lit slowly the wick, watching patiently as it dealt with fire. I found out that it behove to make a wish. But I didn't know if it's somehow too much. My dreams definitely went beyond what was small candle able to carry. But apparently - nothing ventured, nothing gained, so I quickly put a request in mind and blew out the flame.

"Happy birthday, Mark," I whispered softly, smiling under breath.

♥

"It's been so many years..." Renjun sighed nostalgically.

"Five years three months and four days," I whispered unconsciously, concentrating all boys' gaze on me. Did I really say that out loud?

"Donghyuck..." Jaemin hesitantly started.

"It may not be the same guy anymore," said Jeno, ending his friend's sentence. I was grateful they were so gentle with me anyway. I glanced down at our shoes, striking evenly with the soles of hot asphalt.

"I know about it, Jeno..." I muttered after a long moment of silence between us. We all were experiencing todays occurrences in our own ways. "I was just..." I began, almost breaking off at once. Have my confessions been not too embarrassing? Bang it. They already knew everything about me. "...I'm glad I saw him, you know? I missed him... "I added uncertainly, shrugging. They didn't respond to this sudden confession. We walked for a long time in strange silence.

"Did you talk to him at all?" Jeno asked in the end, as though he already knew that changing the subject was not the point.

"No" I denied. "It was such a shock to me that I escaped." Renjun started laughing and my cheeks became red. Maybe an adulthood was knocking at our door but we were all still terribly childish. I was no exception.

"Do you want to do that?" Jaemin apparently preferred to make sure.

"Of course!" I responded immediately. After a while, however, I scratched neck. "Just... I'm not ready so far," I shrugged. I looked up at the sky, sighing hard. I had the impression that too many things suddenly collapsed on my head. Minhyung's return probably still didn't reach me. "I have no idea what to ask him," I whispered. "About what talk to him".

"You have the time" Jeno discovered his a good-natured personality. "Since he has just arrived, it won't be like he'll disappear overnight."

"Well, I won't be that sure in that case" Renjun threw a rather not funny joke but still we all laughed.

"You have to admit it, he's got that skill mastered to perfection," Jeno said, his arm hugging me warmly. Boy shook me a few times until finally I smiled, acknowledging Renjun's rib as funny one.

♥

"How did you feel when you came back?" Johnny asked me, sitting in front of his laptop most likely naked. From time to time an unfamiliar man flashed in the background. I shook head in disapproval. This one aspect of his personality probably will never change. Eternal hunter.

"Strangely," I admitted without hesitation. No one said that returning after such a time of absence is easy. "There's a lot to do. This house is ruin" I sighed heavily.

"Can you do it all alone?" He asked, his voice anxious. But I knew that in the depths of his heart he probably isn't worried. At least there was a small chance for its untruth.

"I won't let the strangers in there" Johnny gave me a look of doubt. I was surrounded. The woman from the bar looked at me too. Many people did it. Or very rarely they heard people speaking English, or simply in the world, I was different from them in just the way they know. The locals sometimes sensed from afar when someone wasn't. "I can do it," I assured the man. Dark-skinned male came up to Johnny and the boy gave him some banknotes, not even looking at him.

"Man, as I'm going to settle my case in Chicago, I'll get in there."

"Thanks, man," I said, not very enthusiastic. We both knew he was going to arrive for already renovated house. This friend definitely didn't like to overwork himself.

"You already found _him_?" He asked, leaning over the monitor. I laughed under breath. The Chicago boy's smile clearly indicated that he still didn't believe me that I wanted to start a serious life here. He lived in the belief that I had come to Korea to entertain myself and I would be back to Canada soon.

"I didn't have to search," I whispered, looking out the window to the street. Life really did trick us. We couldn't find ouselves for five years. As if life has carpeted our future path with gags. I have the feeling that the fate now pushed us to each other somehow. Such a whim, which wrote down our several years. I watched Donghyuck walking the other side of the road with his friends. They pushed each other and laughed as if the glowing sun had given them strength. The boy looked happy. "He came to me himself".

"And like a conversation went after years?". I laughed in reply.

"He got away as soon as he saw me, so I guess not so well," Johnny couldn't hide his amusement either. "I'll give him some time," I added, sighing heavily.


	3. Under the tree

For an hour I was sitting over math tasks, looking blankly at cards filled with numbers. My thoughts, however, were far from all these equations. I went on holiday classes to catch up with all my backlogs but since Minhyung returned to Ansan, I couldn't focus on anything. The boy crept into my thoughts and completely absorbed them. I was constantly fantasizing about our likely next meeting. I was looking forward to the day we would magically bump into each other, or Mark would contact me, though he hadn't been able to do so in the last five years. Just silly thoughts of a teenage boy head over heels with his puppy love.

They say the first loves are never the ones forever.

That first loves are doomed to failure.

That first loves always have something of star-crossed lovers.

I didn't want to believe it because it was cruel. And life itself was like that. I wanted this cruelty to stay away from me. I had suffered enough to let my only hope kill me - my only fantasy that was still holding me with both feet in this world.

The day was bleak. Rain had been pouring down since the morning, crushing the plants with the weight of its drops. Sky covered with clouds negated the existence of life outside. People were sitting in the houses, the birds stopped singing and the sleepy aura surrounded the whole neighborhood.

_We were going home from school in a stuffy afternoon. The air was heavy and unpleasant; Our moods were ruined. We slowly pulled our foot behind feet, lengthening the route as much as we could. We didn't have a mood to talk with each other at all._

_Minhyung stared at the sky as if he saw something extraordinary there. In the last few days he didn't talk much. He was just spending time with me. I knew that lately his home was not the best place to live. People scolded his father. They made a rumor that he was overusing alcohol and abusing family. Minhyung didn't mention anything to me but once I saw the bruises on his body. He remained silent on this matter. Like on all the rest in many other cases. I, in turn, pretended that I didn't know anything and continued beeing in this strange agreement, ignoring the mutual need for sincere conversation._

_"Did you feel it?" The boy asked suddenly, sending me a puzzled look. Before I could answer him anything, rain came from the sky. My body went through an unpleasant shiver that was caused by the cold water crashing with my sun-warmed skin. I was dumbstruck._

_Minhyung's hand gently wrapped mine and after a while we both ran forward. I had no idea where my friend was pulling me but I trusted him enough that I didn't even ask anything. I let myself beeing lead between high grass fields, ignoring the rapid heartbeat that was triggered by our intertwined fingers._

_I have felt it for a long time - that something is wrong with me, as it shouldn't be that way. When we were with Minhyung close together, I felt much different from before. I thought I would say something stupid, that I was immature, childish and too young to hang around with him. My heart dangerously accelerated when our shoulders accidentally rubbed and my cheeks flushed blushes whenever our eyes met each other for longer time span. I didn't know what was going on with me. I've been thinking about this for a long time but I denied a similar opportunity._

_It wasn't normal._

_It couldn't click._

_After a moment we hid under the tree, panting hard. Minhyung laughed under breath, leaning arm on the trunk. I involuntarily mirrored his expression, ignoring the fact of our still intertwined hands. When the boy looked me in the eyes, I looked down. Almost immediately, however, I felt his finger lifting my chin up. Minhyung's eyes were exuberant, as something opposite to the present weather. For the first time in a long time he showed me his sincere smile._

_"You'll get cold," he whispered, embracing my shoulders._

It was the time when I first looked at Minhyung differently than a friend.

A week later, Minhyung disappeared.

♥

Since the morning it was raining and unpleasant shade lay on the ground, closing the world on external stimuli. I liked this weather. The area was filled with silence and calmness. No one was walking in the streets, no one was making a noise, everyone was falling asleep, absorbing the gloomy mood. Such conjuncture perfectly reflected my general sensation, complemented me - it nourished my need for seclusion and silence filled with contradictory emotions of the soul.

Looking at the wet asphalt, I wondered whether my present life wasn't a punishment for the sins of youth and the present state of mind was penance for the pain and suffering that I poured into other people.

_I dragged him behind me, as if my life depended on it. I didn't want this run to end. I clenched fingers on his, as if all my present existence would consist in that. I never wanted to let go of that warm hand that radiated my every day and added encouragement._

_When we ran under the tree, I couldn't catch breath. I was definitely not the type of athlete. I laughed under breath. It was raining but I was paradoxically happy. In the end, I still kept Donghyuck's hand. The boy smiled at me uncertainly, as if he didn't understand what pleased me so much. I looked into his eyes but boy quickly glanced down at shoes, slightly blushing._

_Charming kid._

_I lifted his chin up with finger. I wasn't even fully aware of this move. All this aura worked on me somehow irrational. I wanted to kiss him. In the end ignore the barriers that divide us and act in spite of social norms. However, I did not. I couldn't. I was afraid of rejection._

_"You'll catch a cold," I whispered, embracing him with my arms. Hugging Donghyuck was the only sensible way out of this awkward situation._

I didn't know then that I wouldn't see him for the next five years.

I won't be able to see those laughing eyes.

I won't be able to take him in my arms.

I won't be able to feel alive anymore.

I still loved him.

Despite the differences we currently have, I wanted to take him seriously. Not like a cub like when we were 13 and 17 years old. I wanted him now as a man but I had no idea how to do it.

♥

I was sitting in a history class, looking out the window at the school parking. In the area, there were still many puddles after last week's torrential rains. Alternatively, it was stuffy and hot and then rainy and cold. These continuous dissonances in some way distracted me. I've always been a person who the mental landscape concerned. My emotional state has been strangely connected to nature for several years. I also listened to _PEACE_ playlist on Spotify so I can clear my head. Supposedly, this type of music was of therapeutic use, however, I believed all these doctors and psychologists on average. I never felt they really helped me.

I was wondering what Minhyung is doing right now.

Is he still in Ansan or has he already left? I wanted to see him, talk to him, ask him for explanations. Ask if he's fully aware that he has made my life hell with his disappearance. 

Does he know what I went through to get him back and what I went through, accepting that I won't be able to bring it off?

Does he know how he destroyed my view of the world and to what extent he has caused my emotional desolation?

Does he know how much I miss him, although theoretically after that time I should be able to erase him from memory and start a new life?

Does he know that I couldn't do that, living the last five years alone with my memories and feeding my imagination with blurred images of the past?

Does he know...?

I watched him slowly getting out of the car, combing hair casually with fingers. The grimace on his face didn't give too much enthusiasm. I quickly nudged Jeno with elbow and he immediately leaned toward the window.

"Oh, fuck" boy whispered as if saw a ghost. As if saw for the first time something believed to be unreal, something what supposed to be dead but strangely resurrected. "Wow, he became handsome through all these years," added just after Minhyung disappeared from our view.

"He's always been handsome" I whispered more to myself than to a friend.

As soon as the bell rang the end of the class, I ran out of the room like a burned, running down the ground floor in the silly hope of meeting him. I didn't know if I would tell him anything or I'll be able to just look at him. It didn't matter at all. I just wanted to touch him. Make sure he's real. That I didn't make it up again. 

I didn't pay any attention to the people around me. Every now and then I hit someone with a shoulder, feeling the time passing as if I was taking part in some race against time. My wild run was interrupted only by the head-on collision with someone else's back during leaving school.

"Sorry," I whispered indistinctly, hastily bowing.

"You haven't changed at all" I heard a calm, male voice. "You're still not watching your step".

"Minhyung," I muttered indistinctly, stepping back. The boy smiled faintly at me as if he didn't know how to respond to this sudden meeting. I had such emptiness in my head that I didn't even think what he was doing in our old school. 

"Dong..." Minhyung started but I didn't let him finish, recovering my voice in a sudden act of courage.

"If you're going to leave me again, don't even try to open your mouth," I said straight from the shoulder. It wasn't entirely true. I wanted him in every form. Even if we were to spend a few seconds with each other, I would do anything to use this time the best I'll be able to. However, which normal person would say something like that to someone he hasn't seen for five years. Minhyung, however, only laughed quietly, biting lower lip.

"Are you hungry?" He asked timidly, scratching neck nervously.

♥

I was looking at Donghyuck trying to remember every detail of his face. I compared that kid I left with this kid I met on my return. The difference was diametrical. He grew up terribly. Donghyuck used to be a lot lower than me and now we've not shared such a significant difference in height. Donghyuck's features have already begun to lose all their childish qualities in favor of these typically grown, adult. I was delighted to be able to watch him from a distance. We didn't have to talk to each other. Looking at him was definitely sufficient for me.

But boy didn't seem to be as delighted with our meeting like me. Maybe the decisive fact was that he was the destination of my arrival and unlike me - he didn't expect this meeting. Maybe this situation was new to both of us but it was probably accompanied by different emotions. Life must have taken care of our destiny in different ways when we were unable to see each other. It has shaped our psyche, reaction and expectations in various ways. Since we used to be very different, now the extent of these differences was currently beyond estimation.

Donghyuck rummaged about in plate, very rarely putting anything in his mouth. He shifted the grains of rice from one place to another, more like playing with the meal than satisfying hunger. Still, his gaze seemed incredibly focused on what he was doing, as if all the answers to the questions that haunted him were hidden between those grains of rice. Finally boy put down the chopsticks beside the plate.

"Doesn't it taste good?" I asked uncertainly, making eye contact with him.

"Why did you come here?" He finally asked, keeping that exchange of glances. This question surprised me. It wasn't exactly what I expected but I couldn't blame him for it. I was the one who left. 

"It's a long story," I replied evasively.

"So why did you leave?"

"It... is even longer story, I suppose," I chuckled, looking away from him, concentrating vision on the view behind the window. Between us came up a silence full of tension and understatements. The atmosphere was definitely unpleasant. I didn't plan it. On the other hand, someone might ask, _what did I expect from inviting him to dinner then?_ That I would just stare at him and spend the rest of our lives like this without any explanation in the friendly gossip? I was born naive and stupid and I was probably meant to die with such character traits too.

After a few minutes I dared to look at the boy again. He was staring at me with slightly glazed eyes. I swallowed. I didn't think I would make him cry during the first conversation.

"Then why are we sitting here if you don't even have anything to say to me?" He asked weakly, frowning. I saw that he tried very hard not to give emotion to take control but it definitely wasn't working.

"Donghyuck..." I sighed softly. I began to wonder why nothing ever goes my way.

"You disappeared without a word, you are away the fuckwit knows where and suddenly you are appearing out of nowhere and you think it will be like before?" He asked in disbelief. "I'll illume you that you can just dream about this, Minhyung. Your departure fucked up everything what was connecting us anywise," he said emphatically, biting lower lip. Thanks to that I knew that at least he didn't mean it in one hundred percent. As you can see, some habits remain with people for life. This thought, however, wasn't quite as encouraging as it might seem. The words of the boy touched me anyway.

"I'm sorry," I simply said, unable even to explain anything. Donghyuck didn't reply to me. I saw him trying to control emotions, as if there were too many things in him that fractured all at once. He was different than before. Definitely more fragile and I felt that I must be mindful of it from now on.

"When you're leaving?" He asked in a hoarse voice. 

"I'm not leaving," whispered, slowly shaking head in denial. "I want to stay here," added as our eyes met again.

Donghyuck looked at me with a questioning look. I knew he wanted to believe me. I also knew that I wanted him to believe me too. I haven't dream of anything more than to have him close again. I didn't care much about what our relationship would be based on. After meeting my little boy I just wanted him to be beside.

"For sure?" He asked calmly.

"For sure". For a moment we were still looking in each other eyes until Donghyuck finally let go, reaching for the chopsticks.

"Okay," he whispered, finally starting to eat.


	4. Reasons why

_I looked uncertainly at Minhyung, seeking the right moment to say aloud these three magical words. I didn't understand what was magic about it but the people in the movies were always delighted - they threw themselves into each other's arms, kissed, had sex and finally got married, producing millions of children. Meanwhile, my pounding heart and sweaty hands had nothing from magic. Pure physiology and the fear of rejection were killing me inside. I convinced myself that I'm not losing anything by doing this. I can say I was joking or put it down on youthful stupidity. I wanted to believe that the saying 'I love you' wouldn't change anything in our relationship._

_And yet I was afraid._

_"You want to tell me something?" Minhyung asked unexpectedly, looking still ahead. I shivered._

_"Why?" I muttered under breath, clenching fingers on backpack's shoulder._

_"You are exceptionally quiet today," he laughed cheerfully. "I thought something happened."_

_We came in silence to the intersection of the dirt roads, where each one of us walked in his direction. The boy sighed heavily, sending me a tired smile. He looked like he had some sleepless nights behind. Recently, I started to worry about boy more than usual, although Minhyung pretended that everything was the same as it used to be. He kept doing it and I kept wondering if his silence about private life was because he simply didn't want to share it with anyone or if that was a problem with me. I always afraid that he would find me immature and not good enough to be the keeper of secrets._

_"I..." started uncertainly._

_"Hm?" The boy muttered, concentrating attention on me. "What?" He laughed as my words still didn't come out._

_"Will we go somewhere tomorrow after school?" I asked uncertainly. I felt like couldn't do it today. I needed one extra day. Only one. Tomorrow I'll finally screw it out of me. I'll find this hidden, mature man hidden deep in my body and confess puppy feelings._

_"Where do you want to go?" He gave me a questioning look._

_"I don't know... just go out somewhere... together," I whispered uncertainly, glancing down at shoes. I was pathetic. So embarrassing..._

_"Sure," Minhyung replied enthusiastically, ruffling my hair. "I'll take you for the ice cream after classes," he said calmly, putting hand on my shoulder. "I have something to tell you anyways," he added more quietly, sighing heavily. "Then... see you tomorrow, Hyuckie"._

I stood for a moment at the intersection of two dirt roads, looking towards the direction that led to Minhyung's house. Once again I remembered our conversation. The last one, indeed. Because Minhyung didn't show up the next day at school, he didn't pick me up from the class, he vanished into thin air and the words _I love you_ left in my throat - unspoken. 

I still remember the outline of his back, diminishing in the distance. I watched him for a long time, looking forward to the next day and fearing what would happen after my confession. I experienced it again, again playing every detail of our last meeting. That's why my visit to his old house today seemed terribly unreal. As if I got a second chance from the fate but not quite so. I won't tell him that I love him. After five years these words have lost their original meaning. We were now complete strangers to each other who shared some section of history, mapping each other's timelines at their initial point. Then there was a huge gulf on this timeline, a gap that I could in no way call our common one.There was fear as well. Alot of fear. I was simply afraid of these words, as if it was their fault for all things that happened. If not for this stupid love, I could lead a completely different life now.

This love destroyed me.

This love made me fragile and vulnerable.

This love created Haechan.

When Minhyung's house was in the sight, a strange shudder passed through me. I pulled the sweatshirt harder on my hands, struggling with the burning need to embrace myslef. It was a bit cool as for the middle of summer but I had the impression that the main cause of my inner cold were the demons of the past.

When I was in the driveway, Minhyung just came out of the house holding a huge cardboard box with junk poking out of it. I approached boy slowly, without saying a word. The man himself didn't even notice me through the limited visibility because of carton. When I wanted to say something, Minhuyng's leg slipped from the last, unstable step and the boy lost his balance. I grabbed the box at the last minute, wondering how he was able to handle such a heavy thing by himself.

"Good morning," the boy said with a smile, peering at me from the top of the box.

"Hi," I curved mouth at the corners, trying to ignore our hands that came into contact. However, I was never able to fool my stupid heart. That was my curse. "I'll help you," whispered uncertainly, dropping gaze. I pretended to concentrate on bettering the carton in hands.

"You were just in time," the boy replied with unwavering enthusiasm. It wasn't Minhyung that I remembered and it was hard for me to get used to his cheerful disposition. We apparently swapped characters. 

We carried lumber down to the fence at the back of the house, where were already many other damaged furniture and junk packed into boxes and bags. I didn't even think that there was so much old equipment in this house. Minhyung covered it all with a blue tarpaulin, as if it had any meaning that all these things may get wet.

I hung eye on today's boy's outfit. He wasn't dressed up exceptionally but aura of urban, foreign life was emanating from him very clearly. Minhyung was wearing plain black trousers and a loose black shirt but in some strange way he seemed to fit no longer into this town. He seemed to be strangely unfamiliar. Already his own fluffy hair dyed with light blonde seemed to be a significant departure from the norms in Ansan. He presented himself fucking awesome, he was handsome and seemed pretty athletic. But something was so different in this boy. He wasn't the same Minhyung as I wasn't the same Donghyuck. 

"Want to get rid of it all?" I asked as we walked slowly to the front of the house.

"Yes" he sighed heavily, shaking dust and dirt out of hands.

"Why?". Minhyung shrugged, sending me a glance.

"They are fomites of bad memories," he replied after a moment as we walked up the stairs to the apartment.

♥

We cleared the kitchen in silence, having only a few words with each other. Donghyuck wasn't too talkative, what shocked me a little because I didn't remember him like that. Old Donghyuck never closed his mouth, gushed with energy and had a million questions per second. This time it was different. The boy had his world in which he clearly closed himself mentally, entering the module of performing activities automatically. I had the impression that the joy that once was clinging to him, disappeared somewhere and bringing it out again on the surface would be a great achievement.

I began to fear it all slowly. I was afraid that the differences that we shared wouldn't be a joke. I didn't know anything about Donghyuck's life in the last five years. And yet so much could happen. When I left, the boy was 13 years old. Maturation can sometimes be significant in all subsequent development. I was angry that I missed this. I should have been here with him, not leave and give him the life he deserves. That's why I began to wonder what happened here during my absence. What must have happened that all this childlike joy that was in this boy had gone away.

"Thank you," boy said in a low voice as I put hot tea in front of him. He slowly took hold of mug with hands, sinking gaze on the dark surface of the liquid. "Mmmm..." he started uncertainly as if he had something at the end of tongue. I looked at him quizzically, sitting at the table, taking an opposite seat. "Where did you stay for the time being?" He finally asked after a moment's thought, as if this wasn't the first question he wanted to ask. I smiled under breath.

"At the hostel in the town," I replied, pulling knee up under chin. "I hope I won't be forced to stay there for a long time".

"I understand," he nodded. Everything about him was so tense now, so formal, so distrustful... "And you want to renovate it all by yourself?"

"I don't like strangers," shrugged. "Don't want anyone I see for the first time in my life to come in here." Donghyuck looked at me uncertainly as if looking for answers to his own questions. We both evaluated each other. We were looking for differences and similarities with our own past reflections. We were looking for boundaries, limitations and remnants of a common language.

"Can you handle it?" He asked with sincere concern.

"Somehow I'll have to" spread my arms to sides, smiling carefree. It didn't make sense now to worry about this ruin. We had our own business to do. We had to fix something far more important here than this old decay. "What time you have to be at home?" I slowly changed the subject to the one we promised ourselves to raise today. There was no point in delaying it. I had to finally explain everything that had happened _that_ day.

"Don't worry about it. I have enough time to hear a long story, " he assured with a weak smile on lips. Sometimes I forgot that Donghyuck was 18 years old now. It was hard for me to accept both the age gap we shared and the years that have passed.

"I don't know where to start" I laughed nervously.

"Why did you leave?" Donghyuck asked bluntly. "Why did you leave me without even saying goodbye?"

♥

"It's not that I did it voluntarily, Hyuckie," he whispered in pain. I shuddered gently as he used the diminutive form of my name. Nobody ever called me like that. Nobody except Minhyung. "I didn't leave because I wanted to" he assured, staring deep into my eyes. I believed him. Not because I saw in them real pain and regret over what happened. I desperately wanted to believe him. I wanted to believe that there was some sort of fate that separated us. That it wasn't his decision alone. "Then in May..." he began uncertainly, clenching fingers tighter on mug. "Something terrible happened in this house... Do you remember how I said goodbye to you as usual at the crossroads? We settled for the next day." I only nodded, not wanting to explain that to me it was the most vivid memory we shared. This day was a symbol of loss, fear, disappointment and unspoken desires for me. "I swear, Hyuck... I... I didn't even suspect that I saw you for the last time then." His voice cracked.

I stared at tea, unable to take Minhyung's gaze anymore. It was filled with guilt to unbearable extend. In the dark surface I saw the reflection of my own face. I knew perfectly well that my feelings for him by some miracle didn't go away at all for five years. I just send them to sleep for a while, that's all.

I wasn't proud of it.

I was afraid of commitment.

I was afraid of re-injury.

"When I got home, there was a police car and an ambulance on the driveway," he continued after a moment of silence between us. Minhyung's voice was weak but stable. Whatever he had to say to me, he must have come to terms with the incident, at least partly. "I didn't know what was going on. It was just certain that there wasn't anything good waiting for me." I looked at him uncertainly. He was tapping index finger in the glass of the cup, as if it was helping to concentrate on past events. "I ran home, avoiding the policeman yelling at me. I was angry. Subconsciously I felt a tragedy. It all raged. I thought it was my home and I got the right to do what I wanted. Why does a cop tell me what to do?" He shrugged, keeping eyes on the table top. After these words there was a long silence between us. Minhyung didn't continue and I didn't dare to disturb him. I saw that he was experiencing this situation again and again. Maybe he was looking for the right words or maybe trying to control emotions that came up in him. In any case, we had time. As long as he was going to tell me everything, the passing time had no value. In the end, Minhyung sighed heavily as he straightened up in his chair. When he made eye contact with me, a slight shudder passed through me. "My mother was lying bloodied on the floor in the living room. She was dead for some time when I came. That was undoubted." I swallowed. "My father stabbed her to death and later hanged himself" The boy began to massage his nape lightly, as if an invisible loop was squeezing his neck. Surprisingly, seeing this, I got the impression of such a loop appeard on mine as well. "But I learned this much later because I didn't see his body then. But the sight of the mother's corpse will probably persecute me for the rest of my life." 

Minhyung got up from the table, pausing his story again. He poured slowly the tea into the sink and I didn't know how much consciousness was involved in this process and how much instinctive reflex to take care of his own hands. At least, I kind of understood him, feeling a little ashamed. I came from nowhere, asked for an explanation and in return got a traumatic story whose brutality was able to erase all childhood and every happy moment that occurred in it. Such an attitude struggled with the other attitude in me, which explained to my head justifying state of unawareness and the simple right to know the truth, which was also important for my own childhood and current adult life. One might say that the healing influence of truth lifted the burden from one breast to insert it into another breast to maintain the balance of the universe. But today we both suffered. Both our breasts were heavy with memories; no one felt healed.

"You see... My family wasn't as happy as it might seem at first glance," he finally said, filling the glass with fresh juice. Boy chose a seemingly carefree tone but it was quite natural that such marked memories had to stir up some deeper emotions in him. "I never told you about it, cause..." 

"Cause you didn't have to," I interrupted in a whisper; not quite consciously, to be honest.

"Hm?" He muttered, turning to me face-to-face.

"The fact that you never talked to me about your problems didn't mean I was blind."

"Heh, yeah..." he smiled under breath in response. After a second hesitation, Minhyung moved his chair slightly closer to mine but still kept a safe distance.

"Maybe a lot of things I had to sketch in myself, but... I knew you didn't want to worry me," I said calmly. "You've always been the older, the wiser and the more caring one. I was to raise your spirits and smile or entertain," added, shrugging. "I wanted to support you in my humorous way, though you may not have seen it. I just had no idea that it all had such a tragic end. "

♥

I started to wonder when Donghyuck got so grown up. I wasn't used to talking to him at the same level and such sudden change caused me a slight cognitive dissonance. It was fascinating and painful at the same time. Words cannot comprehend how much I regretted that I missed the moment when he was growing up. That I didn't see how this baby grows and changes from a carefree boy to a man. And I wasn't just talking about the physical side of his body, which was surprising in the most positive sense of the word. It was mainly about an intellectual communication. The four-year difference in the teenage years was really felt in terms of the mind. But back then I was thinking more with my soul and well-being and my soul always clung to Donghyuck's soul, regardless of the other barriers.

"It's been so many years..." I sighed, sniffing secretly. "Auntie took care of me. She picked me up from the police station and immediately flew to Canada. She didn't pay attention to unnecessary formalities. She didn't comfort, she didn't wait for the funeral. Shocking that she even knew my name." I laughed, remembering this moment. At least it was not a joyous laughter. Everything happened so fast. Suddenly from nowhere appeared almost unfamiliar to me woman and took me away from the country, having in an ass my opinion about anything. By the overwhelming shock that accumulated in those days - I wasn't even able to protest. "She said that from now on her house is my home. She didn't ask me if I wanted to stay with anybody else but her. She didn't ask about the house, further family. She didn't even take an interest in the body of her dead sister. She just arrived in Ansan dressed as a woman who broke off a major business meeting and she disappeared in the same atmosphere as if she wanted to just leave me to nanny and go to another event. And so I went to Vancouver. I've spent the last 5 years there... " spread my hands helplessly as if life story ended here. I didn't see the point of telling Donghyuck what I had been doing for the past few years in Canada. Not now. I wanted to keep him beside me, not to scare him away. I was afraid he might not accept the person I was after leaving Korea. Even I barely accepted myself.

"That doesn't explain your silence," Hyuck said suddenly after a moment's thought. "The birthday card a couple of days after your disappearance is a rather poor proof of friendship," he said calmly.

"I cannot explain it... I..." I paused, unable to even pick up a handful of words. Boy was right. This didn't explain anything. But then I concentrated too much on my suffering to take into account that he could be suffering too. "I just lost myself. I got lost in my life," said uncertainly. I could say it only in this way for the time being. No other explanation came to mind.

"You wanted to forget?" He asked gently, as if it was quite understandable. I didn't want to answer affirmatively. That would mean I denied him, that I wanted to remove his image from my head. And that wasn't true. Donghyuck was the only person thanks to whom, paradoxically, I didn't reach the bottom.

"I don't know what I wanted, Hyuckie," shook my head helplessly. "I only know that I've fallen by the wayside in Canada. I've fallen by the wayside because I was helpless. I couldn't do anything to go back. That continent became my prison. That's why I did a lot of stupid things to get away, until I finally got over it."

"Why did you come back then?" He asked uncertainly, seeking answers in my eyes stubbornly.

"Because I left everything that gave my life any meaning here," I whispered, unable to tear my eyes from his iris. "I was looking for that in Canada, I was looking for it in the States... I regret many things now but nothing will replace what I left in Korea."

"What did you leave here?" He inquired, not clearly aware of the simple fact that I was talking about him all the time. I didn't know how to answer this question, so it didn't sound like a love affair. There will be time for it. So far, I just wanted to rebuild the cracked foundations of our former relationship. Without this we won't be able to move on.

"You, Hyuckie," I said softly. "I left you here and couldn't forget it."


	5. Deja vu

I was driving slowly through the dark forest. I couldn't believe that for so many years the city authorities still didn't take care of the lighting on its outskirts. I would have to be crazy to let Donghyuck go home in such conditions. Even though the area seemed calm, the truth was that even in the quietest neighborhood it was not always one hundred percent safe. 

There was a stony silence mastering in the car. Each of us was plunged into our private space. I think we both had to compose all these thoughts in the head. Before we've lost ourselves in the conversation so much that we didn't even notice when clock struck the 1am. We were talking about total crap, bringing up completely neutral topics, which we couldn't emotionally connect with our common past. It raised my spirits because it proved that despite the years and individual differences in character, we are still able to get along as in days of yore. I only wish that Hyuck could laugh more often.

The view outside the window has been wrapped in darkness for a long time now. Donghyuck's words echoed constantly in my head not being able to disappear.

_"You know perfectly well that we won't regain all those lost years. We won't catch it up, even if we try very hard," he said quite seriously as we gathered slowly to leave the house_. 

_"I know it..." sighed heavily, pulling the keys out of pocket._

_"But you can make it up for me." I gave him a slightly surprised look. I was happy that at least he hadn't written off our acquaintanceship from the very beginning. The truth was that I was able to sacrifice a lot to get everything back on its old tracks. As much as it takes to mend the seriously damaged bond between our souls."I don't know how you do it but you'll make me forget that you haven't been with me for the last five years, understand?" He asked quite seriously, showing his old horns. I was glad that there was a little bit of Donghyuck in there, somewhere deep inside._ Even if I could clearly sense his fear behind this command, I wasn't able to deny him to be firm.

_"Oh, look at yourself, you became even more savage than you were before" I laughed, wanting to cheer him up a bit but I didn't succeed. The boy kept his stone face and it came to me that he really took the uttered words seriously, so I just nodded. "I understand," whispered. "I'll try to. I'll do it."_

I glanced furtively at Donghyuck, who looked calmly through the car window to the shadows of the trees. It was a terrible change in him but despite all that, when we were talking, when I saw his faint smile a few times, my heart was beating like it used to. I couldn't have expected that at the third meeting he would treat me as his best friend. It all just needed some time. _We_ needed time. Beyond all the adversities and barriers of this relationship, we carried a part of the other's existence in our hearts. And these parts clearly missed each other because they are complementary. The very fact of their existence gave me the strength to work on what was between us. Even if it were just friendship meant to be.

I parked slowly near the boy's house, shutting off the engine slowly. There was silence in the car.

"Thank you for giving me a lift," he finally said, smiling uncertainly. 

"No problem," I shrugged, struggling to touch him in any way. I didn't want to violate his personal space in no way because I felt he was very careful about its inviolability.

"Give me your number," Donghyuck said suddenly, holding his phone out in my direction. I took it insecurely. "Now, if you want to escape, you'll be able at least to communicate this to me."

"Okay," I laughed, signing myself as Mark Lee. After a while, however, I found that it was too formal and I just inscribed Minhyung, resigning from the Canadian name. "Voila," I smiled, giving him the phone.

"Thank you," he whispered and grabbed the handle. "See... you" he said hesitantly, getting out of the car. 

"See you," I muttered to myself as I watched Donghuck walk quietly toward the porch.

♥

When I walked cautiously into the house, I immediately leaned back against the door, feeling that without it I would most likely fall to the ground. I didn't quite know what emotions prevailed in me - joy or perhaps anxiety. The inner me wanted the words _see you_ not to be merely empty promises. I wanted them to tie in with real intentions for the future. That this _see you_ won't end with an useless oath or a single meeting but evolve into a process of actually _seeing_ each other regularly. That's how my secret dream looked like.

I took off shoes slowly and began to feel the whole mental burden of that day. I was tired.

"Where have you been so long?" my mother's sleepy voice asked as she left the bedroom. I stared at her extensively. I was wondering whether to tell her about my today meeting with Minhyung. The probability that she won't be even inclined to believe me was really big. After all, she has already seen a lot in her life. She looked after me and dealt with the much more serious states of hopelessness into which I had fallen over the past years.

"Mom... you knew what happened to Minhyung's family, didn't you?" I asked uncertainly, reading almost immediately the answer from her face. The woman's mouth bent an unpleasant grimace. She wasn't pleased that these words had fallen. Either way, Minhyung's mother was her close friend. "Why didn't you tell me?" I whispered, as if this information heard five years ago was able to change anything. Events from Lee's house wouldn't help me in finding a friend later.

"Haechan, baby, why are you asking me about such things in the middle of the night?"

"Answer me, please," I said almost pleadingly. Mom crossed arms and gave me a tired look.

"You were too young for such things... In our family there was never violence and alcohol. Murder, suicide... It's all in one house. We were afraid with your father how would you accept it." She explained slowly, coming closer to me. "How did you find out about this right now?" I covered the separating us distance and gently embraced the woman with my arms.

"Minhyung came back, mom," I whispered, barely reigning over emotion. I felt that my emotional instability was dangerously pushing me towards tears. "He came back to us". 

"Impossible," she whispered, awakening from numbness only after a long moment. In the end, however, she huged me hard, gently combing my hair again and again. "I'm happy, sonny," she said finally. "Really, really happy".

♥

It was odd feeling to look at the building of my former school. Nothing has changed in it all these years and yet it all appeared to me as something new, unknown. Huge building in which all possible classes from basic to secondary were placed. I can say that it was a bit sticky solution. Elders often mistreated the juniors and the hierarchy was established by how strong and tough are your fists or how sharp was your tongue. I hoped it had changed a bit, though I doubted it. In Ansan everyone knew everyone. Everyone knew how much they could presume, how far they could go and who to dump so that no one will be interested later in his or her plight. I hated it. I hated these rumors. I hated the fact that people in Ansan were claiming to wash others dirt publicly. I hated that if there was a tragedy, they made a sensation out of it, scolded you and fed themselves with your misfortune. The more you suffered, the happier they were. That was Ansan.

I heard a bell announcing the end of the class and started looking for Donghyuck among the kids running through the door. I knew he wouldn't run. This new Donghyuck is in no hurry. New Donghyuck walks slowly forward and observes the surroundings, loses himself somewhere in his own mind. It didn't bother me, I was able to get used to it. That's why I was a little surprised when I saw my little boy laughing and embraced by another boy's arm. Boy I didn't know. There was nothing surprising in fact that jealousy broke out in my heart. But Donghyuk's smile melted every possible ice. He was... just radiant. Like little sunshine...

...that died out of my sight. 

On my view both of them became serious, unravel in haste from their embrace. Donghyuck's friend said something to the boy but he didn't lower eyes from me. He wasn't friendly as if I had come to grab his friend and take him to the field to rape and bury the corpse. Maybe a tanned kid caught his eye and I just thwarted his plans. Or perhaps he simply didn't accept that I would step into Hyuck's life once more, fearing that I would disappear again. 

"What are you doing here?" Donghyuck asked when he said goodbye to his black-haired colleague and came closer. I sighed heavily, unable to endure the envious glance of my new enemy. 

"I'm taking you somewhere," I explained with a smile, which unfortunately wasn't reciprocated. Hyuck looked at me uncertainly.

"Where?"

"Hmmm... surprise," I muttered hesitantly. The theory of rape in the field more and more spoke to me. I didn't believe he would be so suspicious of me if someone didn't give him some idiotic idea. Indeed, I was four years older, I was doing stupid things in my life and I was a little different in appearance and disposition from the natives but no shit. Without exaggeration. I would never bruise Hyuck. I'm not a degenerate. 

"Why?" He asked again, keeping poker face. I was getting impatient. I decided not to deal with this little shit in unnecessary discussions. 

"Jesus, why are you asking so many questions?" I said irritably. "I promised to strive, so I'm striving. Get in and don't talk so much". Boy rolled eyes and with a heavy sigh he circled the car to occupy the passenger seat. I was delighted that the simple and direct commands are clearly what hit him in the bottom of the situation.

I fired the engine slowly and leisurely withdrew the car from the school car park. I turned on the radio, which began quietly playing between us. Hyuck was silent, wrapped in a safety belt like some kind of virtue belt. What a kid.

"This is your friend?" I asked after a moment when it came to me that Donghyuck himself would never start talking.

"Who?" muttered as if he didn't quite hear the question. One day he could at least start to listen what I'm saying to him...

"Well the boy with whom you came out of school today". 

"You didn't recognise Jeno?" He asked in amazement. I blinked a few times, trying to remember once more the face of that kid in the hall.

"It was Jeno?" I wondered, frowning. I couldn't believe it was the same toddler I once knew. He wasn't even ten percent similar to that old Jeno. In addition, in the past I wasn't especially interested with him. I had the right not to know that face. He wasn't particularly important to me at all. 

"You're only four years older than me. A little too early for dementia." Donghyuck suddenly joked, laughing out of his own joke. I just shook head in disbelief. I forgot the moments when this guy could have a mordant wit. 

"Sassy as always" laughed under breath. "Sometimes I get the feeling that nothing has changed," I whispered unconsciously.

"Cause nothing has changed" Hyuck suddenly got moody, looking out of the window." Nothing is changing here... focus better on the road," he whispered, letting me understand that the static of the past events is not his favorite subject to talk. I haven't said anything else.

♥

Minhyung parked near the lake, which we used to pass each day on the way to and from school. Through the crown of trees, a view of the calm surface of the tank reflected the surrounding forest. I remembered perfectly this descent at which we stopped. It was so steep that we had to always go around the grove to get out of here. Running down this hill was once the best fun for us. I couldn't evaluate how it was now. I've avoided this lake like a plague for the last five years. I was even walking another, longer path to school, so as not to touch any painful strings of memories. Meanwhile, Minhyung claimed that recalling them would be a great idea. I decided not to complain as long as he was right next to me. I wasn't able to be here due to the boy's absence. After five years I started to hope that such a beautiful view wouldn't be completely lost and forgotten.

We left the car slowly. The evening chirping of birds greeted us with a joyful symphony. It was nice, though a bit stuffy and stormy. I involuntarily tugged the sleeves of the sweatshirt harder on my hands, looking timidly at Minhyung, who pulled up his trousers with a funny grimace on lips. I laughed softly.

"What's so amusing to you?" He inquired curiously.

"Your face," I answered casually, getting a lethal look from my dear old friend.

"Let me laugh at you as you go down this hill later," he said snotily, heading for the edge of the descent. I sticked out tounge at him because I felt that I offended the big Canadian kid's ego. I swear he looked awfully cute when got a little angry at my flings.

When I finally reached the edge of this precipice, Minhyung was already standing on the shore, staring at me with hands on hips. I swallowed. I wasn't fond of doing things that could hurt me. I approached life rather believently. After a moment, I slowly began to take cautious steps forward, accelerating step by step. Minhyung was enjoying himself as this view was probably the best entertainer in the world for him. I wasn't laughing. Finally, I put everything on one card and started slowly converging, gradually accelerating more and more, jump by jump. I had the impression that I was just going to stumble over some branch and rush straight to the water. Instead of falling into the lake, I fell right into Minhyung's arms, who held me tight, barely keeping his own balance.

My heart skipped a few beats when I realized what had just happened. Our bodies touched each other in all their lengths and our hearts beat like crazy. At least it seemed to me that it wasn't just my chest that hit so hard. I touched Minhyung's collarbone with nose that enabled me to feel the scent of almonds and jasmine from him. I knew that smell. I knew it so well. For so many years... Somehow he had to keep using the same shower gel. It surprised me so much that I didn't even notice the moment when I involuntarily clenched fingers on the fabric of his shirt, leaning against his protruding collarbone. It all came to me only when I felt Minhyung tightened grip around my shoulders. I didn't know if our rapprochement could be counted in minutes or maybe seconds but I knew for sure that it couldn't last forever. We weren't together. I couldn't hope for anything. 

I stepped away slowly from Minhyung, who moved hands from my back to shoulders unhurriedly. I looked at him uncertainly and felt that my cheeks start to blush evidently. But the boy didn't seem to notice it completely. He studied my eyes closely, as if searching for answers to the questions that bothered him. He didn't seem to be at least a bit scandalized by our closeness and he even looked as if this proximity suited him.

"I'm sorry," I whispered quickly as he leaned over me and his lips appeared dangerously close to mine. "There was no more steep descent nearby?" I asked with forced indignation as I walked toward the clearing. I didn't know how Minhyung face looked now. I didn't want to know its expression.

We sat in silence on the meadow, drunk by the silence that surrounded us. The closeness was getting more and more troublesome and the birds were chirping much quieter. Still, it was nice. Minhyung sat next to me, our shoulders were in permanent contact and the ubiquitous calmness seemed to magically bind our relationship. It was good - I had him for the asking and it seemed to me that I was able to keep him with me, that he won't run away. 

"I've always envied people who live on the other side," Minhyung said suddenly. I glanced involuntarily at the house that bent over the opposite bank. I've always liked it. In its way it seemed warm. Such a homely place. "They have to live here so calmly over the water." 

"But your house in the woods is also dreamy," I admitted sincerely. "Zero neighbors, no one to bother you." 

"You're right," he smiled under breath. I had the impression, however, that I shouldn't mention his home. I felt strangely knowing what happened there. On the other hand, he nevertheless decided to live there. Something must have outweighed the scale of bitterness about the family tragedy. 

"What will you do, when you renovate all this stuff here?" I asked, looking at him uncertainly. Still in front of my eyes I had our first degree meeting. It was a little awkward for me. I'm not used to physical contact with someone other than my family and really close friends. Besides, I was head over ears in love with Minhyung, so the awkwardness was stronger because of it.

"Hmmm... I'll finish the book," he replied hesitantly as if was ashamed of having such passion. 

"You're writing?" I asked in amazement. He really surprised me. Minhyung never really liked the humanities. He was a rationalist - he preferred figures, statistics, pure math and science. He abhored humanistic ambiguity and frequent lack of precision. He was a man who liked to present facts in black and white. That's why this information seemed to me unusual. 

"I'm trying," he admitted timidly. "I don't know how much this is really worth," shrugged looking into sky. 

"It will be great for sure," I said convincingly. I really thought so. "You've never liked literature but you've always been great at it. What can go wrong? " I asked casually. "Such a nerd," I whispered annoyingly. 

"What nerd again?" He laughed. "What kind of nerd? You've always been a little devil on the other hand," he pointed me unscrupulously. 

"I still am," I replied with a pretended pride. But that wasn't true. Now there wasn't much in me from this charming troublemaker. I avoided the mess. 

There was a long silence between us but it didn't occur as a the result of the fact that we liked it and enjoyed it. It appeared because we had no idea what to talk about. I hated this feeling, always wanting to run home straight away. It was overwhelming evidence of a lack of bond, a lack of commonality. In light of this, our entire relationship seemed forced and unnatural.

"Minhyung...?" I finally dared to say. 

"Hm?" He muttered, looking with dreamy eyes on the slightly undulating lane of the lake.

"You feel this too, don't you?" I asked uncertainly, not quite even specifying what I meant. 

"What exactly?" He wondered, laying hand on my knee. There was an inner shiver inside me but I decided to ignore it. It seemed to me that it was just his reflex. Apparently the people overseas are more open about skinship.

"That our relationship is a bit different," I explained quietly, ashamed of the fact that such words had left my mouth. Nevertheless, it was true, that's what I thought. That there was something wrong with us, completely different.

"Yes..." he sighed heavily, slowly taking back hand. The feeling of warmth that had come so suddenly vanished just as quickly. I wanted to feel those fingers lightly clasped on my thigh once again.

"I have the impression that it will never be like it used to be," I whispered indistinctly.

"We're adults, Donghyuck, that's why," he muttered uncertainly, "We won't longer behave like those kids we were." 

"Hey, I'm not yet an adult," I said suddenly. "I still have a year to spare. Don't take my last moments of childhood. You're the old man here," I said without embarrassment.

"What old man!" he genuinely outraged. My comments about his age and appearance clearly deprived him of ability to create a riposte. He breathed in, unable to process the fact that anyone had the nerve to laugh at him so brazenly. "You're not exaggerating a bit?" He asked after a moment with a laugh.

" _We won't longer behave like those kids we were_ ," I repeated mockingly. Minhyung pushed me aside and started laughing. 

"Why do you always have to turn a serious conversation into a joke?" asked with unwavering joy. He was incredibly charming when he was smiling. 

"I don't like how we get such a strange atmosphere between us," I admitted sincerely, shrugging slightly. 

"Like what?" He wondered, looking at me attentively. I was silent for a moment, drowning again in his eyes. I didn't want to speak out loud. I was afraid of self-fulfilling prophecies. However, Minhyung waited for an answer. 

"As if we were no longer connected," I whispered sadly. Minhyung gave me a strange look. Like sadness, disbelief and compassion at the same time. In its own way it was comforting. It meant he didn't think so. That he had a hope which, with a little effort, could also become my hope. The light at the end of the tunnel went on almost automatically.

The blonde just shook head slowly aside, placing a hand gently on my shoulder. He touched my cheek softly. I looked at him with slightly dazed eyes. I knew I was going to be damned dependent on him again. He starts to matter so much to me that it hurts. I didn't want to have misunderstanings between us. I wanted to tell him everything. Especially now when he was looking at me with a suggestion that he might feel something too. I had the impression that Mark was going to kiss me. I don't know what kind of thoughts whispered similar information to but I just felt it. And I wanted it, being afraid at the same time. 

Suddenly I felt a big drop of rain on cheek.

And after it next.

And next.

It started to drizzle. 

"Fuck," I cursed, looking up at the sky as if to stop the coming storm. We stood up quickly from the grass, staring at the hill from which we had run before. "Bravo, fucking genius. Now we won't walk up," I moaned, as if I was from sugar and some water had to decide on the end of my lousy life. 

"Oh shut up," he said simply, wrapping arms around me. Boy put a blanket on us, which we had previously under our buttocks and pulled toward the huge oak that stood nearby. In the meantime, a real downpour began. When we ran under a tree, we were completely soaked. We could as well go straight to the car. It didn't make any difference.

"You can't stand during the storm under the trees," I said at last when large drops stopped falling on us with a unique frequency.

"Where did you read this bullshit?" Minhyung asked in amazement as if I was talking some strange prophecies.

"Everybody says that".

"Do you prefer to get more wet?" He asked rhetorically, knowing perfectly well that he was the one with right.

"No," I whispered, wrapping arms around shoulders. It was cold. I began to wonder slowly how the catastrophe came from such a promising meeting. After all, my heart was beating like crazy. As always at such moments, my imagination gets just too vivid.

_"I have deja vu," Minhyung said._

_"Me too... I wanted to tell you something then," I began uncertainly. "That day. But I didn't have the courage. "_

_"And now you have?" He asked calmly, with anticipation._

_"No," I replied honestly. I will never gain the grit. "But a week later you disappeared, so I don't know if I want to risk it again."_

_"I also wanted to do something then," he confessed, biting lower lip slightly. "But I was afraid."_

_"Are you scared now too?" I whispered._

_"I don't know..." he muttered under breath, lowering eyes, "You're a little older now."_

_"You too," I noticed, not knowing where exactly this strange exchange of ideas led us._

_Minhyung hesitantly leaned over me so that I could easily feel his breath on my face. I gave him a slightly frightened look, as if I had no idea what was going to happen. I gently closed eyelids as blond's lips subtly brushed against mine and then pressed it again with real force and passion. I wrapped arms around Minhyung's neck, pulling him closest as I could. The boy pushed me to the trunk of the tree, warming internally to the limit. Mark's lips lit my labiums, taking away the ability to think logically. I wanted him more, I wanted him deeper. When Minhyung's knee was between my legs, I moaned softly into his mouth._

I shook head sideways, chasing the wrong thoughts that I have no courage to realize away. My body went through a tremendous shudder and I had no idea whether it was caused by the chill of air and rain or the excitement of Minhyung's hands on my body. 

"I have a bad feeling you'll be sick," the boy said suddenly.

"I am already. It won't be worse" I assured him, denying this fact after a single cough. Minhyung wrapped me slowly with a blanket, gently rubbing shoulders.

"Don't fool around," I muttered, spreading the material over both of us. "We'll fit easily together," I assured, gently nestling up to him. I did it quite insecure because I still lacked the courage to take any step forward. I was afraid to do something more. I was afraid to do anything.

Minhyung leaned cheek against the tip of my head, closing me in a very tight grip. The boy's shoulders were strong and secure. So I felt I trusted him boundlessly and believed that he wouldn't let anyone harm me. The fact was that no one but him was able to do it anyway. In spite of all, I have lost my innocence figuratively by giving him all of myself. He had me five years ago for exclusivity and he still has me now. I realized that this is Minhyung that determines my continued existence. Without him, I wasn't able to live.

"I have deja vu," he murmured suddenly under breath, interrupting the rain's song surrounding us. I smiled shyly, closing eyes. I listened to the blonde heart beat. 

"Me too..." I whispered.


	6. Questions and answers

**Jeno** : _> School today?_

**Me** : _> No, I'm sick_.

**Jeno** : _> What happened?_

**Me** : _> Pneumonia_.

**Jeno** : _> W H A T ? !_

I sighed heavily, beginning to describe the whole situation that took place a few days ago by the lake. I knew my friend didn't go a bundle on Minhyung but I couldn't lie to him. Sure, the boy went to Canada, left me and smashed to pieces. But now he's back and I was going to take handfuls of it while we could be together no matter what will be the final of such behavior. Before I was able to even write two sentences, Jeno's face showed with his classic eye-smile on my screen. I shook head in disbelief and took a call.

"How did it happen?" He asked immediately, not even bother to greet me somehow.

"I didn't cure an earlier cold and recently rainstorm caught me while homeing," I replied in a hoarse voice. I decided not to go into details. I must have completely worn down my throat to tell Jeno the whole story of my meeting with Minhyung.

"Ah, you fool..." he sighed to the handset. "I'm going to see you with boys after classes," assured me dapperly as if their presence guaranteed immediate healing and not even stronger headache.

"Thanks, Jeno," I rasped. I didn't know if I wanted them to visit me. I had a razzamatazz in my head. I didn't think that my friends were able to objectively disentangle it. Their apparent aversion to the guy for whom I lost my head didn't make life easier for me.

"Hang in there, bro," he said good-bye and hung up.

My hand dropped limply on the sheets and the head automatically turned to the desk. I haven't cleaned it for a long time. Notebooks and books were spread out on top of each other. Open fineliners and highlighters were probably dying with dry inlays somewhere next to the notes. And I could only look at them. Some time ago I lost any desire to learn. I had to make up a lot of backlogs of work but I did very little to catch up with even a year younger than me Jeno. Recently all my inner motivation has flown to a distant land.

I glanced slowly down the sill. There was a small photo frame on it and a postcard from another continent. These two objects haven't changed their place for years. They had a specially designated area and I never let it be in any way exposed to mess or smallest impurity. Memories always mattered to me more than the present. That was probably my biggest problem. That I couldn't let go and give a new beginning a chance. I was constantly hanging between worlds with most of my body immersed in the past.

The picture represented me and Minhyung on the playground. I was three years old at the time and he was seven, so that probably was why I couldn't recall it from memory. We were sitting on swings, both smiling, both careless. Sometimes I wondered if it was the eternization of our first meeting, or maybe it had happened before. I never asked about it because in the light of the events of the last five years it was quite insignificant. Now, however, some of the cases seemed to be returning to their former tracks. Maybe it was just the right time to find out more about us.

The birthday card from Canada has always made my heart ache. It reminded me of everything I was afraid of, everything I had lost and all that was still uncertain. The beautiful postcard was just beautiful from the outside. It was sweet and bitter to me at the same time. As if the appearance wasn't able to completely erase the negative associations that positively correlated with it.

_You barely got back and I'm already sick because of you, Lee Minhyung_.

♥

"How are your love conquests? Did you scored him?" My friend was definitely not playing polite fool and he got right to the point to what he was most interested in during my stay in Korea.

"Johnny..." I muttered dissatisfiedly. It irritated me when anyone mentioned a word about my life outside of homeland. I hated it. Hated it and wanted to forget it all at once.

"Well, that's very much in your Canadian style..." he muttered a little playfully, as if he didn't want to remind me of the roots but felt gently obligated to do so anyway.

"You know I've got over such silly stuff," I said quite seriously. "I've changed".

"I know, man." Johnny shook head, unable to drive away a mocking smile. "But it's always a good motive to get you a little bit dusty at a distance if I can't do it by myself."

"It doesn't amuse me even a little," I muttered, looking around the attic. Everywhere were foils, paints and plastic boxes. I hated to do such mess but unfortunately I wasn't the most qualified person in the field of renovation. For all this _"I'll do it all by myself"_ thing, everything took me two times longer than it should and looked a little worse than I wanted.

"So, for the time being the boy kept his purity," Johnny sighed as if he was really disappointed. This time, however, I wasn't a little bit sorry or ashamed that I put him into such mood.

"And he will keep it for a long time," I said with conviction.

"Seriously?"

"Seriously."

"Wow."

"You act like I went back to Korea to shaft him and blow through to Canada," I noticed with disgust. The mere thought that I could treat Donghyuck the same way as anyone else before made me gag. This relationship was completely different. Maybe a bit childish and idealized by years of separation but still - just different. And I wanted to keep its uniqueness and celebrate it. I believe that the person, whose existence allowed me to put my life together after so many years of destroying it, deserved respect. He deserved everything - even the childish idealization of the relationship we were in.

"Canadian style..." friend suggested.

"Stop, Johnny, it really ceased being funny."

I felt bad, using such a maternal tone towards him. Unfortunately, my friend was a almost two-meter, twenty-five-year-old kiddo. This was impossible to hide. He lived as if there was no tomorrow, as if the world belonged to him and there were no consequences of bad behavior. I used to be the same. In the end we got to know each other like that - crossing borders, playing to the bitter end and fucking random guys. Now I have changed and he was still leading an old lifestyle.

"Jesus Christ! Chill, man," he said, seeing my not very pleased face. "How's repairing?" he asked, changing the subject. It was good to know that he hadn't completely lost the ability to notice when he was crossing the line and it was time to really shut up because it would end badly. We hardly ever argued. Even at all in the past. I didn't want to change that. The Chicago boy was my only devoted friend.

"I'm finishing the bedroom in the attic and..." I started quietly as Johnny giggled. I sighed hard, unable to stop the gentle smile that crept into my mouth. I shook head only in disapproval and disappointment. "You'll probably never change."

"No," he confirmed shamelessly and firmly, as if this one issue of his life was approved by fate to the tombstone. Squared deviation. All Johnny.

"Later I'll go to the first floor but I won't use it," finished my previous thought, looking up at the ceiling. All this repair was enough to give me headache.

"Why?" The black haired was a little surprised.

"Which lonely guy needs fully equipped two floors?" I asked with a grin. The prospect of sitting in this house without any company has already commended me fair to middling and I even don't want to think what I'll feel when I'll finally live here all alone. Johnny just nodded in response as if he understood my point of view. But I could never be one hundred percent sure of this. "I'll do the home office on the ground floor anyway."

"How's progress in the book? You haven't even mentioned it lately and I forgot for a moment that you were doing anything there, apart from sitting on your ass of course," he joked quite poorly.

"I haven't looked at it yet. First - home," I said firmly. The truth was, however, that at the top of my list of priorities was something completely different anyways. Arriving here under the cover of writing a book quietly in the family sides was false for everyone, regardless. Johnny sighed loudly, leaning heavily on chair.

"I arrive in mid-November somehow, as if you didn't know yet," he said without asking for any permission. He doesn't care if he's welcome here. "I hope you'll trim everything there until then."

"Sure, you're going to get here for done, typical, you little fucker," I rolled eyes. I knew that from the very beginning but the words that were uttered so straight from the boy's face were still shocking.

"As always, darling," he winked. I shrugged. It won't be possible to change anything about him anyway. He'll come here whether I want or not.

"I'm going back to work, Johnny," I told him, grabbing the laptop screen slowly.

"Greetings for Donghyuck" he laughed insolently.

"He doesn't know you."

"But he will."

"I hope not."

♥

"What if he has someone?" Jeno asked with genuine concern. I didn't take that into account. Would he then behave in front of me like that? Some strange encounters, trips alone over the lake one-to-one. Maybe I was stupid and naive but Minhyung didn't have the aura of renewing friendship. I had the impression that he wanted something more from me like I wanted something more from him too.

"You think that's possible?" I muttered under breath, bettering the duvet on stomach. My hoarseness didn't disappear completely since last week but it was certainly smaller. "He would come to Korea completely alone?"

"You know...," the boy began thoughtfully. "Everyone has some of their own little things out there," he shrugged. "Maybe someone will get to him somehow later."

"I didn't take that into consideration," I admitted frankly. Jeno's doubts genuinely brought the anxiety in my heart. What if Minhyung doesn't want from me anything but friendship? What if I mistakenly misinterpreted something again?

"How come? Mind you have eyes," he laughed in disbelief.

"What does that supposed to mean?" I asked, frowning. Jeno looked at me like the last naive idiot on this planet.

"He looks like he broke someone's heart every five minutes," he explained when noticed that I still didn't get the deeper meaning of his speech. I frowned. Immediately somehow it spoiled my humor.

Minhyung is one of the most handsome guys I've seen in my life. His blonde hair slightly rejuvenated him and he didn't really look like his twenty-two years. I never thought about our age gap as something important. Four years didn't divide us into an extremely different two ends. Maybe it looked worse when a fourteen-year-old girl is dating 18-year-old guy but I will be an adult soon and Minhyung doesn't quite behave like an adult. That is why I didn't think that we could share the gap in life experience. It's something different when it comes to sexual experience that I had no idea about. What was promising to me, for Minhyung could be just fun. However, I didn't want to believe it.

"All in all, you're right," I sighed heavily, slowly realizing my own mistake in evaluating the situation. "In his eyes I'm probably still a turd."

"Minor in addition."

"You're not comforting!" I raised voice a little. I began to wonder if Jeno was really my friend if he made such a joke. A few words of encouragement wouldn't hurt him.

"On a scale of one to ten, how much did you fall in love with him again?" He asked calmly, completely ignoring my outburst of anger.

"One hundred," I muttered childishly, ashamed a bit of a turgent approach to recent events.

"Given that he's been here for less than a month, that's probably a lot." Jeno showed me an ironic thumb raised up. I wanted to hit him in the face. He wasn't able to take anything seriously for a moment. For me, the relationship with Minhyung was really important. It wasn't a fact known only to me. Jeno also saw this and didn't help in solving the problem.

"I still don't know anything about him. He's almost like a stranger to me," I whispered after a moment of silence. I glanced down at my intertwined palms. I lost myself a little bit in all of it recently. Since the expedition to the lake I had no contact with Minhyung. I didn't want to call him first. Minhyung also had my number. Besides, it was somehow awkward, uneasy. Our last nearing... I didn't understand anything anymore. I didn't know what he actually wanted from me because he sent conflicting signals at times.

I was afraid.

I was afraid of misrepresenting his smallest gesture.

And I was most afraid of overinterpretation.

I didn't want to exaggerate anything.

I didn't want my head to tell me some superfluous endings to a non-existent stories.

And I didn't want to get hurt again, which would probably kill me.

"But something connects you two," Jeno remarked without mockery.

"I'm afraid it's just a sentiment..."

"So the return to friendship is impossible?" He asked.

"It figures," I sighed heavily, giving birth to a long silence. I was wondering whether to say it aloud. To admit to Jeno what my heart was hiding for a long time now. Something my friend was probably aware of. I was quite clear in this respect. "I don't want to be friends with him, Jeno. I don't feel it to him anymore," I said softly.

"Lee Donghyuck."

"Come on?! Can't I fall in love?" I asked indignantly. I didn't say that I wanted him to hook me up in the bushes by the road but that I didn't want friendship anymore and I prefer a relationship instead. For God's sake.

"You have no experience in relationships," he pointed out to me, like a voice of reason. I knew it well.

"So what?" I responded in a little defensive tone, slightly indulging.

"He probably already nailed half of Canada's population," Jeno said with disarming sincerity and I saw that he didn't want to offend me at all. He just wants to point me some facts. "You know there's a difference in sexuality between our countries, Donghyuck." 

"You think so?" 

"I don't know... But do you really think he'd be renovating the house just for himself?" He asked in full doubt. "Who wants to live all alone in such a cottage?" 

"I think you're right..."

♥

A few minutes ago, the clock stuck 1AM and I still couldn't sleep. I hated this motel and I hated most that the blanket under my head still had a smell of Donghyuck.

It was one and a half of week since our meeting and the boy didn't give me a sign of life. He didn't write, he didn't call. Nothing. Silence. I began to wonder if I was too cheeky on the lake, too obvious. I just wanted to speed it up, gently pushing all this machine forward. I wanted him so much. I wanted Donghyuck exclusive. I didn't know, however, whether he wanted it too and his opinion was rather crucial in this case. I didn't want to persuade the boy to make any decision against his will.

I looked at the phone a hundredth time already in the last few days and after a second thought I already held it in my hand and dialled the boy's number. I felt that this lack of information would eventually kill me. I wouldn't be surprised if my connection naturally died without an answer because the time was rather late. After three beeps I began to lose hope.

"Yes?" I heard a hoarse voice on the other side of the handset. Hyuck coughed, clearing throat.

"Aren't you sleeping?" I wondered.

"Guess, Minhyung," he chuckled softly and I shut eyes with embarrassment.

"Right, that's a silly question," I admitted, getting another pound of giggle. I smiled under breath. It was good to finally hear him, though I would also like to enjoy myself with the sight of him. But you can't have everything. "So... why don't you sleep at this time?"

"I can't..." he said softly. "I don't know, I have too much thoughts in my head. And you?"

"I guess me too," I sighed heavily, analyzing last deep thoughts on life and further functioning in this society. I was very lonely here. I didn't have anyone close with whom I could spend my free time or simply talk when I was bored. Besides renovating the house, I had no other deeper interests that could absorbe me for the rest. I have never built ships in a bottle, glue models of planes, made stained glass.

In Ansan I only had him and he was silent.

"Why are you calling me in the middle of the night?" Donghyuck finally asked, interrupting the brief silence between us.

"You don't speak up to me for a few days now," I replied with a note of remorse in my voice. I hoped, however, that the boy's vigilant hearing had not registered it. "Something happened?"

"Yes," he replied without hesitation.

"What is that?" I was worried, automatically sitting on the bed.

"Because of your lake ideas, I'm lying in bed for pneumonia, moron."

"Why didn't you say anything?" I asked, ignoring the small offense of my majesty. Actually, he had the right to be a little angry with me but I didn't affect the weather. What could I do about it?

"I didn't want to worry you," he sighed sleepily, in slightly muffled voice. I imagined how slowly he rubbed tired face with hand. "Besides, I thought you were busy," he added after a moment and I was left with nothing but a laugh straight into the handset.

"Hyuckie, with what can I be busy in this dump?" I asked incredulously. The lack of time in Ansan from my perspective was something ridiculous. I had too much of it.

"I don't know..." he muttered indistinctly. "I don't know anything about you actually," he whispered. I didn't know what to say to him now. I didn't know anything about him either. We were actually stargers acquaintances. On the one hand, an open conversation between us should be something natural and on the other hand, too many years have passed to make it easy to relate now. Our relationship was tense and ambiguous in many aspects. So far, however, we didn't even know how to solve it. "Are you there?" Donghyuck asked after a moment of mutual silence.

"I am..." I replied blankly, looking at the clock hanging from the opposite wall. His calm ticking echoed through the room. "Want to play the questions and answers?" I offered suddenly, not thinking too long about how it sounded.

"It's childish, Minhyung," he replied with a genuine reserve in voice. As if he abhorred the fact that such a proposal came out from a guy four years older than him.

"Hey, you little asshole..." I laughed in disbelief. Sometimes his impertinence surprised me. As if he had an alternative, diabolical personality.

"Let's play!" He replied quickly, realizing that age and childishness are not my favorite topics to talk about. In front of Donghyuck sometimes I felt really old. Sometimes this difference distracted me a little bit because Hyuck's appearance additionally subdued him years. I also didn't look like twenty-two years in general but yet, despite all of this, there was a visual gap between us. The boy was awfully shy and delicate. Sometimes I felt as if I was associating with a child and not with an intelectual peer.

"And what am I supposed to do with you?" I asked, sighing heavily. 

"Play the questions and answers," he said quite seriously, as if he didn't leave me another choice.

"Okay, get started." 

"Is green still your favorite color?" 

"What kind of question is that?" I wondered. 

"Oh, God... It's just for a warm-up, just answer me," he sighed with irritation as if I had destroyed all the fun. 

"Yes. And yours violet? "

"Yes. What's your best friend's name? "

"Is that a trick question? "I asked suspiciously, scratching arm. 

"No, why?" He denied, coughing quietly on the side. I frowned. If after more than a week he was still spluttering, I suspected that this illness was bad enough. I began to feel a bit guilty for the condition in which he was now. 

"Because of the past, I should say that you," I replied timidly, trying to suppress the growing remorse. 

"Silly, of course not" he laughed radiant, as if his thoughts could never mumble a similar intrigue. "I ask about what is now," he explained.

"Johnny" I said quite reluctantly. Whenever I imagined the potential meeting of my friend with Donghyuck, I felt cold chills. From this face to face meeting it could not be any good things. Johnny was too... cheeky and rather very lighthearted, light manners. "Crazy, unbearable boy from Chicago," I said instead. "I hope you will never meet him."

"Why?" Hyuck was surprised. Rarely it is heard that it is better not to know someone you call your best friend. 

"Because he knows me better than anyone else and cann't keep his mouth shut. It could become... distastefully" I laughed a little nervously.

"What nasty things did you do, Lee Minhyung?" He asked warily, as if he were playing the role of a jealous, worried boyfriend. I liked it myself. I was going to fill him in this role sooner or later anyway. I was glad that he's interested in me in any way.

"A lot of bad things, Hyuckie," I mumbled, however, not very happy. Johnny knew of me by far too many negatives that could cover the positives at this stage. "But now my turn to the questions," I noticed quickly, wanting to divert his attention. I preferred to focus on more serious questions. I wanted to know more answers not necessarily the nature of your favorite color or bath toys. "Why did I meet you at my house then?" I asked with a coy smile. It was following me since the first seconds after I saw him. But long silence answered me itself. That's why my smile went pale. It came to me that the background of his visit might not have been so merry. I coughed that awkwardness into my clenched hand. I rolled over to back. I started staring at the ceiling.

"I always come there for your birthday" Donghyuck finally said shyly. The tightening in his voice was too perceptible. "I buy your favorite cupcake and light a candle..." he hesitated for a moment. "...making a wish."

"What kind of wish?" I asked, smiling under breath. He was incredibly charming.

"If it's done, then I guess I can say it aloud..." He hesitated as though he wasn't certain if the words weren't stupid or inappropriate. "Wish you come back to me someday," he said so quietly that I barely caught it. My cheeks flushed with a slight blush.

"Well then you will have to come up with a new wish," I said slowly, wondering when the heat would finally leave my cheeks. I experienced something quite new to me. A kind of romantic infatuation, youthful love. As if cutting out Donghyuck form my life, I've never really been in love. My relationships were not based on any kind of love because I did not expect them to be. That's why my current state, other heartbeats, loss of breath and strange stomach aches - it has been something completely new for me since the last couple of years.

"I think so," he said cheerfully, as if he was grateful that I had not tasted the subject. "What did you like most about life in Canada?" He asked with genuine curiosity.

"Hmmm... independence?" I asked inquiringly as if I wasn't entirely sure. There were many things I loved in this country but also many things I honestly hated. It was hard to choose one feature of my life in Canada, which I highly valued. "My aunt didn't demand anything from me, allowed everything, didn't control, gave me a free hand in everything..." I sighed, saying half truth.

"Sounds awesome," Donghyuck pointed out, as if he understood my nostalgic tone in wrong way. Indeed, such life is dreamland for someone who can live it reasonalby. I lost this judiciousness for a few years.

"Sounds awesome, if someone knows how to use it wisely," I admitted to him. "I didn't know. But this is not a conversation for today. My question now" I quickly cut this topic before it could develop well. "Will you help me renovate my house when you bounce back?"

"This is not a question, silly, just a request" he laughed cheerfully and I decided that I loved it so much. Smiling and joyful to the limit. I hated Donghuck's gloomy tone. I didn't like it when he thought about something so much that the corners of his mouth were constantly down. "Sure, I'll help you," he assured, giving the beginning of longer silence. I glanced at my watch. 2AM was coming slowly, what meant that we had been talking for an hour or so. I didn't know what to ask him. Too much I wanted to know and I didn't have the courage to englut the hunger for knowledge right now. Certain matters needed time to be spontaneously resolved. Some things could not be unraveled by one phone call made in the middle of the night after a month's acquaintanceship. "Minhyung..." Hyuck said suddenly, timidly interrupting the long silence on the line.

"What?" I asked not very eloquently. I was so immersed in my own thoughts that I didn't registered his voice fast enough.

"Have you ever been in love?" He muttered indistinctly, but understandably.

"What is this question?" I laughed uncertainly. He put me in a little embarrassment.

"Just answer," he insisted.

"I was" I admitted after some thought.

"And how's this feeling?" He whispered uncertainly to the handset.

"And you weren't?" I asked with some astonishment but in my heart I hoped he truly weren't. This question bring it home to me that I have no idea about Donghyuck's potential girls or boys. I blindly assumed nobody was there; nobody was there and I was the one who would be with him in the future. I wanted to slap my forehead with an open hand. My inner egoist didn't even whisper to me that in Hyuck's eyes I might not be the perfect material for future boyfriend.

"I don't know exactly. That's why I ask," he said frankly. I sighed.

"Hmmm... that's an interesting feeling," I shrugged, staring into the ceiling. I came back slowly to high school memories, my last memories of Korea. "When you're close to that person, you feel safe but his safety is your priority. When your body accidentally touches, your heart accelerates. You feel that you're able to sacrifice everything for this person and change into a better human to be a good partner for yours beloved. But you also make stupid mistakes, you want to impress him, you're often making an idiot out of yourself. You always want to be with him and when you hurt him, you feel like hurting yourself, as if you were pinned down by millions of tiny needles. "

I've always beaten the kids who bullied Donghyuck. I called names those who called him names too. That was my role in elementary school. The boy himself was too delicate to oppose the elders. He was giving up early but when I was sad, he could comfort me like no one else could. In front of Hyuck I always forgot about my father, who was waiting for me at home, about the screams and quarrels of my parents. One smile of this little devil, one of his mischief or prank and my heart was beating quite differently. This has always been like this since the first day we've met...

When our shoulders were accidentally brushing each other, I was having almost a heart attack. At first I didn't attach importance to it that much. I didn't realize my own feelings because they weren't normal according to the wisdom of the local people. Discovery of them was shocking and awkward. I didn't know what am I supposed to do with them.

When I wanted to impress Donghyuck, I climbed the tallest tree in the area and waved him from the top and the boy smiled at me from the bottom. But I bitterly regretted such foolishness because finally the boy shoot up and he was able to follow me. He fell from the tree, breaking his arm and losing consciousness. Until today, he had a memorial in the form of a small scar at his right eye. Then I died of anxiety and came to the conclusion that It's high time to change myself so not to create another situation that would endanger him in any way.

Finally, in adult life, I witnessed one of the most traumatic events of my existence. As usual I wandered around clubs in the suspicious districts of Vancouver and saw rape on a drugged boy. He was terribly similar to Donghyuck. He was so blatantly similar to him that it hurt because I wasn't able to help him. I was too high to know where I was going and even what my name was. Then I just finished with drugs and sex in queer quarter.

That was what love was - it is capable of changing a man so as not to hurt this second person.

But I didn't say this aloud.

"I think that's how it looks like," I sighed with a pale smile on my lips. "Are you in love with someone, Hyuckie?" I asked calmly, though I didn't want to know the answer to that question. No, if it was going to hurt me.

"I think so..." he whispered and I closed eyes tightly. I was stupid, that's all. Five years is too long. I was an idiot, hoping that nothing would change here. That he won't change.

"That's good," I said hollowly, without emotion. I couldn't pretend satisfaction because it just wasn't in me even in one gram. "Hail the greatest stupidity you made from falling in love," I added anyway. I didn't want to say anything more because it was filled with disappointment and sadness. But some part of me still didn't want to end this conversation. I wanted to hear his voice.

"The stupid thing..." he thought aloud. "I don't know if I can say that to you."

"Why?" I whispered more in the form of assertion than the question.

"Because I won't be able to look you in the eyes later," he said with disarming sincerity. I involuntarily smiled.

"Was it so stupid that you want to hide it?" I asked, rising slowly from the bed. I went to the window to look out at the moonlit street. Calm and quiet. I leaned shoulder against the wall beside the windowsill.

"It's not about it..." he muttered reluctantly.

"Then about what?" I inquired. "I wont judge you, silly. I'm the last person to have the right to do that," I admitted, watching the cats lazily treading the roof tiles of the house on the other side of the street. Their black fur perfectly blended into the darkness of the night and the white socks on their paws nicely with that glow contrasted. "So...?" I said after a moment when Donghyuck was still fighting with himself on the other side of the handset. I turned back to the window and leaned it against the window sill.

2:40 AM struck.

"The stupidest thing I've ever done was running away from home," he finally said and I couldn't resist and rolled eyes. What a crazy guilt! My words were missing when I tried to describe such an evil crime. I couldn't suck it up that this boy really was so innocent. I was about to open my mouth to make fun of him but Donghyuck started to develop his thoughts and suddenly I ran out of words to answer - this time without sarcasm. "I was fifteen and I got the brilliant idea that I would find you thanks to postmark on the postcard you sent me for my birthday. I took all the money I had, packed up and went to the airport. I went to the ticket office with the attitude that I would go to this shitty Canada just to kick your ass for what you did to me and I would return home. But my expedition ended up calling for my parents by security guards and for the next month I had a ban on leaving home." He laughed, sniffing right away. I was speechless. "Silly, isn't it?" He asked in an unstable voice. "I didn't even know that my poor savings would barely make it back home by bus. I wanted to see you again so much..." he began but suddenly stopped and I didn't know what to say to him. I felt sorry and remorse, although me myself had little influence on what happened to me. I was a weak man who broke the heart of an even weaker kid. I wanted to laugh bitterly. We were worth each other. "I wanted it so much that I wasn't able to think of anything else," he confessed, sniffing and losing his voice. "I felt then... that even... even if I had to... I... I would go to you on foot, Minhyung..." he said and then he started crying for good. I slid slowly down the wall, finally sitting on the floor and listening. I listened to the boy crying on the other side of the handset, feeling complete helplessness.

"Hyuckie..." I whispered in the end, without knowing what I wanted to pass on to him next. That I also felt this way? That I also suffered? That I also wanted to escape but I didn't succeed? That I loved him day by day more and more desperately, more and more hopelessly, more and more to the loss of the senses? That I cried every night after my departure from powerlessness and my own infirmity, until I fell by the wayside completely? That I loved him so much that I sank so low that no-one could even sank lower?

"It's all because I haven't told you that then..." he squeezed out, recovering his voice for a moment.

"Told me what?" I asked calmly.

"Under this shitty tree, at this fucking intersection..." he stopped short and my heart ceased beating for amoment. He asked me abut it then... He asked if we would go out somewhere together after school. He wanted to say something to me. I wanted too. For a long time. Dear God... Dear God... "Even now..." he squeezed, losing breath almost immediately. "Even now I cannot..."

"Donghyuck," I interrupted him firmly but the boy seemed not to listen to me at all.

"I'm so sorry, Minhyung..." he whispered in a weeping voice.

"Donghyuck, listen to me for a moment," I said seriously, strongly. I wanted him to calm down. I wanted him to take my words literally and in earnest. He was silent. "Are you listening?" I asked.

"Mhm," he muttered indistinctly, sniffing.

"As soon as you recover you have to let me know."

"What for?" He sighed in a hoarse voice. He started coughing loudly.

"I want to take you somewhere," I whispered quietly as he calmed down a little.

"You took me once. And now I lie in the bed with pneumonia. I don't want to know how I'll end up after another trip with you," he said with a faint resentment in his voice. I couldn't hold back and silent laughter dropped my mouth. I imagined such a snotty, big kid who is still trying to insult and be serious.

"Relax, we'll go on a date," I explained to him, smiling under breath.

"What?" He asked in shock.

"What you heard," I said quite seriously. "As soon as you recover, I'll take you on a date, Hyuckie."


	7. Date

**Hyuck:** _> What am I supposed to pop on?_

 **Me:** _>_ _Why you ask?_

 **Hyuck:** _> If you want to hunt bears with me in the forest I'll dress a tracksuit and if you're taking me to the debutants' ball in Milan I'll go with a bib and tucker._

I started to laugh, leaving the bathroom. I couldn't believe what this guy actually was. I could have sworn I had known at least three new sides of his personality for the last week of writing and talking on the phone. Donghyuck was as diverse as crystals in a kaleidoscope. It changed depending on the topic of conversation. Once he was taunting me with a malicious joke in all possible ways and once he turned out to be a brilliant listener and an advisor. He fascinated me to the limits and haven't stopped surprising me yet.

**Me:** _> Dress up as if you were going out with friends. Casually._

**Hyuck:** _> Okay._

Today we're finally going out on a date and I was ashamed to admit it but I had no idea how to behave, what to do. I have never been on a date before, although I could have an appearance of a person who has a million of them behind. Fair to middling I knew what beseemed and what not. That's why everything was stressing me out so much. I didn't want to do anything stupid, scare him or get Donghyuck dicouraged, therefore, I have decided to be polite, don't make any darts and don't accelerate anything under no circumstances .

I left Korea exactly May 30. This means that I wasn't in the country for Donghyuck's birthday, which was June 6. I wanted to take him to the cinema then. I didn't know whether it was a date or a friendly meeting. I wasn't able to assess whether or not I would have my small, loving confession by then. Now I didn't have to worry about it anymore. Even if this confession still didn't come out of our mouth, we knew we were no longer just friends.

I felt that after five years I finally got a second chance.

♥

I was standing in front of the open wardrobe and literally had no idea what to put on. Minhyung said that like for an outing with friends. It means comfortable and normal. But I didn't want to look ordinary. Finally we were going out on a date. It would be silly to show up in a potato bag. It was an inability to describe how fast my heart was beating and how stressful it all was for me. I didn't want to fool myself. I had no idea about dating. I never had a boyfriend, never kissed properly like couples do, didn't walk holding hands and didn't cuddle with anyone in a romantic way (because my mother couldn't be taken under consideration). Minhyung in turn had many guys and I didn't know exactly if he was with them in the relationship but he was definitely with them in bed. All of this only additionally was giving me heart palpitations.

When I was standing in the room and thinking about my life, mom opened the door and walked slowly inside. We exchanged quick glances and the woman sat down on the bed and looked at me closely.

"Dress this black golf," she finally said calmly. "You look good in it."

"Thanks," I whispered, reaching for the top shelf for my sweater.

"You're going out together with Minhyung, aren't you?" she asked in her controlled, motherly voice.

"Yes" I confirmed quite restlessly, smoothing invisible folds of golf. I was still sick, so it wasn't strange that I hid myself from feet to neck. That was the kind of thing that worried me too.

"Donghyuck... your father want to talk with you today," she said finally.

"What?" I wondered, almost instantly glancing at the woman. She looked at me with unsure smile on lips and shrugged.

"You know... about life and all the other things..." she sighed heavily, dropping gaze. I rubbed face slowly with hands, gradually digesting this nonliteral message. I leaned back leisurely against the closet door.

"Did you tell him?" I asked uncertainly, to the end not believing that I said it aloud. I trusted my mother like anyone else in this world. I knew she was keeping secrets. Besides, she was my _mom_. As the name implies, she is supposed to love me immensely and protect me from potential danger.

"Of course not" mom confirmed my assumption, getting up slowly from the mattress. She has slowly overcome the small distance that separated us. Woman put a hand on my shoulder and looked deep into eyes. "You're spending a lot of time with Minhyung..." she whispered. "Throughout all these years, you haven't brought any girl along home. He's not stupid, son," mom said, stroking me gently with her thumb on cheek. I closed eyelids and lowered head.

"What should I do?" I never intended to disclose my sexual orientation tofather. He liked me on average even without it. If I were to announce that his only son is gay, I would do so by living a stable life on another continent. In times of dependence on him, getting out of the closet was completely out of the question.

"I don't know, honey... I'm just warning you - to think about it," she said simply. "You have to take into account the consequences; just in case" I sent her worried look. I didn't know how I was supposed to handle living on my own, only by myself. I was completely dependent from my parents. I couldn't do it alone. "You know I won't leave you," she added after a moment as if she knew perfectly well what demons I was fighting with. "But at the same time I prefer to have everything like it used to be. Same old."

"Me too..." I muttered under breath. "Don't worry, I'll come up with something," I said finally. After all, I wasn't an idiot. This conversation has been hanging in the air for a very long time now. My father kept it zipped only because of my little health problems. Silence and peace are always a prelude to the coming storm. I had an emergency plan.

"On the dryer you have those... trousers with holes," she replied in quite normal tone, approaching the door. "They will fit."

"Thanks" I sent her a tired smile.

"Have fun, honey. Don't make bollocks" she asked calmly, then came out as I nodded affirmatively.

In the sudden act of mental overload, I kicked the chest of drawers with all my might. I hated in father this extreme lack of tolerance, envy, disgust whenever he looked at me and realized that I could be gay. I saw it. I've seen it more than once. That look. I didn't want to put off the carry-on, play in proving that I'm _normal_ that I'm _healthy_. But I knew I had no choice.

I walked slowly to the night table and picked up the phone with a quick motion.

**Me:** _< What time you're ending classes today?_

♥

When Donghyuck wrote me to meet up at school, I was a little surprised. There was a holiday and his extracurricular activities were held on Mondays and Wednesdays. Today we had a Friday. What kind of case could it be at such an hour and place?

I drove slowly to a deserted parking lot and stopped near the exit of the building. Donghyuck was sitting on the other side of the square on the bench with some girl. I got out of the car slowly and slammed door loudly, paying attention to myself. The boy waved shyly and showed three fingers, which probably meant I was going to give him a few more minutes for a little talk both of them had.

The girl was very pretty. Slim, perhaps slightly younger than Donghyuck - she looked innocent. If I didn't know what I was actually up to, probably jealousy would creep into my heart. I was too self-conscious to take into account the potential threat of another person. Hyuck was mine. If anyone wants to lead me out of error, he would have to count on that consequence. And in the case of a boy I wasn't going to get over it.

The next five minutes I spent looking at the boy from a distance. He looked good. So good that it's breathtaking. If he had dressed himself like this every time I see him, I sincerely felt sorry for this boy because overcoming the desire to get him into bed would be very hard. Or for me, because I will be the hot side not being able to put my hands on him the way I want. And I doubted Donghyuck would be the submissive one after the first date. I felt times of great patience and work appearing around the corner.

I sighed, glancing at watch. We still had plenty of time to get to the center but I preferred spending time with him instead of looking at him at a distance of three hundred meters. Besides, I wondered what kind of thing they couldn't handle on the phone. Preposterous. I got into the car. That all waiting already got me tired before the run. I closed eyelids, tilting head back. The school on both sides was surrounded by a huge forest, which made sounds typical of the mid-summer season - the buzz of lush crowns, the chirping of the the birds amused by warm air. Through the window to the car came summer, pleasant breeze and everything seemed to tone in with each other in perfect harmony.

Finally, Donghyuck slowly got into the car, drilling a bit at the passenger's seat. I yawned discreetly, casting a curious glance at him.

"Sorry," he said simply, carefully fastening his seatbelt.

"Well, nothing happened," I shrugged. "What did you do there?" I asked, twisting the key in the ignition.

"Business" smiled weakly. I looked at him quizzically. "I made myself a fake girl just in case."

"What?" I laughed in disbelief. I didn't know if I heard right. Donghyuck focused eyes on the phone that he was spinning in hands.

"My father began to guess that there is something wrong with me... If I won't get him out of the way, I would be homeless," he muttered reluctantly.

"What is wrong with you?" I asked surprised. After a while, however, it came to me what is a real problem here. I blew a raspberry within. Preposterous. Again. I couldn't get used to it one more time - to this discrimination at every possible step.

"I prefer the guys to the girls and I don't bring a new girl home every week, showing the whole neighborhood what kind of district macho I am... ," he laughed under breath with a crooked smile then shrugged. "I think it's enough to be considered a sick person," he whispered after a moment. There was a grimace of dissatisfaction on my lips. There was no sense in this. We both knew that the reality surrounding us wasn't the ideal and perfect one. There was no point in adding unnecessary comment.

"District macho" I laughed under breath, slowly leaving the car park. There was a long silence between us after that.

Korea in terms of tolerance was a strange place. On the one hand, same-sex people walking around holding hands weren't as outraging when they were in friendship. If they entered into a relationship, it was considered to be pathological situation and it deserved the highest social condemnation. In Europe or North America, in large cities, same-sex couples or people of different nationalities were on the agenda. In homosexuality there was nothing new or weird. From my perspective it was so ironic that country such far advanced in technological terms could be so backward on the social issues. However, we're not able to choose our homeland. On paper we get it together with its culture, customs, laws and gross domestic product. You can escape, you can get free but it's still your home and the home gives you attachment and leaves the sentiment - makes you want to go back even if it imposes legal regulations and restrictions on you.

Donghyuck watched the landscape outside the window in silence. Completely absorbed in his own thoughts. Quite often he did it. He closed himself in own imagination, own world. He ignored the surroundings completely, as though it was something insignificant. For some inexplicable reason, I didn't like it when he was this way. I was troubled.

"What are you thinking about?" I asked, glancing at him.

"Hm?" he muttered completely distracted. Hyuck looked at me with those warm, big eyes. He was beautiful...

"What are you thinking?" I asked once more, putting hand on his thigh carefully but securely at the same time. The boy quickly glanced at my hand and his cheeks highlighted delicate pink. I wanted to laugh out loud but I didn't. When he looked at me, he had a pretty serious face.

"Don't you think your hair looks a bit like ramen noodles?" He muttered thoughtfully and bent the corners of mouth down as if he really thought it deeply.

"Hey, kid... and don't you think running to town after the car will do you good?" I asked with a slight laugh of irony. Donghyuck chuckled, biting lower lip slightly. He turned back to the window, lightly sliding his hand under mine and clasping our fingers together.

"You're sweet when you're angry," he said calmly with a cheerful note in his voice. I rolled eyes, shaking head sideways. Instead of answering, I concentrated on the road, gently stroking the circles with my thumb on his soft skin.

♥

Throughout the film I couldn't focus on its plot. It's not like it was terribly boring because it wasn't. I just couldn't believe that Minhyung was sitting next to me. It couldn't be that easy. For five years I dreamed of him going back to Ansan, finding me and getting back to the old days. I believed that if I was a good man, this kindness would come back to me and my wish would come true. That's why it all seemed unreal.

I looked at Minhyung at the corner of my eye and wondered if it was him. Is it true or is my head playing a joke on me again? Impossible. Jeno saw him. Mom saw him. It must be true. I'm not crazy. I could have blamed myself for a lot of things but certainly not for a serious mental illness.

I moved slowly to look again at the movie screen. I didn't know exactly what was going on in this movie. A couple drove by car through the forest and listened to quiet music from the nineties. Pleasant green was moving in front of my eyes and light sunshine between the crowns slightly irritated my pupils until the screen was completely blackened. The place of green was replaced by the final inscriptions and I cursed in spirit. I did it again. I turned off. Doggone.

"And how did you like the film?" Minhyung asked when the lights came on and the hall was half empty.

"Cool" I said with a smile. "In my style" I lied smoothly. I didn't want him to be sorry. I was embarrassed that on our first date I was only present physically.

"Do you like comedies?" He wondered. _Yeah... fuck. Was this a comedy? I hate comedies. For God's sake, Lee Donghyuck._

"Not really but lately I've become more tolerant of species" I sent him the most convincing smile I could do at the moment. Minhyung sighed heavily as he stared at me.

"I'm glad then that it was an action movie. It's just a pity that you spaced out on it completely" he murmured, raising eyebrows up. I closed mouth and eyelids and started wondering if really something can finally work out well in my life...

"I'm sorry," whispered, lowering head. We sat in silence for a moment and looked ahead to the gray screen. I was stupid. After a few moments the entire hall was empty.

"What's going around in your head, Hyuckie?" He asked more himself than me. "Perhaps... Am I... Am I doing something wrong?" He began slowly, leaning forward. He rested elbows on thighs and clasped fingers in the air. Mark shrugged helplessly. "We're speeding up all of this too much? I don't know how to slow down it even more but I can try to do it... "

"No. Minhyung..." I said finally, grabbing him gently by the arm. "Everything is all right... I'm ok, really," I assured the boy, clenching fingers gently on the fabric of his jacket. Minhyung looked at me as if my words weren't convincing at all. "I just have a worse day today," I whispered, saying what my mom always used to say to dad when I didn't have the strength to leave the room. "I didn't want to destroy your eve, I'm sorry," I finished almost silently. I was really sorry and I felt bad about it all.

"You didn't destroy anything," he assured calmly though with a strange sadness, as if he didn't have the strength for me. "Just look, you're still here," he said, gently sliding the strands of hair from my forehead. Boy sighed softly, slowly moving finger across my cheek. When our eyes met, he smiled subtly under breath. "Come on," he said, grabbing my hand. "We will go somewhere".

♥

We walked slowly down the alleyway, not exchanging words. I felt quite comfortable in this silence because I knew that Donghyuck wasn't uncomfortable with it at all. We strolled in silent agreement, though I couldn't help feeling that Hyuck's depressive mood was more than just a bad day. Sadness had a specific background, something that caused it. The boy's spirit didn't seem to have a particular stimulus. The surrounding aura was simply different, very unusual and hard to describe. But I believed that if Donghyuck was ready to tell me what he was hiding, he would say it one day.

"Minhyung..." he whispered suddenly, watching step carefully.

"Mmm?" I muttered, squeezing his hand tighter to give him the sign that I was listening. Donghyuck grind to a standstill and turned to me. He didn't look me in the eye and basically fell silent.

"We're together now, right?" he asked quietly, as if he was ashamed to screw similar words out of himself. "As a couple?" he pinned it down, raising eyes timidly. I smiled involuntarily, putting hands on his cheeks. I ran thumbs slowly over the boy's skin, nodding. In my opinion, similar conclusions were very quick. But since he felt that he wanted to name us somehow at this stage, I didn't mind.

"Yes," I said. In Donghyuk's eyes, however, I saw the smouldering uncertainty. I began to wonder what this boy was afraid of. "How else do you explain our today's meeting? We were on a date, Hyuck. As a couple," I pointed out when it came to me that the nod of my head was a weak confirmation for him. The boy caught me gently by the wrists, wrapping fingers around them.

"There won't be any situation in which a floozy from Canada will arrive in a month and tell you to come back because there are five children waiting for you across the ocean?" he made sure and I couldn't do anything other than to have a good laugh. But for boy it wasn't a laughing matter at all.

"Donghyuck..." I started slowly looking into his eyes but I didn't finish because I wasn't able to stop laughing. "I'm really impressed by your vivid imagination but I can swear I didn't leave any floozy in Canada. And much less I have five children with her, "I said calmly, kissing him gently on the forehead. "I'm all yours," I muttered, wrapping arms around his shoulders. I leaned chin on top of Donghyuk's head and closed eyes.

"One hundred percent?" He asked after a moment's silence, tickling me gently in neck with warm breath.

"Ninety nine because you have to leave something for the family," I joked.

"Deal," he agreed, loosening a few fingers clamped on my shirt. "I'm not that greedy. They can take those decimals," he whispered.

"Five children" I snorted in disbelief. Donghyuck laughed.

"My mother is watching a lot of Turkish dramas. There are far worse things going on," he said calmly. I didn't know for sure that it was possible to make five kids at the age of twenty-two but I decided to believe him that such things were happening in the world.

The evening was calm and quite warm. Still, the park was empty. I was expecting couples walking alleys or stray passersby, who cut their way home from work. But nobody was here. It didn't worry me even a bit. Thanks to such a pleasant coincidence we could now afford a moments of closeness.

"You were already in a relationship, didn't you?" He asked suddenly as if this minutes of silence triggered an avalanche of questions in his head.

"I'm not sure if this could be called relationships, Hyuckie..." I whispered. "I would call it rather fleeting contacts. They didn't matter to me in any way,"nI said softly, feeling Donghyuck's muscles tighten slightly.

"What do you mean by that?"

"Something I'm very ashamed of and I regret it too much," I sighed heavily.

"I've never been in a relationship before," he said simply, giving away any criticism directed at me. "Forgive me if I'm clumsy," he added quietly after a moment. "I never read it's manual," Donghyuck muttered under breath. I laughed softly, swaying us gently to the sides.

"I didn't have it in my hand either," I admitted bluntly. "So no worries, there are two of us in it. "


	8. Secrets

I walked in slowly to the house, wanting to shut the door behind me and run into the room as soon as possible. But when I was inside the building, it came to me that the desire to recall again happiness of this day in solitude wouldn't be possible. The kitchen was lit up. I sighed heavily, pulling down my boots with reluctance. It must have happened anyway. Something positive had to be dethroned by something negative so that the brain remained neutral. In the end, happiness is a very ephemeral thing. It only takes a few moments, doesn't keep on constantly high level as negative effects. At least I heard it somewhere. It is probably medical wisdom but in my case it had a use.

"Hi," I said to my father as I passed the kitchen. Until the last moment, I hoped he'd let me go down the stairs leading to the first floor and disappear behind the door of my room.

"Sit with me, Donghyuck," I heard in response instead of greeting. I closed eyelids. _Hope dies the last_ , as they say.

"Something happened?" I played a silly buggers, taking a seat on the chair which was as far away from him as possible. The men's shoulder grip after I've sold him this prepared bill of goods can cause me to vomit. I preferred to end today's meeting without unnecessary physical contact.

"You were all day with Minhyung?" He asked quietly. I was a little surprised because it wasn't a tone that accused child of being a faggot. It was the tone of a parent interested in kid's spontaneous getaway with a friend on the town.

"Yes, why are you asking?" I shrugged, acting as though this day hadn't been one of the best in the past few years of my life. I can't be misled by such behaviour so easily. The father was a master of conversation, manipulation, getting out of the people things that he wanted to hear. Typical entrepreneur. However, I've lived with him for many years; with this business game. His huge weakness was that he perceived me at this point as a business partner he had to sort through. He didn't look at me as a family member and that was his biggest problem. Because who else is able to see better the impure play of kinsman then one of the family members?

"Recently you're spending a lot of time with him, which is overly disturbing," he said finally, looking at me staggeringly. I was surprised.

"Why? After all, Minhyung is not a criminal." I laughed. "He has no friends here, so friendship with him doesn't hurt me in any way," I added to show him with this sentence what he really should be concerned about as my parent. That is my safety. Matters of sexual orientation should be a side issue, not a determinant of whether I will be considered a family member or kicked out of home.

"Friendship?" the word hung in the air, curling on his tongue.

"What else?" I shrugged.

"I don't know, son... maybe you find him attractive. This is thing that torments me recently. "

"Jesus, dad, I have a girlfriend," I said, putting in voice all my skill in the formulation of small lies. Big lies weren't my specialty. I just couldn't do it. Lie right in the eye. But the little lies in self-defense didn't hurt anyone. It would be a big lie to say that I don't find Minhyung attractive. But that's not the answer I gave, was it?

"Have you?" He wondered.

"Yeah," I shrugged, as if it was nothing new.

"Who is it then?" He looked at me suspiciously. Dad must have already had a whole list of my female friends from the nursery in his head and was just waiting with a mental marker pen, ready to cross out their names one by one.

"Koeun," I said. Choice of Koeun seemed most successful. We've been friends for a long time, didn't have any major secret and if pretended to be a couple, our behavior had a chance to look natural. The girl had no one at the moment, so the matter didn't have to go beyond the two of us.

"Why I don't know anything about this?" He asked in the same, doubtful tone. I rolled eyes.

"Because you would ask me to bring me her here and you would only embarrass me." I sighed heavily, drilling in seat. I wanted to be in my room so fucking much...

"So why are you always at Minhyung's place and giving an old father a heart attack?"

"I want to enjoy the moment while I can," I said straightaway. "In the end, you never know when he will disappear again," I muttered, speaking honestly what was lurking in the corners of my heart. I was afraid of this. I was afraid that Minhyung would disappear in the same way as five years ago.

"If it's really that way, you can already go to sleep," he said suddenly, standing up. 

I smiled under breath when I left alone in the room. It was nice that my orientation seemed to be the only thing that interested him truly. Pathetic. So many years of mutual indifference have passed that it would be strange to be concerned about my well-being now. But once I wanted to hear these strange now questions like: _How are you feeling? How is your day, son?_ Now they were useless. Wouldn't fix anything anyway. Since I "broke" you could say I only had my mother. Father cared about representativeness. The mentally weak son was everything else but not a child to be proud of and to take to dinner with friends or a business supper with the family of a future partner in foreign transactions. Our family began to fall apart. Apparently it's my fault.

**Me:** _> Well, you officially became my girlfriend._

**Koeun:** _> ♥ How's a date?_

**Me:** _> It was a little weird, but cool I think._

**Koeun:** _> You two still have time. Good night._

**Me:** _> Sweet dreams._

I threw myself on bed, sighing hard. This day was tiring in its own way. First talking to mom, then meeting with Koeun, a little strange date with Mark and interrogation by father. In my life there han't been as much amusements for half a year as it was in the last few days. I didn't know if I was happy about it or if I was sad because I wasn't fit for that kind of existence. I was leading a very peaceful life, passing slowly from day to day and I didn't even think about what would bring tomorrow because I didn't expect anything spectacular. Just like that. But now it was different. I was waiting for tomorrow, I was curious what would happen to me, what future bring and at the same time I was tormented by the prospect of problems which handling can be troublesome in the future. I had Minhyung and I was afraid I wouldn't have him after some time. I was in awe and I was tired of the fact that it was unfounded.

I was struck by the sound of the incoming message.

**Mark:** _> Let me know later how was the talk._

**Me:** _> I'm over it already. I've never had such a rich love life._

**Mark:** _> ?_

**Me:** _> Officially I have a girlfriend and secretly I have a boyfriend._

**Mark:** _ > Better than scrubber from Canada and five kids over the ocean._

**Me:** _> How long do you intend to reproach it to me?_

**Mark:** _> It just keeps me entertained. Goodnight, honey._

I blushed slightly, biting lip. I had no idea how miraculously our relationship so quickly evolved in such a short time but I enjoyed such turn of events.

**Me:** _> Goodnight, Minhyung._

♥

I didn't know what was going on in my life. I was with someone but I was still really alone. And loneliness was a terrible thing. It seemed to keep coming back to me. It was born in Korea, adhering to me to such an extent that only in this country I managed to soften it somehow. It traveled with me even to Canada, turning my life into even greater hell. I had the impression that this monster was only in those lands. Native area was cursed for me - the air smelled differently than in other corners of the world, people were somehow familiar, even if I saw them for the first time in my life and the neighborhood was a prison, whose bars grated on the heart in a bittersweet manner.

I wondered how my life would look now if the parents were still alive. What would happen if I didn't go to Canada and continue my life in Ansan? My family wasn't the ideal family but it just _was_. Its dysfunctionality was a problem but it gave me a home, it was the roots that kept me in Korea. By losing my family, I lost those roots. By losing Donghyuck, I also lost access to water, which enabled rebirth.

I had a boyfriend now for myself, the puzzle suddenly fit, creating slowly a consistent picture that once was only a million scattered pieces that no one was able to tackle. However, some items were missing and few of them couldn't be replaced by anything. Hyuck was with me but at the same time our life was like that as if there were still no us. We didn't live under one roof, we didn't spend any free time with each other. We lived separate lives - side by side but still not with each other. I spent the whole day sitting and renovating the house, trying to write from time to time the book god knows with what plot. I tried to take care of my obsessive thoughts that kept coming back to Donghyuck again and again. Even now. It hasn't been long since I drove him home and I would like to have him with me here again now.

Love was a funny thing. It made strange things with my heart. For the first time I felt something like that and still couldn't get used to it. The only constant element in all this was continual longing and lust. I wished for the first to cease and the latter to be satisfied. This desire beyond the basic needs of a sexually active man fueled yet another fact. Having sex with dozens of strangers, didn't make me feel anything special. Besides pure satisfaction, there was not even a hundredth of love in it. Johnny used to call me a _fucking whore_ jokingly. Although he didn't say it seriously, because he was having the same way of life, it hurt me because he was right. Jabbing without love is being a goer. I was just an ordinary wrecked junk who was bedhopping indiscriminately. I hated myself for that. I didn't know anyone who would despise himself more than me myself today. Sometimes I looked in the mirror and had the desire to dissolve it, spit on my reflection from pure disgust. I couldn't accept Mark Lee, wanting to go back to being a gray and boring Lee Minhyung. But that can't happen.

I was sitting in the dark living room of my old house looking around it. Surroundings was full of cartons but it looked like I was slowly getting in here. The motel was knackering me in a lot of ways - and most financially and mentally. I felt like a powdery, an eternal traveler who can no longer get settled anywhere. I wanted to be here, to live here and to feel what I once felt. I wanted to feel that I belong somewhere and have my own place to be.

♥

The day was going to be fucking hot. There was a terrible closeness in the air in the morning and the man was already sweating just at the thought of leaving the house. I was walking slowly to Minhyung's house, dressed from head to toe in black, covering whole body with a large hooded sweatshirt. Sweat ran down my ass and I hoped the boy was not planning to have any activity outside because I would probably end up living in his backyard with a boiled brain.

Since our date it passed a week and we have seen each other three times from that time. Still, it was strange to me that I had a boyfriend. Apparently nothing has changed but I felt differently. Being with Minhyung was the embodiment of my deepest dreams. The boy was an unattainable object beyond my reach for many years. Maybe that was the reason for my present condition - I wasn't just able to fully realize that I had him all for myself.

I walked slowly up the steps, passing through the open door of the house. I was greeted by a pleasant chill of the apartment, which wasn't able to be penetrated by the treacherous sun.

"I'm here!" shouted, standing in the corridor but no one answered. However, the door to the terrace behind the house was also lifted, so I came to the conclusion that Minhyung was out somewhere on the plot. The air didn't cause any draft but it showed just how hot it was today. I was afraid of what would be in the afternoon.

I bypassed a few boxes that stood in the living room and stepped onto a wooden platform, which also had several half-unpacked cartons. Mark sat in a destroyed gazebo at the other end of the plot, resting in the shade after a morning refit. The closer I came, the more it came to me that it was rather not willing to rest that dragged him there. Minhyung looked very absent. Thoughts have consumed him so much that he didn't even notice that I was going to his side.

"Hi, busy bee" I greeted him quietly, sitting down beside.

"Hey," he smiled, coming out of a thoughtful trance and wrapped arm around me. "There's not too hot for you today?" He asked, looking amazed at my sweatshirt.

"No," I denied, shrugging. "I'm always that way - It's always cold for me," I lied, leaning head on the boy's shoulder.

"Really?" He wondered.

"Mhm."

"That's strange," he murmured calmly, kissing my cheek.

"I know," I laughed, tilting head to one side. "About what were you thinking so deeply before I came?" I asked to change this not so pleasant for me theme.

"About the old days," he sighed a little nostalgically, staying silent for a long moment. I didn't want to rush him with all of those confessions. I knew he had a lot to say to me but I didn't push. I knew perfectly well how hard it was to throw everything out. I myself preferred to give me to him in appropriate portions because I was aware that it would be very hard to swallow some facts from each other's life. "I often sat here with my mother," boy said finally. "It used to be beautiful," added after a moment.

"Still is," I replied, leaning chin on his shoulder. "It has a climate".

"We'll restore it," he whispered, staring thoughtfully at the ceiling as though he had already seen what he wanted to do with the place. "It will be even nicer," said with conviction. "Are you hungry?" Mark asked, looking at me with a sweet smile.

"You think my mom would let me out of the house without breakfast?" I joked.

"I don't know..." he muttered amused, staring at me deeply. I reciprocated his look but it didn't work the best for me. It gave me even bigger heat wave than the one floating in the air. When the cold shiver passed me, I found that Minhyung's excessive closeness was strange to me and it was high time to move away from him. I lowered gaze, sitting straight. The boy just laughed softly in response to this embarrassment and made a gentle kiss on my forehead. I was a coward. "When your dad is leaving?" He asked instead of commenting on a situation that could only increase my embarrassment.

"In two weeks," I replied, looking away.

"Would you like to come to me for the weekend?" He offered suddenly.

"Here?" I wondered, glancing at the boy.

"Mhm," he nodded. "I brought things yesterday. I don't want to live in this obnoxious motel anymore. "

"What will we be... doing?" I asked uncertainly, not quite knowing what purpose the visit would have.

"I don't know..." He shrugged carelessly. "We'll probably make something up. Some movie, walk or anything else. Anything you want" he assured without hidden ambiguities. In the boy's voice I sensed the need to spend this time with me and the determination to fulfill any of my requests. I liked it. The initial suspicious terror was replaced by relief and safety. I still didn't quite know what kind of man Minhyung was. The look at relationships and his expectations for our life together as a couple gradually took shape but it was a slow process. Still a lot of how we both imagine ourselves as a boyfriends was very blurry area.

"Okay," I agreed. It didn't sound scary. Apparently, Minhyung didn't mean anything wrong at all. "With pleasure," I whispered, sending him the most charming smile I could afford.

♥

I stared discreetly at Donghyuck, who was incredibly impressed with my books on the bookcase in the study. I have no idea by what criterion he was filing it but I gave him a completely free hand in that case. It didn't matter to me. He looked incredibly cute as he tossed in hand a copy of the novel and, with his slightly bitten lower lip, wondered where to put it. He would stand on his tiptoes to squeeze it into the chosen place and then shook head, took out the book and looked for a more visually fitting place.

I began to wonder if I had ever seen him in a short sleeve. Since I arrived here, time has passed us on rather sunny, hot days. This has come to my mind some time ago but I didn't attach much importance to it. Recently, I have noticed that Donghyuck has a lot of secrets, he doesn't talk a lot about many things and doesn't want even to mention them. I was worried about it because it didn't look like a trivial problem but rather quite serious.

I approached him slowly and took a book from hands. Boy looked at me quizzically as I slid it over to the shelf but said nothing.

"You'll overheat yourself, wally" I muttered, having hand out toward him but Donghyuck was quicker and rapidly stepped back. Quick reaction, developed reflexes. That's how I saw it.

"I won't be," he laughed, reaching to the box for another book. I drew eyebrows and sighed heavily, repeating the test. But when I caught him gently at the bottom of the sweatshirt, Hyuck brushed off my hand with the force that I definitely didn't expect from him.

"Jesus, Mark, leave me alone," he said with exasperation, using my Canadian name. However, it didn't surprise me as much as his scared look. "I told you I'm ok, so I'm ok," he added after a moment as I sent a questioning look. He looked like he was about to cry, so I decided that it's better not to ask anything more. "Leave me alone," he whispered once again under breath more to himself than to me, embracing own arms. Donghyuck went out of the room.

I stayed in the office alone, wondering what had just happened. I admit that I was really surprised by the boy's reaction. I knew something was wrong but I didn't expect him to behave in a such way. I've never seen him before like that. I also knew that I never wanted to see him again in this state. That's why I decided not to ask and do anything that could be taken as threatening. It has come to me that there are the spheres of the body that I should not touch, so I decided to adjust to it.

I walked slowly out of the room and walked down the corridor to the living room. Donghyuck stood in the kitchen and drank juice, looking out the window. I stood half way, not quite sure if I should approach him at all. We couldn't pretend like we don't know each other now. That would be sick. We had to start talking about our problems and solve them together, otherwise it didn't make any sense. That's why I sighed heavily and crossed myself in spirit, killing the distance that separated us. When I stood behind Donghyuck I embraced him slowly and gently with hands on his waist. The boy passed a faint chill through body.

"I'm sorry," I whispered into ear, tightening a grip around his shoulders.

"Nothing happened," Hyuck sighed, slowly putting hands on mine.

"You'll tell me everything when you'll be ready?" I asked, not specifying anything. Actually, it was impossible to specify. I had no idea about anything. I only knew that for some reason he was constantly cold or something was covered by this sweatshirt. Hyuck confirmed it with a weak nod. "I'm not pushing," I said calmly but the boy unexpectedly turned to me face-to-face and tucked heavily into chest, hiding face in it.

"Thank you," he muttered uncertainly, clenching fingers on my shirt.


	9. Freedom written in the clouds

"I think that Minhyung guessed that I am hiding something from him," I said to Jeno, as we left the class. I couldn't live alone with what had happened any longer. I needed to confide in a friend.

"How on earth?" He wondered, staring in amazement. I was amazed too. After all, my tactic of hiding body was foolproof for years. Aside from the people I wanted to tell the truth to, there was no way anyone else knew.

"I was with him a few days ago... in these terrible heat. It was really hot and... and he wanted to take off my sweatshirt," I sighed in embarrassment, still remembering this terrible situation. In a long time nothing ashamed me more than my recent attitude. I put hands over face, tapping fingers tighter against the sockets. The memory was still alive and still killing from within just as much. "I was... so scared because he did it so suddenly that I didn't have a prepared answer. I made an unnecessary scene like an emotionally disturbed teenager..." I blurted out nervously, staring at the ceiling. Managing my own emotions in recent days has been difficult. There are too many new things going on in my life right now...

"Will you tell him?" Jeno thought aloud. It behoves. In the end, I could not keep my past forever like some dreaded secret. At the moment, however, I didn't have the strength to do it by myself.

"No. For the time being" I shrugged. I needed a plan, favorable circumstances... And most of all, I needed certainty that Minhyung would stay with me. It was a waste of time to reveal myself to someone who was going to leave anyway. 

"You know you'll have to..." As much as Jeno didn't like Mark, this time he was right. The boy must have known what was getting into when starting a relationship with me. Hiding such things was simply unfair.

"I know..." muttered reluctantly under breath. Talking about the past was too demanding and tiring for me. It didn't last a moment and the load was not simple and easy emotions. I had to prepare.

"Who knows what will happen during the weekend," he laughed suddenly, walking proudly like a peacock with his hands in trouser pockets. I drew eyebrows.

"What is supposed to happen?" I asked.

"He'll probably want to hook you up." I almost choked when I heard those words. How... What... Hook me up? We have been together less than a month. He can't take me so fast to his bed. Because he can't, right?

"What?" I finally let out.

"You know..." Jeno shrugged. "He's an adult, he has his own house, he invites you inside this fucking house for a night or two... It was clear to me right from the beginning."

"And how he'll be able to do this if I don't know anything about it, genius?," I sighed heavily. This talk was a complete nonsense. It was probably supposed to distract me from the emotions and it only got worse. I guess I'd rather tell Minhyung what was going on in my life while he was gone than to consider potential sex this weekend.

"Have you been hiding in the jungle for whole your life?" Jeno made big eyes. I gave him a slightly frightened look.

"I was never interested in this..." muttered indistinctly.

"How is that even possible?" asked, wincing. He couldn't understand. I didn't really know how it all was working out. I just had other priorities. In the absence of Minhyung, it was only once that I thought that someone else can take his place in my heart. But he also disappeared. Apparently, there was a strange curse on me.

"I don't know," shrugged. "I was waiting for him to come back" I confessed completely honestly. It was true. If my imagination sent me intimate images, Minhyung was always their hero. I didn't even consider a scenario other than that if I ever let anyone strip me down, it would be Mark. Nobody else. Maybe naive and childish but in my head one hundred percent definitive for now.

"Well, he came back," Jeno replied firmly, as if it was the equivalent of getting into Minhyung's bed. So far I didn't plan anything like that.

"I don't think I'm ready for anything of this kind," I said firmly. "Until now, we even haven't kissed yet," I whispered and Jeno stopped. _Fuck. I knew._

"Seriously?" He asked, looking at me in disbelief.

"Well, I would tell you right away if he kissed me," I sighed heavily.

"He's so slow...," the boy laughed under breath and shook head in amazement. I thought otherwise.

"He can kiss me. Kissing is all right but sex is definitely not what I want from him right now," I said straightaway. Jeno ducked the issue, ignoring my statement. These were probably too serious topics for the two of us. As we were walking in silence, Koeun ran to us. She caught me lightly by hand.

"What are you talking about?" She asked, looking at our calm faces.

"Actually, nothing special..." I started hesitantly but my friend obviously didn't know shit about discretion.

"Mark didn't kiss Donghyuck yet," Jeno suddenly burst out, not even thinking about whether I wished that information to come out beyond us. I sent him a daggering glance.

"Seriously?" She wondered. I rolled eyes.

"Jesus Christ! What's so weird about that?" My aggravation was no joke. Personally, I was pleased that Minhyung doesn't accelerate anything. I didn't want it to be accelerated because I wasn't used to touch of another person on my body. It seemed to me that Mark saw this and therefore didn't make any violent movements. "He just respects me, I don't want to carry it on. And that's it".

"As you think" Jeno replied, still smiling under breath.

♥

I entered school slowly. My mood wasn't the best of the best moods in the world because request for leading a literary class was rejected. Lack of adequate education level in this field seemed like a sufficient argument but the disappointment persisted at a high level even after realising that. I knew it - stopping at a bachelor's degree wouldn't give me a lot in the future but I suspected that I wouldn't have been able to stay in Canda until master's. The head teacher, however, said that from the next semester the English teacher's job will be vacated. I lived in Canada, so the school would only order me a course and the rest of the paperwork would be for a deal. Actually, I didn't see any contraindications. I couldn't sit at home alone for the rest of my life. I would go insane in the end.

The school was deserted. In some places, I was only able to see a few groups of kids. As you can see, not everyone was interested in the November exams in equal measure. However, the examination panic will come anyway. Stress finally comes to everyone who cares a bit about their own future.

When I was thinking over the exams and the whole educational system, at the end of the corridor I saw Donghyuck walking slowly with Jeno and Koeun. The girl didn't look too happy. I could even risk saying that she was pissed off. She waved angrily with hands until finally hit Hyuck with a book in arm. My little devilish boyfriend, in turn, kept laughing, so it was clear to me that poor Koeun had to fall victim to the cruel tease of two maturing boys.

"Taken woman is more attractive! You will see! He will be mine!" She cried, bruising my boo's shoulder.

"Jeno has a bigger chance to hit on him now," Donghyuck said, almost crying with laughter. Everyone was so busy that they didn't even notice me. I didn't mind as long as I could look at Hyuck's smile, which wasn't a common occurrence.

"Haechan, you fucking conehead," Koeun said angrily, crossing hands on the chest - offended.

_...Haechan?_

I stood there calmly on the corridor and decided to wait until they calm down. The distance between us finally subsided and the wounded pride of Koeun stopped the wave of jokes, since ribbing a girl who was already deadly offended didn't make much sense. Donghyuck waved me shyly, smiling gently under breath. I bit lip. 

_Fuck._

I didn't hug him in greeting, nor kissed him on the forehead. We were in school and still we had to bevave like in the one of them. But the urge to touch him in any way was great. I needed him more and more close to me and I felt his absence faster and faster after a reluctant parting.

"Hi," I said simply. It seemed to me that I gave Hyuck the same look as I would have liked us to find in a slightly more secluded place.

"What are you doing here?" He asked curiously. Indeed, he couldn't have expected that we would run into each other on the school corridor. Theoretically I had no reason to be here right now.

"I have a little talk with the head teacher," I explained calmly.

"About...?"

"Job."

"Job?" Koeun asked, interrupting the silence.

"You didn't say anything..." he muttered, not finishing his sentence. Boy's expression looked little bit as if I was making a huge secret out of plans. I sighed heavily, waving irrevocably with hand.

"I forgot about it myself," I said honestly. I really didn't think anything would come out of this. The head teacher's phone in the morning reminded me at all that I draw up a petition like that some time ago. "Are you going somewhere together now?" I asked, looking quickly at all three. After a second however, my eyes focused on Donghyuck again.

"No" denied after a moment of reflection. "We go home," he added immediately, after eye contact with friends like thanks to that he could came to the conclusion that they really have no common plans today.

"Wait for me for a moment in the car," I said, reaching out to him a hand with the car keys. The boy took them from me hesitantly, touching my skin gently. "It won't take long," I assured, smiling subtly.

"Okay," he muttered indistinctly, blushing as I brushed his hair softly, hastily passing by.

♥

Birds have been a symbol of freedom for centuries. Man always wanted to fly, get up and run away from the earthly problems that would disappear in the air. I didn't know if it was true. I doubt it. But once I wanted to try. 

I wanted to be able to forget everything that surrounds me. 

I wanted to be one of those birds that easily jumped into the air and flew away.

They ran into the unknown.

But when I needed to escape, the weight of the problems didn't allow me to lift.

I had to stay here - quite alone, quite defenseless.

I watched the birds carried by the wind. Hypnotized by their lightness and carelessness, I glanced at those black spots that perfectly contrasted with the blue sky. The sun gently warmed up the world, soothingly making me asleep. I leaned back against the car door and closed eyes.

September was just around the corner. The second semester was about to start soon and it struck me how much I didn't want to go back there. Vacation activities were completely different. They came to them - the kids who really wanted to learn, to catch up, to be able to assimilate the knowledge they needed. In summer no one was oppressed, no one was living on anybody. In summer there was no violence at school. This time I was afraid of September. I was afraid of going back to school and what this return would bring.

"And how was the talk?" I asked calmly as the light under my eyelids replaced the shadow and the specific scent of Minhyung perfume reached my nostrils. I opened eyes slowly.

"I think that it turned out... ok," he shrugged. Minhyung slid fingers around the pockets of my sweatshirt and smiled slightly. "From the winter semester I will be teaching first grade; English. The head teacher said that now the second semester is going to be a test and after the results he will see if I get next year's graduation classes."

"Oooo, teacher Mark!" I joked, receiving an abashed look from Minhyung. "Why didn't you say anything before?" I asked, not believing he had just forgotten he had submitted CV.

"I had no idea I was going to make it," admitted finally, leaning against the car just next to me. "I wanted to lead a literary class but the principal said that incomplete studies were definitely not enough. All the more literature in Canada, not in Korea. That didn't make any sense from the start, I was naive" he sighed heavily looking up in the air. I caught him gently by the hand. I sensed that today he mopes in general. I didn't think that such a nostalgia was caused just by rejection of the position of teacher of literature. "Besides... you're about to finish school soon, so we wouldn't be able to get on with each other anyway," he finished quickly, betraying the reason for this. Minhyung unraveled our fingers and circled the car, taking up the driver's seat quickly. I, in turn, was bricked up.

My further education was quite a controversial topic, which was completely not up to me before. For Minhyung, it meant something else and for me it was also something different. Minhyung probably thought I was leaving for studies. Even if he didn't admit it to me, he preferred not to let himself know that I could leave Ansan and go abroad or to the other end of Korea. I didn't have that problem. I knew I wasn't going anywhere. Because Minhyung wasn't aware of many things that were blocking this trip. I haven't told him anything. So far I couldn't tell him a thing...

I got into the car slowly. I pulled sleeves tight on hands and started looking out the window. I hoped that silence would solve everything. It will be hard and stupid for Mark to continue digging up the subject and I won't have to lie to keep the topic away from us. We left in silence from the parking lot. Minhyung slowly stroked his index finger on the steering wheel. I wanted to turn on the radio with all might. Music could help. It would drench even a little of the heavy air between us.

"Right, I'm such a moron..." he murmured in the end. "I didn't even ask you how are preparings for the exams," he said calmly, not even looking at me. He was maximally focused on the road. I shrugged, sending a weak smile. It was hard to explain it all. "What study are you going to choose?" He asked again, giving me a quicker heartbeat. I began to nibble wrists with nails. It hurt. It was supposed to hurt.

"I... I don't know," admitted frankly. I caught my voice shivering slightly.

"What?" He wondered. "You have finals for three months," he said in a tone as if to make me realize it. As if I had forgotten about the final exams. And I didn't forget. I just didn't have to care about it and I had no idea how to pass it on to him.

"Actually..." I started uncertainly after a long moment of silence. "I'm still in the second grade, Minhyung," whispered. I could almost feel boy's wary and confused look.

"But... I don't know. I don't get it... you failed or something?" He asked surprised and clearly psyched. "You've always been damn smart."

"I..." paused for a moment, searching for the right words. I began to rumple sleeves. It surprised me that I was terribly stressed out. This exchange of words stressed me out more than talking to my father, who theoretically was able to starve me of place to live. I was frightened by the prospect that Minhyung might look at me differently. That he might be disappointed by me and somehow condemn me. I knew that the probability of this was very low but the enormous feeling of shame also played a role in all of this. I was just totally ashamed of myself. "I had a year break, you know?" I laughed nervously, dropping gaze.

"Why?"

"Is it important?"

"Of course, it's important. "

Silence.

There was silence between us. I wanted to get away from here. I wished I had some plans after school, that all this not happened to us in a closed space from which it was impossible to escape. I wanted to cry.

"I don't want to talk about it," said simply, turning face to the window.

Minhyung didn't reply.

Finally he turned on the radio.

That meant the end of the conversation.

♥

I watched in silence as Donghyuck had dinner. I was under the impression that this boy was covering a whole lot of secrets. I started to notice it some time ago. Every single day of all this relationship was full of news until it came to me that I didn't know anything about him. As if he was a completely different person.

When we were on a date, he totally turned off. A few days after my return I drove him home and he was somehow disturbingly quiet and thoughtful. The last action with that fucking sweatshirt in itself started to bother me and today's conversation didn't make anything better between us. The cheerful side of Donghyuck's personality didn't seem to be authentic one. Not anymore. In the past the smile didn't go down his face, he kept joking and doing stupid things, constantly flirting with somebody and teasing the older. And that was authentic and real. It was me who was serious and calm. Hyuck lived in a frenzy of continuous fun and bettering the humor of everyone around him.

By all this I was able to see clearly that this is definitely not the same Donghyuck. Something in him has changed significantly, as if boy clearly cracked. He didn't show me those craquelures in the beginning. However, as the time spent together passed, he probably stopped controlling it and new personality started to reveal itself. The disturbance in this whole confusion was that I felt in my heart that it was my fault. That I am responsible for it. That after my departure to Canada something very unpleasant happened here. But I couldn't push. I had to wait patiently until Donghyuck will decide to pull himself out.

"Are you sure you're not hungry?" asked me unexpectedly above the plate. "I haven't seen you eat anything."

"Somehow I have no appetite," muttered indistinctly, looking at meat and potatoes as at a work of art. I couldn't cook and stopping rice from being overcooked continued to be a challenge for me. The smallest success in the field of making dinner always gave me pride. I would rather be a hopeless husband in the gastronomy business.

"Is it how the old age looks like?" Hyuck smirked, making a smile of disbelief on my lips. I sat upright in chair, searching for the right answer to this act of impudence.

"What old age! That's not fair, you little shit. I'm not that old. I'm not much older than you,"I said in a tone as if wanted to convince him. Donghyuck chuckled, aiming at me with the fork.

"All right, grandpa," he laughed. "At least you finally smiled," whispered, returning slowly to dinner.


	10. Unspeakable words

Since the morning it was still raining. In the air there was an omen of a upcoming storm and a wasted weekend that was supposed to be sunny and pleasant according to weather forecasts. After all, I promised myself that I would be positive. Some foolish rain couldn't waste the days for which I had waited so much with the joyful tension in my heart. I tried to stop the traces of fear of expansion and poisoning the remains of positive attitude towards this weekend.

From the driveway through the pouring rain, the horn pierced at me. Mark arrived much earlier than we planned but it didn't change anything. I packed up one night earlier, unable to sleep. I had no idea what we were going to do. That's why it all had such a bitter-sweet taste. The prospect of a weekend with Minhyung was a far better thing than winning a trip to Mallorca. On the other hand I didn't know what Minhyung himself was expecting from this common weekend and I was afraid that I wouldn't be able to say _no_ when it would be necessary. Jeno was right about one thing - Mark was older, he looked at some things much differently then me and slightly dissimilarly approached things that I hadn't thought of until now. I mean... now I was thinking but not in this context of which would be the suspected boy at my age.

When I went downstairs with backpack, mother greeted me in the corridor. She watched in silence as I put shoes and jacket on but I felt she had something to say to me. Something awkward, which will only accelerate already galloping thoughts in my head.

"Just don't do any stupid things, Haechan," she finally said. I hated when she used that name. It was like a plague, like a poison that cannot be taken from the blood.

"Mom..." I sighed heavily, ignoring this slight poke on my nose. "Minhyung is the most responsible person I know."

"I know, son, but I'm a bit worried... When the father will find out about it, he'ill kill both of us."

"Don't worry, mom," I said, as positive as never before. I kissed her gently on the cheek and ran out of the house to the rain. I felt like a love-struck teenager who goes on her first date with new-known boyfriend. But that was the way it was. That was true - I was in love. I was hopelessly in love but I didn't think I would ever say it loudly and openly.

"You bring rain," Minhyung said instead of greeting, looking at me with a slight smile.

"But it's a good rain, I hope," I said, throwing backpack at the backseat. The boy laughed.

"The best" he admitted, gently wiping drops of water from my cheek. When our eyes met, my heart began to beat five times faster. "Hi, baby" he finally said, kissing me gently on the forehead.

"Hi," I replied softly, dying for a second as Minhyung's thumb subtly ran down my lower lip. The boy just grunted discreetly when saw my surprised look and sighed quietly, leaving the driveway. "Well, let's go," said quietly, turning on the radio.

♥

Western.

The worst kind of movie ever made. I didn't know how it occured to be the only movie that was currently on television. Today's channels were overloaded with soap operas, dramas I didn't know or the nature programes and theatre arts.

Tragedy.

"I don't want to tell you anything but it's damn boring," Donghyuck finally said, after bravely managing to hold the film for long forty minutes, not squirming in my shoulders even once. I looked at him with a sigh.

"I'm sorry," muttered under breath. "I didn't suspect that this weekend would be cursed by such a weather." Donghyuck said nothing to me. He went back to tracking the painful rede of the on-screen story.

I was angry at myself. It wasn't supposed to go that way. I wanted to spend time with Hyuck in some interesting, more productive and amusing way. Sure, it would be great to watch the film together, to lie down on the couch, cuddle up or something. But I couldn't disaffirm the fact that this western today wasn't even bearable to watch, eyes were sticking themselves and any atmosphere effectively was sitting down. I invited the boy apparently just to lull him to sleep.

"If you had some cool products, we could cook something. You know, bake a cake or any other stuff." Donghyuck finally offered after fifteen more minutes of watching senseless shooting in the mountains.

"Cake?" I asked stupidly, looking at the boy from above. He leaned chin on my shoulder and looked really captivating. I didn't know how to put all this in my head. Donghyuck's closeness took me all the ability to formulate logical conclusions.

"Mhm," he nodded, closing eyes for a moment longer to emphasize this thought.

"All in all... as if... you know..." I whispered indistinctly and Donghyuck started to laugh. He sat down cross-legged next to me.

"I don't know. Tell me," he answered, raising an eyebrow.

"I can't cook," admitted embarrassed. "Like... totally. At all, at all. "

"It doesn't matter as long as I can," he said, apparently not noticing in my infirmity anything utterly disgraceful. "You can be an assistant," he suggested, getting up slowly from the couch.

"Okay," I sighed, following him into the kitchen. "We have to see if I have everything you need here." But before I could do anything, Hyuck was already holding a cake mold under arm and took out some funny things I didn't even know existed in this house. Donghyuck sometimes does shopping or we do it together. Then I'm realising that people are really able to show off their talents in the kitchen. When the brunet was cooking for me, it came to me that the dinner did not always have to consist of salad, rice and some poorly cooked meat. I was fascinated by what this kid sometimes did with seemingly unattractive and shitty products.

"Where are you having a flour?" He asked suddenly and I had to wonder if there was ever a flour in this house.

"I don't think I have any," I said a bit murmured, with the thought that he would rather know it better.

"Oh... then we won't bake anything," he said, sending me a helpless look. I shrug slightly, leaning butt against the table. I swear I really wasn't able to add anything to this topic. I was stupid. Donghyuck bit lower lip as if looking for another solution to what we could do in such a weather. He walked slowly to the fridge and carefully examined its content. I walked up to him and put arms around from behind.

I wanted to get rid of those obsessive thoughts that haunted me recently and didn't give me peace. I put mouth behind Donghyuck's head and closed eyes, wondering how to deal with all of it. It would be the easiest way - to just hook him up. I would do it with pleasure but life wasn't that easy. I had to pull myself together, to restrain that lust. Donghyuck wasn't one-night stand as it used to be in Canada. So I did my best to stop myself. The offer to spend the weekend togehter was misguided shot in the knee on my part because from day to day it was harder and harder for me to withstand the closeness of the boy. I doubted that Donghyuck ever kissed at all, so compared to all the transient relationships I had over myself, starting deeper relationship with Hyuck would last forever. Fortunately, I was a very patient man. Who knows how this weekend would end if I inherited my father's temperament. Fortunately, there was more of my mother in me.

I breathed in slowly the smell of Donghyuck, closing eyes slightly. He smelled sweet but not unduly. I was pleased to hold him in my arms but I didn't think that in the long run it was good for me. At least the man down here was thinking so.

"We'll make the unbaked cheesecake with a jelly topping," Hyuck said suddenly, reaching for something in the fridge. This sudden resolution pulled me out of a pleasant thoughts. "Hold it," he added after a moment, giving me some yogurt.

"If you say so," I muttered under breath, feeling uncomfortable with the heat of his body so suddenly and unexpectedly breaking away from my chest. "Just give me a moment, I'll jump quickly to the toilet, ok?" I grunted uncertainly.

"Sure" Donghyuck replied quite cheerfully. Whenever he entered the kitchen with the intention of cooking, he had that joyful tone. As if this was what makes him really happy. But now I had to deal with a slightly different kind of happiness, so I quickly escaped from the kitchen, closing in the bathroom. I fell back against the door, staring at the ceiling.

_Have a boyfriend and go on manual. What happened to you, Mark Lee?_ , I thought, removing the belt from my pants.

If Johnny found out, he wouldn't have given me peace of jokes for the rest of my life.

♥

"The winters are pretty cold there but beautiful," Minhyung said, using thumb to make circles on my thigh. Behind the window was a powerful storm. Every once in a while the dark curtains were illumianted with the lightning bolt and from the distance one could hear the single thunder. We had to disconnect all the equipment from the contacts and start relying on the weak candle lights. "When you drive by car at night between frozen trees, you feel like you're passing through an ice cave. In addition, these lakes... " he sighed dreamily. "You would fall in love with this landscape," he assured. "The vast river valleys that look like a fragment of an enchanted land in autumn. Beautiful mountains whose peaks seem to be out of reach... " he finished in a whisper.

We were lying in the living room on the couch in sleepwear for a long time now. We couldn't do anything productive, so we were just talking, which wasn't that bad at all. Rarely did we just talk in that way - simply sit in front of each other, give some theme and just talk. We've always done something during talking. Was it cooking, cleaning, refitting or even a car ride - it was never like today. We never lay quietly in our embrace, covered with a blanket, sleepy but still anxious for a quiet chat. I appreciated the present moment because it was beautiful in its own way. It showed us that we didn't have to hurry or do anything additional to be able to communicate normally.

"Sounds like a place where you want to spend your whole life..." I admitted with a slight stab of jealousy in my heart. I wanted to find something like that, which I could talk about with equal eagerness as Minhyung about the country where he spent the last five years.

"Yes, Canada is just acting like that on people," whispered, playing with my fingers. There was a long silence between us. It was so warm and cosy here with Minhyung that I could never make a move again. We could just stay together in this house, live peacefully under one roof, somehow live together day by day. I didn't know if my imagination sometimes sent me too idealized images. I couldn't predict how it would be in a week, a month or a year. The vision of our relationship could be quite different for me and different for Minhyung. I should not get used to anything. It could be destructive.

"Would you like to go back there?" I asked quietly but my whole interior was filled with an unpleasant chill of anxiety. It was just my head again. The part of the brain that knew the "yes" answer was nothing wrong and meant nothing was arguing with the part of the brain that told to run away until it wasn't too late, until the destruction of the attachment wasn't still fatal.

"I wish..." the boy replied thoughtfully. "Even a lot," admitted sincerely. "But even the most beautiful landscape is for nothing when you look at it alone," added after a moment, making a gentle kiss just above my right ear. I smiled slightly, trying to kill the fear of loneliness after tasting being by someone else's side even for such a short time as in our case. Maybe that wasn't much at the moment. What we shared. But Minhyung's arms weren't just pressing me to each other physically. Those imaginary, mental arms of the boy in my head brought us even closer together. I was drowned in the desire to become one for just a moment. "Donghyuck..." he whispered after a long moment of silence.

"Hm?" I muttered as Minhyung's mouth didn't drop anything more.

"Nothing..." he sighed softly. I was curious what was on his mind now. What were the words boy wanted to say but he found inappropriate. However, I wasn't a hypocrite. I tried not to be. So I accepted that answer in silence. "I'm glad we spend the weekend together," he stated vicariously.

"Me too" I smiled in response, almost immediately yawning.

"Are you sleepy?"

"A little" I admitted sincerely. In fact, I barely kept my eyes open.

"Are we going upstairs?"

"Mhm," I muttered indistinctly, sitting on the couch.

Minhyung chuckled softly as approached the table. He blew off all the candles and suddenly it became very dark and the smell of smoke rose in the air. After a moment I felt Minhyung's hand tighten on mine, so I got up cautiously, giving myself a lead up the stairs. We barely reached the first floor and I have already stumbled across the stairs several times. Mark joked that he would have to take me in his arms, otherwise I would kill myself before we got to the attic. I didn't take this as a bad proposition.

When we entered the bedroom, one thing came to my mind that was somehow omitted by my brain earlier. We will sleep together. Like all night, in one bed. I didn't understand how I haven't wondered about this before. It was so fucking logical...

"Which side do you prefer?" The boy joked, not quite aware of what was going on in my head. And so much was happening there that I probably lost access to it myself and, for the sake of safety, my brain disconnected me from the stream of consciousness responsible for thinking too deeply.

"Right?" I asked uncertainly.

"That's great because I'm sleeping on the left usually and giving you my own half would be heartbreaking experience, as if you'd prefer to sleep differently," he said jokingly. I didn't answer. Instead, I walked slowly on the mattress and walked on all fours to the other side of the bed. I yawned discreetly once more, covering to neck with a duvet. Behind the windows there were still unpleasant flashes. "Can I hug you or will you take it as a rape trial?" He asked uncertainly and I couldn't stop myself from laughing. I turned over to the other side and clung slowly to the boy. The uncertainty in his voice gave me courage. It reminded me of the boy's words that when it comes to romanticism or serious relationships, we are both inept at this topic equally. "Sweet dreams," he whispered.

"Mhm," I muttered dimly, almost falling asleep right away.

♥

I woke up in the morning from a terrible heat. Broiling weather caused breathing in the bedroom almost impossible. I was afraid that these temperature fluctuations would kill me someday.

I sat slowly on the edge of bed, glancing at watch. It was ten o'clock. I sighed heavily, taking off the sweatshirt right away. I felt like I was stewing. I hated summer and high temperatures. Late autumn and spring, however, were the most favorable in climate for me.

I looked at Donghyuck who lay a bit further on stomach and slept like a dead man. Boy was already completely exposed, showing me a piece of tanned back. The boy's hair was scattered all over the pillow and the face exceptionally calm. If I had to pay a price for watching him every morning this way, I would definitely give everything I have. Hyuck was asleep in his sweatshirt as usual and I claimed that I didn't care if he was still cold or some other nonsense. Such body warming was not healthy even for extremely warm-blooded beings. In the case of man, ninety percent would lead to the common cold. I didn't want him to get sick from staying with me. His mother would stop looking at me in bright colors, if she ever had a good opinion of me. I grasped gently at the edge of Donghyuck's sweatshirt and began to lift it gingerly to keep him sleeping.

"It's some kind of joke," I whispered in disbelief when I saw that under his sweatshirt was still another blouse. He was seriously some kind of sharply touched man at the heat because it was already abnormal. Carefully dragged the sweatshirt over his head, biting lips tightly. I didn't want to wake him up. Pretty late we went to sleep. I was relieved when my mission was successful. I put the sweatshirt on pillow and Donghyuck turned to my side. I smiled under breath.

Sweet kid.

I couldn't resist the temptation and lightly touched his cheek, pulling hair away from boy's eyes. Brunet grimaced, catching me by hand. I lifted the corners of mouth gently but it quickly fell down again. I noticed Donghyuck's hands and I regretted this decision to undress him right away. Both had slashes - pink on the inside, long about ten centimeters, thick and surrounded by hundreds of tiny, pearly scars forming a net. With Donghyuck's dark complexion it would be hard not to notice them. I looked at it in disbelief, not quite knowing whether I was right, whether I wanted to see it at all because it looked really awful.

"Fuck," whispered, touching it gently. I shook head but wasn't able to do anything about it. Wounds were thick and disgustingly smooth, certainly healed long time ago. I could wonder where it came from. I could have fooled myself that it was probably an accident or a series of unhappy events. But it looked so ugly that I knew perfectly well what these scars caused. The bigger unknown was what pushed Donghyuck to do it.

♥

When I woke up, it was a few minutes after noon. I felt like I was sweating all the way and the terrible heat crushed lungs painfully with every smallest breath. I looked slowly out the window. Despite the fact that the sun was unpalatable today, I had to admit that I hadn't slept so well for a long time. Only this bloody sweatshirt made me feel like on the verge of overheating.

Minhyung was no longer with me. From below, the silent sound of the radio reached me, telling that I should probably seek him there. I was glad that the boy didn't come to some foolish idea of undressing me. This weekend has been too pleasant to destroy it with unnecessary quarrels or miserable excusing. None of us needed it.

Using Mark's absence in the room, I quickly pulled off my sweatshirt. I barely glanced at all those slashes and scars and I couldn't help but grimace. Fiendish ghost of the past. I started looking for a long sleeve shirt in my bag.

"Much better," whispered to myself, making sure that I covered everything completely.

I walked out of the bedroom slowly and ran down the stairs. The strange, childlike joy that I am about to see a boy effectively suppressed the risk of falling and breaking head. Minhyung was in the kitchen, as I suspected. From what I've seen, he tried to make breakfast. On the countertop and floor were torn plastic bags and the chopping board full of grunge. A charming view. I walked slowly to the boy and gently hugged him.

"Hi, sleepyhead" he greeted.

"Hi" I muttered with a smile, wrinkling nose slightly. I felt a great start to the day in the air.

"We have a nice weather today," said with a smile.

"And what are we going to do?" I asked curiously.

"You'll see."

♥

"I thought I was going to see you at school every day and in the corridor we'd seen each other like two or three times in the past two weeks," I muttered thoughtfully, looking at the stars.

I never considered myself as a romantic. There was no one worth to try to beand so on. But I had to praise myself for the feeling of the moment. We lay with Donghyuck on the blanket on the lake shore. It was cool but at the same time very pleasant. The last September days seemed to chase us mercilessly, offering the last warmth moments this year. It would be a sin not to take advantage of it.

"I was thinking about it too," the boy said softly, clinging harder to me. We built a bonfire but apparently it wasn't enough. Or maybe he just wanted a hug? He's always been very affectionate and looking for physical contact, so maybe that trait hasn't changed. I hoped so. "Funny, right?" He asked in a whisper. In general brunet became more quiet today. I had no idea whether it was due to the fact that he wanted to sleep, or maybe for other reasons. Until he glimpsed me gracefully and didn't reject, I didn't feel bad about it. Besides, today's evening was conducive to the deep thoughts of life.

"A little" I admitted. "But you know, that when in March a new school year will start and I'll do good, you most likely will have English with me?" Donghyuck gave me a curious look. He rose slowly from the ground and looked up at me from above. I chose to ignore the fact that I still had no idea why he was up to a year behind school. I decided to build a strong enough foundation for our relationship so that I could then confront boy with my questions without risking him just to leave me.

"Will you give me a head start or will you exert your cruelty on me?" Hyuck asked with a defiant smile on lips. I also sat down.

"I don't know yet," shrugged, pulling away the long strands of hair from his forehead. Donghyuck laughed and looked down at our touching knees. I also smiled. Because I knew it was the right moment. I touched the boy's chin gently with index finger and lifted it up. Hyuck looked at me as if wanted to discover my next move. I was so obvious. How could he have guessed nothing? Too innocent? I wasn't so sure about it. I smiled at him lazily, putting thumb on his chin. "Look, the sky is so breathtaking today," I whispered without interrupting our visual contact. Donghyuck, after a moment of hesitation, focused gaze on the sky, his lips slightly inclining. The view above was really beautiful but there was something much more beautiful in front of me. I laughed under breath.

I was really happy now.

I leaned forward slowly, killing the gap between our lips. It was just an innocent kiss that literally took a second. Donghyuck looked at me first with astonishment and then a small spark of satisfaction appeared in his eyes. Our noses were still touching and our mouths were divided by millimeters. I could feel Hyuck's warm breath on lips and I was giving him back the same warmth. The boy rested hands on my thighs.

"Forgive me, I couldn't help it" whispered without any regret. Only god knows how many times I've thought about it before. How many times have I tried to grab his face and just pull him to me.

"I see..." muttered softly, raising an eyebrow. I laughed silently and leaned over him again, this time for a longer and much more intense time. I pushed hard on Donghyuck's lips, which the boy opened without thinking, letting me in. It looked like it wasn't his first kiss. I decided until now, however, not to think about it at all. I still had time to ask him. This kiss gave me hope I had much more than before.

I took Hyuck's cheeks in both hands and smiled, noting that boy's fingers tangled in my hair. One of his hands stroked around the nape for a moment, finally sliding down to rest straight against my beating like crazy heart. It struck with such force for the first time in my life, which only increased the joy of the memorable moment that we were creating together. Finally, I pulled him closer and when brunet sat on my knees astride, grabbed him tight by the hips.

Hyuck's lips tasted good; they tasted sweet and springy. They tasted like I always imagined them to taste. When I pushed harder, the boy quietly moaned, bringing me almost to the brink of endurance. These were new sounds and new sensations for both of us. We were just getting to know our bodies timidly and delicately testing the boundaries, some of which were just emerging and the existing ones were changing their position. Finally, I had to brake anyway because I forgot how to bretahe and lost it completely.

I chewed slowly Hyuck's lower lip, slowing down the pace that we imposed at the beginning. We kissed for a long time, though not hurriedly, by sharing single pecks, blushes, and occasional groans. Our tongues danced with each other in perfect harmony, which I have never dreamed of. I smiled gently as I felt Donghyuck's slender fingers tighten on my trouser belt and his thumb gently irritated my back. It wasn't wild or dirty. Everything the boy did was just soft and shy. I knew this wasn't an invitation to the next stage, so I kept my thoughts from this subject area on a leash. I just wanted to tell him that I'm his and I'm not going anywhere. He could hold me for that belt until the end of our days, if he still didn't trust me enough to believe it. After all, subconsciously, I felt that this was all about it. About this boundless fear of being abandoned again.

I wanted to tell him how much I love him.

That I've traveled thousands of kilometers just to be able to simply look at him.

That our lives are interconnected by fate.

That I don't want to let him out of my arms anymore.

That he would be mine to the end.

That he would agree to plan the future with me.

That he would trust me and give his fragile heart to the care of someone as hopelessly in love with him as I am.

Let him not be afraid because I won't run away.

At the moment I thought the world of him. I was afraid, however, that such sudden exuberance might scare Donghyuck. I've already noticed that talking about feelings is not easy for brunet. I wouldn't feel good with the thought that words _I love you_ would embarrass him.

At one point, Donghyuck broke kiss and looked me straight in the eye. Our mouths were still in contact but nothing more.

"Minhyung..." he whispered suddenly after a long moment of silence. His lips gently rubbed against mine when he spoke my name.

"Hm?" I muttered, nuzzling his nose lightly. The boy hesitated for a moment. He closed eyes, taking in the air.

"Never dare to leave me again."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> One of chapters that is probably loved the most by me in this story...
> 
> What you think by now?
> 
> ♥


	11. Perverse fate

We were certainly thirsty for each other. I didn't know where it all came from and how is it even possible that I have lost in it so quickly and completely. This relationship has become air for me, a refuge. I couldn't imagine myself living without him now. I felt as if I had found a missing piece of myself. An element that was lost somewhere along the way of life and didn't allow to fully enjoy it. Every day with the thought that Minhyung can leave me, belonged to the worst one.

I felt my boyfriend's lips on my own and I already knew it was addictive. The magic of our fitting together was indescribable. The way he smiled between kisses led me to madness. I loved him to death absolutely and I was aware that this wasn't the best thing for me. No extreme feelings are good. But I couldn't do anything about it. I gave every kiss as fervently as if it were the last.

Mark's hands gently grazed my thighs higher and higher, crossing the boundaries they hadn't previously violated. The boy's touch was warm and soothing but at times it was causing concern for me. I was afraid of the moment when Minhyung will write that all the things that I'm giving him right now are not enough. When Minhyung will think that it's too little and he wants more and I won't be ready to give it to him. So what will be next then? We have not talked about sex ever since we started dating. I left it up completely to Mark's instinct and his ability to read my body's speech. Not even once did I give him the signal that I want to transfer this relationship to a higher level. But when the boy's hands slid gently under my shirt, I panicked. My body went through a cold chill of terror. I broke the kiss and grabbed the boy by the wrists. I didn't look in his eyes.

"What's wrong?" he asked softly, pulling a lost wisp from my forehead. The boy smiled calmly as he watched me closely. It seemed to me that he was perfectly aware of what I had done and why. Despite everything, apparently wanted to hear it from my lips and teach me to speak openly about everything that I considered taboo so far.

"Nothing," I whispered, looking through the car window into the field. The grass slowly turned yellow, bringing the autumn landscape into our daily routine. The shrubs bent toward the ground and the flowers closed and faded. The world was slowly falling asleep. We have just entered a new season together.

"Donghyuck..." he murmured like to the child, who hides a huge mystery. Like a parent who wants to mutter this statement that whatever the child does, he loves him infinitely. It convinced me.

"You know that if you want something more now... I... I don't want it for the time being" I started timidly, ending my sentence with great effort accompanied by embarrassment. I hoped that he would sketch in the rest of my thought by himself. He just seduced a rather shy person, so had to deal with it somehow. I was the first to joke but when it came to intimate relationships, I stood at the very end of the line, hoping that my turn for a serious conversation would never come.

"I know," he said almost immediately without any hesitation. "I can see it, calm down," he smiled cheerfully, patting me comfortingly in thigh.

"I'm sorry," sighed heavily, leaning forward. I hid face in the hollow of Minhyung's neck, sliding hands slightly between the driver's seat and the lower part of his back.

"Why are you apologizing to me for such a thing?" he wondered. "After all, we're in no hurry," assured calmly, hugging me tight. I felt Minhyung's mouth on my shoulder.

"I have the impression that I... somehow keep you back," I muttered timidly.

"You're not keeping me back, baby," he denied. "It is good the way it is now."

"I see you want to go further. That's why I feel foolish for not being ready," I said straight from the schoulder. Since we have entered the subject anyway, it was pointless to pretend that it did not exist. There were days when lust was very evident in Minhyung's eyes. He didn't do anything overwhelming or offensive but when the mood caught him, the dynamics of our relationship and the air around us were just different. I couldn't even fully describe it because it was the first time in my life that I experienced something similar. However, I felt it. I felt it was his dream to take our relationship to the next level, although in life he wouldn't say it out loud.

"Well, I wasn't brought up by a monks but I can wait. You don't have to worry about it at all," whispered. I leaned back a little to look at him doubtfully. "Donghyuck... my the sweetest sweetheart..." laughed as if made the best joke of the year. He grabbed me slowly by the palms, thumbs making small circles inside them. "We'll go on if and only if when you think you're ready, you understand? It is not up to me, not up to your mother or the headteacher of our school but it's up only to you. I don't encourage you to anything and I don't want you to feel any pressure from me, okay? " asked, looking me straight in the eye. I returned the look, nodding slowly.

"Okay," I said simply, acknowledging the topic was over. Minhyung smiled.

"But it doesn't mean I don't want to hit on you because it's quite another matter," shook head, as if it was a separate topic for another essay. I sighed heavily, rolling eyes.

"Well, honestly, you didn't have to say it aloud," I said, descending from his knees. I fell heavily on the passenger seat. Minhyung was the master of killing a corny, serious moment with some stupid and inadequate comment.

"Look, kitty, it's probably good that you turn me on..." he started cautiously but with that street-smart smile that betrayed me that the boy just wanted to shame me.

"Stop it now," I interrupted, shutting eyes. I leaned elbow on the window and put hand to forehead. I just wanted him to shut up, really. I felt the boy's hand slowly resting on my thigh.

"Think about what brilliant will be your first time, if I wait that long for you," he said suddenly something that was embarrassing me even more. I sent him a murderous look, in response to which he began to laugh. I sometimes wondered which one of us really is four years older.

"Fuck... Minhyung, take a ride, seriously. Because we'll be late for school," I muttered angrily. I hated when he was doing some stupid theater form a matters that I was considering as very serious. For him maybe sex was not so important but for me it was. I didn't want to say it aloud because I didn't want to argue anymore.

"Some three seconds ago you didn't complain on time," he noted gaily, but still in a good mood.

"Minhyung..." I sighed heavily, obviously implying him that it would not be best for him if he continued to lead the conversation in this way.

"I'm kidding, honey," he said calmly, patting me with fingers gently on the inside of thigh. "I'm just kidding," he whispered after a moment, firing the engine of the car.

And that was Lee Minhyung after less than four months of dating - pissing to the limit.

♥

We walked slowly down the empty corridor toward the library. Donghyuck had something to borrow or donate. I didn't know exactly. Still, lessons continued and the entire building was plunged into a quiet aura of intensive learning.

"I told you we would make it," I muttered under breath. "Even the break is not yet there."

"I know but when you're driving, you talk a lot less," Donghyuck said calmly, looking ahead.

"My heart..." I whispered in pain, putting hand in place of potential injury. We went further in silence. At school we rarely talked to each other. Usually we simply passed without a word. This trip to the library was not the most reasonable move today but without it we spent rather little time together anyways. One walk through the school corridor would not be able to harm us in any way. "And do you count blowing as a sex?" I thought aloud. I didn't want to be nasty this time. It really puzzled me. Donghyuck stood still, sighing heavily. He looked at me with fatigue and disbelief at the same time.

"Are you out of your mind today with this boning, fucking pervert?" he asked with a delicate smile lurking somewhere in the corners of mouth. After all, I saw that he was a little bit amused. Man is not able to change one hundred percent. There will always be a bit of old disposition in him. Hyuck was a devil from an early age. Nobody will tell me that this part of the sweet sinner has magically evaporated.

"I don't know..." I shrugged. "Somehow today you act on me more than usual," I admitted sincerely. It really was true. I couldn't explain it to myself but sometimes there were times when I wanted Hyuck closer to me than usual. I wanted to spend the whole day with him, sitting on the couch under the blanket, watching some dumb serial or fairy tale. Just too seldom I had him just for myself. It was a little tiring at times. I didn't wait so many years to have to release him for the evening. The partings were extremely hard for me because after them I was left completely alone. Donghyuck was coming home to his family and I only could fall asleep in company of darkness and silence.

"You'll go beyond the mark even a little bit more and I'll give you a ban on touching me in any way" he whispered as we stood at the library. I smiled under breath, opening the door for him.

"Princess..." I muttered, slightly hissing. Donghyuck laughed silently, shaking head sideways, then we both went inside.

I had really good humor today. I got up and was full of energy. When I went down, Hyuck was already in the kitchen waiting for me. I dreamed that there would be some other, more benefits from fact of Donghyuck having a key to my house than a mere coming over from time to time. I was afraid, however, that the proposal for him to move in was not the best thing to do now. It was probably a little too early. Like for many other things. My desires didn't always mean something was right. Too bold proposals could scare him or discourage from our whole relationship, so I preferred not to risk it.

"Good morning," I greeted happily with the librarian.

"Good morning, Mr. Lee," she said cheerfully and Donghyuck rolled eyes. I laughed under breath as the boy passed me by, leaving behind with an older woman. I was rolling with the local teachers somehow. Even if I wasn't interested in them in any way, the feeling that accompanied this interest was very pleasant. Hyuck was usually just embarrassed and hurried away. He couldn't bear to see me having intimate chats with other school staff. I kind of understood it. Students and teachers were two separate groups that did not interact on a private level. If I sympathized with my professional group, theoretically I shouldn't get involved in relationship with Hyuck.

"How are you doing today?" I asked, leaning sideways on a bookcase standing right at her desk.

"Very well, it's really lovely weather," said, not quite aware of what she was telling. How nice weather could enjoy while sitting at work? It always depressed me. Last sunny days of this year were on school days and the weekends were full of heavy rain. Very rarely did I go out with Donghyuck. As if destiny spoke for itself and kept people from spending time outdoors together.

"Ideal for assorting with literature," I said when leaving, running quickly between the library shelves.

I found Donghyuck almost at the very end of the room in a small corner with foreign literature. He was walking slowly over the ruined back of the books that had been there for ages. European or American books didn't enjoy much popularity in these regions, so I wasn't surprised that the printing was never increased and the copies were not exchanged for decades.

"What are you looking for?" I asked, looking at the stuffed shelves.

"Wuthering Heights," he said quietly, not even looking at me. I wanted to point out to him that the novels should be searched for names and that it is easier then but after a second it got to me why it takes so long. Books were not alphabetically sorted. This mess made it impossible for a quick fix.

"For classes?" I muttered, standing behind Hyuck.

"Mhm, for English," he whispered, staring down at the lower shelf as I saw the selected copy at the top. I laughed triumphantly, standing on my toes and reaching for the book. I ran fingers over the cover slowly, remembering all its storyline.

"Beautiful novel" I sighed dreamily.

"Did you read?" Donghyuck asked in surprise, rising from knees. He clamped knee slowly down from the library dust.

"I had to, after all, I studied literature," I said amused, throwing the book several times in my hand.

"Oh yes," he stated, stepping closer. "And what's the plot?" asked as I handed him the _Wuthering Heights_. When he wanted to take it, I held it tighter and looked deeply into his eyes.

"About the tragic but beautiful and absolute love of two people entangled in the game of perverse fate," I whispered, significantly reducing the distance between our lips. Donghyuck, however, kept stone face.

"You made it up," he simply stated, killing all the romanticism that I was trying to put into this brief review. I sighed heavily while letting go of the book.

"No, this time I'm telling the truth," I assured briefly, putting hands in trouser pockets. "You should like it," I shrugged. "A book so boring that truly fascinating."

"You have a somewhat strange definition of fascination," he laughed, shaking head in disbelief. I smiled under breath, enjoying the moment and the boy's amusement. It was not quite as common sight as one might suspect. I leaned over Donghyuck again, touching his cheek gently. Our faces were millimeters apart. I loved these intimate moments, even if they were short-lived. Small space, mixing breaths, perceptible warmth of the other body. The pure magic of the moment that nothing could replace.

"That's why I cannot even step away from you," I whispered, wanting to sound cute and romantic.

"You suggest I'm boring?" Hyuck asked, frowning. As usual, he read everything wrong.

"No," I chuckled, hitting his nose with mine. "I suggest you are fascinating," I muttered, linking our lips. Donghyuck quickly returned the kiss but it didn't take long. He stepped away from me shortly afterwards with a rather unhappy face.

"We're at school, Mark. Don't do this ever again" he reminded me of common sense, wiping mouth with the sleeve of the sweatshirt.

"You turned to me by another name, wow," I joked to relax the atmosphere.

"When you piss me off, I'll treat it as your annoying and kinky alter ego," he smiled venomously, evasively. I laughed as quietly as I could and grabbed him by the elbow. I just wanted him to hear one more embarrassing thing today. I thought it was the right time.

"You know what?" I muttered seductively to set the mood for the rest of the speech.

"What?" asked hesitantly, his eyes widening. He looked cute and innocent.

"I love you, Hyuckie," I said sweetly, causing a blush on boy's face. Donghyuck looked down and turned back to me.

"Just let's go already," he said under breath, moving forward with the book under armpit.

I followed him with a smile on face. I didn't mind that Hyuck never confessed to me in any way. As long as I knew these feelings were in his heart, I thought about it calmly. We have gone through a lot in life, both when we shared it in childhood and when we struggled with it on different continents. We grew up modifying our characters a bit. We emotionally presented various levels of openness and readiness to communicate certain matters. And that was okay. At least I was aware that when these three words finally leave his mouth, it will really mean a lot.

♥

One thing was certain - I had to admit Minhyung was right. The book was so damn dull that at some point it started pulling me and fascinated. The first time I experienced something like that. When I don't like something, I just put it aside. When a novel completely absorbs me, I swallow it one evening. With _Wuthering Heights_ it was completely different. Nothing was going here at all. The language of the book was quite accessible but at times it was unintelligible to me. The plot was based on some deeper story but right from the beginning I could roughly predict the probable root of the family's problems. That is why I would like to say that reading in itself is boring but I wasn't able to. Something in it fascinated me immeasurably and drew between rows.

On the History I entered the spirit of my reading so much that Jeno had to get me out of trance. It turned out that the bell was ringing and I somehow didn't record the sound, which I always was expecting. Now I was walking quietly down the corridor, ignoring the scurrying kids.

I cannot say exactly whether this was what provoked everything that happened later or if it would have happened anyway. I knew, however, that when the book was torn from my hands and thrown to the opposite wall, the probability that I would follow its fate was relatively high. On the floor I saw the bovver boots standing in front of me and immediately began to wonder what I did wrong in my life. I didn't want to live that way. I looked up slowly to see well-known, boyish face destroyed by an eternal grimace of life's unhappiness and cigarettes.

Haru.

I swallowed, making eye contact with him. I haven't seen him since the start of the year. I hoped that he finally gave up education and went his own way. That's what I just dreamed for. I am here and he is somewhere in a completely different place. I felt panic rising in me. People started to form around us in circle so well known to me already. I had the impression that I would start hyperventilating right away. I wasn't looking for help anywhere, I didn't call it, I didn't run. It didn't make sense. The psychologist once told me that for years I had developed the mentality of the victim and learned to be helpless. I didn't know if that was true but I think I should believe her. I was about to fight it but I could not. Surrendering was always more acute and it did the matter quickly. Resisting what was going to happen anyway only lengthened the entire process of humiliation and suffering. I didn't need it.

"Long time no see, shitty," Haru hissed hostilely, then gave me a first punch and I landed on the ground.

♥

Memories seized me absolutely. I wanted to remind myself of the old days, the studies, those fantastic people and the born teachers spirited by art that inspired me. That's why I went to a teacher's library and checked my copy of _Wuthering Heights_ out in English. I missed using it every day. In Korea, it was difficult to communicate in English even in the capital so I could dream about it especially in Ansan. Talking to my family or Johnny was a rather poor linguistic rescue for me.

I got my class, which I have to look after, take care of its cleanliness, appoint duty on the kids who have it according to their timetable. For some it might seem like a problem but for me it was salvation. Thanks to that, I rarely stayed in the teacher's room and for long breaks I could spend time quietly in the closed class. I smiled under breath when I read favorite part. My silent humming, however, was disturbed by the loud door slam, where a breathless student appeared. I sighed hard, breaking away from reading. Before I could ask anything, the boy interrupted me.

"Professor Lee, there is a fight at the end of the corridor," he shouted, picking me up from the chair. I dropped the book on the counter and ran after the student who led me to the wall made of the kids who were shouting and selling a wolf tickets. Above the heads I saw Mr. Moon, who was holding a boy with blue hair fumbling with him. I would swear blind I first saw him in this school; and someone with such a characteristic haircut was hard to overlook.

"Get up!" the boy screamed, still shaking. "Haechan, you bastard! Too bad you just didn't die then! "

When I broke through the last pupils, the smeared on the floor blood welcomed me. I looked at Mr. Moon, who just nodded toward the boy lying on the ground. I quickly turned to look at him, immediately lurching. Suddenly I felt how weak I was. My hands began to shake and I couldn't control them.

"Donghyuck," I whispered, hurrying quickly to the boy. I grabbed his arm and lightly shook. I brushed Hyuck's hair off face, repeating his name on and on. Literally for a second he made eye contact with me and later eyes fled to the back of head. "Fuck," I swore, swiftly taking his hand. I got up as fast as I could and headed for the nurse's office. The students parted like the sea in the Scriptures, making us the necessary passage. "Donghyuck!" I shouted, wanting to wake him somehow. "Donghyuck!" I tried again when I didn't get any response. There was a murmuring noise between boy's lips and a grimace of pain appeared on it. "Don't even dare to faint, kid," I asked weakly, though I wasn't even sure if my words were coming to him.

I stepped aggressively into the nurse's office without knocking and wondered if someone would be there naked in the annual balance sheet. Mrs. Choi, however, quietly drank coffee, completely unaware of what had happened on the school corridor.

"Good God," she said, when I slowly put Donghyuck on the couch. The boy moaned loudly, clenching jaw and grabbing hold of stomach.

"There was a fight in the corridor and..." I began to say quickly what had happened, though I was so shocked that I didn't even know if anything would help. The nurse, however, had a slightly less drowned mind and very quickly shoved me away.

"May you step back," she ordered and before I could react anyhow, the woman was already wearing gloves and dug syringe into Donghyuck's thigh. "It will stop the ache, darling," she whispered faintly, stroking him slowly over head. "Hardly a school year has begun and you are here again, hm?" she asked rhetorically, crouching by the bed. I, in turn, continued to stand stupefy beacause of the urgency of all these events. I couldn't function normally in such stress and unpredictability. Only I started to get to know what exactly had happened. I noticed that my shirt was stained with Donghyuck's blood and he was beaten and half-conscious in the school nurse's office.

"Sorry" the silence of the room was interrupted by hoarse, weak voice. "I didn't plan it," he added after a second.

"As always, sunshine," she said in a warm, motherly voice. "As always," muttered after a moment, reaching for blanket with free hand. She covered Donghyuck when was sure that the boy was asleep. Mrs Choi got up quickly and smoothly, pulling the latex gloves off, throwing them straight into the trash and exchanging them for new ones. She set a stool to Hyuck's bed and sat on it with a set of various disinfectants and a package of cotton swabs, gauze pads and other dressings. Woman began to gently wash off the blood from boy's face, disinfecting the wounds inflicted by the blue-haired hooligan. I stared at his closed eyelids, blood-smeared face and slightly open mouth. It wasn't clear to me that this day was so good in the morning and it came out just to be that way. What happened? "Have an eye on him," the nurse said suddenly, getting me away from the thoughts. Her cold tone sounded as if it was my fault that this situation had taken place at all. "I don't want to see him here anymore," she said stiffly and I shook head involuntarily because the state of the shock still wasn't allowing me to do something more. "You're new here, aren't you?" asked quietly after a few dozen minutes. She turned to my side, pulling off another pair of gloves. I had no idea which one. Again nodded affirmatively. "This school is not the safest in the world but Haechan gets here too often, even for such a school."

"Haechan?" I asked in a hoarse voice.

"That's the name of this boy," she explained, making me to know less and less each moment. "I put you under an obligation of keeping him safe," mrs. Choi continued in the same tone. "This is a golden angel. He had the misfortune of running across such a sadist as Haru."

"Do you know why this is recuring?" I whispered, approaching Donghyuck. I crouched at his head, struggling with the need to touch my boy in any way.

"Haechan was attending with Haru for the same therapeutic group somewhere in the city. From what I know, after school rumors have spread that Haru prefers boys," shrugged, placing in the drawer previously used disinfectants. "You know, I don't judge. But it seems to me that he blamed Haechan for that. Finally they were in one group," she sat behind desk, watching me closely. Mrs. Choi was a young woman. She couldn't be much older than me. "Haru has become a laughingstock and kids can be as cruel as anyone else. He began to haunt Haechan, though it is certainly not his fault that this happened."

"Hae... Haechan was going to therapy?" I asked uncertainly. I felt like I was asking a curiosity of a completely alien person. It wasn't clear to me that my Donghyuck and Haechan were one person. All the words and thoughts indicating that this relationship is true and the similarity of the name and nickname weren't accidental, simply reflected on some glass pane. None of this has been able to reach me at the moment.

"From what I know, he probably still does this," she sighed heavily, sousing a sip of afternoon coffee in which we prevented her.

"Why?" I said almost silently. My heart was filled with the fear that I didn't want to know the answer to that question at all. Mrs. Choi looked out the window from which the view of the gymnasium in the next building was visible. She probably didn't like talking about such matters.

"I don't know why..." she bit her lower lip for a second, then continued. "I don't know why such a wonderful child almost succeeded in suicide," said finally and dumbfounded me. "He always had a good education, he had friends... but a few years ago something changed. Nobody knows what was causing this," shook head to the side, as if she herself wanted to know the secret of Donghyuck. "You probably don't understand because you're from Canada but our nation is suffering the curse of suicide. Young people are getting their lives on such a scale that tunnels in undergrounds have been glazed. Year after year it is getting worse. However, I think that the year that Haechan spent at the insane asylum helped him somehow, he's better and he will be better. I haven't seen him smiling for a long time and lately he's doing it more and more often," she smiled and I asked nothing more. I learned much more today than I wanted, much more than I should know. "This kid is like my beloved younger brother," woman said at the end. "I cannot see how he's coming here in this state... It always just hurts."


	12. Insecurities

We were going by car in silence. Donghyuck hasn't spoken to me since leaving school. His shirt was still bloody. The dark patches had already dried out, forming a black crust on the fabric. Hyuck came out of ordeal only or that much with mouth cut and slowly forming bruises all over face. At the hospital after a few hours of waiting, we found out that he had not broken anything, then was discharged home with the recommendation of resting and not overloading the body muscles. He got a pile of prescriptions to take out and they kicked us out in the ass as it is in the hospitals. Brunet exchanged a few words with mother while treating me like an air. Hyuck's mum said it would be best if he stayed with me for a few days so father wouldn't see him in that state. The funniest thing in all this was that Donghyuck himself protested and claimed that he prefers to go home than to go with me. I had no idea what he was talking about but according to all the information that had fallen on me today, his behavior was simply not fair. From fear via distress I reached the stage where pure rage grew within me. I was afraid that this would lead us today to the first serious quarrel if nothing changes. I was fed up with this atmosphere.

When I drove up to the driveway and switched off the engine, it reached out to me what real stony silence is. It was already dark behind the windows for a long time now and from time to time we heard an owl ululation in the distance. I looked at Donghyuck, who stared stubbornly forward with a face so stiff as if I was the one who beat him. I didn't understand anything at all and the whole pile of understatements, mysteries and misunderstandings between us made me terribly frustrated.

"Are you going to talk to me at all?" I asked after a few minutes, when it came to me that no further conversation was forthcoming. Hyuck merely muttered in denial, shaking head and slamming the door behind after getting off the car. This time he exaggerated. To say I was just pissed off, would be a big misunderstanding. I was so pissed off I could break something now. I got out of the car and slammed the door so loudly that I began to seriously worry about their condition. I went up to Hyuck and grabbed him gently by the arm, knowing perfectly well that even this could hurt him. "Donghyuck, fuck," I snapped angrily. "At least look at me" I was irritated. "Look me in the eye, I said," added after a moment much more sharply then before, when I had no response from him. When boy finally looked up at me, tears were in eyes. However, I've found that if I now soften and succumb, we will never normally talk. I couldn't give up just for the sake of his trembling chin. "Did I do something to you that you're acting like that?" I asked with growing anger that didn't take a hike from me yet. "Until now, I don't even ask for any explanation from you, though I think I should, hm? Would you be so kind to stop treating me as your enemy? Because I'm not. I want the best for you and procect you from any harm so stop acting like offended child and talk to me" I said finally, watching as large drops of water flow down the boy's cheeks. He stood in front of me and tried to take control of himself but eventually chucked in a towel and cracked. Donghyuck inhaled air very abruptly, then a loud sob came from between his mouth. He tried to drown it out somehow by covering mouth with hand but failed. It doubled up from the pain because the beaten up body combined with spasmatic weeping was not the best fusion. I couldn't handle such sight and act like a tough guy anymore, so I melted. "Honey..." whispered, grabbing his shoulders. I hugged the boy gently into my chest but that didn't help; nothing was able to calm him down at this stage. Hyuck started to cry even more, losing breath momentarily. He was inhaling the air loudly, breathing rather shallowly and irregularly, as if all air exchange was based on short pulmonary contractions. Donghyuck clenched fingers tightly on my blouse, crying eyes out straight on my shirt. I kissed him gently on the cheek in the hope that it would give him some encouragement and soothe not only the physical pain but also psychical that he now felt.

♥

I stood in the shower and shivered from the cold, though the hot water was coming from the shower head and all the windows around me were fogged. There was a chill by chill running through whole body not only from the cold but also from pain, helplessness and fear.

Because I wasn't angry at Minhyung.

I couldn't be. He took care of me after leaving school, drove to hospital, pharmacy, home. He did everything that one would expect of his boyfriend; and even more. Just... I was scared that when a boy learns the truth about me, he'll find me crazy. I was afraid he would want to have nothing to do with me. After today's events, our conversation just had to take place. There was no other option then this. That's why I didn't want to come here. I just wanted to be at home, to hear from my father that _if you're once a doormat, you'll be doormat forever_ , shut up in the room, be alone with my thougths and problems and cry what I had to cry out. But my mother was clearly afraid of possibility that I can commit suicide. She could claim many times that she has a trust in me, that she know I've changed. But that's not true. The woman knew perfectly well that the chances of taking my own life by Minhyung were almost none. That's why I'm here.

Emotional instability wasn't attractive to anyone. Constant mood changes are knackering for the other person who has to endure it. Frequent black dogs alternating with highs again and again, eternal lability, irrational fears, pharmaceuticals, depression and even more pharmaceuticals. I didn't want to be a burden for Minhyung. He didn't meet me like this before, he didn't love this side of me few years ago. He didn't fall for my dysfunctional personality but for this cheerful and normal one.

Sometimes I was just worried about such fears. That Minhyung will notice something. That I'm different, not the same as I used to be, changed. I tried to hide all my problems and shortcomings but it was hard in the long run. I couldn't pretend ona daily basis to be someone I'm not. That's why I was afraid he would leave when he notice something. That he will disappear just as he had done before.

I didn't want to be considered weak either. People should support one another. It couldn't be something one-sided that I don't give anything back, pulling Minhyung down. He was four years older but that didn't mean Mark was supposed to care for me. I should also support him somehow. That is why I was afraid of his reaction to all of this, my own uselessness and the mental burden that I brought to this relationship. I felt really bad lately with those kind of thoughts.

I walked slowly out of the shower, clenching jaw in pain. I stood uncertainly on the rug, crouching for a towel that had to fall to the ground. I moaned loudly, biting the bottom lip. Awful stinging in the side bited me as if I had broken ribs. I started slowly wiping out of the water until knocking on toilet's door didn't interrupt me.

"Can I come in?" Minhyung asked through the door. I glanced frantically around the room looking for any clothes. But none except my bloody ones were here.

"Wait," I said, raising voice. I grabbed the biggest towel in the room and wrapped it tight. I didn't want Minhyung to see anything that made my body miserable. Not yet. "You can come in," I said in a hoarse voice, standing as far away from the entrance and the mirror as I could. I didn't want to see my reflection. I was aware that I didn't look the best.

Minhyung walked slowly into the bathroom with his first aid kit under armpit. He himself has already changed into much more comfortable clothes than white shirt and black trousers. I liked him so much more than in this school outfit. Scraggly, curly blonde hair, gray sweatshirt big enough for basketball player and plain black trousers. The formal style didn't suit him. Everything becomed him but I loved boy the most in that home edition - warm and cozy. Beside this kind of Minhyung I felt the safest. When he glanced at me, I looked down. I wasn't able to even simply peek him in the eyes. I wanted Mark to leave these clothes fast and go away. Minhyung, however, had other plans because he laid everything on the ground by the toilet and walked slowly to me. I took a step backwards.

"I can handle myself, thank you," whispered as he grabbed my shoulders.

"Stop it already," said tiredly, pushing me toward the toilet bowl. When I sat down on it quietly, Mark began to wipe my hair with gentle movements.

"Minhyung..." I started uncertainly, wanting to take another attempt to liberate myself from his touch.

"I don't give a shit about what you can do on your own" cut me sharply in the middle of thoughts and decidedly pulled the towel off my shoulders so that I didn't expect it.

"Mark..." I continued to protest, clenching eyelids with embarrassment. I wanted to cry out of shame. I hated my body. Why did he do it to me today? Why did he give me all this?

"Don't dramatize," he muttered under breath, kneeling. "I know what a naked guy looks like," he added after a moment, wiping my thighs, stomach and chest with a towel. Now he saw. He saw everything but behaved as if it was normal. As if he knew my body. But he didn't know it at all. The truth was that razor wounds didn't spit only my wrists or forearms. I had these scars literally everywhere - on my thighs, shoulders and hips. They reminded me of everything when I accidentally bump somewhere on my reflection. I didn't want to be seen in this exposure. Not by him. I started to shake. Minhyung grabbed my fingers. "Hyuckie... " whispered, gently kissing trembling hands. "Calm down, I beg you," he added after a moment as I sniffled. "I'll square it away and I'll leave you alone, okay?" asked and I nodded skeptically, though his departure at that moment was the last thing I wished. Minhyung began to gently distribute some cream on my skin. He lubricated today's bruises and places beaten by Haru. His fingers were soothingly cool and the movements were very slow and accurate. I looked up at Minhyung's face, whose focus was disturbing. The boy had jaw clenched and eyebrows drawn. I wanted to apologize to him but I didn't know how or what to do. "These old scars are meant to be lubricated?" asked in a hoarse voice.

"I don't think so," whispered weakly as I watched him run across several of them. I shivered.

"Okay..." boy sighed heavily after a long silence. He looked at me with a pale smile. Mark kept hands on my hips. I could feel the slow circles on pelvis bent. At this point, I didn't even care that I was completely naked. I raised trembling hand and gently brushed his hair. Minhyung's eyes were slightly glassy. I knew that he wasn't good with it at all too, that it was hard for him as well. I wanted to tell him that if he wanted, he could cry, that he could go away or leave me. I couldn't look at blonde in a state like this. Not, when I knew that I was the one who did it. "Put the breeches on that skinny ass," Minhyung whispered after a moment, giving me a short kiss on stomach. He took my hand off his head and kissed it briefly too, then rose from knees and walked over to the cupboard over the sink. I just nodded, fighting with tears and reached slowly for the boxers that lay right next to me on the ground. I set them carefully, wiping nose with the back of hand. As I bent down to sweatshirt, Minhyung stepped up quickly, picking it up before me.

"Give it to me, I will help you," he said calmly, wrinkling nose as I tried to protest. I sighed with helplessness, letting go of the material. "To not wipe the ointment," explained. He pulled the sweatshirt over my head and helped to put hands carefully in sleeves. "Give me your face," he asked quietly, lifting my chin up. I watched him as slowly lubricated my mouth, cheeks, and eyebrow. Minhyung was incredibly gentle and careful. I began to wonder what I really deserved for him. I couldn't find an answer. "Looks like I won't be able to kiss you for a while, " he joked pretty badly, smiling literally for a second. This joke was not even spoken of with one gram of joy. I could feel tears streaming down my cheek, which apparently could no longer be hold under eyelids. It was me who led to this situation in which we were now. Minhyung quickly wiped them off, hugging me right away. "Don't blubber," murmured, quickly rubbing my shoulders. I clenched fingers on the fabric of his sweatshirt, trying to calm down. "Don't be afraid. After all, I was just joking," assured, knowing perfectly well that not being able to kiss at that moment was our least problem. "Gather what you have to grasp and I'm down," he said after a few minutes of silence and standing in the embrace in the middle of the bathroom. "We'll make dinner, hm?" suggested with a false positive tone of voice. I nodded slowly, moving away from him. I felt he wanted to stay for a while now alone. I didn't want to let him go but I felt that Minhyung needed it more than I do now.

♥

I really tried not to think about it all. But the more I thought not to think, the more I thought about it. Today I just got too much information at once.

First of all, this fight, which turned out to be not the first.

A suicide attempt two years ago.

A year in a psychiatric facility.

And even more scars. They were everywhere. Hands, legs, arms. Thick and thin, short and long, shallow and deep.

And it was my fault.

I was perfectly aware of this. It wasn't like I denied or pretended that it didn't concern me. It concerned. The nurse said it started several years ago. Everything fits. And I wasn't able to accept all of this information with responsibility at once. It was over my strength. In some way I destroyed him. I destroyed this boy and made him become someone else. Someone in pain and suffering.

The sound of a plate smashing on the ground whipped me from brown study. I had enough of it all. I croaked over it, fighting with tears. I wasn't a crybaby. Actually, I wasn't able to recall when I last cried. But now... all this was just too much. Too much... I nodded and winked a couple of times. I had to buck up. Donghyuck can go down any time. I couldn't let myself to be weak now. Nothing good would come from two emotionally broken guys.

I slowly picked up all the glass from the ground and threw it away. I took a couple of deeper breaths, looking out the window. We had autumn. I liked it despite all the depressing aura. On the other hand, decadent sentiment combined with true tragedy didn't promise anything good. We have been silent for too long. After a couple of months of the relationship we still knew shit about each other. I hid something, he hid something, we have lied to each other from the beginning. Was it really a relationship? Because lately I have more and more often had the impression that we are completely alien. I was afraid of the thought that it didn't make any sense. We don't fit properly. But I loved this guy to death. That was the truth. I hoped he also shared that thought at least to a minimum.

I poured our juice into glasses and put it on the table. It wasn't a difficult task and in the series of kitchen challenges, there was still a rice to cook in the pot. I looked in the middle of the water, thinking, whether it was done or not. I didn't know again. I didn't like to cook this damn thing. It wasn't me to care about dinner in this house.

In the end, Donghyuck went down to find me pondering over rice. I didn't want to look at him now because I was sorry. The boy came to me uncertainly, as if he didn't know what we were up to. He placed hands gently on my back, then wrapped arms around my waist and hugged me. I clenched eyelids firmly, choking with the silence that was in the air. I never wanted to be in such a situation. I had hoped that somehow our relationship would go forward. I covered fingers with Hyuck's hand and gently shook them.

"I'm sorry," the boy said weakly after some time. I was afraid that the rice was already overcooked.

"It's ok," I muttered, tapping comfortably on his palms. "Somehow we can handle all of this."

♥

Nightly game shows were something that enabled me staying in the mental hospital without going crazy. They kept going again and again in the shared room. There was nothing else to watch. Such shows allowed more or less to maintain the sobriety of the mind. I had to torture it something beyond the books. I had no friends there.

Now it was different. Now I was sitting on the couch in the living room, the man I loved wrapped arms around me and I felt safe on his chest. We watched this show together and I didn't feel lonely anymore. At least partially. The events of the morning slightly redefined our closeness, familiarity and the comfort of staying in the same room. We faced the challenge of fixing what had been damaged in our relationship.

"River," I whispered.

"Where?" he asked sleepily.

"Perpendicularly."

"Ah, indeed."

Again silence.

From the depths of the corridor we heard a loud ticking sound. Mark had a huge clock standing in his office. It was always at midnight when it was about to peal the loudest. It could be heard quite clearly even in the attic. A magic hint that we were just crossing the line between two days. A new day was beginning which we could have managed differently. We were able to write a new script if we wanted to. We just entered the relationship reconstruction phase.

"What time is it?" I asked.

"4 am soon," he muttered indistinctly.

"Are we going to sleep?" I offered, looking down at boy.

"Are you sleepy?"

"You are," I said calmly, giving him a tired smile in reply. "We can just lay to bed. We don't have to sit here," I assured. Minhyung probably just was afraid of the silence that could bloom between us. That is why he wanted to take care of anything else that would be playing, buzzing or murmuring. Any form of distraction was better than confronting with something that seemed too heavy for our shoulders to handle during the current day.

"Okay," he nodded, rubbing eyes. I sat down slowly on the edge of the couch, clenching lips tightly. I started regretting that I offered anything. My ribs tear out unimaginable pain, which only increased with the passing hours. I knew that when I wake up in the morning, it can be much worse. "Come on," Minhyung said, crouching with back turned to me. "You don't seem to be able to even stand by yourself."

"Don't make a cripple out of me," I shrieked.

"If you could have not made me more angry today, I would have been very grateful," he said sharply, closing my mouth immediately. Sometimes Minhyung didn't even bother to be nice. I think I was pissing him enough and making tired. I was sorry when he used that tone but I tried not to bear him a grudge. Unawarness gives rise to frustration and the inability to explore the truth only sustains it. That's why I decided to "not make him more angry today" and just let take me on back to the bedroom.

To bed we lay silent and silence were kept for a long time. There was no hug, kiss or even a goodnight. There was nothing. We both looked at the same ceiling from the same mattress but somehow we did it separately. It hurt me from all my heart. It was in ache because of it. We shouldn't behave this way. If we are supposed to hurt each other now, I didn't want relationship like that.

I turned to the side, back to Minhyung. I barely restrained the tears with wich my eyes were filling. Today I could definitely get the medal for the biggest crier in Korea. But it worked like that. The emotional machine was out of order and it couldn't return to be normal today. To repair it sleep and the beginning of a new day was needed. However, the dream didn't want to come to me. It was cold, I felt lonely and guilty. I was sad. That's probably why I felt a lonely salt drop on my nose. I sniffled. I wanted to go home again. Mom would at least hug me. Suddenly, Minhyung sighed heavily and I heard the rustle of the quilts and then the mattress was bent beneath us. I felt the boy's shoulder, which gripped me firmly against his chest. Minhyung's mouth made a few slow kisses on my neck, warming body.

"Shhh, that's okay," whispered. "End of those tears for today," he said, unsettling me even more. I took the air convulsively. "Hyuckie... baby... don't cry anymore, please. Tomorrow will be a new day, we'll sleep with it and get up in a better mood, I promise," he added softly, kissing me quickly on the cheek. I slowly knit our fingers, sinking into Minhyung's shoulders. "I don't know what's on your mind now but I love you, Hyuckie... I love and I will never stop."


	13. Fated to each other

I woke up well-rested, without the interference of others. I didn't remember the last time I had experienced an unforced rise and shine. I even noticed that I wasn't hurt as much as I suspected at first. While all my painkillers must have stopped working overnight, it wasn't so bad. Minhyung's arm was still embracing me with its warmth and weight. I felt safe and the closeness of the other body only intensified the feeling. If I were good at completely surrendering to the moment, I might even tell myself that yesterday didn't exist and the incident itself didn't happen. It would be better and simpler to simply erase some part of the past and pretend that the event didn't happen.

It would be easier for both of us to forget.

Easier to go back to the old routine.

Easier to come back to living a lie.

While the boy was sleeping, I was able to calm myself down. Yesterday I was much more than just shaken. My entire world collapsed in seconds and chaos grew on its ruins. I got so lost in panic to came up with a plan of saving anything that I completely forgot the simple fact that in this chaos it is not just me. That there are two people lost in a storm, actually.

Minhyung was tired and frustrated with all of this as well. A million unknowns collapsed on boy's head in one second, destroying the entire image of his boyfriend that had existed until now. The image of a prankster younger than himself, a joker who seizes the day, the soul of the party that illuminates the evening for others. Surely, he was surmising many things before. Only fools would not guess. We were with each other after all. We lived a little together, a little side by side, but still in relationship status as a couple. We have spent time together and when people engage in common activities, they clearly see some character traits or disposition, personality details that stand out and are more noticeable. Minhyung had some information earlier but it was residual. As if he combined the dots to get the full picture but was unable to find the next one, so he was stuck somewhere in the middle - completely lost.

Minhyung felt guilty.

He felt guilty of my wounds, my bad general sensation, of everything. He did what he could just not to show it but it definitely wasn't working out. In turn, I didn't want to feel like an entity that blamed him for anything. I didn't want to get glances filled with regret, sadness, apologies and guilt. In the end, either way, I did it by myself to myself. I had the right to self-abhor. It wasn't Minhyung's fault that I was just mentally weak. That I still am.

I looked out the window, playing gently with Mark's fingers. It's November that just started. Days have become more and more short and the chill of the outside has been growing gradually. Rotten leaves were left untilled on the roads, producing an air-specific odor. It was such a sleepy atmosphere in which we were waiting for the first snow - surrounded by gray skies, thrown back at the warmth of our bodies. Tucked with sleepy atmosphere, we waited for the first white flakes to come from the sky and cover the ground.

"What time is it?" Minhyung whispered suddenly to my ear. A shiver passed me.

"2 pm," I said calmly. I was wondering what it would be like now. How our conversation will go after the tense previous day. Will it be normal and natural or will the air be filled with nervous anticipation and quiet days through which a sincere confession won't be able to break through. Again, many unknowns.

"We slept nicely," boy muttered sleepily, grasping me tighter to chest.

"Indeed" I laughed as Mark's nose snapped into a sensitive place on the skin of my neck. I melted in his arms, surrendering to the warmth of the blonde's breath. In such conditions, I could be lulled to sleep again. I saw no contraindications."You didn't have any classes today, did you?" asked after a moment of dead silence.

"I have no lessons on Fridays," he sighed heavily. Opening eyelids came with great difficulty today to both of us. "Besides, even if I had some, due to the current situation I would rather cancel them."

"You know you don't have to do that," I murmured, after a long moment. I didn't want to be the reason for such decisions. Mark was a participant in the lives of adults, so he had to act like an adult. He couldn't take time off for such bland reasons.

"What supposedly?" replied wearily more in the form of assertion than questions. "Taking care of my boyfriend, who allowed some motherfucker to beat the living daylights out of him," he said, yawning.

"Well, for example," I whispered, turning to face him. Minhyung looked at me with sleepy gaze. In the eyes of the blonde I didn't see anything that would indicate that something between us has changed. I was hoping that the dynamics of our relationship would remain the same and the warmth beating of Mark's irises gave me that hope.

"You're so stupid sometimes," he said quite seriously. The boy's finger touched the tip of my nose gently. "You are the most important to me."

♥

I felt like taking part in an impaired version of Masterchef Junior for underdeveloped adult cooks. Donghyuck was sitting on the kitchen counter and told me what to do next. _Grate the salmon, squeeze the lemon, sprinkle with lemon pepper. Not white, Minhyung, lemon. It lies between herbal pepper and thyme. Stir the spinach, because you'll burn it up soon and add the garlic with cream._ I did everything terribly slowly. I never suspected that a man is capable of doing so many things at once, cooking at this level without being a professional. You have to watch so many things. In order not to overcook the pasta, not burn the spinach, not let salmon to soak in in the lemon sauce for too long. Sure, I wanted to do something for dinner but I guess that not with that level of sophistication.

Twenty minutes later, I served Donghyuck with a spoon to lick it. The boy was silent for a moment, then nodded slowly, waving legs alternately in the air. Until now, he didn't cover body as much as before. I told him there was nothing to hide and he shouldn't do it when we are together. If I diminished my desire to know the truth and asked many questions, his exposed skin didn't bother me. I didn't want to build a barrier between us.

I wanted these barriers to endure.

I wanted some serious converstation to appear.

"And...?" I asked, standing between his legs.

"Delicious" answered with a smile, giving me a gentle, uncertain kiss.

This conversation hung over us like heavy clouds before the rain in the autumn sky. Repeatedly I wanted to start the topic, use this parental tone and say: _Donghyuck, we need to talk_. With the fact that Donghyuck knew it well. So I waited. In the boy's eyes there was constant uncertainty, tension, as if he wanted to start talking in this case but at the same time he was afraid of the first question on my part.

We fought a vicious circle, circle of the absurd.

On the other hand, we haven't spent time together in the way we do today for a long time. Donghyuck was rarely at my place. I won't even mention it for the night. We didn't spend as much time as others would have imagined and certainly not as much as we both wanted. That is why we've been silent about difficult issues since Thursday. We could have been together but we had no idea how we behaved in some situations in everyday life. We didn't live together. Despite the passage of time, we still lived side by side. On the other hand, when I was overwhelmed in Canada, I ran into sex, alcohol and drugs. Therefore, what we were experiencing now was not easy for me in terms of the existence of the problem itself. I had a problem dealing with trouble in a human, common and normal way.

I kissed Donghyuck's neck slowly, his collarbone and arm. I wanted to stay with him in this house forever. Pull aside the thought that we have this Saturday and only available to us the last day of the week and then again the school in which we should both appear this time. I sighed heavily, leaning forehead against Donghyuck's chest. The boy gently dipped fingers in my hair and scrawled them subtly.

"If you wish... we can go on," said suddenly and his heartbeat was clearly noticeable even for me. I laughed. I looked at him in disbelief and boy shrugged in response. I didn't understand why Hyuck even said it because he couldn't mean it. Someone who gives a first kiss after a month of relationship doesn't go to bed so quickly. I was curious what he was doing.

"You know that you have to want it, Hyuck?" I asked amused.

"I know," he said uncertainly. "What if I say I want to?" asked. I laughed again. I still didn't understand.

"Your eyes say something different," I stated calmly, putting hands on boy's thighs. Hyuck looked hesitantly, embarrassed. I could only suspect why those words even appeared but I didn't like the guesses. We're both lost. "Don't hurry up that thing, honey," I whispered, almost begging. I knew the consequences of speeding up such things. I knew them perfectly well. "If you're not ready, our sex will look like I've just hooked you up," I said straight from the shoulder. Donghyuck looked down and blushed. "You see? You're not ready," I whispered, kissing him slowly on the cheek. "Besides, it's your first time and it's very important because it'll stay forever in your head," I tapped him on the forehead several times. "You want to have good memories, don't you?" I added softly with a smile. Hyuck nodded.

We looked at each other for a long time, smiling gently under our noses. Hyuck's cheeks were still shrouded in a shy blush of embarrassment with all this satiety and an unusual proposal to give me his body as compensation for this whole mess. But it was such a tragically wrong order to put things straight that it made my heart ache at the very thought that such a thing had sprouted in his young head. If we became a couple who don't talk, but go to bed first to forget about the problem, I would never forgive myself that turn of events. I would have destroyed Donghyuck as much as I was destroyed years ago.

"What was your first time?" he asked after a little pause as if read my mind and knew that I had accidentally hung up somewhere on the events of Canada. I grimaced. I didn't like to come back to this memories. To those times, that relation and that relationship.

"I don't have a good memory of it" I said casually although I was talking about things that were quite painful both mentally and, at that time, physically. "I wouldn't even call it sex. Definitely very painful."

"And is it always like that?" Hyuck asked calmly but not fearfully at all. His body was almost a monument to the assertion that physical pain was not his prime fear. It scared me a little.

"No, don't worry," I muttered, gently stroking boy's cheek. "Sure, it always hurts. But if someone doesn't want to hurt you and will make an effort to make you suffer the least, it won't be that bad in the morning," I assured, kissing his nose lightly.

"So you..." he began uncertainly, timidly looking at me. In a way it was adorable that Donghyuck was so worried about it. But I didn't bother anymore. This was a past that should not have emerged in the present. These are unpleasant elements of life that should be repressed and forgotten.

"This is a long story" I cut shortly and left the boy reluctantly to go back to cooking. We both had a lot to hide.

♥

"Actually, we don't do anything extraordinary," I told Mom when she called. "We cook, we laze around and other things like that," I whispered, looking at the garden, suffused with various shades of yellow and brown. It was quite cool and the coolness was killing us. I stood on the porch, inhaling the odor of autumn rot, which floated in the air. In this area in particular, you can give yourself up to this aura. We were surrounded by forests and fields. Autumn was more visible here than in any other corner of Ansan.

"So how's living together going?" The woman asked.

"You want to get rid of me permanently from the house, that's why you're asking?" I joked, quietly laughing.

"Honey, of course not. But we both know that sooner or later you will live together, so I'm just curious." I never thought about living with Minhyung seriously, permanently. This topic has always been hanging around but it was too early to think about us in such serious and seemingly irreversible categories. People live together when they know each other better, accept their faults and bear the annoying behavior of the other person. Me and Minhyung very little knew about each other. Therefore, the subject of common apartment has never been touched by us.

"It's good, really," I assured her, deciding to omit in an answer the part about shared flat in the near future. "We quarreled a bit yesterday," I admitted frankly. "But it's nothing serious. We had to do it one day either way."

"Do you remember about drugs?" she asked suddenly as if any misunderstanding in the relationship caused no drug use by the impaired partner. I would be lying if I said that such words from my mother's mouth were not irritating.

"I remember," I sighed heavily, rolling eyes. Suddenly I felt blanket wrapped around body. Minhyung grabbed my arms and turned toward the entrance of the house. I laughed as boy closed the door to the veranda with a sulky expression. "Wait, mom, because Minhyung is a little over-protective and he got me home," I said, taking off the blanket from shoulders and putting it back on the couch. The boy knocked me a few times in the forehead and went to the living room.

"Have you talked to him?" she continued to move heavy topics. I grimaced, losing humor.

"Not yet," I murmured, sitting down beside Minhyung on the sofa in front of the TV. I silenced the speaker for a moment so that he would not hear my mother roar. This woman wasn't able to speak quietly on the phone.

"And when are you going to do that?" she taunted. I clenched mouth. I was already a big boy. I wanted to decide on such things myself. I didn't tell her that though. I would probably hear something about my immaturity and escaping whole life from confronting others. "You should tell him everything."

"I know," replied irritably. "I'll do it tomorrow..." I glanced at the boy. He was channel-hopping. "Or the day after," I added after a moment.

"Oh, sonny boy, sonny boy."

"What?," I grunted.

"Nothing" sighed. "Minhyung is a good man." I rolled eyes.

"Mom, I think I know it best. In the end it's my boyfriend," I responded with emphasis on _my_. So it came to a point where the woman who gave birth to me took the side of almost unknown man. That's great. This is what I have been striving for in my life.

"Greet mother," Minhyung whispered in my ear, kissing gently on the cheek.

"Who salutes you," I said with irritability.

"Greet him also and I'm ending this call because I feel that we're going to argue soon too," she said openly.

"Okay, I'd rather not pull this conversation as well," admitted honestly, then pressed the red circle. Minhyung gave me a questioning look. "Shit talk," I whispered, crossing arms on chest. He answered nothing. Minhyung put arm around me and hugged tightly. I clung to him hard, drowning in own thoughts.

How did I see our future?

I didn't see it at all. In such cases, I was terribly shortsighted. I wanted to be like that. I used to think a lot about future. I had a lot of interests, I wanted to be a little bit of everybody. I was surrounded by many people, many friends but I valued the most the only one of them. I loved him to death and I was able to sacrifice all others for him just to be with me. It didn't matter that he was sitting next to me now. It was important that when he left, my world collapsed. All plans ceased to matter, passions were forgotten, my friends retreated, I closed myself to world and promised that I wouln't be attached to anything in my life anymore. I promised myself that I wouldn't plan anything in my life just not to be disappointed in the future.

If I was to try to imagine the future with Minhyung, I had to know his past and accept it, living without guilt.

If I was to try to imagine the future with Minhyung, he had to know my past and accept it, living without guilt.

"I found a movie for the evening," Mark said suddenly, breaking the silence. "There are not many options on TV, but..."

"No," I whispered unconsciously in reply.

"No?" he wondered, looking up at me. I looked up too, making eye contact.

"Minhyung..." I started uncertainly, not knowing how to properly grasp the words.

"What happened?" asked, a little nervous. I saw the confusion in his eyes.

"Let's talk," I said softly, catching his hand lightly.

"Now?" Mark wondered, probably assuming the subject matter of the conversation. I nodded for confirmation. I admit, it came out unplanned. I've heard, however, that heavy conversations carried out spontaneously are often the best. "I didn't expect it a bit but that's okay," he sighed. "You prefer here or...?"

"Let's go upstairs."

♥

"Minhyung... can I have a request for you?" Donghyuck asked uncertainly. He was stressed out in an obvious way. Boy sat on the end of the bed, resting feet on my crossed legs.

"Of course, honey," I said, covering him with a blanket. The room was warm but I couldn't overcome the desire to take something of my own hands.

"Tell me first about your life in Canada," he whispered, with a gaze that knew perfectly well that I didn't want to talk about it. I gave boy a tired look. "Please," Hyuck added after a moment of silence between us. I looked down, smiling crookedly under breath.

"What would you like to know?" I asked sourly, playing with fingers. "It's a rather sad story," I shrugged. It has come to me that if we have a night of muckraking, probability of being fed up with sight of each other later is very high.

"I want to know your story," he explained. "How did you live, what did you do - such things."

"Hm," I smiled sadly. _How I lived... funny._ "You know, right from the beginning?" I played for the delay. Donghyuck pulled a blanket under arms and nodded. I grasped him gently by foot and began to play with the elastic from socks. "When I touched down in Canada... It was a shock" admitted, returning with thoughts to that day, when the events of the last moments at home were still blurry and unclear for me, too fast. "It's so far away. Far from Korea, from home, from parents. So far away from you" I muttered, looking straight ahead. In a strange way, it was easier. I felt better without eye contact as I was telling about this. "You know, my aunt told me I would be back. That she'll give me a chance to say goodbye, take my things. So I sent you a birthday card." I felt I had to explain myself somehow. Explain from giving Hyuck a false hope and a sign that I am alive and well, somewhere away from him. "Even then, I was slowly getting to know she was lying. I knew I would not be able to get away from there." Unfortunately, that was the sad truth. I've been preparing for this possibility since my question about the date of return to Korea was disposed of for the first time on the third day after my arrival to Canada. "I don't want you to think now that my aunt is a terrible witch and a whore. Because it's not true. She brought me up, raising almost like a son in a large villa. I didn't miss anything materially. Only my heart hurt and she was too busy to let that pain go away," I said calmly. Over the years, the aunt's regret for all these neglect diminished, until now it disappeared completely. This woman was not able to deal with her own daughter. She completely overlooked Megan's juvenescence, who grew up completely alone. Just like me. We couldn't count on uncle. "They sent me normally to school with English skills at the Korean high school level - so with almost zero knowledge. It was hard but nobody paid attention. I needed a month to be able to communicate with other kids at least in a one-fourth and understand the content of the lesson. I didn't feel well there. These kids were different, unattached, liberated, playful and rude. Cultural difference shocked me terribly. The behaviors that would be publicly stigmatized here, there would have been justified by the teenage community. The only thing that I liked was the approach to homosexuals. Gays, lesbians, transgender people. They didn't treat their sexuality as something bad, as the reason for the shame. Their sexuality was pride, fashion and subculture. It came to me that my love for you was not inadequate. I could openly admit that I like guys and nobody would mess me up, nobody would throw me in the mud, no one would publicly denounce and call me sick. I have relished with this,"I admitted with a mixture of positive and negative feelings. I remembered how happy I was that everything was all right with me. That I don't commit sin, that I don't deserve condemnation. I'm just like everyone, I just like boys. But the moment of realization was the beginning of a long way down. Definitely less happy.

"What was going on there?" Hyuck asked, making me realize that I was leading an internal monologue for a long time and didn't say anything out loud. It was my story but Donghyuck's participation in it was also important. The boy's responsiveness was element of all this. Reciting in a sequence everything and then making him accept this avalanche of information was out of place. "What was after the relish?"

"Bad company, alcohol, inadequate decisions, parties, drugs and casual sex in dirty shitters," I wasn't entirely aware that I had said it so fluently and without much obstruction. I guess I really wanted to get it over with. I smiled sadly, seeing Donghyuk's startled expression. "Sorry..." started uncertainly but he interrupted me.

"You don't have to," boy said quickly. "You don't have to color anything. I will listen to this story as it is. Don't hide anything from me, I beg you," he asked calmly, clenching fingers at the edge of the blanket. Hyuck clearly didn't like what was hearing but still was determined to know the story in its entirety. So I agreed.

"After a few months of going to school, I met a boy. He was named Lucas. His family had the same model as my aunt's family.- Canadian father, Korean mother. As I learned later, he was friends with Megan. Then I didn't know her that well, we had a very poor contact, we rarely saw each other..."

"Megan?" Hyuck asked quietly.

"My cousin," I explained and the boy nodded. "We met at a party. Me and Lucas" sighed tiredly. "It was slowly getting to me that I wouldn't go back to Korea. I didn't have a contact with you, my aunt kept telling me to stop thinking about stupid things and take on a new life, using a new start that she assured me. Only that..." sudden powerlessness took my voice away. This fragment, the very moment of realizing what I was going through then, what thoughts I was struggling with... Emotionally, we were just on one of the hardest fragments of memories for me. "I... I didn't want this start. I wanted my old life. Old house, family. I desperately wanted you and I couldn't do anything about it. That's why I decided to forget. I wanted to forget just for one day," I whispered, justifying myself. This event was the beginning of the end. The nodal point of my entry into early adulthood. "I went to the house party, which was organized by a classmate. I wasn't too sociable, so I didn't know anyone there. Well, such a polite, orderly Korean kid at his first party. "

"Swot" Donghyuck laughed and I squeezed his foot harder. "Ouch!," boy moaned, pulling it out. There was still a smile on his lips. "Tell me about this party and don't distract me with that poor foot massage," he joked. I rolled eyes.

"Party like a party," I shrugged. "You know, I always thought that all those red cups, loud music and a million people in one house in the absence of host's parents were just the imagination of American cinema. But seriously. it is this way - lot of people who don't know each other. Someone was sucking their faces at the stairs, someone was having a screw in the bedroom of the parents of the owner. One big brothel, a hectolitre of alcohol, a faint sweet smell of weed floating in the air. I didn't feel well there. I stood at the wall and wondered if I could get home soon. Then Lucas approached me" I winced at this name. I was afraid that distaste would remain for me for the rest of life. "He was three years older, riding on a motorcycle, blond hair, almost two metres in height, every chick spreaded legs in front of him and he preferred the butts of his colleagues. He beliquored me but not enough for me to pass out. I remember kissing him and..." my hand automatically went to face to wipe away the shame, anger, and embarrassment. "I swear that I don't regret anything more than the fact that I kissed that motherfucker back that time. I've been involved in something that has ruined my life and if I knew it would end like that, I would never have left my room. But I left. That night there was nothing between us." I sighed, combing quickly and nervously through the hair with one hand. I would like to be able to obliterate the memory of Lucas's lips on my body. "The second time we met at school. After a week he said that I belong to him and he won't allow anyone around us to touch me. I agreed. I wanted to belong somewhere, I wanted someone to be there, I wanted to be someone's" I whispered in pain, drawing circles with thumb on Donghyuck's metatarsus. I couldn't face him now. I wanted to say everything I was able to put into words. If I saw his disgusted face, I couldn't go back to this theme once more. "Lucas was a junkie. I didn't know that back then. I started _dating_ him, he dragged me into group of friends and the parties started. With the fact that these events were no longer house parties of chic, rich children. I was drawn into the slum, narcotics and Canadian homo districts. It was a real evil, a real darkness that drew me to itself and I fell into it." I swallowed. Donghyuck listened intently, keeping eyes glued to me. I just felt it.

"You started to take drugs," he said weakly. I nodded and then felt unwanted tears in eyes. Shame hit me with a powerful, breath-taking wave. I nodded again after a while, grabbing temples. Donghyuck sat down slowly against me. I felt him catch my hand and lace our fingers together.

"Lucas had just wanted to fuck me from the start," I said after a moment as I knew I shouldn't let my voice shake. "It was a very attractive option for him. A young boy who knows shit about sex. Who wouldn't take chance to do that?" I laughed bitterly. "He didn't ask me a questions. He fucked me on some dirty rags on the back of the club."

"And no one reacted?" Donghyuck outraged. I laughed, looking him in the eye. He was terribly naive. I caught brunet gently by the chin.

"Honey... do you think any junkie would care about raped teen?" I asked gently as if talking about promotions in the supermarket. "They would rob me faster than they helped me," I whispered and shivered at the thought of those seedy clubs and abandoned hospital buildings full of dealers and stoned, homeless people who had lost everything to their stupidity. "After some time, I stopped to resist" In the end, I had to admit it outright. I had to admit that I was no longer different from the people I once despised. "I used to dope all the time to stupefy myself, to not feel any kind of pain until Lucas finally disappeared and I was left alone - lonely, impure, with an addiction. The only difference was that later I didn't let anyone to touch me. Since my pseudo relationship with Lucas I wasn't even once at... you know... at the bottom," I smiled awkwardly. It was very strange to talk about all of it with Donghyuck. He didn't fit the world I was talking about.

"You can continue," he said after a pause. I couldn't read anything from his face. Hyuck looked calm and thoughtful but his fingers tightened harder on my palm from time to time. 

"I wigged out," said simply. "I messed up school, going back home drunk or stoned. I lived like a typical junkie for two years. I was bedhopping - I didn't care with whom or where. I was a frequent visitor to one club, where everyone probably still associates me. I had so many guys that I couldn't even count them. I'm really lucky that I didn't catch anything, no filth. And God..." my voice broke for a moment. I wanted to say it quickly and get it over with but when the words finally rang in the room, I realized how tragic it all sounds. How tragic that shows for me. "I really wouldn't be surprised if you bare me a grudge, if you started to abhor me," I whispered, avoiding Donghyuck's eyes. "Nobody hates me more than me myself, Hyuckie. I can't even look at myself in the mirror. I can't touch you without remorse. What greed and egoism is the desire to be your first guy, since I can't even respect myself. I don't deserve you, Donghyuck. I shouldn't... " Donghyuk's mouth blocked me from finishing what I wanted to say to him. The boy's hands grasped my face with both hands.

"Don't talk stupid things, Mark," he said firmly, with strength. "You deserve me. You deserve, hm?" he whispered, wiping a tear away from my cheek. "I don't abhor you. I never could" Donghyuck snorted, utterly incomprehensible to my words. As if the fears with which I lived for so long were completely unfounded. I didn't understand how he could accept everything I told him so easily. I'm not sure if I could do it in his place. "You will be my first guy, Minhyung. No one else will get me or anyone else will ever touch me," he assured with grave dignity. I stared at Hyuck's eyes for a long time, unable to resist drowning in those honeyed iris.

I loved them.

I loved him most in this world.

I came into contact with boy's lips violently. The need to physically feel that everything is fine with us turned out to be much stronger than everything else. Words can't always explain everything. Donghyuck took a deep breath, not expecting it so suddenly. But after a while he clasped fingers on my neck and drew me closer, giving back a kiss. Actually, we came here to talk about some serious things and it seemed that we would end up kissing on the bed. I didn't mind. It was a fun way to spend a break between going back to the next past from another. I dragged Hyuck to my knees, without breaking our lips. I needed that now. I needed his total closeness. And Hyuck gave it to me. I felt fingers in my hair, breath on my face, tongue intertwined with mine. It was perfect.

"Minghyung," he whispered suddenly, interrupting the kiss.

"Hm?" I muttered, sliding nose around his neck.

"I want it," Donghyuck said, looking me in the eye. I saw in them strange determination. I wasn't sure if this decision was due to pure desire. I knew Donghyuck and knew he could do anything to make me not feel bad. I didn't want to take such a sacrifice. It was not needed at that moment. It could actually do more harm than good. I sighed heavily.

"You sure?" asked hesitantly. I didn't want to argue with him. After all, he was an adult and made adult decisions. I simply wanted him not to regret anything in life.

"Sure," boy whispered, gently combining our lips. He looked really convinced. There was nothing of the prior confusion and hesitation in him. In spite of all that... Even if he wanted to give himself to me just because I can feel better later... I probaly had to accepted it. I would do anything for him to remember it all his life and not regret a second of that intercourse.

To make this quick decision, that it seemed to be, to be the best in his life. It was all I could do and promise this kid.

We broke off our lips and I started to make gentle kisses on Donghyuck's neck. I did it slowly and thoroughly, enjoying the fact that I had his body exclusive and theoretically I could do with him what I wanted. A simple _no_ would stop me at any moment. It wasn't me as the most important in this matter. I returned to my boyfriend's mouth, slowly unbuttoning his shirt to sleep, though I wanted to just tear it off completely. This was my inner insinct, which I had kept in check for a long time, on a tether. When my fingers brushed his bare chest, Hyuck shivered. I looked into boy's eyes and he smiled happily. Thanks to this, I knew I could continue. I began to slowly slide shirt off the boy's shoulders without interrupting our visual contact. Donghyuck was afraid, though struggled to look as if it didn't move him completely. I saw that he was fighting with all might to keep hands from covering body. Complexes. They were his biggest demons. I grabbed Hyuck's hands and placed them on the bottom of my shirt. He clenched fingers gently on the material and lifted it uneasily, dragging it a moment afterward through my head. I shook hair side to side to get it back into place when it was done. 

Now we were equally without clothes, equally exposed.

"Nothing difficult," I whispered into Donghyuck's ear, kissing its lappet. Brunet laughed, tilting head to one side.

"You're tickling" he said, hiding face in the hollow of my neck. I smiled under breath. I loved that cute, laughing side of him. I especially loved that he showed it at a moment like this, when we were with each other in the most vulnerable and closest way. Taking the opportunity that Hyuck was almost sticky to me, I grabbed his hips and dropped from my knees to sheets.

Donghyuck was beautiful.

Whenever I looked at him, I couldn't help admiring that someone with such beauty and heart was with me. And now he lay under me - naked on the bed - and watched with expectation for next move. Hyuck's hair was spread on the quilt and chest was going up and down again and again. I leaned over the boy and slowly kissed his lips. Hyuck's fingers wiggled gently into my hair as he gave it back. I ran hand along that beutifully warm, tanned body, sensing a numerous small protrusions under fingers. They couldn't be avoided anyway. They were literally everywhere. But it was also part of him.

And I accepted it.

I slipped fingers gently under the elastic band of boy's sweatpants but did nothing more than that. It made me discover a very important thing, which was that I was stressing out like hell myself. I've never held anything more fragile and needing special care in my hands than a Hyuck. He'd given me whole self at that moment and trusted not to hurt him. It was a huge responsibility and a completely new experience for me as well. Contrary to all appearances, this was the first time for both of us in many ways.

I slid mouth over his jawline. The magic was simply in the details. And these details had to be perfected today. Donghyuck's hands clamped on my shoulders in meantime as I began to leave single kisses all over his body. I touched with lips every scar, every unhealed wound and every curvature of his skin. Finally, I got the opportunity to fully understand the secrets he had kept for so long and was going to make good use of the opportunity that was given. I ran nose slowly down Hyuck's stomach, ending journey with a small kiss on the lower abdomen. When I got back up, I felt Donghyuck's shallow breath on face. I laughed, seeing the delicate blush on the boy's cheeks. He didn't know what to do with himself now completely. The lostness in boy's eyes was sweet and innocent. Completely opposite to the ready tongue he used to have on a daily basis. I decided to give him a little bit more embarrassment.

"Remember we're home alone," I muttered, slowly sliding down Hyuck's pants. I felt the delicate skin of his underbelly. I was slowly entering an area where there was no one before me. It was a great honor and a great responsibility at the same time.

"Why?" asked, looking at me with confusion. I leaned over boy's ear, getting rid of his shorts with one hand. Concentrated on the words, he's less focused on the fact that will be left with nothing underneath me.

"I want to hear your moans" I whispered sweet and with amusement. Without waiting for an answer, I slid down, kissing boy's thigh.

"Oh my god, Minhyung" Donghyuck sighed softly as his heated skin came into contact with the cold grease which I bought ages ago unable to asses when we'll decide to finally make a use of it. I unbuttoned my own pants, quickly getting rid of them and throwing into the corner. I felt Hyuck's keen gaze on my every move. This was the first time we both saw ourselves naked. We were able to get to know our bodies in all their splendor and discover what we cannot see every day. Donghyuck's hand carefully and attentively touched the place where I had the tattoo. He slid finger slowly, pressing each rib apart.

Nudity meant no secrets.

I grabbed boy by the arm and pressed the lube onto it. Hyuck gave me a puzzled look, then covered eyes with forearm as I dragged his hand toward my crotch. I started to laugh, seeing that embarrassed face. Maybe it was too much for the first time and I was exaggerating a bit but breaking the barriers was also important. The sooner we'll get to know everything, the easier and more efficient it will be for us next time.

"If you want me to insert you, you have to slather me," I said, unable to stop the merriment. I wanted to break Hyuck's shyness. He was too big boy to run away from such things.

"But you're embarrassing," he groaned desperately, wrapping fingers around my penis. He still didn't look at me but at least started laughing at everything I told him to do. I grabbed Donghyuck's wrist and started slowly moving his hand up and down but not too fast because I was barely able to stand the boy's touch on my cock at this low intensity. I was slowly getting hard, not planning to come from stupid hand job. I had to chew the lip so as not to groan out. It wouldn't be too professional if I started losing control right now.

"First of all, I'm your guy. You had to see me naked one day, sunshine" I joked, pulling his arm off face. The color of Hyuck's cheeks was noticeable even in the half-shadow. "And secondly, we'll be making love soon, baby. This will be in your ass sooner or later," I said straight from the shoulder and the boy unexpectedly laughed.

"You can fuck up even the most beautiful moment, I have no wor..." 

I kissed him hard, interrupting this torrent of words. We weren't here to point out our flaws. We were here to close the division of uncertainty and misunderstanding. We had to get to know each other - psychicaly and physicaly. We were about to accept each other unconditionally. Only thanks to this we could start planning what will be with us later. Until now we were suspended between two dimensions.

Donghyuck groaned as I stuck my first finger, tensing all his muscles. He bit me lightly in the lower lip, wanting to break the kiss. But I didn't allow him to do so, covering his mouth once again second after their disconnection. I knew what I was doing. I shouldn't give him a moment to think. He had to have something to distract him. I put the other finger when he started to stick nails in my back. I did it slowly and carefully, but at the same time I tried to be determined in my actions. The hesitation did more damage and hurt more. After the third, boy broke the kiss by tightening eyelids and muscles around my fingers. His mouth dropped silent pant.

"Shhhhh easy," I muttered, wiping the tear from Hyuck's cheek. We looked at each other for a while. I searched for resignation or terror in the boy's eyes but I didn't see it. Apparently this part of his personality hasn't changed completely. Once he made up his mind to something, he had to achieve it at any cost. "I have to stretch you. Try to relax. You're really brave, baby" I whispered softly, kissing him in the nose. Brunet nodded weakly. "Smile, honey," I asked, seeing his eyes flushed. I knew it was hurting. One less, the other more but it always hurts. As Hyuck lifted the corner of his mouth slightly, I took my fingers out of him, wiping them straight away in sheets. I looked boy in the eye, searching for understanding. It was there, amazingly. It surprised me how much this kid trusted me. Even now, when he wasn't comfortable at all and had no idea what I would do with him, he trusted me. Donghyuck crossed arms at my neck as if he already knew what would go on next. "I love you," I whispered and without interrupting our visual contact, I entered him really slowly. The boy moaned loudly, clenching eyelids. His fingers balled on my hair. I stopped in half of length to let him catch breath. "All right?" I asked. Hyuck didn't answer. I waited a moment in silence, watching his rosy face with care. Finally, he took a deep breath, nodding. I came to the end at once, taking another short break to get used to the change that has taken place. Between Donghyuck's lips a silent whinging was heard so I waited until tension around my cock was less felt. Then I began to move slowly in him. I slid out slightly, inserting gently again. Time after time, gently.

"Aaahh," boy sighed loudly, hugging me with legs. I kissed Hyuck's collarbone casually, listening to our broken breaths mixing with each other. With one hand I grabbed his hip and the other leaned on the forearm just beside the Donghyuck's head. My movements became more smooth, even but still very slow, so I smiled gently as Hyuck finally spoke. "You can speed up" he sighed in my ear. I listened to him.

I felt the heart in chest beat abnormally fast. A strange weight of excitement squeezed my lungs in an uncanny way. All the thoughts in head became cruelly monotonous and focused only on the boy clinging to me in ecstasy. For the first time I felt something like this and the moments took me before I got used to it.

It came to me that I...

Donghyuck groaned loudly as I got into him harder, as I got into him deeper. I laughed, catching his hand clenched on our bedclothes. I clasped our fingers.

...I'm happy.

"What?" he whispered in shaking voice. I only shook head. I couldn't put it all into pretty words now.

"You moan beautifully," I said as seriously as I could. After all, it was true. "Most beautiful I've ever heard," I muttered, kissing him. Hyuck's free hand wandered over my hair for the hundredth time this evening, gently combing it. Our tongues danced wildly in the rhythm of the hips moving harmoniously.

Everything went perfectly. I didn't want to hurt him in any way. I was more than happy with the fact that the boy feels pleasure from what we do. After all, that was the priority of today's intercourse - Donghyuck's pleasure and the best memories possible. I've never before enjoyed this kind of experience so much. Before, it was all about taking and achieving a quick state of satisfaction. Nothing else. One could even say that it was the first time for both of us.

Finally, we took our lips apart, unable to focus on anything but the approaching orgasm. I hid face in Hyuck's neck as the boy's throat released a loud scream instead of a low moan. Finally, I found his sensitive point. It made me extremely happy and put a smile on my face. I looked at the Donghyuck's bottom lip, which he chewed. I shook head.

"Don't do that," I whispered. "Want to hear you," said simply. "Groan uder me, Hyuck. Remember that feeling," I muttered, coming into him harder.

The boy's back bended into a bow and hips drawed ahead. I moved hand along his leg, clenching fingers at the bottom of his thigh. Every Donghyuck's moan brought me to the brink of endurance. The boy's hot breath fluttered my cheek lightly and loud grunts confirmed that he was also on the border. I quickened. As we cummed, the room was filled with a pleasant silence of sexual excitement. Donghyuck wrapped legs around mine and the body bent ecstatically. Boy's fingers gritted painfully on my shoulders as I pushed face against his neck, tautening inside of him.

It took just a moment but for us this moment meant really something big. We _had_ each other in the full sense of this word. We were _with_ each other and _for_ each other. That evening a lot of things really changed. Seemingly unbreakable boundaries has been broken. Hyuck finally opened up to me not only mentally but also physically. He gave me his body and for both of us it had been well-known for a long time that it was not a simple matter for him.

When the tension of the orgasm came from us, we lay still in the previous position, listening to each others quick and shallow breaths. I slid slowly from the boy, holding his hip. I reached for a towel lying on the ground, which had to be one of ours after todays bathing and wiped Hyuck's belly and area around anus slowly and then I cleaned up myself. Hyuck watched carefully as I laid the dirty towel on the bed next to us. Everything was for exchange either way. At least this time.

"What?" I laughed as boy stared at me silently for a moment. I leaned over him and kissed his nose, which frowned involuntarily. I caught Donghyuck under shoulders and pulled him up to my knees.

"Nothing," he whispered, looking me in the eye.

"Do you really have so little to tell me right now?" I asked in amazement. The boy shrugged, keeping stone face. I looked at him mysteriously when he finally broke down and started laughing. I shook head in disbelief and pressed lips heavily to his. Answer was immediate. Donghyuck grabbed me by the cheeks, sliding thumb along the jaw. His skin smelled like sweat and evening sex. A crazy mixture which, combined with the image of his body, was indescribable to me. I ran nose along the line of Hyuck's neck, placing a gentle and short kiss on shoulder. "Honey...?" I whispered questioningly.

"Hm?" muttered, chewing the lower lip. He leaned back slightly. I put hands on the boy's hips, drawing circles on the pelvic bones. He looked at my tattoo, smoothing fingers gently as if were studying every single detail, even the smallest elements.

"How are you feeling?" I asked anxiously. Donghyuck gave me a confused smile and shrugged again.

"When did you do it?" asked evasively, putting hand on the moth. I sighed heavily. Sometimes it was so hard to get anything out of him that I was exhausted. I decided to ask later since now he chose to pretend the topic didn't exist.

"Long time ago," I said uncertainly. "Two years maybe."

"And what does it mean to you?" asked, staring at me.

"You know... It's just symbolism," I laughed. "To be reborn, you have to kill something. Fire is destruction and the moth flies to fire, often dying in such a way."I whispered, kissing him on the shoulder. "Symbol of death, spirituality, the afterlife. Not very optimistic. Night butterfly."

"Nice," he said, slightly wincing as I catched at his buttocks. So it hurts.

"Are we going to wash?" I asked and Hyuck nodded. "I'm sorry," I whispered, seeing his face as boy sat carefully at the edge of the bed.

"Stop it," he said, getting up. "Nothing happened," murmured, walking slowly toward the bathroom. I sighed.

I ran gently over the tuchas of Donghyuck and between them. The boy clung to me with the whole length of our bodies and his mouth was pressed against my shoulder all the time. I wasn't sure if this was the right time for remorse on my part. Despite everything, if he felt it was bad now, the probability that it would be worse in the morning was quite high. I was wondering if there was any way to prevent this from happening. So far, however, nothing has occurred to me.

"Will you finally tell me how you feel?" I asked quietly. Hyuck was silent for a moment, then I felt fingers clenching my shoulders.

"It hurts. What else should I tell you?" boy muttered reluctantly.

"I'm sorry," I whispered, flushing the foam off his back.

"You don't have to," he said, grabbing my arm just to push it away. I twisted it quickly, lacing our fingers. There was no force to pull me away from him now. Even if that strength came from Donghyuck himself. The time of care after an important encounter has begun. We did it together and we'll go through everything that comes right after that together as well.

"Now, when you're mine, I probably have to take care of you, don't I?" I asked perversely, causing a smile on his lips. Donghyuck bit lower lip, staring me in the eye. I lifted eyebrow up.

"And since when I was your property?" he replied brilliantly. I laughed with disbelief. I gave him a look that said it was a bad joke. The case has been doomed long time ago since we saw each other after five years.

"I love you" I honestly stated and without unnecessary facilitation. Hyuck looked away, running away from my gaze. I caught him gently by the chin, turning back. I didn't demand an answer from him. I don't hide that it was nice to hear it from him but I didn't force it. I kissed his lips for a moment, wanting to alleviate all of the strange tension that surrounded us through these three specific words. For the first time in my head, I thought that Donghyuck didn't have to reciprocate my feelings. But if it were true, his whole behavior wouldn't make any sense.

The boy gave back the kiss, pulling me closer. The innocent kiss finally turned into a fierce tongue-tugging. I pushed Donghyuck onto the glass wall of the shower and his mouth dropped a low moan. If I didn't know he had enough fun today, it could be a very good entry into the second round. However, the only thing that Donghyuck now wanted was to close my mouth and avoid further confessions. I let him go, kissing water drops away from his body.

♥

"Will you give me some clothes?" I asked uncertainly as watched Minhyung change the sheets.

"No" he denied without hesitation. "Today we sleep naked" he decided. I blushed. I didn't understand how it all worked out. I was embarrassed standing in front of Minhyung naked in the bedroom and yet not so long ago we did much _worse_ things.

Minhyung was well built, though I always thought he was just slim. He still wore wider shirts and all this time somehow I haven't seen him without them. It surprised me that he has a tattoo I didn't know about. A lot of things I didn't know led me to deep thinking about how fundamentally the last few months of our relationship were based. We didn't know each other at all. It was crazy and abnormal. We started to meet the god knows by what principle. I have no idea how it all survived and how miraculously we must have end in the bed to somehow move on. We were just fucked up. Fucked up and fated for each other in the good sense of this word.

"Why?" I asked puzzled.

"Because I say so," he said lightly, patting the pillows. "Come to me, prude," he laughed, seeing my frantic face.

I walked slowly to Minhyung, allowing him to catch me by the hips. I sat on him slowly straddling, still feeling uncomfortable with all this nakedness. I also knew that my turn was about to come. I wanted to delay it as long as possible. But it wasn't that easy.

Emotionally I was rather a heavy person. Minhyung knew that. So I didn't understand why he said those three words that I hate so much. If a guy says such a things after sex, it means he wants to hear the answer. I knew it would sound nice: _Me too, Minhyung_. But I didn't think that I would pass words like that through my throat. It wasn't even the fact that I didn't really love him. Because, oh god, I loved him to death. I wouldn't let someone I don't love to touch me in any way. I just had my reasons for staying quiet.

"Minhyung?" I whispered with foreahead reposed on his.

"Hm?" he murmured with eyes closed. I bit lip.

"I'm happy that it was you," I said softly. It was all I got. I knew it was little, it was pathetic. Unfortunately, I couldn't do otherwise. But the boy smiled warmly and kissed my nose.

"Me too," he replied. "Me too."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It took me so long to rewrite this chapter, I know. But I didn't have time and mood to that earlier, sorry.


	14. Scared of saying 'I love you'

"When you left... it was very hard for me," I began slowly, drawing some senseless patterns on his chest and belly. I hadn't spoken to anyone before about what I was about to confess to Minhyung. It was taboo for many reasons but also because I hadn't quite come to terms with the course of events in the past in order to be ready for a serious conversation with anyone other than Mark who wasn't by my side at the time. Minhyung laid under me and held hands on my hips. I was feeling strangely - sitting on him with only a sheet wrapped around crotch. The barriers I had built up over the years fell one after another and I didn't quite know how to feel about it, what to make of it."Some of that may sound childish but you have to take into account that I was thirteen at that time..."

"Easy," Minhyung whispered, shaking my arms in comforting way. "I'm the last person to judge you, Hyuckie. I told you that once." I sent him a tentative smile. Even if he was right, it was still embarrassing from the perspective of my teenage life.

"The psychologist said that I reacted so strongly and extremely to this situation because I was entering puberty and typical teenage fears were compounded by the loss of a loved one." I shrugged. "If I was older, I would probably have accepted it better. But it ended how it ended. I mean, well... It ended quite badly" I said reluctantly, remembering the first years after the disappearance of Minhyung.

"From the beginning, Hyuck," he whispered, as if was preparing to hear nothing nice. As if preparing to accept responsibility for all of this. And it wasn't right. This wasn't what I expected from our conversation, as it wasn't aimed at finding the guilty one. I didn't care about choosing a scapegoat. This wasn't the way the road was going.

"Before I start, I just have to tell you something very important," I said, grabbing Minhyung's hand. He closed eyelids as if was waiting for some wordy attack on my part . Nothing could be more wrong. "I feel bad that you feel guilty for anything," I put hand on Mark's lips when I saw that he wanted to deny it. "I see it in your eyes, Hyungie. Whenever you touch me, you have it painted on your face. I beg you, don't deny it. Sure, you left without even saying simple goodbye but you cannot be responsible for the fact that I was..." I closed eyes tight, hardly admitting it to myself even after so many years. "...that _I am_ mentally weak. Most people wouldn't take it so badly" I assured. Minhyung looked at me doubtfully, slowly removing my fingers from his mouth. "I want you to know that I don't have any grievance with you about this disappearance and everything what happend next," I assured, although not quite honestly. I had a great regret for Mark that he had been silent for so many years. But now I understand why. I see that he was as helpless as I was. I couldn't add him more troubles in this case. No, if we were about to live together in the future. "But thank you for coming back to me," I whispered, getting ready to utter the next big words. I breathed in. The boy was watching me with a strange mix of compassion, understanding and expectation. "I can't imagine a further life wthout you," I said simply. It seemed to me that at the moment we don't need complicated sentence structures but just such banal syntax messages. "Really. I speak quite honestly now. I know I... I'm not very good at these things. I can't be romantic, I can't talk nicely about love. Fuck, I can't talk about it at all." I laughed nervously, aware that Minhyung was constantly watching over my miserable rubbish. "But if I'm supposed to live with someone, spendblife with him... you are this person and..." I broke down, fighting with tears. I started very well. From crying. I was proud of myself. "Damn, I don't think we were even planning to talk about it," I sighed in a trembling voice.

"Come here," Minhyung said suddenly with a warm voice, spreading arms. "Lie down, it will be more pleasant," he assured and I nodded. The present arrangement of the bodies clearly didn't serve serious conversations about the old days. I cuddled up by his side and the boy wrapped me tight in the duvet. There was a stony silence between us for a while. I had no idea how to start.

"Hm... after your disappearance... for a while I hadn't been going to school" I finally started at the moment that seemed most appropriate to me. "I was shocked, I was sad about it, I had no idea what happened. At one point I thought it was my fault. You didn't speak up to me, you didn't call..." I muttered under breath, unable to fully mask some kind of reproach and disappointment with Minhyung's behavior. "Nobody told me if something happened. I already knew what exactly I felt to you and that it wasn't something shitty. Then it seemed to me very serious. It seemed to me that I couldn't live in such a way, that an important part of me died and I would never be the same" I whispered, wondering if it was already a love confession or not yet. Despite everything, that was my thoughts back then. "Now I know... I look at it quite differently, maybe that old thinking seems even funny a bit. But back then that was a tragedy."

"How long didn't you go to school?" he asked.

"Shortly. About a week. And later it was okay for a while. It really was," I assured. "My mom and psychologist said that I should go back to some old hobbys. I'm a kid and if I do something I will forget. I didn't forget, but mentally it was much easier."

"And what did you do?" Minhyung delved into the subject, kissing me gently on the top of head.

"Singing, playing the piano," I admitted embarrassed. As a child, I wasn't really interested in such things. I was more into teasing people and making jokes.

"Singing?" he was surprised. "I never heard you singing."

"For the time being you won't hear it either," I laughed, sitting up. I was grateful to him for trying to relax the atmosphere this way, by simple questions about small things that didn't matter in a bigger picture.

"Why?" Minhyung asked, putting hand on my knee. I glanced at it uncertainly, timidly tracing finger along its edge.

"I feel cheap," shrugged. "Besides, I didn't do that for a long time."

"Alright. As you wish. I don't distract you anymore" he sighed, putting arms behind head. Minhyung closed eyelids and I studied his calm face in concentration.

"Holiday started" I was serious, automatically recalling that period. It was stronger than me. Those flashbacks. "Your birthday, the time we always spent during the summer break together" I explained exactly what was most important to me at that time. Happy moments, which with time re-activated all their traumatic potential, which was put to sleep by drugs, therapy and new hobbies invented by force. "I survived it, though memories came back. At that time came a card from Canada as well, somehow it all cumulated" I shrugged, concluding that the overall order of the things that contributed to my condition at the time, was quite understandable. "In autumn, the doctor diagnosed me with depression."

"Depression in autumn?" Minhyung murmured. "Autumn itself is such a pretty heavy season which conduces to bad mood. Isn't it too hasty for such a child to be diagnosed with depression?"

"I don't know," I shrugged. I wasn't a specialist in this field. Don't challenge doctors' decisions. It is commonly believed that they know what is best for us in terms of health."I only remember that I had a huge drop in mood, I fell into total apathy, I wasn't even able to get out of bed a few days in a row, I went down at school. Mom enrolled me into a psychologist. "

"It helped something?" Minhyung asked with great hope. However, I couldn't keep him in this.

"Nothing," I chuckled bitterly. "I was going to these sessions, feeling that it hurts me even more somehow. This woman didn't give a shit about me. She kept giving me some questionnaires, tests, we didn't talk too much."

"How long did it take?" he asked, wrapping the quilt around my hips more tightly. It wasn't cold in the room.

"One and a half year," I said. "Later I started attending to the music classes. It helped me," I whispered, feeling guilty internally. I was sitting naked next to the guy I missed at that time, after which I lamented. I was sitting next to a guy who came back to me, loved me and I loved him. I was sitting next to my guy and started talking about another one. "I met somebody there," I admitted after a long moment of deliberation to make sure I was doing well. I didn't have a past like Mark. I didn't sleep with a million, only with him. I didn't kiss a million mouths but only two of them. Despite all this, I felt Minhyung tensing. I was a little ashamed. "That was... it was a teacher," I whispered and then lowered gaze and began to play with fingers. "Sorry."

"You don't have to be sorry for anything," he said calmly and strangely softly. "I can't have any regret about you, Hyuck. For five years we have lived in different, separate lives. Such things happen, don't worry. This is normal."

"But you have such a strange face," I said, glancing at him. Minhyung sighed and rolled eyes.

"There was another guy in your life," he shrugged. "I'm jealous," muttered under breath.

"Stop it," I chuckled, poking his knee. "I was fifteen or sixteen. It wasn't that serious."

"Now you say that" he stated doubtfully. When I fell in love with Mark, I was even younger. The logical conclusion was that feelings for Minhung should be even easier to challenge. However, it wasn't so.

They say that the first love is remembered all life.

Maybe that's why.

"Well, then it was pretty strong infatuation," I confessed, thinking back to the piano lessons. Only thanks to them I was able to start functioning again. There was no point in telling Minhyung exactly what was going on between me and Frank. He will never come back to my life again and Minhyung will only get upset. "But after a year Frank went to an internship in the States and that was actually what ultimately destroyed me. I was able to overcome the loss of one person, somehow reconcile with it. But later someone leaves me again. Admittedly with explanation but... there was too much of it. I started to think there was something wrong with me. That there must be something in me that makes people leave. That I am evil, broken, attracted to misfortune and bad luck," I explained slowly. "I started to cut myself, went back to depression, lost friends and Haru appeared at school. I think that at this point the beginning of the end started."

"But you know it wasn't your fault?" Minhyung asked with concern, catching my hand. He ran finger slowly over the thick, glowing scar on my forearm.

"Now - yes," I whispered. "But once I didn't think so. I was convinced that it was me who was a problem. That there is something in me that makes people want to leave. I found that it would be better if I stopped interacting with anyone. That would be better for everyone if I just start living alone, without anyone around."

"What about Haru? Did he abuse you then?"

"Then it started."

"What about Jeno?" he asked immediately, as if wanted to panically find any positive person, private hero, to save me. As if he was escaping at all costs from the terrible thought that I was completely alone. Alone with my black thoughts. "He left you too?"

"No, not quite," I muttered. "I mean... you know... he was persistent. I just pushed everyone away from me. But Jeno was my silent companion even when I didn't want him to."

"But I assume that it didn't help you?" he said and I shook head reluctantly.

"It was a bit over time. Everything was rising, it was growing in my head, it was pouring. And I was getting more and more lost. Then I decided to find you, like I once told you" I smiled under breath as I remembered that childish, irresponsible prank and how I cried so much when I told Minhyung about it. "I got banned from going out form home for a week. Persecution at school, guilt for everything that happened, reminder of your unexplained disappearance, isolation. It was hard and in a teenage head it really looks a million times more dramatic, much worse. That's why..." I started but wasn't able to end sentence. _That's why I wanted to die?_ Saying this aloud sounded a bit childish, terribly stupid. _I wanted to commit suicide?_ It didn't cohere. I didn't want to sound like that fifteen. I showed my hands to Minhyung instead. "That's why I did it," explained. "I wanted all this to be over."

"I would love to tell you that I understand but..." he murmured, dropping gaze. I shook head quickly, denying it. I meant exact opposite of it. It wouldn't sound good, as he said he fully accepted my decision. _Well, you wanted to disappear, Hyuck. This is a very brave decision._

"I don't expect you to understand. God forbid. I'm glad I didn't kill myself, really," I said quite frankly. "When I woke up in hospital, I cried from feeling of happiness and relief that I was alive... I wanted to see you again, see mom. Suicide in my case wasn't a deliberate decision. This was the production of the moment I surrendered."

"Jesus, Hyuck..." he whispered with a pained expression.

"I know," I interrupted quickly, placing finger on his lips. "I know, Minhyung, really. It was total stupidity, I've worked it over a million times with a psychologist."

"It's not about it... just..." he sighed heavily, sitting up against me. "What would I do without you? I mean... You know, I came back here with thought about you in mind. I don't know... I just can't imagine now... You understand," he whispered irrationally.

"I understand," I said, dropping gaze. "I assured everyone that I wouldn't do it again. That I don't want to die. But they placed me in the psychiatric hospital anyway."

"For a year," he muttered under breath. It's been an awful long time, true. However, my mother insisted, doctors didn't rule out a possible threat to life and I just obeyed.

"For a year" I confirmed calmly. There was silence between us. I had no idea what to say next. Staying in a psychiatric facility was not a daring one. I would say it's very monotonous. Still the same classes, same people. Some suicidal people like me, others more seriously sick. I tried very hard to get out of there as soon as possible.

"Why Haechan?" Minhyung suddenly asked, gently curving fingers against my thighs. I sighed.

"For a good start," I explained. "The psychologist said I had problems with accepting myself. To cut off the complexes, she proposed that I have a Haechan nickname. If my peers would call me by it, it would be easier for me to re-enter social contacts."

"Helped?" he wondered skeptically.

"Surprisingly," I nodded. "They called me that name at school and after it, at home. It was a little easier, I could cut off from what Donghyuck did and create something new as Haechan. But even a change of name won't help when you're having it all on your body." I laughed bitterly, making circle with hand over my skin.

"Stop it," Minhyung said firmly, seeing my face clearly. "To what extent, what you have done yourself, affect who you really are? To me it doesn't matter at all," he assured. "For me, you will always be only Donghyuck. A few scars in one way or the other doesn't change anything. "

"You sure?" I asked with some doubt. The term _few scars_ was very reductionist, considering that it was impossible to point any of my limbs that weren't cut, that weren't scarred.

"Yes, of course. Are you crazy?" he laughed as if I really said something ridiculous. "If these scars are part of you, then I love them just like everything else. Hyuck, you little, stupid boy. I fell in love with you, not only with your body. You're handsome, I admit it. You have a lovely skin and wonderful eyes," he muttered, tapping each of the listed parts. "Lovely nose and full, rosy lips which should have smile when I say all these compliments, not be embarrassed," joked as I looked down. "I mean, if you were the prize idiot, total moron and bear, then even those lips wouldn't help you."

"Thanks" I responded in bitter-sweet manner, though I haven't heard so many compliments for a long time.

"Jesus, you know what I mean," he growled.

"I know, I know," I said quickly, covering his mouth with palm for the thousandth time that evening. "I just beg for no more because I'm _really_ embarrassed," whispered, kissing his nose quickly. "Let's just go to sleep and pretend we have met already with this knowledge about us years ago and we fully accept it. I don't want to feel like a couple with the past."

"But we are the couple with the past," he laughed, covering us with a blanket. I felt like our naked bodies were clinging to each other under the sheets and it was no longer awkward. This nudity seemed to me quite natural.

"I know," I whispered, nestling up to Minhyung's arm, which embraced me.

"Mind you it's nothing bad," he said after a moment's reflection. "We can sell people a bill of goods that we've been together for 10 years with a break and with the baggage." I laughed. It was actually quite a tempting proposition. "And then there will be: _wow, it must be true love. So many years to withstand and not to kill each other_. And we will say: _mhm, look and admire,_ and at home we will be at loggerheads," he whispered, kissing me on the cheek. It came to me that Mark was doing what I was afraid to do - he imagined our common future. I was silent. "You want to tell me something more?" he asked after some time when it became clear that there would be no confirming comments from me. I was like that. Withdrawn and frugal in words, paralyzed by fear that I will say too much, that I will dream too boldly.

"I don't think so," muttered uncertainly, wondering how many secrets we still had and we were hiding them. "And you?"

"Besides I love you, I don't think so. But I won't tell you this because you will be embarrassed. Oh, ups, I told you that already. Sorry," he recited drowsily and I laughed.

"Good night, fool," I whispered, knowing perfectly well that I wouldn't sleep sooner or later.

"Goodnight, honey."

_I walked the school corridor, drowning in my own thoughts._

_I wanted to be nobody._

_I_ _wanted to be invisible._

_But that didn't work. It is never that what we really want, magically fulfills. At least not in my case._

_I felt a heavy tug on my shoulder, then ended_ _as usual on the wall. I didn't protest. There was no point in doing it. The sooner they start, the sooner they finish. I've always been so deluded, always afraid of coming pain._

_They laughed, surrounded me from every side._

_They defied, humiliated and kicked._

_Still._

_One more time._

_Continually._

_Constant suffering._

_"Oh fuck, look,"_ _Haru screamed in amusement. "Fairy wet himself."_

_The laughing carousel has no end._

♥

Hysterical wailing jolted me awake. I turned to the side and saw Donghyuck, who was holding head in hand and the other covering his mouth to suppress the sob. He was breathing very fast and tears were falling from eyes.

"What happened?" I asked stupidly, hugging him tightly because that was all I could offer in a zero-understanding situation. Hyuck shook head, breathing spasmodically. He had to have a bad dream. I bunched up to him but stopped at once when I felt something wet on my hand. I pushed the duvet aside, seeing a large patch on the sheet.

"I'm so sorry," Donghyuck gasped, taking breath rapidly.

"Nothing happened," I whispered uncertainly, not quite knowing how I should behave. "It happens," I added, slightly out of the initial stupefaction. "Go to the bathroom. There are different clothes in the closet in the corner," I said, pushing him gently out of bed.

"But..." he started uncertainly, sniffing. I interrupted him.

"I'll take care of it, don't worry about anything," I assured, though was completely lost.

"I'm sorry," he repeated weakly, slipping off the bed.

"Stop it now. It's really nothing," I muttered, dressing the boxer's, which lay on the ground.

When Donghyuck disappeared behind the bathroom door, I shook head in total disbelief, wondering what exactly had happened here. I looked at the huge stain on the mat and sighed aloud. I took the nearest shirt, wondering what to do with this forfeit. I've found that there is no need to spend the night worrying about such stupidity. I grasped the sheets carefully by the corners, put them on the quilt and wrapped everything in a ball, taking to the bathroom.

Donghyuck was standing fully dressed in the middle of the bathroom and looking at me with a guilty and embarrassed look on face. I sighed and put the stinky laundry in the washing machine, poured the liquid, add powder and set on the daily laundry program. I yawned.

"We'll be in the guest bedroom today," I said, rubbing tired eyes. "There is no point wasting a night on cleaning. I'll do it in the morning," murmured. I hated being sleepy.

"I'm sorry" Hyuck muttered once again for the hundreth time in the last ten minutes. I looked at him extensively, coming closer. I grabbed boy gently by the neck.

"Once again I'll hear that word from your mouth, I'll strangle you," I said quite seriously. There was no need to make a mountain out of a molehill.

"It's just embarrassing," he whispered, dropping gaze. I believed it is. Embarrassing and uncomfortable but it happened. There was nothing we could do about it.

"I don't acknowledge anything like _embarrassing things_ between us, Hyuck. Everything is possible" assured him. The boy opened mouth to add something but I put finger to his lips and shook head with a disgusted grimace on face. "We're going to sleep, honey. Now" I decided. "I don't want to hear any stupidity," whispered, kissing him quickly in the lips. Donghyuck nodded reluctantly.

♥

I was sitting with Jeno on a bench near the headteacher's office. I told him briefly what had happened to me since the beating thing, not afraid to mention even the most embarrassing moments. He already knew too much about me. Several new things couldn't shock him that much.

"I still don't understand why you let him fuck you," he said, as if it really was the most important information of all he heard. "Cool that Mark wanted and you felt guilty and empty, so you exposed your ass. But don't you think you should want it too?"

"I know," sighed heavily, really feeling bad that I lied to Minhyung. "I had to do something with my thouhgts. Escape."

"So you made yourself free whore, perfect," Jeno said with disarming lack of tact. I rolled eyes.

"I can't be a whore if person I had sex with is my boyfriend. I don't regret it. It was nice and I don't think it would make sense to delay it so long anyways."

"As you think," waved hand and so faithfully stuck with his stance. "What do you think, what will be the end of the headteacher's conversation with your mom and Minhyung?" he asked after some time.

"I have no idea," whispered. "Minhyung was really pissed off today."

"May he not say and do nothing foolish," Jeno said.

"I think he can control himself..." muttered hopefully.

♥

"I would suggest that this should end in social work for the school," Moon said, confident of his own. Man was an educator of Haru. It was clear that he wanted to solve it as much amicably as possible. The boy's mother looked hopeful that such a thing would pass again and her son had all of this probably deep in ass as he sat sprawled in a chair, dreaming of the end of the meeting. I felt like this situation made my blood boiling and I was getting ready to fight with a senior and a colleague. Donghyuck sensed changes in my mood better than a detector created just for that purpose and clenched fingers quickly on my thigh, immediately taking hand back. The headteacher spoke.

"I'm sorry, Taeil, but this time it cannot end this way," he said, massaging tired temples. "The boys have an age that makes them responsible for their actions. This is not the first such incident but some in turn already. I will have to report it to the police and the case will go to court," he said quite seriously. There was silence in the room. "I'm sorry," added after a moment, shrugging. But he didn't feel too sorry. No headteacher wants to have similar things in his school.

"After all, the children are constantly beaten at school" Haru's mother protested, leaning over the table. "This is all about the age, isn't it?" she asked rhetorically, searching for understanding on our faces. She didn't find anything.

"Fights are fights, ma'am, and bullying remain bullying," Mrs. Lee said indignantly but she was ignored.

"Donghyuck, tell the teacher, how it really was, hm?" she pleaded the boy. "Nothing happened, am I right? Haru will apologize you and this case will end, hm?" he whispered hysterically, looking expectantly at Hyuck, who drew eyebrows and looked at her sympathetically. I knew this look perfectly. It told me that Donghyuck was able to nod her just to make her feel better. Such a personality he has. A little too good heart. I decided to intervene when the boy opened mouth.

"I'm afraid the last word has been said in this matter," I said firmly, wanting to cut off any discussion. I preferred to have Hyuck back home but meanwhile he sat here senselessly and listened to these stupid things. "I personally think we can end our meeting on this stage?" muttered, looking inquiringly at the headteacher. The man confirmed with a nod.

"Mr. Lee is right. Negotiations don't make any sense..." Haru interrupted the teacher's speech, rising from the table. He walked out, slamming the door.

"I'm so sorry for him," the woman added, running immediately behind son. The men sighed loudly, peering at us knowingly. When the door closed again, we were surrounded by silence.

"Donghyuck, I let you go today from classes," man said suddenly. "You can go home. We also should go back to our duties," he suggested.

"I would like to exchange a few words in private with Mrs. Lee. Would it be a problem?" I asked kindly, not wanting to present myself as Canadian rube.

"Of course" he didn't object. Man only patched jacket and added, "Just don't be late for your classes." I nodded in response. When there were three of us in the room, a strange silence appeared. This was the first time I talked to Donghyuck's mom in such a straightforward way. I would lie, saying that I didn't stress a bit. "Will you wait for us in the corridor?" I asked the boy, who almost immediately glared at me.

"Do you have any secrets from me?" he asked with a warning tone in voice, suggesting that he would remind me of this for the rest of life.

"Honey..." I muttered wearily. "Just wait, okay?" I asked nicely, placing a small constraint between the words. Hyuck looked down, sighing.

"Okay," murmured, coming out of the office with reluctance. Mrs. Lee smiled subtly, as if were amused by our exchange of words. She came to me slowly and sat down at the table. I did the same thing, taking the place opposite to her.

"About what did you want to talk to me?" asked after a moment, interrupting the silence. I clenched fingers on thighs, feeling their growing sweating.

"Maybe it sounds strange... so straight from the shoulder but I would like to ask how..." I swallowed. "How should I deal with him properly?" I finally let out, still not looking her in the face.

"Something happened?" woman was curious.

"Yeah... Although not quite clearly," I scratched head, losing words. In its own way it was awkward. I breathed in. "The point is... Donghyuck woke up from a nightmare two days ago. He was all shuddering, breathing abnormally fast, and... he drowned the bed," I whispered, sending a distressed look to boy's mother. I found in her eyes a great deal of understanding. After all, it is logical that none of what I said was alien to her. "I realize that this is not all and I wonder... what else can I expect?" There was a deep silence between us. I saw that a woman was wondering, maybe looking for the right words or maybe she didn't consider me worthy of having this information. Maybe she sees somebody better beside his son. I've always been afraid of it.

"That..." she muttered, smiling uncertainly under breath. "Donghyuck..." she stopped again, sending me an apologetic look. "You definitely need to prepare for huge swings of moods. This is something that in the long run is really, terribly nerve-wracking. It exhausts mentally," she said quietly, studying my reaction carefully. I think she was really afraid of scaring me. "Nightmares are very common. Donghyuck has strong panic attacks. It is very difficult to calm him down and when he starts to hyperventilate, it is almost impossible," she admitted sincerely but still uncertain as if she was afraid the information might harm me. It was really hard for me to understand all this but I also knew that it was a very useful knowledge and I had to have it. "I haven't been able to control it myself in the last few years. There are days when..." she thought, searching for the right words. "...when he completely spaces out. You won't do anything with him then. These are sudden drops of mood, which means that in the morning he can be stable and in the evening you won't have contact with him. Then you just have to sit with him and be close, wait until it ends."

I buried face in hands, trying to put together a few extra bricks in head. I accepted it. In the end, it was Donghyuck, but I didn't expect such a burden on shoulders. At first glance this boy is like any other, maybe just more gloomy. But he didn't show me such mood swings. I didn't think it would be so hard to get living with him right.

"It's a little crushing, isn't it?" Hyuck's mother cautioned, clutching hand on my shoulder. I nodded affirmatively, feeling warmth from her fingers. Motherly warmth. I thought I was going to burst into tears. So long I didn't feel a woman's hand on my body. Aunt was never able to fully replace me my mother.

"Everything fell on me practically at once. And... I try to lay it out somehow in head." I sighed heavily, rubbing tired eyes. "It's terribly hard, really," I admitted honestly. I haven't told it anyone before. I didn't have anybody to say about it. Donghyuck's mom was the first person I could express myself that I couldn't mentally and emotionally stand whole this situation. "The worst part is that I can't show anything to him."

"If that would be too much for you..." she began uncertainly, flipping eyes. "Please, tell me earlier. I will have to prepare myself for it."

"What do you mean?" I frowned, not quite able to decipher the information she wished to convey to me.

"If you want to leave him, Minhyung," she said frankly. "I will also have to prepare for it."

It floored me. I looked at her in silence, what she returned. I couldn't believe that anything like that even went through her head. I never took a similar opportunity into consideration. I simply don't want to do that because in life I wouldn't have decided on such an escape.

"I don't ask you those questions to hightail to Canada by immediate flight," I said honestly. "I... I know how it will sound. Crazy" I laughed, rolling eyes. I knew that I would say these words to my boyfriend's mother, whom I talked to for the first time and quite seriously about our relationship. "I plan a future with him," I said simply without hiding any cards. "I can't imagine it without Donghyuck," shrugged, smiling under breath. " _I know_ it will be hard," confessed, placing the emphase on the first two words. "It's very hard for me now. But I won't give up. Never. I love him...," I whispered the last confession with a slight shyness.

"He loves you too, Minhyung," she said calmly, sending me a warm smile.

"I know," I sighed heavily. "Although it would have been nice to hear it from him at least once," I chuckled bitterly.

"Donghyuck is afraid of these words," she said.

"Why?" I was surprised, completely not understanding it. It didn't hurt anyone.

"Because when he wanted to tell you them last time, you disappeared. He's just afraid that if he'll try to do it again, you won't come back to him again."

♥

I stood under that door and stood. Waiting for mom and Minhyung seemed to take ages and I didn't like it at all. Some secret talks that concern me but at the same time exclude my person from this discussion. I had the impression that some decisions were made behind the wall that would determine some aspects of my life - and I had as always nothing to talk about. I was again incapacitated.

When the doors finally opened, I could see their depressed faces in full glory. Minhyung passed my mother in the doorway and then came over to me.

"What have you been doing there for so long?" I asked, raising an eyebrow.

"We talked you out," boy said straight from the shoulder, not even trying to use any masking story. Cheeky.

"Well, I don't doubt it," I sighed heavily, crossing arms on chest. Minhyung grabbed my nose between fingers and shook it sideways.

"Mom takes you home, unbearable brat."

"What, are you fed up with me already?" I asked, raising a questioning eyebrow with slight indignation.

"Me? Not at all" he smiled coyly under breath. "I never have enough of you," he said seemingly carelessly but his gaze blew me over. I felt that I was beginning to blush. I hoped that mom didn't notice anything because she seemed to be absorbed in looking for a bus connection to home. "I told you I like to listen to you," he added after a moment of silence innocently. I laughed.

"Are you going to stop?" I asked with amusement and embarrassment. Minhyung shrugged and looked at watch.

"Okay, I have to get down to work," he said. "So...?" glanced at my mother. "Goodbye," he said, slightly bowing. "And see you, honey," he whispered, pecking my forehead as he cleared throat. I dreamed of him taking me with him now. I didn't want to be alone here. I didn't want to go back to my room. I wanted to go home with Minhyung and not leave boy at all.

"What were you talking about?" I asked when we left school in silence. Mom sighed heavily. I knew that she would tell me with great passion that it was the adult world and so the content of their conversation. But it concerned me and she knew perfectly well that there was no right to hide it from me.

"Donghyuck... do you want to spend the future with him?" she fired suddenly and I was a little confused.

"That is not the answer to the question," I said sourly and the woman rebuked me with a look. I looked down. "In what sense?" I muttered.

"Do you see both of you, together, for five, ten or fifteen years ahead?" she asked quite seriously. I squeezed mouth into the narrow line.

"Yes," I let out a moment later.

"That's good because he sees you this way too," she added simply.

"So I have nothing to count on finding out what you were talking about?"

"No."


	15. Fed up with loneliness

People are leaving us. 

I never doubted it, I never denied it. I had been experiencing it every day. Someone was in my life, someone turned their backs to me. Over time, the wounds healed and the new ones ceased to arise. Loneliness has become my daily basis.

However, there are people from who you cannot easily get away. Even after years their faces, their silhouette and the warmth they gave us are still alive and hurting in their own way. The most painful are relationships, which for many reasons cannot be renewed, which are unattainable for us. I felt that kind of regret at the moment, looking at the sad, neglected gravestone, the existence of which had been forgotten by the whole world.

"You can't even imagine how hard it is for me now, mom," I whispered in a broken voice, wiping wet cheek with the back of hand. "What should I do?" I asked the question in empty space without even looking to anyone for reply.

I sighed heavily, twiring sourly at the bouquet of flowers I bought after classes. I haven't thought I would find her grave anyways. Donghyuck's mother set me on its position, although in her memory this track also faded. I was too concentrated on my pathetical self to notice the woman's embarrassment. Thinking about the idea of going to the cemetery only when problems began to overwhelm me with heavy iron curtain of thoughts was woeful. That's why i wasn't able to contempt her - as if I could have a grudge agains her, even though I did nothing myself to change actual state. I was a master of postponing and now I had to face all the consequences of this action.

The sound of the phone ringing ripped me from reverie. Donghyuck. I cleared throat quickly, picking up incoming call slowly.

"Yeah, honey?" I greeted strangely, feeling the specificity of the tone I used. I looked into the cloudy sky. It mustered up for a storm. Heavy air was platering face.

"Something happened?" he asked anxiously. I winced slightly. _You're not in a relationship with a fool, Mark. You're a poor actor._ I turned back on the tombstone. Its presence distracted me even more. Another relic of the past.

"No, why are you asking?" I pretended to be surprised, receiving a heavy sigh on the other side of the phone. I looked at car in the distance.

"Because you have a terribly strange voice," he explained the obvious obviousness, which made me even more embarrassed. I wanted to end this conversation.

"Nothing has happened," I assured. "Why are you calling?" I murmured, coming down the escarpment. The atmosphere of the cemetery obviously overwhelmed me. A long silence answered me. I looked at the screen. The call was still active.

"Mmmm... We were supposed to meet but it seems to me that you forgot," he said calmly, as if exactly had expected it. It struck me how awful moron I was that I let him predict such behavior from me.

"Oh god, Donghyuck, I'm so sorry," I said honestly, speeding up pace.

"Nothing happened", he replied with resignation and tiredness in voice. I guessed that it was knackering him more than he was showing, that low spirit which was giving me a pain recently. It was bad for us but I couldn't change it. "I'll just go home," he said calmly, without much emotion. I swore under breath.

"I will be in twenty minutes, will you stand it that long?" I asked quickly, sitting behind the wheel. I started the engine, still waiting for a response that didn't come. I left with the crunch of stones from the cemetery car park.

"Minhyung... I have the impression that you prefer to stay a little alone today, so maybe I just..." he began cautiously but I categorically interrupted what he wanted to say.

"I don't want to be alone, Hyuck" I said quite seriously, totally solemnly. There was a long silence on the line again. "I'm fed up with loneliness."

♥

I was sitting on the stairs in front of the house, shivering a little out of the cold. I didn't know exactly what had happened to me lately but everything just wasn't fine. This part of my life, which should make me feel better, has become an aversive stimulus in the context of further existence. I no longer knew whether my depression affects the perception of the outside world through the prism of the negatives themselves, or maybe it is the depression that creates the depleted surroundings. Sometimes I wanted to stand over a kind of river of oblivion, to erase the last few weeks and try to implement any elements of harmony into the picture of my everyday life.

Minhyung rushed into the driveway, quickly getting out of the car. For some time he was terribly moody and miserable. I had no idea what was bothering him but somewhere in his heart and mind there was a scar. This kind of splinter, which can't be soothed without a substance that has no shape and a concrete definition. This component of non-concretization was the main problem with which the boy apparently couldn't cope alone. He simply wasn't capable of donig it by himself but he didn't want to include me as a component of remedy for his personal problems as well. I just wanted to hope that it isn't me who is the cause of his current state. I wanted to believe that this cause lies somewhere else, somewhere outside of us, in a different reality from which we would be able to cut ourselves off with joint forces.

I didn't even notice when my cheek had been nicked in a hurry by such familiar but recently foreign lips. The feeling of warmth that appeared so quickly also quickly went into oblivion thanks to the cold breeze that would herald the coming winter.

"I'm really sorry," he whispered feverishly, struggling with the door that eventually yielded to him.

"And I say that nothing really happened" - yes, I say, but I am not heard. I walk slowly into the house, where the warmth of the interior greets me.

"Are you cold?" Minhyung asked frantically, glancing at me briefly. I didn't get his attention for more than a second.

"No" I lied.

"At least that's a good news," he answered so quickly that I wondered if he had ever registered what I said to him or simply expected such a response from me and automatically duplicated one of the patterns we had created in our relationship. The clank of keys on the table top killed the silence in the room for a moment. "What kind of tea do you want?" asked, putting water in the kettle. I didn't answer, looking at him as if was hypnotized. I felt tears in eyes. I didn't want such a relationship. All I could do was to wonder what I was doing wrong. That it was good earlier. That everything couldn't screw up like that. That we were not supposed to be this way.

"Mark?" I whispered shyly in a hoarse voice. I couldn't eternally be a passive element of the universe.

"What kind?" boy asked absently as if didn't understand that I had just spoken his name for a specific purpose. Or maybe he just didn't want to understand it - as usual. I approached him slowly, putting hands on his chest hesitantly. Minhyung covered them with his own and when I thought he will push them away, the boy clenched fingers on it.

"What's happening to you lately?" I asked in a whisper, staring at our hands. I didn't dare to look boy in the eye.

"To me?" he was surprised. "Nothing. Why are you asking such a questions?" murmured gently, lifting my chin up. I looked at Minhyung directly in the eyes and felt that my own start to fill with tears.

"It's because of me?" I asked quietly, sniffling.

"Honey..." Mark whispered gently, embracing me with arms. I melted completely in his grasp, clenching hands on the fabric of his shirt. "Of course it's not because of you," he assured me, sighing heavily.

"What is actually happening?" I asked, moaning, completely surrendering to emotions under the influence of the boy's body heat. Minhyung only sighed heavily once again, placing a kiss on the top of my head, where he rested chin later. I felt his hands gently massaging my back, wanting to create a semblance of a warm relationship between us. I was listening to Mark's heart beating peacefully in the chest and to a regular breath that was to this beating acompanying. It took a long moment before he decided to say anything.

"I was at the cemetery today" he muttered reluctantly, quite elusive. However, I came to the conclusion that every single information will be worth its weight in gold.

"Mom's?" I asked calmly and he confirmed with the quiet _yes_. I knew he wasn't on the grave of parents since coming back to Korea. I couldn't understand why he waited so long, but apparently he must have had a reason. I've never waded into it because the matters of the past, before his departure, were very delicate matters and evoked negative emotions. "What else?" I continued after a moment when the boy remained stubbornly silent. Minhyung sighed heavily, as if to the end was deluding himself that I wouldn't dig into the topic. However, it was the first time when I had the opportunity to get out of him what was bothersome and destroying our relationship for past few days. I didn't mean to let go.

"I have... I have small problems with the house," muttered under breath, as if it was something shameful.

"How come?" I was surprised, leaning slightly out of Minhyung's shoulders to look into his face. The boy shrugged, focusing eyes on a point outside the window. I put index finger to the mandible of the blonde, turning his face back towards me. Mark grabbed my hand, quickly kissed it and put in his sweatshirt pocket.

"It turned out that he hardly belongs to me actually." Boy spread palms apart. I pulled eyebrows in amazement. I've never been good at forensic things. "I mean... the house according to parents' will belonged to me already as a child. All my life I was convinced that I was an only child, so I didn't even think that I could have any problems with the act of ownership. "

"Do you have siblings?" I was surprised.

"Funny, hm?" asked without a hint of cheerfulness, more bitterly. "Marriage with my mother was the second in my father's life. From the first one he had a daughter who theoretically has the same rights to this property as I do. "

"Where did she suddenly come from?" I asked, not completely catching all the threads. "After all those years?"

"She only learned about the death of my parents recently," he explained slowly. "I don't know how, I don't know wherefrom. My aunt contacted me about a month ago that such a case arose and should be resolved. "

"How?" I shook head from side to side because the whole situation was beyond my control.

"This woman lives in Canada. She let her know that she isn't intereseted in it, actually she doesn't care about this house but she also didn't want to give up it completely for nothing. If she can win something, she's willing to negotiate. "

"Do you think she'll give up this home?" I wondered, thinking about what would interest her in this plot on complete wilderness. If she wanted to keep this property only for herself, I guess she would be guided by pure malice because I didn't see a different motive here.

"I hope so" Minhyung whispered, smiling faintly at me, then quickly lowered eyes. I didn't understand why he was so worried about it. She let them know that is willing to negotiate. She didn't care about the house. I didn't want to believe that the blond told me everything. There was another silence between us.

"Moment" I said in disbelief, when something came to me. This thought hit like a speeding truck. When Mark raised an uncertain look at me, my thoughts only confirmed themselves automatically. I took hand out of his pocket. "You're leaving" I whispered in disbelief.

"I'm not leaving" he denied quickly and so unbelievably that even blind and deaf would have guessed that he was lying to my eyes.

"Mark..." I began uncertainly, giving him clearly to understand that I can perfectly see that he's making an idiot out of me.

"I'm serious," he interrupted with a determined voice. "I talked to my aunt and said it was said that she would try to take care of the entire legal side." Minhyung gave me an uncertain smile that should convince me of pure intentions and truthfulness. However, it did quite the opposite. Totally worsened the case because I subconsciously felt that the boy is planning to disappear any day. However, I didn't have hard evidence, I had nothing that could help me to build my feelings around some theory and I felt even worse. I was looking for a way out of this situation - to worry about whether to let go, to trust or to make a fuss? I hugged Minhyung cautiously. I was terrified by the prospect of being hurt again, which seemed to be approaching with tremendous steps.

Why would he lie if he planned to come back?

♥

I was afraid to leave him.

I had no idea how he would react. I was aware that it wouldn't be easy. I felt like I was leaving him again, although it was a matter of a few days of separation, nothing serious. In Korea, we sometimes had much longer breaks. I understood, however, that this difference in the countries in which we will be staying played a significant role.

But... Fuck. I didn't come back just to leave him now. I hoped he would understand this when it would be inevitable to tell him the truth. I just wanted to keep everything to Christmas, until the new year, so as not to destroy all this winter atmosphere.

I began to gently brush the hair of a boy who was sleeping peacefully on my chest. I had time until January. I wanted to convey it to him in a gentle way. Pray for him to be rational and believe me. I didn't understand this perverse fate. How come we all started to fall head over now?

♥

When I woke up in the morning, Minhyung was still asleep. Yesterday, we talked a long time about what is happening in our lives lately - both private and common. Although the life together didn't flourish that much. Monotony sometimes also has its beauty but now I've seen it on average.

I was sitting quietly on the bed for a long moment and looking at Mark unhampered. In spite of his age, there was still a molecule of something charming and incredibly boyish in him. Even in the face of all the challenges and problems that grown up in own way, the boy somehow didn't allow them to make significant changes in physiognomy. Sometimes I had the impression that it was exactly the same as it once was. Maybe less angular and thin on the face and body but still blatantly similar. For sure Mark's heart was still as good as it once was and that was definitely the most important thing.

I ran fingers gently through Minhyung's hair, smiling under breath because of growing blond roots. I once asked him why he decided to change their color. He grinned and shrugged, then explained to me that wanted to stand out. When asked if he should return to natural, I denied. I liked it as it was now.

I slid slowly out of bed, quietly slipping out of the room. I threw sweatshirt over shoulders and went slowly down to the ground floor to make some tea. I definitely got a cold from that yesterday's waiting for Minhyung but didn't intend to tell him about it. If he didn't decide to break free from stagnation, then probably I would recover faster than he would have noticed.

Looking out of the window at the gray landscape, I felt uneasy. Anxiety about the ambiguity of everything that has surrounded us recently. I had the impression that the boy did not tell me everything. And certainly no longer provides information that would interest me most. Is he leaving or staying? Why didn't he answer me honestly for such a trivial question? On the other hand, I allowed such a possibility that I was simply searching for something that wasn't in the tone of his voice. This calm declaration wasn't meant to be a lie. As usual, I most likely made my life as complicated as always.

When poured warm water into mug, a knock sounded from the front door. I frowned in surprise, looking back immediately. I glanced uncertainly into the corridor, as if the probability that I had misheard something was really huge. Nobody ventured here. It was a total outback - around without a single living soul, the house stood like a raisin in the middle of a field surrounded on three sides by forest. The guests would really be something extraordinary. However, after a while, the knock sounded again and I decided to go quickly to the door, fearing that the noise would wake Minhyung up. When I opened them, a tall man in sunglasses appeared to my eyes. There was a fairly large suitcase at his leg and the boy himself was dressed... atypically. I began to wonder if he sometimes confused the addresses.

"Oh, man. It's Mark's little boyfriend!" he smiled brightly, surprising me with fluent English. I stood there, stupefied, staring at him with a huge question mark painted on my face. "Nice to meet you!" assured me once more in a foreign language, probably wanting to come inside. In the meantime, I was still standing in the doorway like a pillar of salt.

"You too..." I murmured answer in Korean. "But who are you...?," I added uncertainly, eyeing him from head to toe. Boy lowered glasses from nose slightly, looking at me with disbelief over the them.

"You don't know me?" he was really surprised, finally answering in the language of these lands. So he understood. "I'm a hot friend of Mark from Chicago," he said, obviously looking for a bit of enthusiasm on my face.

"Johnny?" I gave a shot uncertainly. I didn't know other Minhyung's friends, to be honest. I only heard this name in the positive context of blonde's past. After all, Minhyung spoke rather little about the people who were by his side in Canada.

"Well, you see?" Johnny was happy, patting me in the arm. "You know me," said, squeezing himself into the flat. It didn't even come to me very much, that I should invite him earlier. Though I had no idea who he was. He was a completely stranger to me. Even after this weird and clumsy introducing myself, I was still not sure if I should have let him inside without Mark knowing about it. Dude was a bit weird.

"Minhyung sleeps but make yourself comfortable" I said politely but kept a safe distance between us, just in case his intentions turned out to be less friendly than I had anticipated.

"Minhyung" boy laughed under breath. Well... That name must have seemed unnatural to him. In the end, he met him as Mark. I even suspected that we knew two different people whose visions during the days was about to be confronted. "You're really lovely," Johnny blurted out all of sudden looking at me from the other end of the kitchen. He leaned hands on hips and looked at me carefully. I embraced myself with arms. The awkwardness of this situation was slowly surpassing me.

"And what am I supposed to answer you?" I asked after a moment, shrugging. Johnny laughed brightly, shaking head from side to side.

"Nothing, really, I only state the fact," he replied calmly, sitting down at the table. "Nice to meet you. After all, you can't meet on a daily basis boy who leashed Mark Lee," he said with a disarming frankness.

"Leashed?" I was surprised.

"You know," shrugged, not explaining much. "Mark is not really the type of householder. Once here, once there..."

"Do you want a tea?" I asked calmly, breaking off his thoughts. I knew what Mark was like. Dot. I didn't want to know more.

"With pleasure" agreed immediately in weird manner. There was silence in the kitchen but I had the impression that it wouldn't last long. Johnny didn't look like the type of man who cherishes rich inner life in peace and silence.

I took out the first cup from the cupboard, struggling with the feeling of being watched. I didn't like new, urgent situations that I wasn't prepared for. In addition, there was a kind of sexual release and freedom of speech from Johnny, which was internally connected to the ease of making contact with others. He was everything I could never be - and it intimidated me. Suddenly, behind, the shouts of cumulated male joy were torn. A shiver ran through me and spilled sugar appeared on the counter. I closed eyelids, taking a deep breath and squeezing lips, reaching for the wet cloth to the sink.

"Well, I was right. As usual, you come for prepared," said Mark in English, in a voice as joyful as if he hadn't been a zombie during the last few weeks. I sighed heavily, noticing that this fact irritated me. I wondered if he had forgotten to warn me about his friend's visit, as had ignored the legal problems with the house, or if Mark really hadn't expected anything. Nothing would surprise me at this stage.

"You know me, these hands are not suitable for physical work," Johnny joked, as if only the two of them could understand the heart of the speech. And it was true. I was surprised how little it took to feel like an intruder in a place that was actually a second home for me.

"You get to know Donghyuck from what I see?" Mark muttered, gently embracing me from behind. When I felt his lips on my cheek, it came to me how hopelessy I was in love with this guy. I couldn't even be angry that he hadn't warned me about the arrival of friend. "What time did you get up?" whispered in my ear with a voice that still showed the signs of a recent rise and shine.

"Some time ago," I said evasively. "Anyway, recently" I assured because Minhyung didn't like it when I was spending time alone while he was asleep. The manners of the host were impeccable. 

"That's good," he murmured pleasantly, from which I inferred that he had a day of being lazy and would most likely return to bed and cover with the duvet. I didn't hide that I would like to do it too. However, we had a guest and none of this had a chance to work out. I combed Minhyung's hair slowly to show him that as soon as he will kick Johnny out, we can go back upstairs.

"I'm very disappointed with you, my friend," said the tall brunet suddenly.

"Why?" Minhyung was really surprised. He slapped me gently on the butt before leaving. I poured Johnny's cup with hot water.

"Because I know everything about this boy and he shows considerable lack of knowledge about me" boy pointed at me with an accusing finger and when I put tea in front of him, he put mouth into a silent _thank you_. I sat down slowly beside Minhyung, who instinctively put hand on my thigh.

"Because knowledge about you is dangerously demoralizing," Mark said quite seriously. I felt excluded from this conversation, even if it directly concerned me. I decided to take care of my own drink while it was still warm.

"Demoralizing?" boy from Chicago was truly surprised. If Minhyung thought his friend was demoralizing, I didn't want to know in which field he was better then him in youth. "Mark hooked you up already?" asked suddenly without warning, straight from the shoulder, until I choked on a tea that I had just taken to lips.

"That's why I preferred you not to get to know each other" Minhyung sighed heavily, falling back on the chair back. Johnny started laughing and for a moment my favorite silence reigned in the room.

"So when are we going to the clubs, since I arrived?" boy asked and Mark groaned, as if he was afraid of it. All this was only a catalyst for the anxiety that was growing in my heart. As if I still didn't know something, as if something important escaped me. "Don't just tell me you're still sitting in the house and not going anywhere," he mocked and Minhyung didn't answer. Johnny looked at me in disbelief. "You killed Mark Lee," he whispered dramatically, half-jokingly half-seriously. I didn't react. I couldn't.

"If you want, go to the city, I'll even take you there and pick you up but I don't want to go with you," Minhyung shrugged and I couldn't feel whether he was honest or not. He wanted a new life. He claimed that he had become a householder and didn't want to go out to people. However, in some way, he had to miss this energetic life, eternal party, movement and joy or fun. "Besides, Donghyuck wouldn't let me..." he murmured without conviction.

"Well, definitely not. Already at the start you can forget," I replied firmly, though I didn't mean it at all. I trusted Mark and I saw nothing wrong in his leaving to the club because I know nothing would happen. In spite of everything, I somehow felt the need to show that I had some opinion in this relationship that I wasn't just a passive observer of the decisions that were falling around.

"Oh, thanks, honey, for setting the limits of my freedom" Minhyung joked, perfectly sensing my bad mood. I smiled, nudging him with elbow. He knew I wasn't serious. That was enough for me.

"God, that's what they call a relationship..." Johnny said in disbelief and resignation. "Jesus, never let Johnny be hogtie with the chain of love" he laughed for the hundredth time this morning. I had the impression that all his life was so - funny, with a thousand jokes and nothing serious in store. Maybe this way of life was better, lighter, more carefree. It was hard to judge if it discouraged me, or if I envied Minhyung's colleague in heart that he had a different approach to life than mine.

"You're exaggerating. It's cool," Mark told him the same. In its own way, it was a specific sense of humor and reacting to everything with laughter was the line that connected them. I couldn't blame anyone that I was different and I couldn't connect to this scheme, I couldn't adapt.

"Because you've never experienced true freedom," said the brunet. "To love someone from childhood is like never being free," he added with nostalgia and I felt warm for a moment. If he had that information, it meant Mark introduced our relationship to Johnny this way. As a childhood love. It made me happy.

"I don't know...," Minhyung whispered, nudging my knee. I looked at him uncertainly. He was smiling, biting lower lip slightly and with strange sparkles in eyes. "I don't think we complain, hm?" asked, giving a luscious look - one of those I couldn't resist. Romantic Minhyung was the worst Minhyung ever - it was impossible to look away from him.

"I guess no," I answered shyly, slowly entwining our fingers.


	16. Broken promises

I walked slowly down the hall with Jeno by my side. We talked about the organizational meeting of the music circle and about which section we would like to enroll in. The group was supposed to start in March but due to the large number of interested parties, the headteacher decided to conduct preliminary entries now. I wasn't quite sure if I still wanted to have anything to do with the music but Jeno said it was worth a try. I still had a lot of time to think about it and, if necessary, give it up.

"How's your new company at home?" boy asked after a moment of silence when the subject of the circle seemed to be exhausted. I sighed heavily because it wasn't a matter I wanted to delve into.

"Odd," I said after a second of thinking. "Johnny is constantly chilling, going to the clubs... partying," I murmured reluctantly under breath.

"How about your divine boy? Is he a loyal companion of his friend?" Jeno said harshly. Recently, he was less and less fond of Mark. Actually, I had the impression that he never really liked him. The very fact of being prejudiced against the fact that Minhyung left, that he didn't make his presence felt. In particular, he hated things that Lee had done with his body in Canada. I wasn't thrilled about it either but it didn't mean that he didn't deserve me. Jeno just came into the role of my protector too much because this is a pattern he has been in for years. Since Minhyung left. With Mark's return, my friend didn't feel he should protect me less because I was cared for properly. He decided I needed to be protected even more.

"Noooo" I denied in the prolonged way, although I didn't have such a hundred percent certainty. "He only picks him up at night. He's still sleepy."

"Are you so sure that he only works as a free taxiout of sheer kindness?"

"Well... not at all," I admitted honestly, crossing arms. Somewhere in the back of head I had Mark's story about how he lived after moving in with aunt. He claimed it was a closed chapter and I believed it. But some kind of longing and temptation of the old way of life had to stay in him.

"If I were you, I wouldn't trust him so much with such a horny company," he nudged me with an elbow. I rolled eyes.

"Without exaggeration, please," I shook head. I knew who I was in a relationship with. Maybe Minhyung had something up his sleeve but I couldn't insinuate him cheating on me and all the rest of it. Suddenly, I felt a man's hand landing heavily on my shoulder. I shivered.

"It's nice to know, Jeno, that you are putting a knife in our relationship so well," Minhyung said in a low voice. "Fortunately, It's not dragging anyone here for infedility."

"You scared me," my friend muttered under breath.

"When you talk a load of shit, you can really be scared of your own words," Mark confessed with a false tone of understanding. He was angry. There was a long silence between us and the blonde's hand still didn't leave my arm. The awkwardness of the moment cut off any field for new topics of conversation. Everything started now would seem artificial. It would seem a distraction from the mistake made when it saw the light of day. When we reached the parking lot, I grabbed Mark wrist and gently slid that possessive hand off my shoulder.

"I guess I can't count on a ride today?" Jeno asked doubtfully near the car. I gave him a pissed look. Thanks to him, I probably had an evening out of the way. He should not add more things that would only worsen the situation. Minhyung smiled in disbelief.

"God has given you your feet, I assume that they work as well as your tongue," he replied and got into the car. I did the same, sighing heavily. It was going to be a pleasant journey. 

We rode in silence for a very long time. No radio played, no one said anything, everyone looked out of their window. It wasn't awkward or nervous. It was just... hard with the understatement and lack of explanation to the face that something that shouldn't have left one person's mouth had unintentionally hurt the other. When we entered the forest, I slowly put hand under Minhyung's, that was lying comfortably on his knee. We couldn't feel anger towards each other forever. We're often at loggerheads recently and that's enough. The boy silently tightened fingers on mine and began to sketch circles with the thumb on the skin of my palm - slowly and gently. But he didn't say a word, looking with a stone face on the road.

"You're angry," I whispered when we stopped in the driveway. The blond sighed heavily.

"And you wouldn't have been?" asked sharply. I had the feeling that it was much harder than he wanted to admit. We haven't talked much about how Johnny's presence affects us and how we feel about it. The boy is a friend of Minhyung and I tried to accept that. Minhyung, on the other hand, was somewhat between the hammer and the anvil. On the one hand, he had a friend with a problematic lifestyle and on the other hand, he had a boyfriend who was sniffing but didn't say anything. "I'm sorry," added almost immediately, when I looked down. Mark hardly ever raised his voice in general and never raised it at me. "I got off with the wrong foot," boy said quietly, resting forehead on my shoulder.

"I've figured it out already" whispered, combing Mark's hair gently.

"I'm really sorry," he muttered again after a few minutes.

"Nothing happened" I smiled, giving him a quick kiss.

We were just people - not statues of steel.

♥

"Ouch!" Donghyuck laughed loudly, slapping me on the thigh. "It hurts" he laughed again, pulling foot from my grip.

"You don't know what the real massage is," I said with a smile, leaning over him. The boy gave me a sparkling glance and moved eyebrows playfully. I shook head in disbelief. I brought up a monster. A monster that at the same time illuminated its surroundings like the first rays of spring sun.

"Can you be a little quieter?" Johnny asked with genuine irritation in voice. I gave Hyuck a confused look. We still haven't come to an agreement on how to solve this strange situation at home and what attitude to take towards it. The boy lowered eyes, rising from the couch. I slapped him apologetically several times on the buttock and sighed heavily.

"How much did you drink yeasterday?" I asked a hung-over friend.

"I don't know, man," he replied, as if already felt that he went beyond the mark sharply and it was time to end this kind of life. Or at least limit the consumption of alcohol and parties for some time. Let's be honest, Johnny loved that kind of life. He always said that even at old age, instead of joining a chess club at home for elderly, he would party wildly in the club with help of a walking frame. "This is probably a cumulative hangover from the whole week."

"It won't kill you when you sit a little at home now," I remarked with a sneer. It was impossible to live that way in the long run, although this principle probably didn't work in relation to Johnny. He was a party animal, actually since I knew him. After all, I didn't imagine that such behavior could go unnoticed for health and everyday functioning in general. I felt devastated after less than a year. Meanwhile, my friend was doing his best, living like there was no tomorrow.

"At home!," he muttered angrily. "I will be sitting at home when I'll return Chicago for Christmas," he said. I shook head in disappointment. Donghyuck was bustling around the kitchen, probably looking for some sort of false activity. He always did that when I started talking to Johnny about something he couldn't relate to. He kept pretending there was something somewhere to do and it's much more important then conversation with us. "Are you coming home for Christmas?" asked after a moment of silence when I looked at my boy's back a little too long.

"No, I'm staying in Korea," I replied, sitting straight on the couch.

"Auntie won't be happy," he laughed, knowing perfectly well how my _auntie_ looked like when something wasn't as she wished. A cruel sight. Because of that the man was beginning to enjoy the fact that he was in the distance of kilometers from Canada. It made it easier to escape the emotional trap of endless commitments.

"I know but I can say... ah, just fuck it...," I shrugged. "I want to spend New Year's Eve and New Year with Hyuck."

"All in all, you're going to Canada in January anyway, so one month or two should not make such a difference to her," he murmured in a tired voice, tilting head back and I closed eyelids when the sound of a glass shattering on the floor reached me. "Dong..." I started to pick up quickly but before I could squeeze anything out of myself, a loud crack of the front door warned me. "Fuck! Thanks a lot, man," I snarled, leaping from the couch. I grined feet blindly into first shoes in a row and ran out of the house. For now, Johnny's stay in Korea didn't give me any benefits. Until now, the boy has just been lashing up trouble on us. "Hyuck!" I yelled at the boy who stubbornly strode forward without turning even once. Snow was falling from the sky, covering the whole area with white fluff. "Donghyuck, come back!" I renewed request but this time I was ignored too. In the end, I caught up with the brunet when he was on the edge of the road. "Donghyuck, for fuck's sake!" I growled, grabbing him by the shoulder.

"Leave me alone," boy drew out through teeth and I knew he was on the verge of crying but wanted to look serious and determined with all his strength.

"I'll explain it to you," promised with a clear plea. I felt bad that I had failed again in some field, that I had done something that would keep us away from each other, that I had lied again and hurt him. Although I promised it would never happen again.

"Let me go" Hyuck shouted when I grabbed him by the shoulders but didn't break away and tears stood in his eyes - soon to flow down the red from frost cheeks. In Donghyuck's irises there was a cruel mixture of terror, regret and disappointment. I've never wanted to see such a picture in my life but it all was painted there and my heart ached. "You promised," he whispered finally with a shaky chin. And I could no longer judge what he meant.

I promised to stay.

I promised not to leave.

I lied on both occasions.

"It's only a few days, honey" I promised; this time truthfully. The boy shook head from side to side, wiping wet cheeks with the sleeve of sweatshirt. "Let's come back, you'll catch a cold," I plead. But when I stepped forward, he stepped back. "Don't make scene, for heaven's sake. I _will_ come back here! " I raised annoyed voice, which definitely didn't help and even made the whole matter worse. Donghyuck burst into tears for good, inhaling spasmodically. I put arms around him slowly, feeling that my helplessness is contantly increasing. I knew that I shouldn't talk to him in such a tone but all the emotional tension and nerves that hung in the air for a few days also gave me no peace.

"How should I believe you?" he asked after a moment, all hoarse. From minute to minute I felt more and more chill. The temperature could reach even minus ten.

"I don't know... go with me," I said lightly, acknowledging that it wasn't such a stupid idea at all. Donghyuck, however, laughed mockingly under breath, totally smashing such a possibility. "It's only a few days," I said again because I had the impression that in all this frustration the boy's mind didn't even register this information. I began to wonder if it would be better for me to tell the truth right away. It's hard to judge now.

"And why are you going there?" he grunted childishly. I was hoping it meant the end of the fetches and would finally start listening to what I was saying.

"In the case of this house, Hyuck. My aunt needs to rewrite it. "

"She cannot send documents by mail or... I don't know - anything else?"

"I need to go to a notary with her and legally get it all right," I said quickly, feeling hands slowly grow cold. I was surprised that the boy wasn't shivering. "Personally," I added bluntly, specifying that he wouldn't have any illusions that my presence with this procedure was necessary.

"You can't leave me again," he whispered suddenly. The brunet's voice was losing stability one more time.

"Donghyuck, have mercy on me, kid," I sighed heavily. "Can we finish this conversation inside? You're going to be sick."

"I don't care about it."

"Nobody leaves anyone," I said very slowly and clearly, accenting each word individually. "It will take me up to four days."

"You have disappeared for five years. I won't be able to stand the next five," he began to hysterize again. I lost patience. I caught Hyuck with both hands by cheeks and forced to look straight into my eyes.

"Do you even hear what I'm saying to you?" I asked sharply. "Four days, Haechan. Four fucking days," I repeated bluntly, seeking understanding in his eyes. The only thing that I could see was the upcoming torrent of tears. "Now you will come with me inside or I will take you there by force," I said as seriously and as firmly as I could. The boy stopped opposing.

♥

I sat on the bed wrapped in a blanket and tried to calm down. Subconsciously, I realized that my fears somehow caught up with a higher level of irrationality, that it should not exist. On the other hand, however, my body was not able to resist the impression that shaking hands are not one hundred percent unfounded reaction.

Everything caused fear. I couldn't explain myself in any other way. I looked at Minhyung and the only thing I could think about was how much I didn't want to lose him. I could not exist without Minhyung, not now. Maybe if he did not come back to Korea, maybe somehow I would be able to stick my life and in a few years go straight. Now, however, it was too late for such combinations. Mark re-entered my life.

He took my heart.

He took my body.

There was no turning back.

"Now you're not going to talk to me at all?" Minhyung finally asked after a long silence. He sat in an armchair in the corner of the room and probably hoped that in the end I would understand the meaning of his earlier assurances that he wasn't going anywhere without me. And certainly not for more than four days. Pride, however, didn't allow me to admit to the error. I would have to openly announce that the whole afternoon when I showed my deadly lèse-majesté was completely unfounded. That's why I chose silence. "Do what you want," he finally said irritably when there was no feedback from me. "I don't have patience for you anymore," he murmured heavily, then left the bedroom.

I breathed deeply, falling heavily on back. Dipping whole body in the soft bedding, I realized that I had apparently condemned myself to a lonely night. I didn't come to Minhyung to lie in an empty room without him next to me but had to try to understand him in my own way. Boy corked up his feelings god knows for how long just from pure fear that siutuation like today might occur. He was afraid of my reaction. I knew perfectly well that Mark didn't tell me the truth not because he never intended to come back and he wanted to punish me in January and leave me without a word. He didn't tell me the truth because he was frightened by the prospect of how I could react, what images my head would give me and how dramatic it would be.

After several dozens of minutes, I heard the stairs bend under someone's weight. Minhyung walked slowly into the room, heading straight for bed. I felt the mattress bend under my body which, after a while, was surrounded by an arm.

"Can I hug you or will u bite me for that?" he asked sarcastically, clinging to me along the entire length.

"I hate you," I muttered under breath, hugging his hand to chest.

"Oh, you finally mumbled something," boy remarked with a sneer, kissing me gently on the back of neck. I rolled eyes.

"After four days I see you back here, understand?" I said quite seriously. "If it takes you more than four days, you won't have a reason to come back here anymore," I said categorically, though I knew perfectly well that this wasn't entirely true and I would be waiting for him in Ansan to death. "Did it reach you what I said?" I asked a bit aggressively when I didn't get any answer.

"Yeah," he confirmed quietly, putting more weight on this word than I would have suspected. "I love you, Hyuckie," he whispered after a moment of silence. "Even if I really wanted to, I wouldn't be able to leave you."


	17. Fool for love

I always wanted to go to the Christmas fair in Seoul. For some families it was already a long tradition and for my - ordinary gathering of too many people in one place, which is better to avoid. We weren't really social at all. The father didn't maintain contacts with neighbors or work colleagues. In the case of neighbors, the smaller the familiarity the better because he was ashamed of the fact that his son was in the mental hospital and had suicide attempts. If such information spread too much around the area, he would definitely like to move. That is why life in solitude was, from his point of view, the most beneficial option for preserving honor.

Fortunately, Minhyung also absorbed this Christmas atmosphere. He was very happy when I mentioned that we could go to the city for such an event. I felt sorry for the thought that this year's holidays could have been the only normal one for him for years. I wanted to make sure that it'll be the best and the warmest. I've told my parents the version in which I go here with Koeun and Jeno. Mark only offered a ride out of pure boredom. Dad surprisingly has taken the bait. Since he thinks I have a girlfriend he didn't even go into details such as the time of return or what we intend to do there. It was a very pleasant feeling - no need to excuse from every second of your life away from home.

We didn't talk much and if we did, we didn't raise hard subjects that would probably only ruin our mood. I was slowly getting used to the idea that Minhyung was leaving soon and it was getting better and better to tell myself that he would come back. Boy kept persuading me to go with him but I wasn't able to do it for several important reasons. I certainly couldn't afford it and I couldn't let the boy pay for everything each time. I also didn't understand how I could explain my father such a long absence and if he found out I was abroad and in addition with blond hair boy, I would definitely be grounded to forty and get individual teaching at home. I didn't know the Minhyung family as a matter of fact. They were completely strangers to me and I would feel like an intruder entering their territory.

"Hey, I'll go and buy us hot chocolate, hm?" he asked suddenly, noticing the stall from which the hot vapors flared. I nodded head in confirmation, suppressing the coughing with the scarf. In recent days, I've been slightly in danger of cold. I was susceptible to colds since I was a child and evening walks with Minhyung didn't protect me from them for sure too. "You're coming with me?"

"No" I murmured. "I'll go there for spices," said, pointing finger at thestall in which the old lady was standing. It wasn't my real destination, although I planned to go there as well. I love fragrances that floated near such stands. In addition, always in similar places were original mixtures of various herbs that couldn't be found in ordinary stores. I couldn't resist creating a vision when I use it in the kitchen.

"Alright. Only don't move from there, I want to quickly find you later," he asked and I laughed, looking at him with affection. The only thing missing was that he handed me a special neon cap with the logo of the kindergarten I attended.

"I'm already big boy," I said with a sneer. Mark was sweet and very thoughtful but at times he exaggerated a little, as if was slacking off the fact that I'm an adult. I'm not five years old and don't need to be watched in case of running into a car. "I can handle it." In fact, I was drawn to a completely different stand, at which I couldn't be with Minhyung. That's why I tried to be convincing. The blond didn't have to hold my hand forever.

"For me you will always be a sweet baby" he smiled charmingly, kissing me quickly in the nose. For a while I was able to forget that we were in a public place and Mark must have forgotten that we were in Korea and shouldn't be kissing me so openly. After all, by some miracle this issue temporarily receded into the background. "See each other at spices," he whispered, then left to stand in a long queue for chocolate. At that time I went in a completely different direction than I promised.

When I entered the house, I felt like a huge lump of ice which begins to melt painfully. Cheeks began to pinch from the sudden change in temperature and hands uncomfortably prickle and tingle. I undressed quickly, dusting clothes form snow and went into the kitchen where parents were sitting and silently doing their typicall activity - my mother was doing crossword and dad reading the newspaper. Of course, everything done in silence because all communication skills died naturally between them during the years of marriage that eventually became a prison. A prison in which they inhere in because of habituation and sentiment to the years of youth and shared memories or commitments.

"And how was it?" The woman asked, taking a moment from entering letters into empty squares.

"Very good," I said truthfully. "We bought lights, ate gingerbreads and drank hot chocolate," listed with an angel smile, skipping a series of passionate kisses and embracing in the back seat of the car. These were the content that even my mother wasn't ready for despite all her tolerance and parental acceptance. Some revelations from my life should have been sensibly dosed.

"Where does Mark spend Christmas?" father asked unexpectedly, without interrupting reading even for a second. I exchanged glances with my mother. She quickly done her job, considering that I had asked her to catch my daddy up this morning. We have been wondering for a long time how to crash Minhyung into our family dinner. It was only a week ago that everything began to settle and we made the final decision in the morning. However, my mother was faster than the cartoon Road Runner.

"Mmm, I don't know exactly," I said falsely indifferently. "He didn't say anything that was leaving, so probably he's staying here at home."

"If there are no plans, invite him," man muttered under breath. It didn't suit him for sure because the disgust of the first suspicions of homosexuality will always remain. However, it was a struggle with the awareness that someone would be there all alone on Christmas. This one thing my grandparents did well in his upbringing. They instilled in him a bit of concern for the other person. After all, they were very religious people. "You can't spend that day alone" he excused himself in the way I just have been thinking.

"Okay, I'll ask him," I promised, unable to hide the smile of gratitude I sent to mother. The woman just rolled eyes and waved at me to show that I should leave the room until dad change mind. "I'm sure he'll be happy," I added leaving and then went to room in a hurry, pressing a gift for my boyfriend to chest.

♥

When I parked in the driveway of Donghyuck's parents' house, the pain in chest just got worse. It wasn't the official visit of their son's boyfriend at dinner who was to be greeted with a family party. Today I played the role of an ordinary friend, a childhood friend to be exact, who is homeless and has nowhere to eat a Christmas dinner. Despite everything, I was stressed. I wanted to look good in the eyes of my boyfriend's father because that's what the whole circus crashed about- him. I felt quite masculine and I didn't think I looked like a typical pussy. I was afraid that I would do some careless move towards Donghyuck or I would do something that would be considered fag-like and I would forfeit the whole intricately constructed plan that we created with brunet's mother.

"Will you be sitting there for a long time yet?" I heard Hyuck's voice in my ear as the vibrations of the telephone wrenched me out of my thoughts. I bent head over the wheel and saw him in the window.

"I'm stressed," I admitted honestly. "I'm getting a good hold of myself."

"Me too," he murmured uncertainly, instead of laughing it away and saying that it's nothing and I'm just freaking out unnecessarily. That's why I did what I could best - I was even more stressed. "But you won't change anything anymore, hanging around like a dog in heat in this driveway. Come on, at least we'll be stressed together in warm room," he suggested.

"Okay," sighed heavily, taking the keys out of the ignition. "Give me five minutes," mumbled.

"Okay, then... I'm waiting," he said calmly, ending the call and I took a deep breath.

"No, no. I intend to stay permanently in Ansan," I answered politely to Mr. Lee's next question. I tried to focus my attention on him. I knew that he was watching me carefully enough to notice when I look direct at his son too often. Therefore, I tried to give him all essential attention due to my willpower.

_He is the host, he is important and you're not in love with his son, who looks so wonderful that you would love to take him to bed here and now. Only peace can save you, Minhyung. You are a strong man._

"So you try to say that life isn't better in Canada?" he was surprised and I only prayed that he wouldn't get too submerged in political and economic topics because I really didn't have a clue about it. If I lived well somewhere - I lived there. Just like that. If I lived badly, I would change my place of residence. However, such liberal thinking would certainly not be to Hyuck's father liking. The libertarian value system tended to hurt his honor. Another thing was that, even if I didn't openly fight for acceptance as his son's life partner, I wanted to show that I would be intellectually worthy of him. That I'm not some random fool from the street but an educated man. I also had something of a man's struggle for territory, favors and resources. There was no point in hiding it. I felt the pressure of having to prove my own masculinity and competence. But I didn't want to be too aggressive.

"It's difficult to assess" I stated belaying. "Every country has its pros and cons. However, Korea is my real place of origin" I stated seriously and there was a good deal of truth to it. When emigrating, some part of the psyche always remains in the homeland. "Here I have a home, memories and now a job. In Canada, I left a lot of things that I miss but in Ansan I also left a piece of my heart" I smiled politely, keeping eyes focused on Donghyuck's father rather than Donghyuck himself. After all, he was my heart left here. Actually, not even a piece but a whole, fleshy organ full of love.

"Sentiment, then," he muttered under breath, putting radish sprouts in mouth.

"Definitely," I admitted, drinking quickly, sipping warm tea. The drink has always been a helpful escape, a moment of respite or gathering thoughts in a difficult situation. At the table there was a moment of silence, which Mrs. Lee very quickly and skilfully used. The reason was that women had a gift of sensing, when to chip in and how to direct the conversation so that it would be right. What can I say - thanks to her, I didn't spend these holidays on the couch in front of the TV but like a normal person - with theloved one.

"Donghyuck, honey, maybe you can show Minhyung your room?" she asked. "It's getting late and we'll deal with cleaning by ourselves.

"Are you sure?" boy asked in a worried tone. It occurred to me that I hadn't heard his voice for a long time. Brunet's father devoted all his attention to me, questioning fiercely about the details of my life for a time that seemed like an eternity. The rest of the family was silent and listened only to this whole exchange of opinions.

"Of course, honey," she assured, urging him with eyes, as if in fear that dad might ask another question. "Just don't stay up too long."

"Mhm" Donghyuck muttered under breath, getting up slowly from the table. I did the same.

"Thank you for a delicious Christmas dinner," I added from myself. "I am grateful for your hospitality."

"Oh, all the pleasure is ours, really" Mrs. Lee answered me with a warm smile on her lips. Mr. Lee remained silent. His hospitality apparently ended with a conversation at the table. Maybe that's better. "Good night, boys."

"Goodnight" we answered at the same time, going slowly up the stairs. On the way we exchanged glances from which we felt the desire to sprint quickly to the top but we had to do it with grace, calmly. After all, nothing interesting awaited us in isolation. Only a calm, good sleep with the hands on the covers.

As soon as the door closed behind us, I pressed Donghyuck tight to them, instantly joining our lips together. Considering the fact that these few hours of dinner were a real torment, in this second I compensated for everything. The boy gently bit on my lower lip, pulling it slowly towards him. So far, I really liked Christmas like that. I smiled under breath, ending this post-kiss with a quick peck.

"Never been in your room before," I whispered, pulling away from him for a second. I looked back. A cozy room of medium size appeared to my eyes. There wasn't much furniture here, also everything could be closed in the convention of a pleasant and warm minimalism of the most necessary things. The only lighting inside were Christmas lights reflecting a bright pink color. Visibility was limited by this but I was looking at everything I wanted. "Cuddly here," I said completely honestly. I liked it. For the last few years I've been functioning in rather large, open and free spaces. "That's for me?" I asked, looking at the mattress lying on the floor.

"In theory," Donghyuck admitted with a laugh, turning the key in the door lock. I gave him a fierce look, the boy answered to me completely innocent and seemingly devoid of any bad intentions. "Now you are my slave," he joked completely without any subtext but in my head his words had it already. We didn't play any strange things in bed, so I didn't quite understand my imagination right now.

"You're charming," I said quietly, kissing boy once more but briefly. I knew perfectly well that it would be better if we waited until his parents went to bed. Hyuck probably didn't want to risk it anyway so today's night will probably belong to the polite ones. We also needed these in our lives. Not everything had to happen quickly and violently, on the wave of desire. What I liked about us was that we were able to work on the rational side of our relationship. After all, not everyone can do it.

"Thank you" he smiled radiantly, which was rather a rare phenomenon. A very pleasant warmth poured over my heart. I turned him back to me and put arms around boy, placing head on Hyuck's shoulder.

"Guide me, please," I said and he laughed. Donghyuck nodded and took two steps ahead, then pulled us on the bed. Our bodies plunged into the mattress with a quiet squeak.

"This is the most important part of this room," he said seriously, giving me an amused look. "Namely, a bed in which we will experience a beautiful dream today" he explained with the manner of an aristocrat and the tone of a professional storyteller.

"I'll make it from the floor," I joked waiting for Hyuck's denial and his vision of an alternative solution to the form of spending our night together in this room.

"If you're naughty, it's undoubtedly," boy admitted, touching my cheek with fingertip.

"And if I'm a boyfriend for a medal?" I asked in a contrite way, grabbing his hand and kissing its inside. Donghyuck looked at me with eyes glittering in half-darkness. He was extremely charming today and it was hard for me to resist it. I barely was able to keep my hands off this kid. There were days when I became completely defenseless against Hyuck's charm and days when his charm did exude a special aura. And those days were a challenge.

"Then things can happen," he whispered, then bit bottom lip. A small, inconspicuous coquette with a devil's mind.

"Your parents are downstairs" I reminded him cautiously, though with a heavy heart I came to be in this situation the thoughtful half of our relationship.

"I don't believe that this is an obstacle for you," he was surprised, barely holding back a smile. "I can be quiet," boy said, bringing his face to mine. I felt Hyuck's hands disappear under my tuxedo. "And how about your discretion?" he asked quizzically, gently stroking my lips. I wanted to kill him - like literally.

"You are a real devil, Hyuck" I congratulated him when brunet sat astride me. Boy laughed delightfully, accepting my compliment with shameless joy. Maybe some sides of Donghyuck's personality were really forgotten but his dirty mind remained. Sometimes I was under the illusion that it had even undergone several stages of evolution.

"I know" he shrugged, still smiling. We looked at each other for a moment, then Donghyuck suddenly leaned to the right and pulled a box in x-mas trees from under the bed. "Happy holidays," he said, pulling it toward me.

"Oh my," I was surprised. I got up from the mattress to sit up. Hyuck slid off my lap and took the seat right next to me. "Thank you so much..." I looked towards the door. "Damn, I've left a gift for you in the car. Wait a moment," I asked, ready to leave but Donghyuck began to laugh and grabbed my hand, stopping that temper.

"Pull yourself together," he said calmly. "You better focus on your own. I'm not in a hurry."

"Honey..." I murmured uncertainly.

"Open and don't hone" he silenced me quickly. Hyuck was clearly excited and I began to wonder what it could be. I just hoped that he didn't spend too much money on it because I bought him a symbolic little thing and I would feel very uncomfortable in this situation.

"Okay," I sighed heavily and undid the lid. When I looked inside, I saw a well-known snowball there. I couldn't resist and snorted with laughter. A wonderful coincidence. We apparently split some of our brain cells in half. I couldn't explain this ridiculous coincidence otherwise. It is rare for people to buy identical gifts for Christmas without even consulting it beforehand.

"Don't you like it?" Donghyuck asked suddenly, misreading my reaction. "I know it may be a bit childish and not too fancy but I didn't buy it without a reason," he began to explain quickly and I felt tears well in my eyes. I had to have something from fag in me anyways. I was touched by really trivial things sometimes. However, I didn't feel particularly bad about it.

"Stop talking stupid things," I laughed, sniffling. I didn't fully understand why I let myself be carried away with such a feeling. It seemed so unnatural, forced. And it was just the opposite. My condition was motivated by an incredibly prosaic and childish emotion caused by some kind of nostalgia. Memories have great power to influence the present. Even if we would like to forget about an event burdened with a huge emotional load, then seeing an object from those days, we won't be able to defend ourselves against its return to the present times.

"Why are you crying then?" Hyuck was even more surprised, looking for answers that were out of nowhere.

"Why this one?" I asked out of curiosity, ignoring his confusion. I shook the gift like a rattle, picking up small, white particles of snow from the bottom. I watched the petals swirl around a large, nice, spreading tree and then slowly began to descend.

"Well..." he muttered uncertainly, carefully watching me play with a gift from him. "Do you remember this tree... this one by the lake?" he asked uncertainly and I nodded.

"I remember perfectly," confirmed. There was silence between us. Hyuck didn't continue. I looked at him with anticipation. He began to play with fingers as if the story suddenly stressed him very much.

"Then I... You know, it all began there..." boy muttered, avoiding my gaze. Too subtle and deep emotions scared Donghyuck. They embarrassed him but shouldn't. They were completely reciprocated and he knew it. Despite everything in the brunet's heart there was still a strange blockage.

"What exactly?" I forced him to continue with the hope that he would open up in front of me. Even if I didn't push and declared patience, the urge to hear a declaration of love burned me with a craving desire for immediate fulfillment. I wanted to believe it was a completely natural reflex. Whether it was - I just had no idea. In a tender relationship based on deep affection, we were both new. I took my first timid steps in this kind of being together. I didn't know anything about this type of partner relationship.

"That's where you stopped being just a friend to me," Donghyuck finally choked out. "Then, in this terrible downpour, I realized that I feel much more to you than mere friendship," he murmured, looking at me with the eyes of a beaten dog. As if he was apologizing for the fact that nothing deeper would come of it today. At least he made an attempt. And I appreciated each of these attempts because it brought us closer to something bigger and more complex. "A tree is a symbol... It was supposed to be a symbolic gift. I'm sorry," he sighed heavily, getting out of bed.

"Hey, what are you doing, what are you apologizing for?" I was surprised, immediately following in his footsteps. Sometimes I was prepared for changes in his mood but sometimes I still couldn't predict them. It happened so fast. "I'm very happy with this snow ball," I assured with a smile, taking Hyuck's cheeks into hands.

"Why did you react so strangely then?" he asked reproachfully. On reflection, I concluded that my reaction, without any explanation, could seem strange and out of the ordinary.

"You'll see tomorrow when you unwrap a present from me," I assured him. "You'll also laugh," I said, kissing boy on the forehead and then hugged him tightly.

"This curiosity will destroy me now, I guess," he murmured indistinctly into the material of my jacket.

"You can do it," I laughed, sending long gaze in the direction of Donghyuck's desk. In my eyes, I saw a frame with a photo whose existence I had no idea about. I got up slowly from the boy's grip, approaching the photograph which represents our two in some terribly shitty age of four years or something in this area. We sat on the swings and the day was sunny. I didn't have that memory in my mind. It must have escaped somewhere distant. The more I was happy that someone immortalized them. Right next to the frame there was a postcard which I gave him a few days after my arrival to Canada. This was the last form of contact with Hyuck that I made overseas. On the one hand, I was shocked that he kept it and, in addition, kept it in an extremely visible place. It wasn't a carrier of good memories. In spite of everything, I know that I would definitely do the same as him.

"Minhyung?" Hyuck asked only after a long while as if he didn't want to disturb me.

"Hm?" I murmured, glancing at him over shoulder. Brunet sat cross-legged on the bed with a mysterious expression. I slowly took off jacket and hung it over the back of the chair. I didn't want to crease it after just one use.

"How did we actually get to know each other?" Hyuck said with a thoughtful expression on his face. I approached brunet slowly and crouched right in front of him, putting hands on his calves. "Many times I have sought this moment before my dream, in my memories, but I couldn't find it at all," he said with a slight exasperation caused by helplessness. "I thought maybe you remember something."

"Because I'm old?" joked and Donghyuck shrugged, as if it could be a good, right cause. I looked at him in disbelief.

"Come on," he laughed pushing butt off the mattress straight onto my knees. "I was joking," he assured.

"Well, I hope you were joking, because you know... you won't hear a goodnight story otherwise" I tried to take a serious tone of voice.

"So you remember?" boy couldn't be happier. I nodded casually but I was really proud of myself that I remembered the moment despite the passage of so many years. People usually don't remember how they made their friendship. It happens so naturally that it's difficult to catch the moment when a special relationship is born between two unknown people. Especially, you don't remember such things after all these years. "Well, tell me, don't come a fool, you asshole" he muttered grumpily, jumping at me childishly.

"Asshole" I asked in astonishment. Sometimes I didn't recognize him. Boy sprang up at a surprising pace at times.

"Minhyuuuuung" moaned, pissed off.

"Okay" I sighed heavily, putting hands on the boy's hips. "It's nothing spectacular anyway," I warned him loyally to avoid any disappointments that might come along.

"Never mind" he urged me.

"Well, I know for sure that it was Sunday because I was coming back with my mother from the church. It seems to me that I remembered it only because the priest preached that if we are good people, then the happiness that we offer to another man will come back to us in the most beautiful form possible," I sighed, thinking about when the last once I was actually in the church. And it was a long time ago. In fact, for years there has been no god in either my life or my heart. Our separation took place quite naturally - we were not needed and religion became an unnecessary element for me, which senselessly occupied those areas of memory that could be used for more useful things. "Then I asked my mother if I am a good person. I don't know what I hoped he would answer me. That not?" I laughed because it was ridiculous. Normal mother wouldn't say that to her child. "In any case, she said that _yes, of course, but you have to be good constantly and not just for a moment, so you can't change_. So the opportunity presented itself to give expression to my immeasurable goodness and purity of heart. Because you see, when we were coming back from the church, you and your mother were walking towards it for the next mass," I explained, swallowing saliva. I haven't said so many words for a long time. Well, maybe only during Mr. Lee's interrogation at the Christmas table. "What are you doing?" I asked with a laugh when Hyuck undid the top button of my shirt.

"I prepare you for sleeping," he said calmly with an innocent smile with much less innocent hidden agenda. "Don't disturb yourself," he said. "You still have a tale to finish," he reminded me and I gave boy a long look when the second button was also released.

"Well, when you went that path, you hit the soil quite sharply. I wanted to be a superhero so I helped you get up," explained, watching carefully the graceful, filthy fingers of my wonderfully inconspicuous boyfriend. "Our mothers became friends and we became inseparable. They found that both of them don't have friends in the neighborhood and they live quite close to each other. What else can it be like not destiny?" I asked, sitting with a barely bare chest. It happened in the blink of an eye. I wondered if Mrs. Lee knew who she had raised under that roof.

"So are we stuck with each other?" Hyuck asked, sliding the material from my arms straight to the floor. I didn't take my eyes off his, in which danced flashes of desire. I caught Donghyuck's chin, bringing our faces closer together.

"For all eternity," I said quite seriously, pressing our lips against each other for a moment. Hyuck gave me an uncertain glance, as if was questioning it and hesitated a little but the flash could only be counted in seconds. The potential for this uncertainty has disappeared and been replaced by something more confident in his goals and aspirations.

"Perfect" whispered, then he kissed me deeply.

We've both been eager for some time.

Eager for love.

There weren't many moments that we could spend together and the day of my departure was getting closer and closer. We couldn't fool it. The fear lay on both sides and both of them dealt with completely different matters. It all just turned the whole machine. It was no longer just a matter of satisfying desire. We wanted to satisfy ourselves to drown out the aforementioned fears. Drown out these fears and come around about its illegitimacy.

I got rid of Donghyuck's shirt slowly, my lips brushing his lips and collarbones feverishly. Brunet slowly sank hands in my hair, then pulled them back. I laughed softly, catching him by the hips. Hyuck pulled himself up on hands to slowly climb up the back of the mattress. I was shocked that with his body at hand, I was still able to think rationally. I was hoping that Hyuck's parents sleep very well in a very deep dreamland. I didn't even want to imagine what would happen if Mr. Lee found me in a situation of being all over his son. I am afraid that I wouldn't leave this house alive.

In the end, we were completely naked and our bodies were illuminated only by the pale light of the Christmas lights. I spread Donghyuck's legs from side to side, taking up empty space between them. The boy's thighs reflexively tightened on my hips and fingers clasped my neck. The silence between us was interrupted every now and then by a few flicks and sighs. When I put my first finger in the brunet, his lips left a silent moan which I immediately suppressed with a kiss.

"We don't do such things," I laughed at his ear. "Master of discretion" murmured softly, gently biting the boy's neck so that it would not leave a permanent mark.

"Stop," he whispered in a broken voice, then stabbed fingernails into my shoulders as I entered him. "It was a bad idea," he panted, clutching fingers on the bedclothes.

"I remind you that you wanted it yourself," I laughed, then began to move hips slowly, suppressing Donghyuck's moans with my own lips.

♥

"I'm afraid of anold age," I said suddenly after a long silence that we spent watching the snow falling outside the window. I leaned bare back against Minhyung's bare chest. We sat on the mattress where the blond was supposed to sleep, wrapped only in a blanket.

"You're too young to think about such things" he sighed heavily, kissing my shoulder.

"But I think," whispered, shrugging.

"Unnecessarily, Hyuckie," Mark assured. "You still have a lot of time to think about your adult life."

"Not so much," I denied, turning to face him. I felt Minhyung's fingers move sluggishly across my waist. The boy sighed heavily and began stroking the scars on my thighs when I sat on him astride. On the one hand, I didn't like when he did it and on the other I was glad that he didn't see it as a defect and haven't seen any problem in these scars. They just were. In the end, I had to get over it somehow.

"What exactly worries you?" boy asked, combing my hair gently. I gave him an uncertain look.

"I don't have a plan for myself, Minhyung," I finally said, dropping eyes. "You have your writing... Jeno, Renjun and Koeun also have even selected universities for themselves," shrugged. "And I have no idea what I want to do."

"You have a whole year for it," he said with disarming lightness. As if already forgot how it is here. In Korea, you don't change studies and the subject in which one wants to go is given by parents sometimes in early childhood. For example, I didn't have a chance to achieve something as a doctor or lawyer. You have to be convinced about it at the very beginning, prepare yourself in a span of many years. Many roads have already closed for me and I didn't know if I could open them. "I see what you're thinking about" he laughed suddenly. "Do you know that the world doesn't end with Ansan or Seoul? On Korea or even Asia? Because sometimes I have an impression that you're not aware of possibilities somewhere out there. That there are so many different options, so many opportunities waiting for young people like you to reach out to them" Minhyung said with such emotional involvement that I felt really touched in this moment. Boy really believed it. He believed it so much that I myself began to feel like participating in this beautiful delusion. The temptation of idealism obscured my realism's stability. I couldn't judge if this was an adequate response at this point. "The language barrier is a myth, Hyuck. There are places in the world where you can start from scratch at the age of forty and achieve success."

"Canada?" I asked with a mocking smile. I didn't quite know why I used this tone. Minhyung wanted the best - for me, for us. However, I didn't trust his other homeland for the simple reason that I lived a childish thought and that it was Canada who took him away from me for so many years. Canada took him and destroyed us.

"Well, for example," he confirmed indulgently. I think Mark chose to ignore my remark. I was grateful because quickly regretted what had left my mouth earlier. "But not only. Many other places. "

"I don't know..." I murmured. I felt like a lifeless loser. No purpose, no passion, some kind of broken and worthless one. Meanwhile, I was surrounded by people with a future, plans for themselves, profession and career. I was simply depressed by the pursuit of the title and professional achievements. I felt I didn't fit with the participants in this race but at the same time felt a pathological need to become one of them.

"But I know," Mark said with conviction, kissing me quickly on the nipple. I laughed, leaning back. "Honey..." he began again, very seriously this time. Minhyung grabbed my chin gently. "Whatever you decide to do, whatever will be your passion, I will support you."

"Even knitting?" I joked badly with tears in my eyes. I wanted to somehow hide the fact that I am touched by such stupidity and obviousness as Mark's support, although I should simply pull myself together and work for a profit-making profession.

"Even knitting" he confirmed without hesitation. "Knitting in Cambodia," Minhyung added after a moment. "We will live in Cambodia then and you will be knitting day and night."

"You're such a fool" I sniffed and nestled in boy's neck.

"Fool for love to you".


	18. Come back to me

On the day that I was so scared of, I got up at six after only two hours of sleep. I wasn't tired. I looked out the window at the tree whose crown I always watched while Minhyung was still asleep and I had nothing to do with myself. The branches were bare and innocent. So susceptible to breaking by too strong gusts of wind. Completely defenseless, at the mercy of favorable atmospheric currents...

I wasn't tired.

I was just helpless.

There were things in our relationship that I had absolutely no influence on. There was decision-making process beyond my reach. I faced a very difficult task to trust and believe. I had terrible problems with that. These kinds of demons in the life of every human being that there is no way to drown. I could only accept it and wait a few days for the finale.

Pleasant or not.

In the morning we went for a walk. The cool air prickled our cheeks a bit but gentle kisses and physical activity managed to resist it a little. The sun today was effectively hiding behind what I might describe as a frozen fog. Some rays reached us but not too much of them. We were throwing snowballs at each other like little kids. I couldn't resist the temptation that we did that in school too. At the time, however, I wasn't aware of how much history likes to repeat itself. I was also not aware that that winter was our last time together. Despite these fears, we made a snowman just as we used to do in the past every winter holidays. Long after its creation, it still looked at me defiantly from the garden. I hated it. I felt as if he was judging me and his smile, made of small coals, had a mocking quality. A relic of the past, a fucking voodoo doll. He was standing there saying: _Do you remember me? I came back to take the same thing from you which I took last time. You won't run away from me, Donghyuck. I'll always be faster._

But overall it was very nice time. We joked a lot, we laughed a lot. In a word - we didn't mention the evening, as if it would never come.

After the battle in the snow, we jumped into the shower, which was supposed to be warm, short and pleasant but in practice turned out to be long, ecstatic and full of breathtaking sexual sensations. If I ever doubted that I would see what an erotic heaven looks like, then life deprived me of all illusions. Minhyung offered much more than I could have imagined, although I didn't have a comparison. I didn't need it. The boy's hands seemed to be touching me on the off-chance, as if a few days of separation would erase the image of his lover's body. I was actually doing exactly the same, letting the blonde do whatever he wanted with me. The impression that we're making love in advance did not improve my mental condition.

Still, I tried not to think about it.

In the end, we had a short nap with an alarm clock at 5pm, so that Minhyung would be able to pack up because the flight was only around midnight. This time I had no problems falling asleep. I cuddled up in the boy and almost fled away lulled by the warmth of his body and the steady heartbeat. Before I began to dream, a thought appeared in my head that every day could be like that.

Forever.

I sat at the edge of the bed and watched Minhyung put things in a small suitcase. _At least it is small_. That's what I thought. _That gives a certain amount of hope_. In general, I felt better than I initially thought. I didn't hysterize too much and I didn't feel as if I was balancing on the edge of hyperventilation. I considered it a kind of success.

"Don't forget the towel," I murmured uncertainly, noticing that he was about to close the suitcase.

"Do you think I will need it?" Mark thought aloud. He put hands on hips and stared down at the contents of the bag. "I'm going home, in the grand scheme of things. Such gowns just take my place unnecessarily."

"All right," I sighed heavily.

"It's only a few days away," he added after a moment of silence and looking into each other's eyes. He knew perfectly well what was in my head. Minhyung is sometimes more aware of these fears than I am.

"Which doesn't mean you have to overgrow with dirt at this time," I said quite seriously and Minhyung laughed.

"That's right," he nodded. "You have a point."

♥

  
"I'm afraid you have to let me go," I murmured, increasing the density of a hug around Hyuck's shoulders. He was right. It was completely different from the weekly parting here, on the spot. In Ansan I could always get in the car, go to Donghyuck or invite him here, bump into him at the school corridor. In Canada, I was unable to fulfill a similar whim. The departure for a few days somewhere thousands of kilometers from Korea differed from the weekend trip on its territory.

"I love you," Donghyuck whispered so softly that for a moment I began to wonder if these words had actually come up from his mouth. I looked at him uncertainly. The boy's eyes glazed slightly. It was my automatic reflex to embrace his face and squeeze those cheeks full of irrational fears. "Come back..." he began uncertainly, pausing for a moment to swallow emotions. "Come back to me," stuck out, resting forehead against my chin to hide embarrassment and divided loyalties.

"I'll be back," I laughed in response, barely hiding what a huge impression his words had made on me. We've both experienced something new now. Something new dressed in the same horrible outfit of old fears and understatements. I didn't think I would be able to shake it off until my return. "I love you like a madman," I assured. "I'll be back before you miss me," promised.

I was picked up from the airport by my aunt. In heart, I was hoping for a lonely journey home, checking in peace what has changed and what remained the same as it used to be. However, since passing through the gates, I was flooded with an avalanche of kisses, hugs, questions about my general sensation, Donghyuck, his psychological well-being and complaints about me avoiding her calls. Therefore, a meeting with Canada after a long time was not a respite for me but a more overwhelming experience.

"And what about Donghyuck, why didn't he come?" she asked for the choking up the silence that had come between us. She knew the answer to that question perfectly well. We've been through this a million times. And yet she asked. I sighed heavily.

"I told you on the phone," I murmured reluctantly and texted Hyuck that I'd arrived. Throughout the flight I was wondering what he was doing, where he was, how he was doing. Maybe it was a little bit stupid but I was afraid to leave him alone. And I was afraid because I went back to Canada, which was a place that had taken me from him for five long years. Such things cannot be ignored. They go on for years. Together with the boy's mother, we also promised to stay in touch if needed. I was paralyzed only by the stupid thought that if something bad had happened, I couldn't show up right away.

"Right, right" aunt said under breath. "What are you planning next?" she asked when we got to the car. I put suitcase in the trunk, closing eyelids firmly.

"What do you mean?" I sighed heavily, slamming the trunk lid. The woman looked at me over the roof of the car.

"Well, you know what all the loving couples do after a while, after dating. Next step" my aunt shrugged as if it were that simple. I even had no idea if she was considering living together or trying to force us into marriage right away just to make sure someone else was controlling me.

"Too early," I said, taking the passenger seat. However, with the slamming of the door, this vision didn't leave my head. To have Hyuck with me every day? Plan our future together? Make a bigger life commitment together - live as a marriage? It was all beautiful visions to which the road was blocked by too many obstacles. Tempting but not that simple. Age, money, time, the decision itself. These are all the big words of young people who want too many things and can't do enough about them. There was too much uncertainty, doubt and distrust in our relationship to be able to start such conversations. This trip showed it wonderfully.

"Why?" auntie was genuinely surprised as if she had already completely forgotten what it looked like in her country of origin. Homophobia, problems with making a career and thus - subsistence, student-teacher relationship, potential studies of Hyuck. Where in this all there was now room for what she said and asked for. I didn't have the strength to explain it to her. I just wanted to end as fast as possible the case for what I came here and quickly return to Korea. "You know each other your whole lifes!"

"It's not the same," I said, looking out the window. "You know that..." I added in a whisper, trying to somehow speak to the sensible side of her personality which she often hid behind a carefree mask.

"How's Johnny feeling with all of this?" aunt asked quite seriously. The boy was almost like a family member to her - maybe a little further but still a family. For many years, he was present in the life of the only child of her tragically deceased sister.

"No idea," I replied truthfully. "It's hard to psych him out," said quite seriously. Even between me and Johnny there are topics we obliged to forget, don't touch them like they were way too forbidden to even think about. It was one of them. We pretended that the problem doesn't exist. After all, _friendship above all else_. A cursed oath that tires out more than makes life easier in the present situation. "He acts as always - young, sexual, dangerous."

"It must be hard for him," she said with nostalgia, starting the engine. In this one, I agreed with her. I also thanked that aunt didn't judge anything but respected our decisions as adults who found themselves in a somewhat complicated and awkward situation.

"Looks like it," I summarized, cutting the subject. I hoped we would never return to it.

♥

  
Before leaving, I got from Mark set of keys to his home. _Our home_ , as he corrected me sometimes, although we didn't live together and it wasn't going to change any time soon. Maybe it was nothing but I felt a bit like holding part of a boy. Keys taken for the body. Such an arrangement gave me a kind of comfort, a psychic security that built a barrier which didn't let in the thought of being abandoned. In the current situation, it meant a lot to me. It was incredibly comforting and allowed to somehow survive day by day. Besides, Minhyung texted me often. Boy was asking stupid and pointless questions, so I knew he was doing it on purpose. To reassure me that he really does not intend to break contact now. A bit pathetic. More on my part, as I made own boyfriend felt compelled to do so by my hysterical, disturbed head.

My father traveled often. He went abroad in business - mostly to Japan. At that time, I usually lived with Minhyung and my mother quietly consented to such attempts, although she was sincerely afraid that someday our secret would come out. Now I sat at the blonde's place alone. It was not an extremely pleasant way to spend my free time because I could have spent my days in the company of mother. However, I was in a state of wakefulness and waiting. I expected a return of a boy. More or less expected - but definitely a return.

"We have a new tenant," I told Minhyung on the fifth day of his absence.

"There is not less than a week and you're bringing someone home?" boy asked in disbelief. I laughed softly, taking the animal in my hands.

"Look" I brought the stranger closer to the laptop screen. "As long as you're not there, it is Mr. Cat. You like cats?" asked hopefully. I didn't want to make him an orphan now. He had just finished wandering and found shelter.

"I like" Mark admitted without much enthusiasm. He didn't look good. Clearly something was bothering him. It looked like Minhyung didn't sleep well there. I was afraid to ask what was going on but apparently he was going to tell me himself anyway. I didn't want to force guessing. His teenage life was so rich that it could have become literally anything in Canada. "Donghyuck..." he began uncertainly with a sour face.

"I'm listening" whispered reluctantly. I knew I didn't want to hear it. The truth was, I had a little guess about everything he wanted to communicate. Not that boy no longer exceeded the bottom limit of absent days I gave him.

"It'll take me some time here... A little bit more time then I previously expected," Minhyung finally choked out searching in my eyes even small amount of consideration through a thin laptop screen. I looked down and there was a long silence between us. I didn't know exactly what to feel about this situation. When you expect something but still hope it won't be it. Despite everything, it turns out that you were right. This kind of dilemma. "Came out that we still need an uncle to sign the papers as well. He is now in the delegation and just..."

"How long?" I interrupted him, letting go of the cat who decided to escape from the thick air around me. The animals sensed the changes in mood very well.

"Week" murmured quietly. Almost as softly, as if he hoped I wouldn't hear him at all and he could get over the answer.

"I don't want to talk to you," I said simply, pulling the screen down. I was angry and disappointed. The probability that an argument would arise after this exchange was very high. And I didn't want to argue. I didn't want to talk either, so we had to end this way.

"Hyuckie..." I heard the boy's feverish request before the laptop crashed in half.

"Fuck you," I snarled to myself, then stood up violently from the table.

♥

  
I was away for more than two weeks and felt that after this time I actually don't have anything to come back to. I parked near the house with a terribly heavy heart full of unknowns and question marks. I had no idea what was going on with Donghyuck because he hadn't spoken to me for a long time and with that frustrating pigheadedness he refused all the telephones that I tried to get to him. For a moment I was wondering if I would be tempted to call his mother but quickly gave up. I promised her that I would do nothing that would lead her son to break again. On the other hand, I risked that it was already after the fact and something like that happened.

When I pressed the front door handle and it gave up under pressure, I let out a huge sigh of relief from mouth. In fact, it didn't mean anything for sure but it gave me hope. Finally, I took a deep breath when the sound of the radio set to the maximum reached me from the kitchen. Now I could only worry about the course of our confrontation but I already considered the very presence of Hyuck at home as half of the success. I dropped the bag in the corridor and quickly took off shoes. Without a second thought, I hurried to the landing from where, down the stairs, soothing all the senses humming was reaching me.

Haechan hung the laundry, singing a winter ballad under breath. I loved his voice, although I did not have much opportunity to listen to that heavenly, honey vocals. Donghyuck either was ashamed or simply didn't want to sing because he did it so rarely that hardly ever have a stab at doing it. Usually I could overhear him when boy was deep in thoughts during cooking or cleaning. These were the only situations in which he forgot about surroundings and moved to the world of imagination.

I leaned arm against the door frame and watched for a moment as he undid the clothes. Donghyuck was turned back on me so I could calmly enjoy his voice for a moment.

I watched the arms of the boy and shoulders that stretched with each stronger jerking shirt or other item of clothing.

I watched neck that bent over the task and for the last time didn't lose any of its original tan.

I watched long, slender fingers that calmly and precisely distributed the underwear on the line, reminding me with the redoubled power of which miracles they were capable.

In the end, I couldn't stand it. I knocked three times on the frame, giving Donghyuck a scare so strong that he shivered and immediately looked back with horror. When our eyes met, the initial amazement on his face was replaced by a callous, stone mask. From behind the boy's arm a cat who had been sitting on a window sill looked at me with curiosity.

"Hi," I said uncomfortably when it occurred to me that I didn't have much to expect to initiate any conversation on his part. "I came back," I added after a while when Hyuck's reaction was still null. I had the feeling that boy was torn between slapping me in the face and hugging, so that was always a positive reaction. Any emotions were better than not having them at all.

"I told you that if you won't be here in four days, you have no reason to come back," he stated matter-of-factly and calmly, reaching into the basin for the last sweatshirt. Once more, he regaled me with the view of back, beating clothes from water much stronger than it probably was needed. I bit lower lip thoughtfully about how to get out of this retort. He was actually right.

"But you must have waited for me, huh?" I asked with an uncertain smile. A blank shot may be but hope is the last to die with the fool who had it. Boy sighed heavily, leaning against the edge of the dryer. There was a really short and meaningful silence between us. The radio was still playing somewhere in the background but no melody could turn the tension between us into pure relaxation.

"I already have the skill," Donghyuck said finally with a sneer, bending down to take empty basin.

He measured the empty space between me and the other frame. Without contact, Hyuck had no chance of squeezing into the corridor. Even if he really wanted to, our bodies had to rub against each other. I didn't intend to let him go now. I missed, worried and irritated because od his silence my entire last week in Canada. It was a real torment. So now I've already planned the rest of the day without asking him for an opinion on this matter.

"I'm sorry," I said slowly approaching Donghyuck who moved basin from hip to stomach right away. I sighed softly, reprimanding mymself for being naive. When Donghyuck really wanted, he could be a terrible crud. Provoked, boy turned into a real devil. I looked at basin very skeptically. There wasn't even the option that this piece of plastic would stop me in any way. "Come on," I asked, moaning. Haechan raised eyebrow provocatively smiling brazenly under breath. "Hyuck..." I muttered warningly.

"You can dream of it, Minhyung," he said quite seriously and with clear satisfaction that he has something I want very much and has the full right to decide whether or not he will give it to me now. "Train your imagination," Hyuck added with a smile dodging me with nose high. Little shit. For a moment I stood in place with hands on hips and disbelief painted on face. In the end, however, I shook off this strange trance. Exceptional situations require special actions. I couldn't give up now. I didn't want to. I got to brunet still in the corridor.

When I pressed him to the wall, basin fell with a loud crash to the floor and then rolled down the stairs somewhere down. I was amazed by no sign of resistance from Hyuck. On the contrary. The boy smiled under the pressure of my lips, pulling me closer to him even harder then I at first initiated. Devil. This word still perfectly determined him despite the passage of years and various events in our lives. This hellish part was still in him and I thought that nothing would be able to spit it out. When my knee fetched up between his legs the corridor was enchanted by a wonderful, melodic groan that could only leave those full coral lips that I had just covered with my own.

"I hate you" he whispered between one and the other with a sigh of pleasure.

"Stop lying," I laughed, lifting him up over my hips.

♥

"I'm still angry," I said, combing hair of Hyung who lay naked between my legs, resting chin on lower abdomen. I breathed calmly with eyes closed, enjoying the warmth of the boy's body. I never thought that I could get addicted to anything in my life. However, I didn't take into account that people also act like toxins in a way. They become more dependent on each other every passing day and when left alone, they cannot cope with the heart-rending void of loneliness.

"Donghyuck, let's live together," boy offered in response, turning a deaf ear to my statement. I froze in one pose, combing messy hair in a neat motion to the back of head.

"What?" I laughed, not being able to react differently to such a serious offer said so suddenly and directly. Minhyung shrugged, lifting body slightly on elbows.

"We already have a cat, we have a home" he calculated calmly and with a serious face, without even a hint of a joke. It scared me a bit. Thinking of us in very adult terms made me want to pack backpack immediately and run home. I would have left in 10 years when I would have matured to decide if I was even ready for all this shit. "Let's live together," offered again, kissing me gently in the stomach. We looked at each other for a moment expectantly. I couldn't find the right words for this unusual proposal for a long time.

"You say it in such a way as if it were simple, almost banal," I noticed finally. On the one hand, it is comforting that after being together for such a short time, he is just right now able to say that sees me by his side for longer and more seriously. I thought about us like that too but I didn't have the bravado and self-confidence to want to decide about everything just here and now. My imagination and its products had a very recreational character.

"So what? It's not like that?" Minhyung frowned in lack of understanding of my resistance and doubts. We love each other, of course. But love doesn't always justify and enable everything. We didn't play in romance.

"I am underage, Minhyung" I explained this very important fact he apparently forgot. The blond's look told me that it was still an zero obstacle. "I don't have a job, I'm still at school - studying, I'm completely dependent from parents. You can't support me,I won't let you do that."

"But I want to," he said with conviction. I sighed heavily, feeling the huge wave of helplessness coming just right at me. Sometimes I wondered if he really is the intelligent man that I generally consider him to be. "I'm not fully independent, either. If it was not for my aunt, it would be much harder for me than it is but I can live off writing to the newspaper and the work of the teacher."

"I won't let your aunt keep us both. Son't be silly," I said firmly. Minhyung's words seemed to be far more than absurd. I couldn't take his request seriously because he didn't seem to be aware of its importance.

"I will find a better job," he announced tirelessly. I sighed heavily, looking at him doubtfully. The boy raised eyebrows in a silent question as to whether his proposal suits me. It didn't.

"Can we wait a bit longer?" I asked in a tone that revealed that I was falling into a light helplessness.

"Of course we can," shrugged. "It was just a suggestion," he remarked as if wanted to explain himself, as if had said something bad. And it wasn't like that. God! There was silence between us for a moment. Minhyung put a slow kiss on my lower stomach as if were still thinking intently. "But do you even want all of this shit I'm talking about?" made sure, glancing at me with emotion on the edge of panic. "I don't want to force you to do anything, you know..."

"Of course I want," I rolled eyes, sighing heavily. It always seemed to me that in case of our relationship I was sending signals that didn't raise any objections. I dreamed of living together with Minhyung but it was just too early to take such radical steps to make this desire happen. "Spending the future with you is something you don't need to force me, believe me," I whispered with a smile, combing the boy's hair gently. Minhyung smiled broadly, apparently waiting only for such words. He climbed up slowly to get to my mouth. I accepted them with joy, returning the kiss with a soft sigh. I missed him so much ... "Yes?" I asked, picking up the buzzing on the table, which interrupted our little romantic moment. I wiped wet mouth with the back of hand.

"Your father called and said he was coming home at night," mother said without useless greeting.

"I'll be back in the evening then," yawned, rubbing eyes. I haven't had any sleep at all lately because of that fool. I was waiting for his return like on pins.

"Minhyung already contacted you? Is it known when he arrives in Korea?" she asked, repeating the question day by day for a week now ever since I've told her my precious boyfirnd pissed me off terribly and now I want him to suffer, so I forbade the woman to contact him.

"He's already arrived" I brang that fact home to her, smiling at the blond lying between my legs. "Actually, just really recently" I added, biting lower lip lightly. I was barely able to contain a laugh. Minhyung looked at me with an expression that was fake shocked that I had no plans to tell my mother what we were doing in bed when he returned.

"Oh" she muttered, surprised by such a turn of events. I think mom believed in his return even less than me. Well, we were a pessimistic family. "How was in Canada?"

"I don't know yet," I laughed shyly, tapping Hyung's nose with fingertip. "I didn't have time to ask" admitted and shadow of embarrassment crept across my cheeks.

"Alright. Then say hello to him and remember to be at home eight," she instructed me like a little kid.

"I'll be for sure," I swore obediently, then hung up.

"Come back in the evening?" Minhyung asked with astonishment and disappointment that he didn't even try to relieve.

"Yes, dad comes from Japan," I explained.

"I've barely arrived and you're running away from me," he sighed sadly, which irritated me a little. It wasn't my fault.

"You could come home earlier," I stated dryly and coldly. "I didn't tell you to waste there so much time," I said straight from the shoulder, getting out of bed. I quickly pulled on the clothes scattered all over our bedroom and walked out of the attic with a dramatic step.

I admit, I was a bit incriminated with acting but Minhyung's departure emotionally distracted me. I couldn't stop violent reactions like this. However, after a while, the boy ran after me and forced me to repeat the whole scheme from a few hours ago again. This time on the kitchen table.

It would be a lie to say that I was oppressing.


	19. Frank

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is lost chapter which should be before the one I posted here last time. So the next one is "Spring Day" which appeared month ago. But I hope it won't cause any disturbance to the plot.

The day I got a substitution in Haechan's class looked completely different in my head than it actually appeared to be. I planned spontaneously to speak to the class, hand out a fragment of the novel for analysis and a card with questions and exercises to the text, then sit behind the desk and brazenly look at my gorgeus boyfriend, who took the last bench by the window. I wasn't at all ready for what happened to me. And it was a strongly feminine, flashy class that met me and attacked with a hail of questions definitely much beyond the syllabus or any existing curriculum.

_Where was I when I was gone?_

_What did I do in my free time?_

_How did I spend Christmas break?_

Questions about private life, about which these girls seemed to know more than I did. It was my first time seeing these kids. Meanwhile, some showed a disturbing interest in me. I definitely overestimated my anonymity. I could call it _being popular_ but I didn't want to. Popularity sounds like something I should be happy about, and yet I wasn't even comfortable.

Madness.

I sent a panicked look to Donghyuck, who actually was enjoying his time the best of all the people that gathered here. He looked at his classmates with obvious embarrassment, but clearly enjoyed looking at me losing confidence and the ground under feet as well. I suddenly became a helpless fish in an area full of predators. My friend dug a grave for me with her sick leave and this replacement. I wasn't able to defend myself at all.

"I spent all my free time in Canada," explained slowly, plopping down with butt on the edge of the desk. I assumed that until I won't resolve at least some of their doubts, they would not let me do classes properly how I wanted first. "Rested and tried to catch up family life. What probably each of you did this year. Nothing spectacular, so more interesting thing to do right now will be reading the text that I gave you. This is a very nice prose, that's why... " I started quickly but even such clever tactics couldn't save my soul and privacy.

"Are you taken, Mr. Lee?" the student asked. The rest giggled. I'll nut up today, I suppose... "Please, don't be ashamed, we won't tell anyone", she assured in a pseudo-innocent voice so the laughter of the rest of the class was repeated again.

"Yes..." I murmured. "I'm taken but these are private matters, so I am begging you..."

But this was the end of me.

"Do you have children?"

"That young!"

"But how... - taken?"

"I don't see the wedding ring."

"They live without a wedding?"

"There isn't a carriage which can't be detached."

"She's probably from Canada too."

"Silence!" headteacher roared, somehow breaking through the clutter that convinced me that being gay was the best thing that happened to me in my life. God forbid, I would have such a hustle and bustle every day. "Shame on you, girls! I swear to god, what a disgrace! Are you still proud of such behaviour?" he asked, scowling at them. Man must have been fucked with them. I felt pity for him. "Mr. Lee is as a replacement just for one day and you, as usual, show the worst possible side of your class!" he hissed. "I leave the door open and if I hear at least one question unrelated to the subject of the class, everyone will get a penalty without any exceptions," heeadteacher threatened, eyeing the charges ranting and raving. I gave him a look of gratitude but in exchange I received a non-verbal message that I sucked with a lack of pedagogical approach to youth. I dropped gaze and the teacher left the room, leaving the door open behind him just as promised.

"Sorry, Mr. Lee," a few students whispered and I just nodded in acceptance of their repentance. All in all, it seemed to me that every person in this room is on the educator's shitlist now.

"Let's take care of the text," I asked and sat behind the desk.

I waited impatiently for the class to be completely empty to quickly take stuff and enjoy break free from humiliation threat. It was mentally devastating experience for me and I was hoping that similar opportunity won't happen again. The next substitutions on the list in the staff room were already assigned to other people. It remains to pray that all my English colleagues will stay safe and sound.

"You're very popular among girls, Mr. Lee," heard a sweet, still mocking voice. I smiled under breath, writing slowly the subject of today's classes into the register. Due to momentary distraction, I started to wonder for a moment what I was doing in class today at all. Unbearable little shit. Finally, register was ready to be closed, so I slipped it under arm and stood up.

I looked at Hyuck with amusement. I liked the moment our eyes met like this. There was something unique, something special about it. Definitely also forbidden - after all, we both were at school in two extremely different roles. Maybe if we started from the same level it wouldn't be a problem. Nevertheless, sometimes even in the maze of limitations, it was possible to find space for romance. I ran finger over the top of Hyuck's hand, which boy held on the counter. Discreetly, of course, not abruptly. Within reason.

"It's such a pity that one boy from the last desk has already stolen my fragile heart," I whispered, sighing heavily. The school was cool in this regard that we could see each other more often and it sucked on this score that no touch came into play.

"Poor teenagers," boy joked. "You cannot do this to them," Hyuck laughed softly, keeping me in one spot with eyes. "Do you die of the desire to kiss me, Mr. Lee?" he asked so subtly that I had to read it almost from the movement of his lips.

"Yes..." murmured. I felt myself drowning in Donghyuck's eyes. Immerse in them, losing more and more ground under feet. "That's exactly what I'm dying for," I admitted shamelessly, gripping fingers harder on the register.

"So it's better for me to run away then because you'll have trouble," he said in a tone of, at least, seductive prostitute from the hot line for people seeking sexual sensations. I didn't know when, how or where he learned such things, but was a master at it. Master of driving me crazy and to the brink of endurance.

"Right, better run away, because if I start, it won't end just on a kiss" I warned him loyally.

"Pervert" Hyuck laughed, turning on heel.

❤

I left the classroom in an excellent mood. We risked many things by too long conversations, devouring each other with glances, small gestures. After all, it was exciting. Everything that is forbidden in some way affects us with its magnetism. Our little games in the classroom have always put me in such a state that I was completly forgetting about the God's world. Even now I carelessly approached the matter, bumping into some man who came around the corner. I've never been excessively flustered in my life. But when it came to Minhyung, I was completely out of mind and had no idea if it should make me happy or upset.

"I'm sorry" I laughed stupidly, dodging a man. When I was about to go on, I heard his voice behind and froze. All joy immediately evaporated from the cells of my body.

"Donghyuck?" he asked, very hesitantly and incredulous, as if had seen a ghost. Maybe he saw. Until recently, the probability of our reunion was round zero for me. And yet it came to fruition.

It was Frank.

Frank Inaldi.

Music teacher.

The teacher with whom I was once connected by much more than just love to the subject of his classes.

"Oh fuck, it's really you," he laughed loudly, immediately taking me in arms. Fortunately only for a short time. I couldn't hide my bafflement.

"What are you doing here?" I asked in a not so overjoyed tone. Because, in fact, I wasn't enjoying what had just happened.

"I came back from the States," he said with unflagging enthusiasm, which I didn't reciprocate. "I was bored with the music scene there" the man rolled eyes, aware that the words sounded a little strange from his mouth. That he got bored with the enormous world where people's dreams come true and returned to the village shit, where nothing comes true except wasting whole life due to the lack of prospects. "Are you still studying here?" Inaldi was surprised, though it was clear that he enjoyed such a turn of events. That he was counting on it.

"Yeah... things just turned out that way" I said uncertainly. "I have one more year left."

"That's great" Frank was happy. "I'm coming back from March, so we will see each other more often," he assured me and I answered with such a sour smile as if just poured a whole glass of lemon juice into my throat. "You're not too happy," he remarked with a smile wanning as the setting sun.

"I'm just still in a big shock, that's all," I assured the man, forcing myself to smile with a five o'clock shadow.

"Sure, right, me too" he nodded to confirm own words. "I just... I didn't think I would ever see you again, you know..." Frank shrugged.

"Well..." I murmured uncertainly.

"Destiny can be fun," he said with a confident voice. I didn't like the direction in which this conversation was going.

"You can probably put it that way," I said evasively. "So I guess... see you soon, right?" I asked, taking a significant step towards the exit from the building. I was hoping it was a sufficient sign that I wanted to part.

"Yes" he nodded. "See you later".

❤

I hated what this kid was doing with me. I've never been susceptible to the influence, emotions or tearful requests of other people. But Donghyuck had me in every inch and if he was a born manipulator, he would probably do with me whatever he wanted. It was likely something more than just love. Simple love doesn't do such things to you.

It was addiction.

And like every junkie, I knew exactly how the comedown was manifested and what it was all about. Rehab in such an advanced stage of addiction probably ends in death. At least that's how I heard. The body is already too much chewed up by chemistry. So do I.

When I entered the teacher's room there was an unnatural, general commotion. I didn't know what was going on but there wasn't enough time for me to think about it. I quickly reached for the breakfast box with sandwiches Donghyuck made for me and I decided to simply go away. Usually I didn't try to be outgoing. I answered invitations for a beer after work with a nice smile and _I'll see what I can do_. I never showed up and somehow they kind of still invited me. Donghyuck said it was just my charm.

"Mark?" I heard my name, standing practically on the threshold. I swore under breath, turning with a smile in the direction of familiar voice. It was Amy. English teacher employed long time ago on similar terms as me.

"Hm?" I raised eyebrows, urging the woman to explain.

"You need to meet Frank," she said, pointing to the man who stood next to her. I waved a greeting in his direction, murmuring a quiet _hello_. I didn't know the guy. So I didn't intend to show the touchy-feely side of my personality right now. I was just hungry. When I wanted to turn on heel and go outside, Amy said something that alarmed me and provided later many sleepless nights. "Frank once taught music in our high school but he went to the US for an internship and is now coming back from the new semester. For sure you'll find a common ground."

These words made me stop gaze a bit longer on this man. He was dark-haired, of medium height, fair complex, European style, tattooed. Just a fucking, handsome Mr. Easter Egg. I couldn't be sure, but... It all seemed so on the spot, such...

"Oh, great" I stated without much enthusiasm. However, something eated me. The answer to one question could reassure me in everything. "What exactly did you do?" I wondered aloud, not 100% sure if I wanted to know the answer at all.

"Many things" he shrugged. "But mainly with singing and piano," Frank announced with such a radiant and honestly joyful smile that something inside me sprained. It sprained because I already knew who he was. I swallowed, forcing a smile again.

"It was nice to meet you," I said. "See you later" said goodbye and then left the room with the feeling that being a foreigner wasn't the only thing we shared.

❤

"Jeno, Frank's back" I nearly sreamed on one breath when I found Jeno in the cafeteria. The boy looked at me above the breakfast box and began to laugh. "It wasn't a joke" I said with distaste. Not from a stranger, but from a friend, I would expect support, not doubt.

"Not too many guys are coming back to you lately, Hyuck?" he asked with unflagging amusement. Maybe everything around had the potential for teen drama lately, but a little respect and understanding, please. This is still my very real life despite everything.

"It's not funny," I said, being shocked that he really didn't understand anything. It wasn't something to make jokes about. It was serious matter.

"Okay," Jeno sighed heavily, probably seeing my irritation. He returned to the role of a calm, advising friend. I was hoping something productive would come out of it and I would get a ready-made solution to implement. "So the guitarist returns to the stage," he shrugged as if it was nothing special. "And what now?" the boy asked me, however - a person who probably knew even less than a complete stranger.

"Nothing," I came loose, frowning. "Nothing. What do you expect to be?" I shrugged. It was, however, a mere facade. I was shaking inside like jelly - afraid of Minhyung's reaction to the whole circus. He couldn't find out for anything.

"After all you were all nudge-nudge wink-wink..." Jeno smiled ambiguously, making my face full of disgust.

"Stop it," I whispered. "There was nothing between us," I said quickly before I could think it through better.

"I wouldn't say so..." boy sighed heavily. He knew perfectly well about everything. Even if I wanted to deceive myself, I wasn't able to do same with him. "The guy leched after you quite hard and you didn't owe him in those feelings" the boy made it clear. He didn't do that before. Jeno confronted me with an uncomfortable truth only if he was sure he wouldn't hurt me with it.

"That's not true" and again I pointlessly denied. I denied that I had a fucking affair with the teacher. If you think about it, Minhyung was one now too. Maybe I was suffering from some kind of unconscious fetish disease. A fetish about teachers.

"You can refute ad libitum, Hyuck." Jeno looked at me significantly. I gazed down. I knew that it was completely useless with him. He knew more about situation with Frank than I had told him. It was enough to look at me. I couldn't hide much. I was like an open book. "What with Mark?" he suddenly asked. I boggled.

"Come on, don't drag him into it," I said. "Nothing changes between us," I assured. Jeno smiled under breath, biting a sandwich. "I love him over life. Frank's return to school doesn't change anything."

"Do you want to convince me, Hyuck, or yourself?" Jeno asked, not even looking at me. It was a rhetorical question that embarrassed me for unknown reasons.

❤

When we left the cinema, the mood was much worse than before the movie. We planned this evening with more enthusiasm. We haven't been on a date for a long time. We hardly ever saw each other recently. Hyuck had a lot of work with catching up at school and learning on a regular basis and for me the end of the semester was also hardworking period. I didn't want to say that we were moving away from each other more and more but I probably had to - I had to face the truth.

Just this shitty Frank.

The closer to the new year, the more his person was disturbing my night's sleep. I couldn't somehow ask Donghyuck about this guy. It would only raise unnecessary suspicions in my boyfriend. It didn't have to be that Frank at all. Everything pointed to his figure and coincidence was almost unrealistic, but... I don't know. I just hoped that I was wrong. I wanted to be wrong.

"Do you want to stay with me tonight?" I asked Hyuck, pulling him out of private reverie.

" _I want_ and _I can_ are two different things," he muttered under breath, still looking out the window. It was already dark and we were driving along an unlit forest road. I didn't know what was so amusing behind the glass, that didn't allow him to look at me for a moment.

"Tomorrow is Saturday," I noticed calmly, hoping to somehow encourage him. "We could spend the weekend together" I tried to tempt Hyuck with a vision of a quiet day for two. I wanted to drown out the voices in my head that suggested it was just a childish way to regain lost relationship foundations. To denote the fear and doubts that an important relationship is collapsing and enters the stage when it must be saved.

"I'll ask my mom," he said, pulling the phone out of pocket. I felt like forcing him to do something at the moment. I look out of the corner of my eye at boy's fingers, knocking on the keyboard and I was tired. Authentically I wanted to let go of everything I had recently sought for. " _I would prefer you to come back_ ," Donghyuck read aloud a message that announced its arrival with a quiet beeping.

"Mhm" I sighed heavily, turning the road that led to Lee's house. I thought it's a good thing. If we had to spend two days together in a similar silence and boredom, it was actually better do this separately. It didn't make any sense to limp through with each other.

Finally, I parked several houses from the proper one and switched off the engine. We've always done that. We didn't want anyone, especially Hyuck's father, to have any suspicion of our relationship existance. We usually talked for a while, we were joking... sometimes we did something more and then I watched the boy going home and disappearing inside - all safe and sound. Today, however, there was a grave silence in the car.

"Donghyuck..." I began uncertainly, immediately breaking off. I wasn't even sure exactly what I wanted to tell him, what I wanted to ask. It seemed to me that I just wanted to put an end to this terrible silence.

"Well, what?" he asked when heard nothing more from my mouth than he had heard. I shrugged.

"Nothing, goodnight," I sighed softly, kissing Hyuck on the cheek. I started the engine.

"Minhyung" the boy said firmly, turning the key back in the ignition. "I'm here with you," Hyuck assured, putting hand on my thigh. "Say what's going on," he asked so gently and calmly that I broke into pieces internally. There was nothing in the boy's voice of boredom and weariness that had been before.

"It's just... I don't know," I sighed heavily, looking through the glass. "That we spend little time with each other? I think so... That's it, that's all." Silence answered me. Donghyuk's fingers first tightened on my leg and then let go. When I heard the slam of the belt released from the lock, I only dared to look at the brunet. I was afraid he decided to get out of the car - just like that. However, this was not the matter this time. The boy slowly moved to me and when he properly rested hands on the back of my seat, he threw leg over the side of the chair, sat astride my knees and hugged strongly. I breathed deeply, hiding face in the warm hollow of Hyuck's neck. "You know I don't want us to move away from each other," I murmured finally. "I don't want to lose you, so..." I swallowed. I sounded at least pathetic, as if begging for something. But that's how it was. Between the lines of this monologue, I could feel my plea. "So I'm scared a bit lately," I finally finished previous thought after a few seconds of silence.

"You don't have to be afraid of anything," Donghyuck whispered, combing my hair slowly over and over again. His voice was so stable, so gentle and calm... "Minhyung, after all I...", after a moment of silence, he began another thought, which he broke off. Hyuck didn't get it through throat. "...you know what I feel about you," he confessed finally. "Why are you scared?" asked.

"I don't know... like really don't... know," I replied absently. Maybe because I was lying? I knew perfectly well. Frank Inaldi. That was the source of my fear. Why? Because, like me, he shared a part of the past with Donghyuck. A significant fragment. Besides, they were connected by a passion for music, which apparently died somewhere in Hyuck but I could assume that not completely. "I probably have a worse time," finally stated. It was a very safe answer. It didn't explain anything to the end but at the same time completely exhausted the hard topic of our declining relationship.

"Me too..." the brunet muttered thoughtfully, leaning body back a little. "But it will pass," he said, forcing me to look into his eyes. "It always passes" shrugged, gently smiling. I nodded uncertainly for confirmation, dropping eyes on the boy's hands that covered my cheeks. Donghyuck sighed heavily, sliding right hand index finger under my chin. A moment later I felt boy's lips on mine.

"Don't leave me," I asked when we needed a breath.

"I won't" Hyuck whispered in a broken voice.

"But like never, never," I pointed out, shifting hand to the boy's neck.

"Never, never," he shook head from side to side, leaning on our noses. "I swear."


	20. Spring Day

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! Mistake appeared as before this chapter - "Spring Day" - was another one planned. So if you don't mind, check previous one which I added now - "Frank" - and just changed numbers of chapters. Sorry.

The school dance in our school meant not only the beginning of the next school year and the integration of new classes with the school environment or the new faces of these walls' regular visitors. First of all, it was an occasion to celebrate Spring Day on a slightly shifted date. People also used it to timidly choose their companions as the missing element for the couple, they confessed their love to each other, invited them to dance. New friendships were made, new school relationships were formed and broken hearts appeared as a natural consequence of unrequited love confessions. Everyone seemed enjoying the onset of the eastern nations' of this world favorite season ever.

Everyone except me.

I didn't like cherry blossoms, chirping birds, waking nature and all those happy people displaying happy faces to the first warmer rays of the sun. It was starting to get warmer, people dressed more and more scantily and I was left in fifty layers of outerwear, exposed to wry eyes, whispers in the hallway and pointing a fingers of those who knew better what was wrong with me than I did.

Spring has always been for me a period dominated by suffering, nervous breakdowns and loneliness interspersed with a sense of disgust towards my body.

It was in spring when Minhyung lost his parents, his childhood and his life so far.

And I lost him.

We've lost each other.

It was in spring that I always had relapses of depression and states of increased apathy. It was in the spring that I couldn't get out of bed and force myself to function normally in society.

That is why the Spring Festival was never really a holiday for me - I had nothing to celebrate.

"Haechan..." I heard Koeun's quiet whisper. We danced slowly among other couples, slowly traverse the dance floor with lazy turns around our own axis. "I need to tell you something," she said uncertainly, sending me a slightly scared look.

"What's this?" I was surprised. I've never seen her behave like this before. "I won't tell anyone," I assured when the clear hesitation as to whether she should really share thoughts with me, caught the words in her throat.

"It's not like that..." Koeun sighed heavily. "I fell in love," she finally said quietly, resting forehead on my shoulder to hide embarrassment with all this situation. At the moment my heart skipped a few very significant beats because it became incredibly hot. I started to panic a bit when strange thoughts started to spin in my head. I created new scripts for this conversation and didn't really like any of them.

"But... But what? In me?" I asked in a trembling voice as recovered a little and could use the vocal apparatus. Koeun raised head quickly, staring at me in disbelief.

"No, stupid," she laughed, almost instantly getting serious once again. Koeun gave me a look as if I knew who she meant, I just had to exert some strength to get a lead. Despite everything, my head was empty. Alternatively, I might have linked her initial hesitation with Minhyung but that was even more ridiculous than the idea of me and the girl as a couple. "Jeno," she whispered, peeking discreetly at the table where our entire group sat. The aforementioned boy was talking about something with Renjun, completely ignoring our existence. 

"Jeno?" I laughed. He didn't invite anyone and believed that wasn't interested in anyone. My allegedly exuberant love life was said to provide him enough entertainment. But now after what I heared...

"Well, what?" Koeun growled, dragging me down from the depths of conspiracy theories.

"Nothing" shrugged. "I thought you didn't like him," I explained source of my surprise. There is a saying that the quarrel of lovers is the renewal of love. I've never seen our group of friends through the prism of this. We all quarreled in a funny way. Teasing is our identification mark.

"Because it was so..." she admitted shyly. "But I changed my mind."

"So what has captivated you so much in our beloved Jeno?" I asked with a hint of irony for which I received a punch on the shoulder.

"I don't know... he seems so distant and relaxed at first glance but I know that he is really lovely person with a good heart" I nodded in a sign that I understood. In fact, I agreed with that statement. Jeno is a really wonderful person, a wonderful friend who's always with you when you need him. If he and Koeun would make a couple, then I'd definitely like to be a best man at their wedding. "And he's hot," she added after a while and I couldn't help but laugh. The girl did the same. "Well, you can't deny it!"

"You know, the very fact of being gay doesn't mean that I like every guy I pass on the street," I explained her this simple rule, looking around the room in seach of my man since we've come in talk about relationships. However, I haven't found him anywhere.

"You're right, I'm sorry," she said. We danced for a while in silence, swaying to the rhythm of the quiet music. "Will you find out what Jeno thinks about me?" Koeun finally asked, revealing the main purpose of her confession.

"I'll make an interview within my discreet possibilities," I promised, still scanning every cluster of teachers with a watchful eye. Minhyung usually stayed close to other English teachers. Rather, he avoided the elderly and in particular avoided the headmaster. Despite everything, I still haven't seen him anywhere.

"Did something happen?" Koeun asked, sensing that I was in a completely different place with all of thoughts.

"I haven't seen Minhyung anywhere for some time," I sighed heavily. I sounded like an overprotective mother who lost sight of an adult child. Recently, however, Mark had been so strange that any such unexpected and abnormal behavior from the boy made me uneasy.

"Then go look for him," she said with a smile.

"Are you sure?" I murmured without conviction. In the end, we came here together as an alleged couple. It was foolish to leave my official girlfriend for an unofficial boyfriend in the middle of the party.

"Of course," Koeun assured without the slightest breaking stride. "We've quite enough danced today already. Minhyung would probably want some of you tonight just for himself too," girl smiled under breath, a little pink on her cheeks appeared. She was impossible in all of this shipping stuff.

"You can always tell Jeno that you have a hopeless partner. Maybe he will volunteer to replace me," I joked. Seeing the expression of Koeun, it occurred to me that what was a joke to me was a real plan for her.

"Why do you think I am getting rid of you so eagerly?" she asked, looking towards our table. Renjun was completely absorbed with the dance floor and Jeno just sitting all alone beside it. He pleaded for the company of a certain lady.

"That's why women sometimes scare me so much," I laughed, kissing the girl on the cheek and then I went to the gym exit to find my lost second half.

♥

The worst feeling I've experienced today is the awareness of unwarranted jealousy. It is the worst because I had no reason to be jealous. But I was still anyway. Why? For a very simple reason. I hated it when someone who was obviously not me touched Donghyuck in any way. I couldn't bear the sight of Jeno, who gently patted him on the back or put arm around him as they joked about each other between the classes in the corridor. I could hardly bear it when Koeun took him by the arm or even as now - she danced in his embrace so peacefully. School wasn't a suitable place for me to replace any of them. Despite everything, I felt aside as an observer of my boyfriend's life, not a participant.

And it was not jealousy about feelings.

It was jealousy of touch.

Jealousy of bodily contact that I haven't had with him for a long time. 

I didn't know if it was one hundred percent because of lack of time, a lot of work or maybe just a dislike from Donghyuck but I was going into conniptions. We've had sex for the last time over three months ago when I came back from Canada. From that time on, brunet never let me go any further. He always had an excuse. Perhaps they were real, honest excuses. After all, I was just a weak man. When I didn't know what Donghyuck tasted like, it was much easier for me to function without sex. But now I knew what I was missing. Hyuck, however, probably didn't share these feelings with me. At least apparently because we haven't talked about it.

I left the gymnasium under the pretense of a painful, unbearable headache. I just couldn't stand there and pretend that it was so good to watch all those kids stuck to each other. I was able to devote attention to the one of them only anyways so I didn't feel at all about it. I needed a moment of breathing, a long moment of silence. That's why I escaped where I'm always stitching during breaks when I'm out of duty. Now the teachers' floor was completely empty and so dark but during the day. From the small recess in which I hid, you could see the entire green part of the school grounds. On warm days, students always spent a lot of time on clearings or by flowerbeds, enjoying ten minutes of freedom between classes. I just liked this place only because no one knew about it and I always had the perfect view of the tree under which Donghyuck sat with his friends.

I dropped back hard on the rough wall and closed eyelids. Even here, I wasn't able to completely escape from he sounds of the party. The rumbling of the bass was breaking through even three floors of the school building. I didn't understand how I could be used to live this way - live with that rumble, peaoble rubbing agaings each other, sweaty bodies, unbelievable kicks on extasy and narcotic fucking after LSD. A shiver passed me. I was still disgusted with myself, although I did everything to feel different way. I wanted to believe the words of Hyuck that what happened in the past is a matter of the past. Despite everything, it is coming up. It makes numerous intrusions in our common present and it was impossible to stop these intrusions. I felt helpless.

_"Where did you go?"_

I smiled under my breath, seeing the contents of the text message from Donghyuck. Small bastard. So, however, he keeps me on the eye all the time. Little shit.

_"Guess."_

♥

When I saw a faint shadow at the end of the corridor, I knew it was Mark. For reasons that were unknown to me, he liked the niche which was a distinct architectural blend for me. He always hid in it, escaping from staying in the teachers' room as if a little integration with the pedagogical group could have killed him. I didn't know if it was the teenage growing up in a different culture or a professional mismatch between expectations and reality - Mark didn't like his colleagues here. Or rather disliked them and if had a choice, he preferred to run away from forced interactions, which in my eyes turned out to be terribly good, friendly and natural despite this.

"I found you," I whispered theatrically, scaring the boy.

"I didn't hear you coming up," he explained quickly, excusing himself for flinching.

"I'll always find you," I assured with a smile, hugging the boy firmly. I missed it so much recently that I almost melted in the arms of Minhyung just as soon as he embraced me. I purred, melting away from the warmth that now flooded my entire body.

"I just see" boy laughed softly, tightening grip. He brushed cheek slowly against the side of my head and kissed temple hard. We stood for a moment in such a desperate embrace full of silence. Music pounded in the background.

"You're somehow sad today," I finally said something that had been routine for a long time. Mark has been depressed for few weeks now. I wasn't an idiot not to know that it was because of me. After all, it was stupid to admit that I'm almost an adult guy and my own mom forbids me to meet my boyfriend. Well, maybe she didn't completely ban our relationship but she fell into paranoia about the fact that my father would find out about everything and spending the weekends with him was something totaly unacceptable and in the week there was rarely any time to see for more than an hour that divided the end of my classes from the end of my father's work.

"Rather jealous," he muttered reluctantly. I huffed a skeptical, incredulous laugh.

"What for?" I was surprised in grave, looking into boy's eyes. It made me wonder if I had given him any reason to feel what was making him feel so. But I knew absolutely nothing.

"For everything," he whispered uncertainly, brushing away a lost strand of hair from my forehead.

"Stupid" laughed sighing heavily, a bit impatiently. I moved finger slowly along the boy's jawline. I felt that heart would pop out of chest at any moment. I wanted him. The best here and now, although I didn't think it was possible in any way. "If you had any more reason," I bit lower lip, keeping eyes on Minghyung's lips.

"You are so obvious" blond laughed, gently kissing me. I smiled under breath as I wandered hands on the boy's neck. I wanted more. I needed more.

"It doesn't bother me as long as it works," I whispered feverishly when Minhyung turned us around so that now it was me to lean back against the wall. Our eyes met only for a second which allowed us both to see our desires and the promise of the night that was not likely to end in the school corridor with a just few common kisses.

"Devil." It was the last thing I heard from Mark's lips before they frantically embraced mine with much more power than before. Without thinking too much about what I was doing, I slowly slid the jacket off my boyfriend's shoulders. He could look absolutely divine in it but I definitely preferred him without it and without the rest of unnecessary clothes. The blond did the same with mine, throwing both on the floor somewhere near us. I clenched fingers on his hair and my throat let out a loud groan as Minhyung's tongue ran over the entire length of my neck. The boy laughed softly, barely catching own breath and put hand to my lips. "Shhh, baby, somebody will hear us" he muttered, pressing me harder to the wall. I clenched eyelids, stopping Mark's fingers with my own hands beside mouth. "Taeil should change me in a moment," he whispered, squeezing keys into my pants pocket. "Wait in the car," he asked leaving a few soft kisses on my neck.

"O-okay," I sighed, lifting jacket off the ground.

"And Donghyuck?" he laughed at me when I wanted to go. I gave him a questioning look when he came close enough that our bodies were almost touching each other. Minhyung put his hands slowly on my hips and brought lips to ear. "Forgive me for using such words with you but... I'm going to fuck you so hard today," he whispered somewhat muttering that my whole body went through a cold thrill in response to such a dirty statement. It was the first time a blond acted in such a way and I would be lying, saying that it didn't hype me up me at all. I decided to take part in this game.

"I can't wait," I whispered on the edge of an ecstatic groan, biting the earlobe of Minhyung, then quickly departed from him with the stupidest smile of the world on my lips.

♥

_I can't wait_.

I snorted under breath. What an unbearable bastard. He shouldn't say that.

I walked quickly to the table where Koeun and Jeno were sitting. I knew that Heachan was supposed to spend the night with a friend so I preferred to warn him that a small change of plans had taken place.

"I'm taking Haechan now," I said straight from the shoulder. "Do you mind it somehow?" I asked Jeno. I wanted to be as polite as I could. The success of our mission depended on Jeno's discretion, although I preferred to put him in front of a fait accompli than to ask for anything.

"I would be really surprised if he would come home with me today anyways," the black-haired only said, shrugging. I was glad that he cooperated. I wasn't hiding, being in a hurry.

"I don't mind too if I get a full report of this romantic evening," Koeun added with such an innocent smile that I wouldn't really be myself if I hadn't taken care of its disappearance from her face. I answered with the most sweet smile I could afford and leaned towards girl in the most playboyish manner I could afford in this moment.

"If things I'll do with him today, will be able to pass through his mouth tomorrow morning, this contract is standing," I whispered, patting Koeun lightly on the shoulder, ignoring the huge blush that completely flooded the girl's face. _What a strange little human being_ , I thought, nodding at Taeil to communicate my departure, then left the school building in a childish hurry.

♥

Although Mark drived a car much faster than the road regulations would allow him, this time I didn't intend to lecture him and shout at that he was doing wrong and police would catch us. I knew that boy was in a hurry to finally get hands on me so I didn't protest because, oh god, in my entire life I've never felt such a need for someone to take me straightaway at any place. That's why I was very surprised when Minhyung halfway drove down on the roadside and turned off the engine.

"Why..." I started to formulate a sentence but it was quickly broken off by the boy's answer.

"Quick sex in the field" simply stated, pulling me to him by tie.

I laughed in disbelief, slipping slowly on to my boyfriend's knees. The rest went very fast. Our mouth just simply couldn't stay in one place for too long and our fingers were shaking with all the excitement to such an extent that it was almost impossible to unbutton the shirts. I got impatient.

"Fuck this shirt" I breathed out, catching blindly by the mechanism lowering the backrest of the seat. "Take off your pants," I said and Minhyung began to laugh when we both fell back to the angle of forty degrees.

"I swear I won't forget what you just said as long as I'll live," he assured in a broken voice, sliding the boxers off my hips while I took care of his. We didn't have to do much more preparation because we were both at attention back at school. Now it was enough to only deal with the whole matter in the right way.

I leaned with one hand on the steering wheel and the other on the windshield and lifted hips up enough for Mark to enter without much complications. Throughout this time we didn't take our eyes off each other, making one another tick mutually and almost coming from the very thickening of the non-verbal lust that had accumulated in the air. When I felt the boy inside, I began to slowly lower body down to be able to take him in completely, in its entirety. Lack of preparing was a shot to the knee. I wasn't some experienced sex partner in this relationship but a complete newbie. I was only saved by a little saliva, which didn't help that much. I simply paid for the fact that the desire had cut off the part of my brain responsible for rational thinking. After all, once boy entered me, all the rest was so fast and intense that the film literally stopped and I blacked out even though we were totally sober. Any inconvenience or discomfort ceased to count. I was completely immersed in the ecstasy that Minhyung offered to me to the extent that only selective information reached me. I don't remember exactly when I found myself simply ride blond aggressively but it was more or less the moment when I completely lost in what we were doing. I heard blood in ears and the only thing I heard was our loud groans and cheers of pleasure as well as Mark's crotch that hit my buttocks dizzyly. Every moment I was overwhelmed by such powerful waves of pleasure that I couldn't stand them, writhing above boy who held my hips tightly, groaning even louder. When I subconsciously felt that the moment we were up to was approaching, to which we both pushed hard each other, I sank fingers into Minhyung's hair, whispering some meaningless words to the unknown addressee. In the end, Mark came in this one last time, which forced me to tighten fingers on the seat belt and thigh around the blonde.

"Fuck!" I moaned loudly, almost screaming. My head went backwards, eyes tightly closed. I wanted to fit in even more tightly with Mark, though he was already pressing against me with all strength, straining under me with hand clamped on the same seat belt as me. It took literally only a few moments, a few moments when I felt like something was going to rip me apart from the inside while I wanted indeed to be torn apart.

"Who would have thought that these lips can stain such ugly words" he panted between successive kisses, licking the last remnants of this orgasmic ecstasy. I grabbed the boy tightly by the neck and pulled him closer, feeling a strange surge of energy in muscles. There was definitely not enough for me.

Not enough Minhyung.

Not enough sex.

Not enough us.

"Fuck you, Lee" I strangled before I was forced to loudly groan when the boy came out of me.

"I swear that if you once again make such a sound, I can't take it," he laughed, wiping the sperm from both his penis and area around my anus.

"But I don't tell you to strangle anything in you, you know," I murmured, slowly sitting more on his abdomen than on hips. I kissed his nose first, then cheek and neck, until I finally reached mouth, biting on the boy's lower lip.

"You are provoking me boldly, Donghyuck," he said as if he was trying to explain himself. I knew my boyfriend perfectly. I knew what perverted visions and thoughts he could get under this wonderful blond hair. I have often hampered him and set limits for fear that he would go too far, that I would be hurt in some way. But Mark would't hurt me not under any circumstances, I knew it. Besides, we have not been in a sexual relationship for too long to not give up the rules when a great opportunity finally arrives.

"I can't deny," laughed, feeling Minhyung's hands slowly traverse every curvature of my body just to finally cling to my buttocks. "Ah" I gasped gently, tightening thighs on the boy's waist.

"Did I not rise to the challenge?" he asked in a whisper so seductive that could successfully vamp the greatest homophobe of this world. I grabbed the steering wheel hard when Mark's finger gently circled around my anus, until it finally buried inside it and my arm bent compulsively, pressing car horm with elbow. The silence in the car was interrupted by the Canadian's laugh mixed with my groan. It slowly dawned on me that Minhyung was truly a master of bed games and I should think a million times before I provoked him.

But today I wanted to see what it meant to provoke Mark Lee.

Even if I had to bitterly regret it later.

"You did great," I assured, barely catching breath when I felt the other finger in me. "You just have a very oversexed boy who wants to feel your full potential inside," I joked, turning on both of us with such words even more.

"Fuck, Donghyuck..." Mark shook head in disbelief as if I really didn't know what I'm down to in spite of numerous warnings from his side. "I swear that if you'll say a little more, tomorrow you won't be able to sit on your ass, boy. So don't provoke me." A shudder passed through me, which didn't escape his notice. I hesitated for a moment, I admit, but then I saw in Minhyung's eyes something that pushed me crazy and before I could stimulate my brain to think rationally, my lips were already whispering with an erotic message:

"Do it."

♥

We popped into the house, throwing off the remnants of clothes that we didn't miraculously leave in the car. I didn't believe my own perception when I saw Donghyuck's behavior, when I heard his provocative voice, when I felt his tongue on my body urging me to simply fuck him. I had no idea what had entered into my boy but if it was his wish to make erotic heaven out of this evening, then I was going to lift the veil of secrecy for him.

"Just don't get puffed from that pace, old man," he joked when I put him on the kitchen table. _Enjoy your meal_ , I could say with a clear conscience.

"Very funny," I whispered. I kissed him gently at first, then harder, with more passion than ever. Hyuck's delicate perfume pleasantly irritated my nostrils, only increasing the desire to taste it much more thoroughly and passionately than in the car. "Give me your hands" I demanded in a soft whisper, pulling with free hand a tie from neck that somehow still was there.

"Will you tie me?" Hyuck was a little surprised and for the first time in the evening I saw doubt in his eyes. I paused for a moment, giving us both a few moments to recover from the whole madness that possessed us today. I tried to find a serious and rational Minhyung in me. In spite of everything, I had someone less experienced and familiar with the world of erotic games before me. I had to respect his autonomy.

"If you say distinct _no_ , I'll stop myself," promised. The boy bit his lower lip gently, looking at me carefully. At last he lowered eyes to hands and after a moment's thought, Donghyuck slowly slid off the table, standing in front of me as God created him. Through the window in the kitchen came the moonlight, perfectly highlighting all the scars on the boy's body. They were gistening beadili in the white light, revealing all that he had always wanted to hide from the world. In spite of everything, I was unable to refrain from communicating to him things as obvious as the fact that I loved him. "You are so fucking beautiful," I said, swallowing. Donghyuck laughed.

"You're pretty good too" boy claimed in so witty way that only he could say such a unbelievable thing. I shook head in disbelief and the boy turned back to me. "Tie me" he said quite calmly, exposing me wrists crossed over buttocks. "We haven't done it in the kitchen yet" he laughed, reaching out to scratch me in the underbelly. I asnwered with same laughter as took a small step back because of the ticklishness. But he was right, we haven't christened the kitchen yet.

"You're impossible," I sighed heavily, tethering his hands with the tie as gently as I could. The whole activity had a symbolic, playful and spicy meaning. I wasn't going to enslave him or force to do anything. The tie was an innocent prop, a harmless whim that only stimulated the imagination.

"We need to grab a chance," he said, putting chest on the table without asking. "You never know when we will have the opportunity to experiment again."

Once I had a certain guiding principle which I promised myself never to break. Many things but blowing is not an option. Every self-respecting guy has his hand if he need one but there's no way I'll ever take a dick to my mouth. However, the years go by, man verifies life decisions and states that in the relationship similar rules don't obtain anymore and one blowjob once in a while is nothing terrible. Especially if your boyfriend makes such a dazzlingly gorgeus moans when you do it to him.

"Fuck, finish what you started," he gasped when I took care of folding small kisses on the inside of his thighs, leaving the rest in a not-so-interesting state. I laughed.

"That's for that old man," I said, unhinging Donghycuk's fingers one after the other from the bed frame which he had quite painfully clamped on. "You will come when I decide about it," I whispered in his ear, putting a wet kiss on boy's lips.

"Fuck you" he said grounding it out, writhing under me on the bedclothes.

"I'll fuck you with pleasure," I assured and then rode down a little lower, having fun with annoying Haechan by prickling his nipple. "But we didn't have a proper foreplay today," I explained, sucking on the brunet's neck. "I need to fix it."

"You don't have to," he assured, almost on the verge of crying. "Just fuck me now and finish it."

"You bandy around pearls of wisdom today, honey," I laughed, lifting the boy's legs up. I put them on my shoulders, finding this one, the right angle which according to my calculations should lead him to the edge of insanity. "Your wish is an order for me," I whispered, entering him with all my strength.

The boy's throat left a loud scream - not the first and certainly not last tonight. I wanted to throw a bitchy remark at him when I felt Haechan's nails piercing my back painfully, passing without mercy all along their length. One thing was for sure - none of us will be out of this play in one piece. The truth was, I didn't quite want to get out of this safe and sound. Somewhere in the corners of head was the thought that I'd happily accept scratched back and painfully tousled hair.

I kissed Donhyuck's lips fervently, consuming the smallest moan and the smallest sigh that was the product of this dirty deed. For both of us it was actually the first time in such a situation. I've never had sex with anyone so many times one night. Anyone who wasn't Donghyuck couldn't make me hard all this times - physically it seemed impossible even today. However, every touch of the boy, every look, a broken breath or an exclamation shouted in ecstasy, made me incredibly turned on despite all the biological barriers that should make it impossible. I've been under the illusion that the merit of our mutual attraction is really in love. Aside from the fact that I hadn't come with anyone so many times, there was another fact. I just didn't want to have anyone so many times and I certainly didn't want to fall asleep next to these people and wake up in one bed.

It was completely different with Donghyuck.

I clasped our fingers together, blindly gliding along with Hyuck's hand clenched on the bedding. I went into the boy again and again, genuinely dropping with strength with each next thrust. It was doubling and tripling before my eyes. I knew that it was mainly the extreme exhaustion that we both experienced. I knew that if we ever did it again, it would probably end up in the newspaper as the man who got his heart attack by fucking with boyfiend. We risked a bit, stretched the limits of our endurance a bit and we will probably pay a bit for it in the morning.

The last few thrusts ended this crazy night for both of us. The orgasm held us only for a few, really fragile seconds and I finished, falling heavily on Hyuck, whose legs slipped limply slowly from my arms to two opposite sides. I hid face in the brunet's neck, waiting for a moment when I could breathe calmly and not to fight for survival with each shallow gust of atmosphere. Donghyuck regained voice much faster than I could logical thinking, which made me realize that these few years of difference between us physically can have some meaning. I felt the boy's fingers in my incredibly sweaty hair. Hyuck slowly began combing them, finally getting to the final speech.

"I can love you over life but I'm not ready for anything more like that," he said, still breathing heavily. I laughed softly, slipping off the boy. I fell heavily right next to him. "We've made an annual standard," he murmured sleepily, hiding yawning delightfully.

"We should probably take a shower," I remarked, thinking about the meaning of washing this sheet. After the amount of various fluids and secretions of our bodies, one sensible solution was to get rid of it completely from this house.

"I don't have the strength," Donghyuck whispered weakly, cuddling in my chest and almost fell asleep immediately.

I remembered that I wanted to tell him something more but I couldn't quite grasp this idea in the present state, quickly following my boyfriend on the way to dreamland.

♥

The moment in which I opened eyes was literally the worst moment of my life. I felt that the whole lower part of the body, which was enjoying so much pleasure yesterday, today felt unimaginable pain. I wanted to call it simple muscle sores but I knew perfectly well that muscle sores weren't typicall for _back passage_. Muscle sores don't bruise your thighs, hips or shoulders. Muscle sores don't make love bites all over the body. Catching up three months without sex in one night contributes to such things. Especially when you're bottom.

Mark's goal from yesterday evolved - I couldn't even lie down peacefully.

When I finally managed to sit down, I felt tears running down cheeks and couldn't control them at all. I sniffed, wiping face with the back of hand. I looked around the room. The watch showed the 2 pm and Mark was still sleeping like a dead man. There were long scratches of blood running down the boy's back which were starting to bruise in few places. After all this, I managed to come to only one conclusion - there will never be anything similar between us. We behaved like horny animals unable to control their instincts and I didn't like it today. In the end, I understood what all the poets and writers had in mind saying that during the day everything looks completely different than at night.

I began to slowly move towards the edge of the bed, tightening lips. I didn't want to wake Minhyung and certainly didn't want him to see me in this state. Finally, after a few minutes of struggle, I sat on the edge of the mattress with the idea that this is the peak of my capabilities at the moment and I won't reach the bathroom on my own. I rested elbows on thighs and hid face in hands.

Oh, god, why I was so incredibly stupid and mindless. My mother would be disappointed that I didn't assess the consequences of own behavior at all.

"You're already up, baby?" I heard the sleepy murmur of Minhyung behind me. "What time is it?"

"It's not long to 3," I said quietly, still looking at the floor. While I still had some time, I was looking for clues on the panels how to tell Minhyung that if he had such great time in my ass yesterday, now he has to help me wash up because I'm not able to do it on my own.

"Something happened?" boy asked worriedly, getting out of bed. He quickly walked around it to kneel in front of me, putting hands on my trembling knees.

"I think I'm dying" I said quietly, unable to describe the pain that I just felt in the usual seat. Minhyung laughed, understanding perfectly what I meant. "It's not funny, moron" I got angry. Though more than angry, I was more disappointed in my own stupidity and terrified by the fact that somehow I had to get home and then function normally at this home. I can't say that Jeno accidentally mistook me for a girl at night and got in my ass, so I'm not able to go up the stairs to the room now.

"You're right," Mark admitted quickly in a whisper, kissing my hands. "I'm sorry, I didn't want to," he muttered, resting head on my legs.

"Oooh, you wanted," I said without a trace of anger, gently combing his hair. I couldn't seriously accuse him because we both wanted it. He didn't use me against my will.

"You provoked me" Minhyung began to defend himself and I didn't have any arguments on this word. He was right. I provoked him and wanted to feel inside like never before. So I felt and was now paying an exorbitant price for it.

"I wasn't in the fullness of my senses," said in my defense, causing another round of derisive smile from the blonde.

When Mark helped me get into the shower, I gently nestled into his warm body and let wash me in places where I couldn't wash myself. I didn't feel uncomfortable with it, though Donghyuck from few months ago would probably have fallen under the ground by the mere thought of the existence of an equally unlikely possibility. But I assumed that since Donghyuck from yesterday was able to let fuck him on the kitchen table and tie, he might as well now let his boyfriend clean up what we both did after Spring Day Festival.

I pressed lips harder to Minhyung's shoulder as he drove the sponge between my buttocks. It was not a pleasant feeling, but neither was tragic. Just a bit uncomfortable. However, water flew right behind the sponge and the water always soothed. I closed eyelids as if in any way it could relieve my pain.

"I'm sorry" Minhyung repeated and this time in voice I didn't feel any sense of earlier mirth.

"It doesn't matter," I said honestly. It really didn't. Looking at our life and relationship realistically, it may not be the first and last time that I am in such a situation. "After all, it'll pass," I assured myself rather than a boy.

"I've taken it too far," he admitted with a clear sense of guilt. I sighed heavily and said something that I had to get to myself after some time. It required an incredibly precise estimate of profits and losses.

"It was worth it."

♥

When I helped dress Hyuck in tracksuits and a sweatshirt, there was a much bigger obstacle ahead of us - stairs leading down to the kitchen. In spite of all my persuasion that he wouldn't do it, the boy said he wanted to. I didn't even discuss with him. What I learned during these less than eight months of the relationship is the simple fact that Donghyuck is the person with whom you cannot argue. It doesn't even matter if you are right or wrong. If Hyuck decides that he really wants something and he can do it, even if he has to die - he will.

Going downstairs made me realize another, very important fact, which completely disappeared from my memory yesterday evening. It was a fact that I even entered on my calendar. I even told Donghyuck about it. Apparently the lust turned both our brains to jelly. Johnny was sitting in our kitchen and didn't look like a person who had a good night's sleep. I only remembered that he was supposed to come but picking up the boy from the club, if it was and for what we agreed, completely missed my memory.

"Oh, bro" I laughed innocently, wanting to calm down the whole situation. "You were supposed to call in case..."

Johnny, however, didn't let me finish. With a stone expression, he raised phone ostentatiously and released the recording that didn't put me in too favorable light as the host of this place. Donghyuck, hearing our moans and screams on the recording, covered only face with hands and hid it deeper in my chest. I put an arm around him, making the most sour face I could afford. Johnny, however, knew no mercy. The recording went on and on as if it had no end and Hyuck began to smash his forehead against my collarbone with embarrassment. I stroked his neck in consolation, though I must have needed consolation myself. My friend finally turned off the recording, in which we very clearly screamed with Donghyuck our names alternately and sighed heavily. It was fun to listen to such things during sex but in the recording (especially the recording played by someone else's hand) it sounded the worst in the world.

"I am happy that you care so much about my musical development in the field of hardcore porn genre but I'd be really grateful, though you warned me that you're going to pair like fucking rabbits all night. I will happily spend the night somewhere else," he assured, putting hand to heart as a sign of sincerity and devotion to this request and promise.

"Sorry, man, it really fell out of my mind," I murmured, totally embarrassed by the whole situation. All in all, Johnny really shouldn't be a witness. I gave him a confused look that he returned. It lasted quite a long time and only we knew its true content and message.

"I'm sorry, Johnny." Haechan muttered a message deafened by a sweatshirt and that softened my friend's heart. He lowered arms and smiled under breath, shaking head from side to side with eyes fixed on the back of Hyuck embedded in me. _"Cute"_ spoke soundlessly and I rolled eyes and told him _"I know"_ exactly the same way. I was grateful, after all, for his distance to this relationship. I was grateful that he liked Donghyuck, though I couldn't demand it for any treasure. He was just a real friend.

"What's gotten into you?" he asked in an amused tone. "You've been fucking all eternity, I swear. I'm in a big shock that kid can walk at all."

"Actually, he's some problems with that," I said, not being able to master sincere amusement.

"Shut up," the brunet muttered again in my sweatshirt, hitting me gently on the chest with fist. I rubbed his arm gently as a form of silent support.

All three of us couldn't resist such an occasion and just started laughing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm so angry as my laptop died 3 times during writing this chapter and ao3 isn't like saving it online so i lost 2 times everything i worked on in real time :/ i just hope it turned out to be good chapter and my frustration in it isn't so visible.


	21. Unexpected changes

I was terribly sorry for Johnny and so ashamed that he must've survived such a unpleasant night. I couldn't look him in the eye all day long. What an embarrassment... On the other hand, it was the best night of my life so far and I definitely had something to remember.

Minhyung kept hand on my thigh, gently doing small circles on it with thumb. We were driving slowly through the forest, wanting to extend the ten minutes of the road as much as possible. I closed eyes, tilting head back and put hand on Minhyung's fingers, gently caressing boy's skin. I was thinking about how these hands were not so long ago on my body, making out, examining every single millimeter of my skin. I felt like an unknown land which met a very demanding and inquisitive explorer who decided to penetrate this land very deeply. I still felt some discomfort in the intimate parts of body but it was no longer as bad as just after waking up. A pain was more or less comparable to what I felt the day after our first time - also very tolerable.

"Well, there we are" Mark sighed heavily, draving up to the house itself. I had one more hour before my mother returned from work and three before father did so we could take the liberty of doing such a risky things. I looked at Minhyung with a smile under breath. It was charming in his own way, that each time he clearly made me understand how much he didn't like the fact of our separation. I didn't like it either but my abilities in this extent were almost nonexistent.

"Kiss me goodbye" I just whispered.

"Do you think I would let you out without it?" boy asked me with a smile, quickly drawing me to him. We exchanged a few lazy kisses, stretching the time of separation as usual. We've already been like that. Certainly in love and thirsting for each other. I touched Minhyung's jawline gently with my finger, resting forehead against each other. I wondered how long this period lasts in a relationship. The moment when you cannot live without each other. When and how does it end? I didn't want us to be like all the couples who finally get bored of each other or betray. I wanted us to be different, special. In this matter, I was a dreamer who, at all costs, wants to escape the requirements of the world, which in the center of knowledge puts objective truth - realism.

"It was great," I said with a smile.

"I'm glad you enjoyed it" Minhyung laughed under breath, quickly joining our lips for a last moment, then moved back to his seat. "I'm guessing that... until tomorrow, at school?"

"Yes" I nodded reluctantly, reaching into the back seat for a bag with a suit. It took me fifteen minutes to complete it because literally every part of my yesterday's outfit was laying in a completely different part of the house and the car. "Bye-bye" I said letting him go, then got out of the car. I went to the door, waiting for Mark to leave. I waved him away and started searching for the keys in pockets. But when I found them already, it turned out that it wasn't needed at all because the door gave way.

"Hi?" I asked uncertainly as entered the corridor. I took off shoes and put the bag on the floor. Nobody answered me. I walked a bit further to the living room, taking very cautious steps. My father stood by the window, looking up the driveway. 

_Shit._

Suddenly I felt as if all the blood from body had drifted away to a distant place because I felt terribly cold. "Hi, dad," I whispered, really trying to sound like I did nothing wrong. Because I did nothing wrong, actually. In spite of everything, I felt an unbelievable fear that only intensified when the man began to take slow steps along, reducing the distance between us. "You came back early," I added when he stood in front of me. Discreetly, I started to stick nails into the hands' skin to feel just a little bit of pain - to feel that I'm still alive by any chance.

"You must think I'm awfully stupid. Do I look like a fool to you?" dad asked dryly and so coldly that I already knew I was up shit creek without a paddle. In the light of all the things that happened later, I didn't think, however, that it will reach such a stage.

"C- come again?" I said stupidly. I really didn't have a prepared answer. I didn't expect to find anyone at home. And definitely not him. Instead of answering, I felt a stabbing pain in the left side of my face, which, with the rest of my head, jumped in the other direction. I took two steps back, wanting to keep balance. I placed the cool top of hand to the hot cheek which began to pinch me unmercifully.

"I was asking, do I look like a fool to you, you little shit?!" he suddenly screamed so firmly that the echo of shout was still ringing in my ears for a while after emptiness settled in the head.

It happened exactly what I was always afraid of. My father found out about me and Minhyung. In addition, it happened in the worst possible way. I wanted to cry but I was still in such a huge, paralyzing shock that I couldn't do anything literally. I stood like the last moron in the passage between the kitchen and the living room, I stared blankly at the floor, not even bold enough to look in my father's eyes. I knew exactly what I would see in them. I've seen it since the day I started to perceive reality in a conscious way. Disgust, contempt, distaste, boredom and indifference. I never felt loved by him, I always felt like a walking failure. Now all this negativity was fueled by fury and aggression. It wasn't surprising that I was afraid. I was so scared that I started to shake - from nerves and horror.

"I believed in all this talk about a girl, I even invited this shabby faggot home for Christmas and you probably fucked under my roof," he growled in disgust, spitting straight to my feet. I looked at the man's saliva on the carpet next to my shoes, not even moving a millimeter. "Disgusting," he added with pure aversion, finally having the opportunity to tell me what he probably wanted to say for a long time. He was always looking for a good excuse and finally found it out of my own stupidity. "I don't intend to tolerate this," he finally said in a determined tone. "I'm just missing people to laugh at us because we've got some half-assed child. I'm fed up with what I hear from your pathetic attempt to get attention, which cost us too much money."

It hurt.

Everything hurt.

Every word, so precisely chosen, to inflict suffering.

Every detail of my life I couldn't forget about because of all these scars.

My father balanced everything perfectly. He balanced so that he could pin the pin as deeply as he could. He stuck it very deeply. I felt the first tears begin to flow down my cheeks. Although I really wanted to, I couldn't hide them. Maybe I was just really, really weak indeed. After all, real men don't cry. And since my suicide attempt, I have done nothing but self-pity and being unable to function like the rest of the stereotypical teenagers. I wasn't the son my father wanted. I was a failure, a disappointment, a failed product of a young marriage.

"Pack up and you have to get the fuck out of here until tomorrow," he told me bluntly. Even his voice didn't hesitate when spoke. I didn't have anything to discuss with him. The verdict was made, the case was lost. "I don't want to see you in my life, Donghyuck. Never again," man muttered under breath, standing next to me. "I'm done. You can go now. "

When I sat on the bed, all the brakes in me were released. I could no longer hold a sob that was subconsciously growing in me since the moment I crossed the threshold of the house. I cried for good. The wall of apparent emotional stability that stayed behind the door of my room, in this terrible corridor, has fallen. I felt horrible helplessness, I had no idea what to do next, how to behave, how to pack, what to take, how to tell my mother that everything she had warned me so much actually happened. I just sat and cried, breathing in air spasmodically. I began to wonder how in a moment a man can arrange life so fine and after a while it becomes a total mess.

This time there was no turning back. I couldn't think that my father would soften, that he had to think about it because he acted in affection. Emotional lability was not his characteristic. Besides, I knew perfectly well that sight of me was big pain in the ass for him for long years, he didn't want me here for a very long time. The son's stay in a psychiatric hospital disturbed his image as a good, calm neighbor who loves his family and goes with it every Sunday to church. It wasn't an ordinary quarrel with which we would all have to sleep and the next day, collectively and unanimously, we will pretend that it didn't take place yesterday. Everything was finished.

When, after less than twenty minutes, I calmed down a bit, I began to dial Minhyung's number with shaky hands. It took me some time because I couldn't properly search the phone book for all this shaking. All names of contacts merged into one, blinking and clenching my eyelids wasn't helpful at all. I had no choice but to miss other options. However, the boy didn't answer and with each next signal, my emotional disorder became harder and harder to face alone. I chose the number a second time, trying to calm trembling legs and catch breath, which I was losing again.

"What's up, honey? Have you missed me already?" he finally answered cheerfully, slamming the door of some cabinet. In the background a radio played, which made me understand that he has been home for a long time now.

"Mark..." I started weakly with a shaky chin. I wiped wet nose with the back of hand but it was completely useless action. Minhyung's voice pinned my shoulders on the ground again and I began to cry one more time, completely unable to stop myself from going to pieces.

"Honey, why are you crying?" boy asked with obvious panic in voice. I wasn't surprised at all. After all, he drove me home in a great mood - safe and sound. My father made the opposite of me in half an hour.

"You... you still have... moving boxes, right?" I finally choked, interrupting every second to catch breath or sniff.

"I have something," he answered. "Do you need them?" Mark asked, guessing the source of my current state.

"Mhm" I murmured indistinctly, looking for tissue. Minhyung's voice and his amazing sensitivity and calmness somehow settled me down. It let me think that there is an exit and I can always rely on it.

"Now?" he only made sure.

"Mhm" I muttered once more, wiping nose on sleeve. I didn't have the strength to look for the paper.

"Give me ten minutes, baby. I'll be right there," he assured.

"Minhyung..." I began in a weak voice, feeling bad with my own request. We haven't been together for a long time and nothing like marriage didn't connect us. We were in a informal relationship and at that moment I was able to challenge all the ties that connected me with other people. Nothing was certain and I was turning into a sense of hopelessness and my own uselessness. "I can stay with you, right?" I asked uncertainly, still in a trembling voice. I didn't know what I was afraid of and what answer I expected. I just wanted to feel safe and well again. I didn't want to drown anymore, feeling hopeless and useless - nobody. For that to be possible, I needed a Minhyung.

"Donghyuck..." he sighed heavily. "This question should not even come from your lips," boy replied almost irritably. "I'll be there soon" he assured me and hung up, leaving alone with own destructive thoughts again.

❤

The first thing I saw when Hyuck opened the door for me was a huge pale handprint reflected on his cheek, which was terribly swollen around the print. This testified only to the enormous strength with which the boy had to be hit. Haechan's eyes were already firmly swollen and small drops of tears were still on his eyelashes. I couldn't even imagine that in the morning he was really happy and full of energy, because now he looked like a walking misfortune in a deep depression.

I didn't think too long about whether I am welcome here, or rather after today I got the status of an uninvited guest. It all lost any meaning in the light of the fact that my boyfriend looked like he was about to fall apart into a million small pieces if I didn't get him together somehow. That's why I crossed the threshold of the Donghyuck's house, regardless of any consequences and took him firmly in arms. I kissed the boy's forehead, then his nose, wet eyelids and a hot, swollen cheek.

"It's ok," I whispered when he crouched in me tightly. Hyuck's whole body trembled unmercifully and any attempt to calm him seemed completely unreal at this point. "I'll take you home," I added after a moment, gently massaging his back. "The real one," I muttered under breath, looking at the ceiling. I didn't stop circular movements with hand, which finally began to bring the intended effect. The brunet's breath slowly began to sound like the breath of a person already very tired with all this crying stuff. Like the breath of a person who has run out of tears.

As we passed the kitchen, we passed also Mr. Lee, who was ostentatiously looking out the window. He didn't give us a moment's attention.

We packed boy in complete silence. Donghyuck still sniffed from time to time but it happened less and less each period of time. Slowly he achieved balance, although this situation must have been unimaginably mentally burdensome. With fragile disposition, he gave me the basics to start worrying about him seriously, or at least somehow to prepare for the fact that tomorrow morning might be very tough for both of us.

"I'm sorry that it's all so suddenly..." he muttered finally, wrapping a cardboard box with tape. "I didn't want to wait until tomorrow."

"Stop it and calm down," I said, approaching him on all fours. Hyuck sighed heavily and hugged my chest again. "You have nothing to apologize for," I assured as he began to play with the edge of the sleeve of my sweater. I embraced my little teddy bear tightly. Brunet didn't deserve this treatment at all. He had done nothing wrong, and his father acted as if Dnghyuck had committed a crime, or a completely morally punitive act, directly detrimental to the well-being of the family. Meanwhile, Hyuck was an ordinary, lost in life teenager whose life wasn't made easy by one of his parents. "I'll stay with you with pleasure. We talked about it some time ago, remember?" I murmured, patting Haechan's arm comfortingly. The boy nodded, uttering a murmur of confirmation. "It's your father who should be the one who apologizes. You did nothing wrong. I would like you to be aware of that," I asked, realizing that Hyuck was probably taking all the sins of the world associated with this incident at himself. That's how his head worked. He blamed himself and doubted people because they were unjustly hurting him again.

"I am," he whispered in an answer so uncertain that he might as well have denied it at start. I sighed heavily, kissing him gently on the temple.

"Let's finish packing and get out from here," I decided decisively and the boy only nodded.

"What are you doing?" I heard Mrs. Lee's voice as put the penultimate carton into the trunk. "Boys, what's going on here?" she asked in a panicked voice, running up to Donghyuck. She grasped her son's jaw tightly with hand and began to turn head in all directions. "What did he do to you?" she muttered furiously, looking around for the culprit who shamelessly left the house with hands in pockets. Hyuck quickly lowered eyes and broke the grip of mother with a reluctant jerk, coming up to me with the last box.

"What are these chats?" man growled with anger. "You go home and you get the fuck out," he ordered, directing the accusatory finger first to Mrs. Lee and then to Hyuck, who reflexively began to look for mine hand with his shaky one. I put arm around him tightly and rested chin on the top of the boy's head, which only made his father even more furious if that was possible somehow. For me, he should be ashamed that has even led to a situation where his own scared child has to seek support from another person, hiding behind in terror.

"Have you lost your senses completely?!" boy's mother screamed that the whole yard could hear it, drawing attention of the more vigilant neighbors. "What are you doing for god's sake?"

"I won't tolerate faggotry in our home," he replied furiously, almost spitting on himself as the word _faggotry_ unkindly rolled on tongue.

"What home?" Mrs. Lee replied the attack, seriously approaching husband. "Do you think that if you throw Hyuck to the pavement, then you will have any home after that?" she hissed at the man in the face.

"Do you want to get the fuck out too?" he asked bluntly, being ready to get rid of anyone who tainted him. Perhaps at least he would have come to senses then. As if he was left in an empty house all alone - no wife, no son, no support, lonely and left to his awful company.

"Mom..." Donghyuck finally got up with courage and croaked in a tired voice asking for some attention. "Stop, it's not worth it" he sighed heavily, shaking head from side to side. "I'm going with Minhyung," he decided firmly, giving father a bitter look. "I don't want to stay here anymore."

Hyuck's mother stood silent for a moment and just looked in our direction as if she had lost something really precious. I wasn't surprised at all. I felt uncomfortable myself, watching the family of the boy whom I loved over life disintegrate in not very pleasant circumstances. Breaking has never been easy. All the more so if it's the only child that leave you. And you stand between two people - doomed to heartbreaking choice.

"Sonny..." she finally whispered, coming up to us with a quick step. I moved back subtly aside so that she could hug freely to Donghyuck. I knew this embrace perfectly. Although I stood there only as an observer, I could sense the desperation of a woman with full awareness of the edge of the break she was standing on. When I left for Canada, Hyuck gave me literally the same kind of desperate embrace. Such a grip hurt both sides and it was difficult to estimate which one was more wounded. The issue is terribly subjective. "You'll take care of him, right?" she asked with panic in eyes, looking at me with the extortion of this promise. For me, there wasn't so much to discuss here.

"Of course," I assured without a second thought. The matter was obvious. Mrs. Lee combed son's hair again and again, unable to let him out of her arms.

"To eat regularly, learn diligently, care for health..." she began to exchange, without taking a look from me, full of understandable concern. She implicitly gave me a lot of other information and things that we always discussed in secret from Donghyuck. This included, of course, the drugs he was taking, the allergies he was experiencing and the control meetings with his therapist once every few months. "I will visit you," she assured, her eyes slightly glazed. I put a hand on woman's shoulder and gently rubbed it.

"As often as you wish," I said gently with a smile. "No harm will come to Hyuckie," I whispered in her ear, when we decided to hug each other too.

"I know," she replied equally quietly. "I trust you."

❤

I sat in pajamas on the bed and stared at the opposite wall. There was nothing particularly interesting about it. I simply just couldn't take my eyes off it. In hands, I was squeezing a cup of tea that Minhyung had brought me from the downstairs before he went to the shower. Waiting for the boy, I wanted to put something in my head, think about everything that happened. However, I couldn't do it to the end. No element was sticking with the others. I was still in disarray, somehow the actual state established by the events from a few hours ago didn't reach me.

Upon our arrival at home, Johnny tried to make me laugh when the silence in the living room became unbearable. Even once or twice he managed to achieve the goal but it didn't have a long-lasting effect. I appreciated his efforts but in the present situation it was completely pointless. I just got upstairs and left Johnny with Mark downstairs, not wanting to spoil the Chicago boy staying with a friend. Minhyung strangely didn't push too much to accompany me at all costs. As usual, I was grateful for the sense of the situation and for understanding my need for loneliness. I was also grateful for the perfect moment when I didn't want to be alone anymore and he came to sit with me in a simple, pleasant silence.

"How do you feel?" boy asked after exiting the bathroom, slipping onto the mattress next to my side.

"I don't know... not so well," I admitted honestly, rubbing tired, swollen eyes. I could feel all the fever in face going up to forehead, causing a terrible headache.

"Come, lie down," Minhyung murmured, scraping me with arm to chest. "It was a long day," he sighed heavily, covering us with a quilt. Later, we stayed silent for a while, listening to each other's breaths. It wasn't easy - to think about any positives of this whole situation. However, if it wasn't for this quarrel, I wouldn't be in my boyfriend's arms. That's what I thought about, though was ashamed that I was pushing a million more serious data aside with a similar statement.

I shivered when a cat jumped out of nowhere on the quilt. I swore in spirit, closing eyes. I forgot about its existence in some way. I have rarely been to Minhyung recently and I would suspect that the animal has escaped from home rather than survived with my boyfriend.

"All in all... still no name for him," Mark said suddenly, reaching out to the cat and gently caressing him. The animal relaxed under his touch and later quickly got bored and jumped to the ground. Such attention whore.

"Let there be Mr. Cat," I whispered, hugging more firmly in the frame of Minhyung. "He probably already got used to this name. It doesn't make sense to change it. "

"Okay" blond agreed without the slightest problem, gently kissing my forehead.

"How will it be now, Mark?" I whispered finally, afraid to touch the subject right away. In spite of everything, this uncertain prospect of the future tormented me. Pretending that nothing happened didn't make any sense. Living on your own is not a matter of small caliber.

"Hm... I don't know exactly what you mean," he began carefully, playing with strands of my hair. "However, I think that we will live peacefully now. Together, as befits a good couple."

"I have to start looking for a job," I said calmly, thus explaining to him my way of thinking. It was a practical and economic track. Nobody has survived in this world, feeding only and only with mutual love and air.

"Take care of school, Hyuck," Minhyung answered with an incredibly serious and firm tone that was significantly different from the one that presented the idealistic vision of our relationship. "Don't think about work for now."

"But..." I started protesting, rising on shoulder. However, I was silenced. I gave the boy a dark look.

"No buts, honey" Mark shook head from side to side. "I'm begging you, we'll make it, Hyuckie," he whispered, seeing my uncertain look. I felt the fingers of the blond on my cheek. "There is no time to think about such things. We will unpack everything tomorrow and we'll just start thinking what's next, okay?" man asked gently, smiling in a comforting way. After a moment's hesitation, I nodded in agreement. I buried face in the hollow of the boy's neck, sighing heavily. I didn't believe that for him really everything was so simple and uncomplicated. Or maybe It was just me looking for a hole in the whole mess unnecessary?

"I love you, Minhyung," confessed quietly in complete accord with my own heart. "I'm sorry for all of this, for all this mess."

"If you apologize for anything like that, I won't accept this love," he laughed, pulling the quilt more firmly on my shoulders. "I told you this once, Hyuckie - do not apologize to me if you really didn't do anything wrong. It's not your fault - what happened today" Minhyung assured, reading the thoughts in my head without mistake. "I'm very happy that we'll live together. You should also think positively," he said cheerfully. Mark was really impossible. I think we've just gone halves with this kind of matters. I was mulling eternally about the minuses and he about the advantages of the events. In this way, we obtained the golden mean in our relationship.

"Well, I am," murmured, making Minhyung laugh with the smugness of conviction in voice.

"Let's sleep," he replied after a moment. "You have school tomorrow."

In the morning I woke up with a swollen face, aching head and without the slightest desire to live. The events of yesterday were coming back to me in nasty glimpses, giving a headache. After all, after a few minutes of opening eyes, I decided to at least enjoy the fact that I woke up cuddling into the warm chest of Minhyung. For a moment, the rest of the world ceased to count. There were only the two of us in the attic, now symbolizing some kind of strange utopia in which I really wanted to exist.

Then we went quietly in pajamas for breakfast, during which Johnny and Mr. Cat joined us. We were together and really felt full in this emotional sense. I had the illusion that I don't miss anything. Half an hour later, however, the three of us rode to school. Johnny was a special guest in Mark's classes. He was to tell about life in the USA, the local education system and development opportunities, bypassing the nightlife, which he vigorously led there. The thing is, our path always leads past my house and it was the moment that the soap bubble burst and I lost all hard-won humor.

At school, Minhyung couldn't hug me anymore, kiss eyelids and say that everything is great.

At school, I was only on my own and on Jeno, who wouldn't let me rest when saw my swollen face without a smile. Questions began, insults at my father and, of course, words of support. I also noticed that specific kind of watchful eyesight that all my relatives always had when I was mentally collapsing. Watching and monitoring whether this is the moment when the risk of taking your own life increases or whether there is still a safe reserve before you need to intervene. The explanations that I had thoughts of suicide behind long time ago didn't help. A suicide was always a suicide. A patch that can no longer be removed.

As if in addition to this wonderful morning, on the other side of the corridor was a person whose existence I once again had time to forget. All in larks. Frank smiled broadly, waving me a few meters from the distance. I uncertainly answered him, not being able to create even a gram of enthusiasm. I glanced over shoulder again to see if Mark was surely taking care of Johnny and wasn't lurking around. Jealous boyfriend wasn't exactly a thing that I was bale to handle now. I wondered how long it would take him to get to know Frank and connect him with my person. I was hoping for all eternity because I felt that I wouldn't regain the mood for quarrels that soon.

"Actually, I was looking for you," he said when we had each other at hand. "Why are you so depressed?" Inaldi was surprised, looking at me carefully.

"I had a long and hard night," muttered sleepily, rubbing sleepy eyes with the back of hand. As if to confirm all this, I automatically yawned, not being able to stop this reflex.

"What happened?" man asked with real concern, which instead of improving my mood, only irritated. It really wasn't a good time to renew my old acquaintance, which could have made me even more confused in life. It definitely didn't help. Besides, I really didn't feel anything for him anymore. Frank probably had a slightly different opinion on this subject.

"This isn't really important," I replied briefly, wishing to cut it. Processing the matter of my expulsion from the house for the hundredth time didn't really appeal to me. "Why did you look for me?" I asked, making eye contact with him, which was somewhat a mistake. I swallowed. He was still pretty handsome. And from what I saw in his eyes - not less worried at all.

"Donghyuck..." he muttered uncertainly, wanting to force some explanation on me. After all, for me, the times in which I confided in my problems came to an end. I had too much to lose.

"Frank... come on," I replied calmly, shaking head from side to side. The man sighed heavily, rolling eyes. He took the register from under armpit, loosening it in the palm of hand along the body.

"Okay, you won" he muttered reluctantly. "But you can always count on me, okay?"

"Thanks. What is this matter?" I quickly changed the subject, wanting to get off the field as soon as possible. Jeno leaned arm against the pillar at the other end of the corridor, probably preparing a million virulent remarks at me. I stepped from foot to foot.

"Are you still singing and playing the piano?" he asked curiously.

"No," I denied it quickly, adding to this negating shaking of head. "It's gone," I added firmly, stomping at friend, who was smiling silly under breath.

"Why did you stop?" Frank asked another uncomfortable question and my impatience increased. Why did we have to settle this matter in the middle of the corridor during the break?

"Because you left" I said completely without thinking, immediately falling silent. Sometimes my thoughtlessness fascinated me. In fact, it really was the truth. However, I didn't necessarily want to communicate it to Frank. It got a bit awkward. "I'm sorry, it wasn't supposed to sound like that..." I said timidly, dropping eyes on shoes.

"Understood," he said timidly. "Would you like to come back to it, however? To playing, of course," he said quickly, adding this completely unnecessary, specifying expression.

"Well, I guess it's this..." I laughed softly, looking away from the wall. "I don't know, I would have to think about it," I replied truthfully, absorbing the posters hanging in the display cases on the walls. I didn't have a head for those stupid things form the past right now. "Why do you suddenly ask about it?" I was surprised. The man shrugged.

"I have too much free time... And I remember our shared times well, so..." he stopped, giving rise to another uncomfortable silence. I couldn't get out of it anymore, falling a victim of terrible stillness. "I'll leave you with this. Just as you think, let me know. "

"Okay," I agreed, taking a significant step to the side, to avoid Frank and signal that it was the end of the conversation. "Bye" I muttered under breath, speeding up pace.

I had the impression that I was packing myself into ever-larger swamps for my own life. Jeno's dirty smile only convinced me in this belief.


	22. Lion in the full sun

With the arrival of the weekend everything in my head suddenly fell silent. All this existential magical noise went to sleep, showing in my perception quiet chirp of birds, which besieged the branches of the tree just outside the window. This tree has grown here since Minhyung remembered, it was probably older than we both together. During a gale or a storm, its stems knocked gently on the glass, although our bedroom was located in the attic. I've always been a bit fearful, so I used to wake up at night when nature asked us to let her children in. Usually I was looking for Minhyung's body then, and if I wasn't already hiding in his arms, I would quickly close the distance between our bodies in search of a lost sense of security.

At the very beginning of our relationship, when we started to sleep with each other (and I do not mean sexual aspect here at all), I usually took the left side of the bed and Minhyung's body blocked the visual access to the view of the world outside the window. Over time, we've interchanged mattress halves because I usually sleep less than my boyfriend. For as long as I remember, I woke up earlier than the rest of the people, so at sleepovers or parties I always had to wait for the rest to resurrect. So Mark had no problem with this type of switch and we made a deal. The boy was also able to sleep in all conditions. Even if he had particular preferences regarding the sleeping environment, they were not rituals without which sleep would never come.

Today, however, I have devoted little attention to the outside world. Instead, I focused on a different kind of world to me that had a typical human face. Minhyung slept deeply and it seemed that I had at least an hour of shameless staring at his face. Sharp features, pale complexion, dark eyebrows contrasting with blonde curls, which were no longer suited to his age or his profession. Mark didn't even consider changing appearance, however, and I didn't dare insist. It was important that boy felt comfortable with himself. I was also happy then. All this consisted of a picture of Minhyung I didn't want to change. He was somehow unusual, exceptional and precious with his both attitude towards life, human relations, culture and so on and extraordinary character that mirrors boy's very complex inner life.

During that hour, my head was filled with thoughts like that I could wake up in the same way every day. I didn't mind similar monotony. Start each day at the side of a beloved man, with his hand on my waist, with leg slipped between mine and body pressed against one another - isn't it the vision of the ideal relationship? In my opinion - totally, although everyone could have a different prospect of their being. It was about the presence of the other, warm body at your fingertips. It was the warmth that I was always greedy for. That was the missing piece of my soul. However, this missing piece was sometimes drowned in fear and doubts. Doubts of all kinds - that I dream too boldly, too idealistically, without calculating the adequate error regarding the changes in the perception of the relationship with the passing years.

"How long are you awake?" Minhyung asked, still not opening eyes. I couldn't hide the thrill of surprise. His question was so sudden and unexpected that I was almost scared.

"Shortly," I replied calmly, hugging his chest as boy turned on back. He stretched slowly, like a lion finishing a nap on a stone in the full sun.

"Born liar," Mark said with a yawn, immediately investing me with the warm arm of a man just awakened from a deep sleep. I melted under the influence of the boy's touch, dreaming of lying in bed all day just this way. "What did you dream today?"

"Hmmm..." I muttered under breath, putting a cool hand under Mark's shirt. I placed it in the area where he had a tattoo. Although I couldn't see it now, I could have sworn that in some strange way I felt every detail of it under my fingertips.

"Icy" shivered, lightly tying the abdominal muscles. I didn't understand how he had any of it because I had never seen Minhyung during any physical activity except for flicking through the channels. Each of us has apparently been given a different portion of perfection at birth.

"I think that it was something unpleasant," I murmured in response. I know I woke up once or twice during the night but I went to pee and on the way to bathroom all the memory of the sleepy scenery was gone forever. "But I can't remember what exactly anymore."

"I'm asking because you were starting at night, you know?" muttered under breath, separating the strands of my hair fondly.

"Did I say something?" I was curious. I've been talking in sleep since I was a child. Usually is was insignificant, unreliable shit but sometimes I disclose other people's secrets and my own secrets, and that is much less optimistic vision.

"Something gibberish but I didn't understand anything" Mark laughed as if at the mere mention of my nonsense smile was growing on lips itself.

"Mhm... Did you dream anything?" I asked, lifting body on elbow to look at the blonde. He shook head in denial.

"I rarely have dreams," boy whispered, touching my cheek with the back of hand.

"Interesting things," I muttered in response, lacing our fingers together, that Minhyung slowly kissed, sighing heavily. We looked at each other for no apparent reason or message to pass. It was simply a pleasant and peaceful task - no questions asked, no unnecessary hidden agenda. "Do you think I should go back to singing?" I asked quietly, not to destroy the moment of intimacy. There was no better time than this one and I had to ask the blonde for a opinion. Either way, now we have shared our lives more than ever before.

"A nice idea," he said, nodding. "At our school?" boy asked this problematic question, to which I answered in the affirmative. I couldn't lie, although I really wanted to. But life has already taught me that secrets that can spoil a lot in life somehow come to light much faster than any other. "With this Music guy who has now come back from the internship in the States?" He raised eyebrow significantly and I lowered eyes. So, however, I chose the wrong moment. Like I said, bad secrets don't know the day or the hour. Well, it happens. "I've been waiting for you to tell me, you know..." Mark sighed with resignation. It turns out that it never made sense to hide the fact that Frank returned. Somehow, the blonde's strange behavior over the past month began to explain itself. "Despite everything, we work in one school. We once had to bump into each other" he explained calmly with a shrug. I guess he wasn't tragically angry. Maybe a bit disappointed. After all, I didn't conceal this fact out of bad will or wanting to wildly romance with another teacher behind my own boyfriend's back. It just happened.

"And so I hoped you wouldn't guess," I admitted shamelessly. In spite of everything, Minhyung didn't seem tragically rancorous about this fact so I chose to admit guilt and express thoughts aloud.. Boy accepted the information about Frank calmly, even disturbingly calm. Either he had a lot of time to come to terms with this thought, or he simply trusted me a lot, OR he was already wondering how to kill his opponent.

"Why didn't you even mention a word about him?" Mark was surprised. I shrugged, looking at our entwined fingers that rested comfortably on Minhyung's chest.

"Turned out this way," I murmured childishly, rubbing his thumb with mine. "I was afraid that you would get angry, yell at me and you will be jealous and then a million more important things happened and it really went out of my mind..." I threw it out from chest at one uncertain exhalation, feeling guilty and looking at the boy whose eyebrow kept shaking abnormally high in suspicion.

"I am jealous," he admitted bluntly, not even smiling. I gave him a look of embarrassment with the admixture of a huge sense of shame and begging for forgiveness.

"Come on," I whispered, placing a gentle kiss on his chin as part of reconciliation. "Babyyy" I muttered embarrassed, feeling cheeks turn purple with embarrassment. I hardly ever talked to him like that and felt silly about it. Minhyung laughed. "You're messed up," I hit him on the shoulder, sitting cross-legged on the mattress. The blond man pulled himself up to the reclining position, taking my hand back to him.

"The medical term is a Love Sickness," he explained to me, sliding thumb over the inner dermatoglyphics of my hand. For some reason, he spoke incredibly seriously on this subject. "Such a disorder cannot be underestimated, Hyuck," he shook head from side to side with a mock disappointment in my carefree attitude that ignored his deadly disease.

"I love you" I started laughing loudly, leaning in to kiss him. The boy returned the kiss, drawing me to knees. _Never too much sweet closeness,_ as Johnny says.

"And I love you but I don't like such surprises," he said quite seriously. I sighed heavily, biting lower lip and nodded as a mark of mine understanding.

"I'm sorry," whispered the honest message directly to blond's lips and rested forehead on his. Minhyung ran finger along the line of my neck and then over the entire length of the collarbone. He did it very slowly and delicately, as if afraid that today was holding me in arms for the last time. Sometimes I really didn't understand the basics of his apocalyptic visions of our sudden breakup.

"I hope this loser won't try to cast me aside," he murmured thoughtfully, giving me a kiss.

"You don't have any competitor," I half-seriously joked, combing his longer hair behind ear. Minhyung was my childhood dream and then became the passionate desire of an adult. I don't know who would have to show up in my life now to be able to make it all invalid. Frank was definitely not that person.

"Seriously, I cannot even get angry with you for too long," he said with disappointment. It didn't bother me as long as I didn't anything wrong at all. I didn't betray Mark and I didn't intend to do it. Our quarrels were hard for me to endure. I've always had been terribly troubled by even the slightest arguments, so the fact of avoiding such a confrontation today made me feel better.

"You have no reason to get angry," I explained him in the most charming way I could. I could be sweet and seductive when I wanted to. It worked a lot on Mark and sometimes I insolently used his weakness which was my strength.

"Why do you ask me for a thinking anyway? After all, the decision belongs to you," he was surprised after a moment's reflection. Singing case came to surface again. I was grateful that he respected such values as my private space or autonomy but I never liked to make decisions alone - even the simplest ones.

"Because I don't know if I still like to do it, or if I remember anything about it..." I began to slowly list all my doubts one by one. I simply needed any encouragement from someone important to me, but not related to the subject of music at all.

"Try it, Hyuckie..." he said calmly but with a note closer to an unidentified disappointment. "If you won't like it, you'll give it up and that's it."

"If you say so..." I sighed with relief, resting cheek on the shoulder of the blonde.

We were silent for a moment, listening to our calm breaths. I think we've exhausted the topic of heavy conversations and jealousy for today. It made me happy. The birds were still chirping and more and more sunlight was falling through the small window of our bedroom. It was going to be a fantastic, beautiful day. I hoped Minhyung had a plan to spend it outside. We had a great time lying on the warm sheets but the fresh air was asking for our presence somewhere in nature.

"Unless I see how the fella makes goo-goo eyes at you. In that case you'll give it up in accelerated mode," boy suddenly ordered in a deadly serious voice, breaking the silence and I started laughing again, kissing Minhyung's neck gently.

"Okie" I agreed, not wanting to provoke an argument. Regardless this conversation was surprisingly fun and peaceful. I was totally amazed. In terms of being jealous, Mark had no rivals. He unanimously won all categories related to this issue. "Minhyuuuung?" I began mumbling, tearing the boy gently at the t-shirts sleeves.

"Hm?" he sighed heavily in response, as if bracing himself for more news he didn't want to hear.

"What are we eating for breakfast today?" I asked, feeling hunger rising in stomach.

"Funny that you just ask me about it," he laughed in disbelief.

❤

Everyone wants to have a place in the world only for themselves. Autonomous area, its own enclave. At school, it was quite difficult to achieve such desire but since I started working here, this desire was fulfilled. I didn't think too much about the fact that every idyll has its end.

"I see that I'm not the only discoverer of this corner" I heard a male voice not very pleasant for my ear. I didn't comment on this poor attempt to make a conversation, which didn't discourage my new colleague. Frank sat down next to me, on the floor, touching my knee with his fraternisingly. "What's up?" He asked cheerfully, as if just found best friend.

"Nothing extraordinary" I sighed. "Looking for peace during a noisy break," I said, hoping he'll understand the allusions. He didn't.

"I used to like spending time here before I left," he announced happily, looking out the window at the school yard. Spring weather didn't mean warm temperature, although the sun was very bright and radiant. The kids were still reluctant to go outside and not many of them chose the option of an open-air break. Donghyuck sat in a typical place on the bench with Jeno, who was telling him something fiercely. I heard that Koeun invited him on a date, so probably their discourse was about that. I couldn't believe that my boyfriend's friend was such a wimp that the girl had to force him to go out for a romantic meeting. There was also the question of how they would play the end of Hyuck's alleged relationship with this little yaoist but when I last talked with the brunet about it, they didn't have any specific plan in mind.

"You can sometimes laugh at kids, when the weather is better," I said reluctantly, not wanting to be perceived as some kind of yahoo. Officially, we didn't have anything against each other. Showing such an overt reluctance to the theoretically unknown guy was uncultured behavior.

"That's true" he admitted me right, not for a moment loosing radiant smile. "Now I look at some of them and compare them with what they were before my departure and I cann't let it pass that they're growing up so quickly" Frank sighed nostalgically, as if coming to term with the fact that his onlu daughter is leaving house to go to university.

"I know exactly what you're talking about," I replied reflexively, being perfectly aware that we were probably both looking and talking about the same person at the moment.

"I regret a little that I left... I've overlooked so many things, so much changed" he sighed, shrugging. I looked at him discreetly, finding in what he said a certain rightness, some reference to myself.

"Who would have thought that Ansan will be able to change that way in just a few years" I smiled to myself as remembered first visit to this place after five years. At the time, I thought that nothing had changed at all. As I live in Ansan and spend my time here, I have to admit I was wrong.

"Are you from here?" Frank was surprised, looking away from Jeno and Haechan for a moment.

"I was brought up in Ansan," I explained to him succinctly. Not a very pleasant piece of the past. I didn't necessarily want to develop it at school with an almost unknown guy by my side.

"Why did you leave?" He asked, causing my heart to make some unpleasant turns in chest. I was surprised, however, that was able to answer this question without much difficulty, as if I could more easily deal with this kind of tragedy now.

"After the death of my parents, my aunt, who has lived in Canada for a long time then, took care of me," I said calmly. "That's why I had to leave when I didn't exactly want to. I was seventeen" I quickly revealed a piece of the past in the hope that it would satisfy Inaldi and keep him from asking any more questions.

"I'm guessing that you didn't like living abroad since you came back to Korea," he laughed warmly, not dealing with unnecessary and usuall condolences. In fact, I was very grateful to him for that and gained a few points on the scale of Mark Lee's sympathy.

"Complete opposite," I replied truthfully. "Life in Canada was fantastic, just..." I stumbled for a moment, glancing quickly at Donghyuck. "You know how it is with teenagers," I laughed nervously, dropping eyes on hands. "I fell in love, I left my first big crush here and somehow I couldn't suffer it. I had to go back when the opportunity came."

"I'm guessing you found her as you're still here" Frank said in a voice that was almost congratulatory on the achievement.

"Yes" I sighed heavily, only at this moment noticing how lucky I was. Earlier, it somehow didn't fully reach me, that the fact of finding Donghyuck and being with him now in a relationship is some incredible destiny, a gift much more valuable than a lottery win, which was equally unlikely to hit me. "Why do you come back here?" I asked, expecting a response in understandable tension, although it was in fact predictable.

"For the same reason," he laughed, probably acknowledging this fate and paradoxical affinity of interests as extremely funny. I was n't amused because I knew the context of all this strange coincidence. "But unfortunately I'm not as lucky as you are," he sighed heavily. "I found this person but I found a strange wall between us that I can't get over," he murmured thoughtfully. "Maybe it's just a matter of time, some bigger effort or commitment, so I'm not going to give up," he replied with admirable determination and if it wasn't for my boyfriend, I would probably try to cheer him up but in this situation I couldn't get myself for a resemblant gesture.

"I'm sorry," I said simply with the bell announcing the end of the break.

❤

"I don't know how it worked out but last year they were at the national championships," said Renjun when we were coming back from school. The thing was about our school volleyball team.

"I guess they've did it themselves because I can't see Mr. Byun as a coach of the year," Jeno said, categorically depreciating our physical education teacher. Indeed, he wasn't the best at what he was doing. This man didn't even try to show that he cares.

"After all, last year they were making a fair with cakes and lemonade to earn for new team shirts, don't you remember?" I asked in disbelief. It was a toss on the whole school, which caused a little controversy. In the end, the school sponsored the equipment itself because the parents took a bit in their hands.

"Somehow I missed it," Jeno answered me, scratching head thoughtfully. After looking at Renjun I also concluded that this event had escaped his attention. "In any case, it shouldn't be like that," my friend added after a moment. "It's a school scandal and a great respect for the team because I couldn't play in such conditions."

"Playing in the winter on the outside court because there is no other way to train..." Renjun shuddered at the memory of last winter. His ex-sympathy played in this team so he also had to experience those frosts much more than we did.

"In two words - fucked up," I murmured, reaching into pocket for a vibrating phone. "Full of longing?" I asked, laughing into the receiver. We saw each other at school today an exceptional number of times. Should be enough for him.

"Obviously," Minhyung admitted shamelessly, not even trying to hide his love drive. I was always amazed by the boy's directness and the lightness of everything he said. "Where are you?" Mark asked, back to being serious.

"A bit behind the school," I said, glancing back to assess our distance from the facility. "I'm with Jeno and Renjun," added after a moment's thought, recognizing that this could be important information. 

"I've finished my classes and wanted to catch you now," he explained calmly. "But if you have any plans, then have fun, honey" said calmly and I knew he really meant it. He wasn't the dirty asshole type when it came to my interactions with friends.

"Actually, we don't have any," I admitted completely honestly. "Where should I wait?"

"By this small, colorful store at the intersection?" Mark offered and I looked ahead, seeing the point he was talking about in the distance. I nodded, looking at the boys. They pretended to be imersed in conversation but I knew perfectly well that they were listening to every word. Boys were too excited about the fact that their friend was dating a teacher and no one else knew about it. "I'd be in fifteen minutes, I'm just going to put away the register quickly," he said, audibly changing faster walk into a light jog. "I thought we could go for some bigger shopping."

"Uuuu, shopping?" my joy at this moment was no joke. We rarely went to the supermarket together for the simple reason that we always had to go to a neighboring town for that purpose. Being in such a relationship wasn't only the pleasure itself but also some limitations resulting from the place of residence. Everyone knew each other in Ansan and if you didn't look after your backyard then... well, they would give a look through our windows nosily. Fortunately, we just lived almost in the forest at the very edge of the town, so this problem didn't exist for us but living on the estate I had to reckon with the fact that always some neighbor is watching.

"Recently you complained that you have nothing to cook from, so it's probably a good moment," he said happily.

"You're sweet," I whispered softly to protect my friends' ears from similar messages but I didn't succeed. The guys poked elbows, giggling in a discreet manner.

"Adored" Mark confirmed without a moment of reflection on what he said.

"And self-righteous," I said, raising a mocking eyebrow.

"Okay, okay," he said louder, drowning out any negative messages he didn't want to hear. "Wait for me," Minhyung plead, then quickly hung up. I laughed under breath. Minhyung's self-esteem was sometimes a fascinating phenomenon for me.

"God, you are really happy, Haechan" Renjun melted over our conversation, making me realize that I'm still smiling. Jeno made a grimace on the other hand. My friend could forever pretend he still didn't like Minhyung, but I knew it is otherwise. Deep in heart, he enjoyed the prospect of finally making my own life.

"That you always have to make a blooper with some nonsense," he muttered in disgust to Renjun, looking at red-haired friend. From the time of the small argument with Mark at school, that's how it looked. They still couldn't get over this bummer officially. Men's pride.

"How is it to live together?" Renjun asked, completely ignoring Jeno's pessimism. Friends knew about my current situation at home - with parents and so on. There was no point in hiding it because these unpleasant facts would have come out at the first opportunity.

"Good" I shrugged. But that's how it was. Ordinary, good, calm. We just lived together - I think that's the best way to describe it.

"Don't you argue?" he asked, somewhat shocked. I laughed. If only such a scenario was possible...

"No, of course we are arguing," I admitted without shame. "But these are rather small arguments, I think. We have nothing to argue about actually," added after a moment's deep reflection.

"So far" Jeno interjected calmly, walking forward with hands in trouser pockets.

"So far" I agreed, thus cutting off this uncomfortable topic of my relationship with Minhyung.

❤

Pushing a trolley with Hyuck inside, I told myself that I was training biceps. The boy had so much joy and pleasure from this trip that I couldn't refuse him this kind of ride. He sat in the basket, reviewing the shopping list he had written on knee in the car. We walked slowly between the alleys, necessarily driving into every possible department with food. Hyuck showed different products with finger and I took them from the shelves and threw in the trolley. That's how our shopping in Seoul looked more or less.

In the end, we drove into my favorite department - a department with chemistry and personal hygiene of various kinds. Here I was able to fulfill myself, having in head different fantasies, which had their beginning in a boy who sat in a basket and the end was not clearly visible because we had many various possibilities. When I threw lube in Donghyuck's hands, the boy immediately threw it aside, sending me a glare.

"Do not act like you've never had it in your ass," I joked about his seemingly virtuous attitude. He didn't have to pull the wool over my eyes. I remembered exactly how this demon changes and looks like when we are in bed.

"You're so dirty sometimes" Hyuck rolled eyes and I just laughed, gently combing his hair.

"Somehow we have to be complementary to one another," I said cheerfully.

"Do you know what I like the most in living together?" I asked a boy who gently ran finger over my tattoo. I didn't understand what had fascinated him in this moth so much but did it every time he got the opportunity. As usual, I had no idea what Hyuck was thinking at that time - he never wanted to say it aloud.

"What?" boy muttered thoughtfully.

"That I have you literally always at hand," I explained, leaning over him, to kiss hard in the slightly parted, dreamed up lips. I gently moved hand along the naked body of the boy whose arms were still covered by a school uniform unbuttoned in a hurry. Hyuck laughed, shaking head in disbelief.

"That's why we do it as usual in the car instead of home like normal people?" he asked, wrapping me harder on the waist with legs. I glanced at his hair spilled all over backseat and laughing eyes. I sighed heavily, kissing Hyuck's hand lightly when boy decided to comb my lost strand of hair behind ear.

"I couldn't resist you," I said truthfully and Donghyuck began to laugh again.

"Minhyung..." he finally choked out. "We're standing on a fucking driveway," he said with unflagging amusement for my unrestrained appetite for his body.

"The car was closer" I shrugged, kissing him on the nipple. Donghyuck hasn't commented on what I said. He simply shook head once more and slowly pulled me down to kiss.


	23. Cute moles to count

When I finished classes, there was over an hour and a half until Minhyung will complete his duties related to some monthly filling in papers for the management and blank spaces in registers. We had a late Wednesday evening, so the school was completely deserted some time ago. There was not even a single soul in the corridors. It was also a time when I finally pulled socks up enough to go to the music room on the top floor and face my strange fears.

Frank was spending free time in this small class as usual, scraping something on a piece of paper. He was completely comfortable with the doors wide open and played calmly on the guitar, vibrating single strings, euthymic. I sighed heavily inwardly, feeling Minhyung's watchful look on me whenever I talked to Inaldi in private, though such a scenario was impossible at all. I tapped gently on the frame, not wanting to come over as some sneaking shit.

"May I?" I asked calmly, drawing attention of the man. His shocked eyesight made me realize that he was really deeply immersed in creative world of art. It looked like he needed few more seconds to be fully capable of having any small talk.

"Oh, Donghyuck!" man raised voice cheerfully. A genuine, pretty smile blossomed on Frank's lips. "Sure, come in, sit down, make yourself comfortable," he began to speak quickly, shoving papers from the bench he was sitting on. I laughed honestly because his absolute mess and deep chaos looked really piercing.

"Only for a moment," I said quickly that he wouldn't have to destroy the place of work. In the disorder of artists usually there was some vague logic of arranging all of this, I didn't want to disturb it. In the end, I was entering Frank's atelier - personal world.

"Have you considered?" man asked with a smile, immediately reasoning my answer out of facial expression.

"Mhm, I'd like to try," I said timidly, nodding. "You know, at the beginning to see if I remember anything," warned. I didn't want him to have any expectations about my alleged talent because those suntanned fingers haven't even got close to the piano for something like eternity and my voice haven't practised anything but radio ballads. "It's been a long time," I added after a moment to strengthen these words.

"Sure" he nodded. "I know exactly how it is, so no problem" man shrugged, looking around the class. His eyes stopped for a moment on the piano in the corner of the room. "Do you want to play something now?" Frank asked with childlike joy, as if had a wonderful eureka effect.

"No" I laughed in disbelief. Frank's proposal was so sudden that it seemed totally senseless and a bit preposterous. "Next time," I assured when noticed that his face was getting long. I didn't want to hurt him. However, this was not the right time to try such old passions. "Now I have to go," I explained truthfully. I really had to go and I couldn't spend the whole eternity with a man in a musical cubbyhole now.

"Well, okay. As you wish...," he sighed heavily, perhaps not quite believing in my story. I thought it was the end of the conversation, which is why I nodded gently for goodbye and took a step back.

"Donghyuck?" Frank called me by name before I could escape his sight.

"Yes?" I murmured with interest, believing that we had already determined everything that was possible to determine at this point.

"I miss your smile," he said warmly, stupefying me in all senses of the phrase. I had no idea what to do with such a confession from someone other than Minhyung. "Laugh more often," he asked, combing hair slowly with hand. "You look great with it," he added, not brightening situation at this moment at all.

I found myself standing in the aisle, looking at Frank with a complete emptiness in head. Should I say something? Escape? Laugh maybe? Piss off and trash him? Social and love relations wasn't an area of my interests or high skills. That's why I decided to left some things unsaid. I just nodded slightly to show that I would try to implement this request to life and walked away from the room with a complete mess in head.

❤

There was something about this boy that made me dizzy. I couldn't determine what exactly it was. Donghyuck's uniqueness consisted of too many things to choose the leading one. In addition to beauty and other physical assets, I saw in him, above all, an incredibly talented kid who was wasting all untapped, dormant potential with passivity. With such a voice that he kept tied in the throat, he could successfully win the hearts of many people. Among other things, I fell in love with him. I fell in love the moment I heard this soft, warm, ballad-made voice on a music group a few years ago. The whole charm of Donghyuck hid in how fragile and innocent he looked when indulged passionately with the work he had been doing. With all this boybaccepted every praise with shyness and slight disbelief that anyone could think that he has a huge talent for what he does. It captivated me - huge humbleness despite great skills. I never saw an ounce of self-conceit in this boy. I loved the rest of Hyuck's personality a bit later - as we got closer to each other and opened to our own problems and imperfections.

When it was too late and Donghyuck totally turned my head, a sudden flash came to me. I realized what I was doing. After all, this boy was fifteen at the time and I was his teacher. The consequences of our infatuation could be disastrous for both sides. That's why I escaped before we both got too far. I went on an internship, overwhelmed by the inadequacy of my behavior. I imagined that such a step would be helpful. I will give myself to music, in the evenings I will make money in pubs, maybe I will even arrange my life and I'll stop feeling like a pedophile who seduced a teenage boy in intolerant to the core Korea. However, all these treatments were in vain.

I returned to Ansan with the quiet hope that Donghyuck still lives here. I didn't even count on such luck as finding him still at school because, according to all my calculations, he should finish it some time ago. It was only when all this came out that I began to dig deeper and find out what caused his year in the back. Even without it, I think I would probably guess at last. It wasn't the same Donghyuck, actually. The present Hyuck didn't smile, he didn't joke, he didn't give in to passion. The boy seemed completely withdrawn from life not only socially but largely emotionally. As if the inner world was more valuable now than the one around him and in my opinion it wasn't a normal way of living because that wasn't how proper functioning looked like - especially at his age. I didn't know what kind of trauma he had to face after my departure but it must have been unimaginably painful and devastating on many levels. I hoped that during our future meetings, the boy will decide to tell me a bit more about the time when I wasn't by his side.

The school was completely empty. All lessons were over long time ago, so I thought that overnighting in this building would be quite an exaggeration and I also decided to go back to apartment.

On a way to the teacher's room, my attention was caught by the dark-haired boy, who was standing by the wall in the corridor one floor below and was reading a book. Leaning against the window sill, was probably unaware of the time of the day that found him here. I was about to approach the balustrade and shout towards Donghyuck, when Mark Lee appeared at the other end of the passage on boy's level, going ahead with the register under arm. I decided that there was no need to screm my head of because the man would certainly sense his moral duty as a teacher and explain to Hyuck that the school at this time is not the best place to read a book.

Mark Lee was a new guy at school. I considered him a pretty cool person. He was this kind of man with who you can talk on many topics but nevertheless he had the terrible nature of the coquet and was clearly conceited by the interest of women, which, of course, was enormous. All the teachers were asking for his favors and I wasn't surprised at all. Mark was handsome, a bit arrogant and self-confident but at the same time he didn't get lost in this, balancing efficiently on the verge of social correctness of his own behavior. So he had everything that women loved. I was curious what his found-after-years girlfriend would think about such behavior because he didn't act as if she were the love of his life. Unless I really knew little about true love.

And Mark, at that time went to Donghyuck indeed but what he did, didn't fit the teachers' code of conduct. Lee crept in subtly, stepping over Hyuck from behind and with all his strength slammed the boy's ass with the register, tearing the silence in the corridor with a loud slam. I raised eyebrows in amazement. Donghyuck, however, seemed far less surprised than me.

"Ouch! You're retarded or what?!" he shouted and with all strength giving the devil his due with the book he had just read, not saving force. Mark began to laugh but grabbed arm in pain, which he quickly rubbed. I didn't doubt it hurt.

"Ouch!" he replied with constant amusement in voice. "Where did you get so much strength in your hand?" asked with surprise.

"If you're pissing me off, that's how it ends." Hyuck sighed in irritation, which I wouldn't have suspected him in life. As he hid the book in backpack, Mark took advantage of his inattention and grabbed the boy's cheeks.

"What kind of vocabulary is it against teacher, hm?" he asked without a grain of anger, obviously teasing Donghyuck, who only haughtily snarled, slapping off the Lee's hands form face with a quick slap.

"First, start being this teacher, then we'll talk," he said with a sneer, making me realize that their relationship goes far beyond the school's framework. Mark's behavior only confirmed this because the man slowly leaned over the younger, wanting to kiss him most probably. Hyuck, however, had much more all marbles than _friend_ and sighed heavily, sliding Mark's face to side with index finger.

"Minhyung, we're at school," he remarked wisely. "I've told you so many times - not at school," he said in a tired voice, as if the situation had indeed its millionth scene today. I moved carefully to the pillar, fleeing discreetly from the view because the corridor could be dark but it still didn't mean that it was completely bathed in darkness. I took a strategic place that allowed me to continue to observe these two completely out of hiding.

"Who told you to go to this school?" Lee asked surreptitiously, taking a tactical half-step back.

"Who told you to start teaching at my school?" Donghyuck bounced back deftly, crossing hands provocatively on chest. Silence fell again in the corridor and the two boys stood staring at each other, though their smiles didn't go out of mouths.

"Fuck you" both said finally, literally at the same moment, instantly exploding in a consistent laughter that discharged all the tension.

"What's our dinner today?" Mark asked Donghyuck, watching the boy hiding book finally in the backpack.

"And who told you that you would get anything to eat?" Hyuck replied with such seriousness that it didn't match his attitude I've known. Men began to walk slowly towards me from the opposite end of the corridor.

"And who will do you good in bed better than me?" When this question was asked, the whole situation totally made sense in my mind. All jigsaw puzzles jumped immediately into place. Mark didn't leave some random girl in his youth in Ansan. Mark left in Ansan Donghyuck. That would explain the initial reluctance with which he referred to me. It left me, however, in total amazement because in my life I wouldn't anticipate a similar coincidence. Donghyuck didn't even mention in all these years that he once had a boyfriend, sympathy or even a friend who left. I haven't heard the name of Lee Minhyung in my life, although the occasion was really great.

"Sex with a full belly is unhealthy," Hyuck finally laughed, unable to resist the charm of boyfriend, which he emitted - even I had to admit it.

"I will pamper you for tea then," he offered, immediately covering head as the boy stood up, raising hand warningly. "Not in the face!" Lee squealed girly, disarming his student again.

"You're impossible, Minhyung" Hyuck shook head in disappointment, as if realizing that his boyfriend is more childish than a primary school kid was really painful and exhausting. Mark just laughed, embracing younger with arm.

"Hyuckie..." he murmured pleadingly, until the boy finally sighed heavily, shrugging.

"I don't know..." he muttered, taking a step forward, wanting to move from this place to the exit. "I was planning some rice with meatballs in a creamy dill sauce or pasta with chicken in spinach... what would you prefer?" boy asked calmly, not even trying to slip the teacher's hand off his shoulder.

"I love you," Mark said straight from the shoulder, receiving in return a quiet snort of laughter.

"This is not the answer, honey," Hyuck remarked resolutely, as if were talking to a really retarded child. "Don't say it so often," he asked.

"Then say it more then once in a lifetime," Lee replied with a sneer, giving rise to another quarrel, the weight of which I could no longer judge.

"It was rude."

"It was sincere."

"You are sleeping on the couch."

The couple approached me with every step more and more. I knew that their growing and then quiet voices would remain with me for a very long time and that the content of this conversation would be a dream for me today.

"We sleep together."

"God, you're pissing me off so much sometimes!" Hyuck finally moaned, which echoed from the descent to the ground floor.

"You love me anyway."

"Unfortunately."

❤

"Hey, Minhyung, can you tell me what was wrong in this task?" I asked, approaching Mark at the end of the lesson with the test. The boy glanced quickly at the page, biting the pen thoughtfully for a moment.

"Look," he murmured, nodding as a sign that I'm supposed to come closer. "Instead this phrase there must be _hadn't bought_ ," he said, drawing the arrow over the sentence.

"But why in this way?" I was surprised, knitting brows. I didn't like to not understand something. The thing was even more important to me recently and I really started to apply myself to English because of the Minhyung's family but this topic was for me some black magic. I realize that if we left one day, or if Mark's aunt and uncle came to visit us, I wouldn't be tested on grammar and correctly using sentence structures, but I still didn't want to look like an idiot.

"Because it's mixed conditional," he replied as if it were so obvious, which only intensified my powerlessness and heightened irritation. When Mark saw that popping out with such a slogan, brightened me absolute nothing, he tore out the page from the notebook and began to write out all the conditional sentences we had in class this week.

"But I know these conditions, Mark," I said with amusement. "I just don't understand why this has to be applied in these particular sentences," I explained calmly.

"You just have to sit down to it, Donghyuck," he sighed helplessly because the only longer break in this day was just taking flight. "I can't explain this to you like bang, bang on my knee in five minutes."

"What kind of teacher are you then" I asked mockingly, letting go of his guilt. I also had my lunch to eat. We might as well come back to this at home. There was no rush.

"You shouldn't talk to the teacher this way, Hyuck," I heard Frank's voice behind me. I felt a shudder, like every time something unexpected happened.

"I'm sorry," I stated without thinking, not even realising completely what I was saying. I looked quickly at the man, meeting with my puzzled look his dispassionate and dull one. He clearly had a bad day today. Usually, Frank gushed with positive energy. Today it was different. Everyone had a right to be in a bad mood every once in a while but it didn't suit Inaldi exceptionally. I could say he even looked scary in own way.

"You shouldn't apologize to me but to Mr. Lee," he said seriously and I felt stupid. It was learning as for a preschooler and I didn't want to take a battering in front of a man as ill-mannered and childish person. On the other hand, when I saw Minhyung's eyesight, any guilty conscience I felt minutes ago disappeared and I burned with desire to kill. That look told me that calling him _Mr. Lee_ was on the verge of bed erotic fantasy and his dreams.

"I'm sorry, _Mr. Lee_ ," I said, raising eyebrow provocatively. I was hoping that very clearly I gave him this message, how much he was fucked right now with recommendation of the manual entitled " _Is living in Celibacy for the rest of your life possible_ "?

"Nothing has happened, Donghyuck." Minhyung replied with a very similar look, smiling under breath. In a word, he accepted the challenge but didn't believe that I would be able to resist his personal charm. Naturally, I reciprocated that smile messaging him that it would do him good, as if this training of faith had already begun because in the evening its level must make it possible to survive in sexual temperance.

Our intense exchange of glances, full of non-verbal messages, was interrupted by a quiet grunt. Frank very effectively reminded me of his presence and the level of embarrassment, which has now completely gone beyond the scale. Fucking Minhyung because of whom I was completely forgetting about the world around me. Inaldi slipped in subtly between the two of us, interrupting this dumb battle and putting a register on Mark's desk with a soft click.

"2B" announced harshly. "I'm sorry if I interrupted something important," he added immediately, as if wanted to soften speech but he used the same tone of voice, so probably didn't mean it.

"You didn't interrupt anything," I assured quickly. I took papers from the desk with class book, sending Minhyung the most murderous look I could afford.

❤

"We've already finished," he said in a grave tone, making it clear to me that we'll pay when we get home. There was something so cute and funny at times in the upset Donghyuck that I couldn't stop myself and snorted a silent laugh, covering mouth with hand. Evidently I was worsening my already poor position and for the sake of Frank's presence, I couldn't alleviate it in any way.

"Hey, Hyuck!" I called quickly after boy almost left the room. "Can you print out Johnny's plane tickets?" I asked uncertainly, quickly realizing that any request was not indicated at this time. The boy looked at me in disbelief, sighing heavily. "Please?" I tried to soften his heart with a charming smile. I could have sworn that the juicy _fuck you_ gently rolled on his tongue but Frank's presence effectively inhibited the need for such expression on his part.

"Don't push your luck," he said simply, bettering the bag on shoulder. I knew it meant silent agreement. Maybe he wanted to kill me today but couldn't stop loving me, right? So I was grateful to him.

"Thank you!" I shouted at the boy's back, picking up my own things.

"You should not allow a student to talk to you like that." Frank suddenly told in such a way as if were the headmaster himself now and I was a completely green teacher who couldn't draw the line between student-teacher and student-friend relationship. I shrugged.

"Nothing has happened, seriously," I sighed absently, unable to track down pen. I got it from aunt as a reward for pulling my hopeless life together, so it couldn't be some cheap shit. Losing it meant death. So I was under a double sentence if I took into account the touchy love of my life. "I've known Donghyuck for a long time. Long before I started to work here so our relationship is a bit more complex," I explained him, giving a dumb message that his chances are non-existent so he shoud fuck off and take care of himself because he's wasting my time. Of course - all put in pretty words. After all, I'm a cultured man. A man who has found his filthy rich pen.

"It is also dangerous," frank said seriously. Oh no, my lord. Just don't start this conversation with me.

"And why is that?" I asked, pulling eyebrows for lack of understanding and quickly popped the laptop into bag and got up from the desk, throwing it over shoulder.

"You know... private acquaintance with a student..." he suggested quite ambiguously, I didn't know whether man was really warning me or threatening. I had the impression that this was the second option, which must have meant that my relationship with Donghyuck was apparently more than obvious. It didn't look good in such a balance of power.

"I've never heared of friendship being something unethical," I remarked cautiously, placing weight of body on left leg.

"People can understand many things wrongly" Frank supposedly shrugged as he said it, but body language showed that man was paying too much attention to our exchanges of opinion. The mere fact that he had brought the journal, although didn't have to, made me realize that man was here for a specific purpose. I think we fell into trap with Donghyuck and it's time to defend.

"It's their problem, don't you think?" I suggested, shaking the keys with urgent move. I don't like the track in which this conversation was going. It was a very slimy area.

"Scandals with teachers are governed by completely different laws. They cause storms quickly" Frank said calmly, smiling under breath. I huffed a soft laugh as I met his eyes boldly. I wasn't going to back out.

"What exactly do you mean, hm?" All right. So I am dealing with a camouflaged threat. It didn't look good. Nancy-dramas never ended well and always looked much worse than those in heterosexual relationships. All homo-shit wasn't for me. _You have no chance for a triangle, fancy gaylord of music classes_. It was a very good thing to tell him because the chances for duet with my boyfriend was all the more under zero.

"Nothing," he shrugged, making a theatrically innocent face. Embarrassing and cringe. It's good that he went into music, not acting because he would be living from hand to mouth with such poor skills. "I'm just warning you."

"Yeah, sure" I sighed with waning involvement in this stupid exchange of opinions. Donghyuck was my boyfriend, not his, so I didn't understand Inaldi's expectations at all. I should quit everything and go back to Canada so that he could play with him or what? I grimaced at the thought of such a solution.

"It's easy to lose your job because of such stupidity," he added quite unnecessarily because it was the final stage of my infinite patience. The mere thought that Donghyuck was once associated with this tattooed bastard, killed me from the inside so his veiled surfacings of unfulfilled romantic only fueled my inner demon of irritation.

"It's fortunate that for me it's rather a hobby, not profession and we're all grown up here, so we can put our dicks in any ass we dream of at pleasure and as much as we like so its our own business with who we're fucking both at school and after it" I said straightforwardly. There was no use inavoiding confrontation and hiding in the closet once again. He wanted to find out what exactly is between Hyuck and me? Here you are. I decided to put it literally so that Frank would have no doubts about how we spend our free time in bed. "Nevertheless, thanks for the fascinating advice. I will take it into account" I smirked at the sight of the shock painted on the man's face. I don't think he expected that I would have all these social conventions deep in my ass. The world was big. It didn't end with Ansan. That thought encouraged me. "You have any valuable life wisdom yet or can I go and eat my lunch in peace?" I asked with false enthusiasm, putting hand on Inaldi's shoulder as a covenant of friendship.

"No, I had only a register," Frank replied sluggishly, apparently still processing my rather blunt message.

"Then thank it warmly," I added with a smile. "If it were not for this register, we won't find out about many interesting things about ourselves today. I also rate this meeting as a plus thanks to that," I patted him firmly in the back, passing on the way to the exit. "See you, friend."

See you never.

Fucker.

❤

"That's why it's _hadn't taken_ here and _wouldn't be_ here," Minhyung said calmly, writing down the phrases he spoke of in place of the dots on the sheet. "Is it somehow more clear to you now?" he asked, brushing my hair back from forehead. I leaned head restlessly on his shoulder, feeling already overwhelmed by all this knowledge acquired during the last hour. Mark was gently massaging my feet, which I rested on his thighs. We sat in the kitchen and tried to get through this difficult material for me.

"So here will be _had passed_?" I murmured drowsily, knocking at the dotted place with a heavy finger. "And here _would be going_?" I looked at the boy hopefully. Minhyung smiled under breath, kissing me gently on the nose.

"My wise little sweetie," he whispered.

"Yaaay" I was a little bland as got up, getting up from chair sluggishly. I had reached this stage of learning where instead of my brain I had overcooked udon noodles. Any new mental effort was pointless.

"But hello!" Minhyung laughed a lot more vigorously, grabbing my hand. "Where's the payment for tutoring?" he asked, pulling me to his knees. I rolled eyes, smiling under breath. "I don't believe in volunteering," boy whispered, placing hands on my hips as I sat on the boy astride.

"Choose the form of payment", I murmured, leaning our foreheads against each other. 

"Be careful, I can ask for something that you won't be able to give me," he warned jokingly, hiding hands under my shirt. I smiled.

"I guess it's impossible now because I'm all yours," I said a bit cheesy but Mark didn't mind. He liked cheesy things so he unscrupulously kissed this cheesiness away from my mouth.

This afternoon we said goodbye to Johnny at the airport so we had the whole house to ourselves. We didn't have to be afraid that suddenly someone would stand in the bedroom door and there would be an atmosphere of general embarrassment on both sides. We didn't have to be discreet or restrict ourselves to a specific room. We could even undress here now and end up on the stairs on the way to the attic, and there are no witnesses. And it was great. 

When we broke away from each other for a moment, Mark slowly touched my cheek thoughtfully, as if some thought persistently gave him no peace. It was so easy with Minhyung in this respect that I could read such changes very quickly from the way he touched me. The boy had a specific pattern of conduct when he was tormented by stupid thoughts. He would undress me differently, kiss me differently, start foreplay with strange body parts. We've been in a relationship for a while. Enough to just know something's wrong.

"I know I'm repeating myself, but..." boy muttered unhurriedly, sliding finger down my nose. "You're beautiful, Donghyuck," Mark whispered, embarrassing me. I looked down, smiling under breath. I could bet my cheeks were just blushing.

"It embarrasses me equally every time," I murmured, making Minhyung laugh a little bit.

"Even your moles are cute," he said quite seriously, kissing first on the temple and then the one under the eye, on the jaw and larynx, gently tickling me. I chuckled softly, slipping fingers into Minhyung's hair.

"Do you want to count them?" I asked timidly because I was almost never an initiative-goer of any sexual games.

"All of them?" Mark even didn't pretend to be surprised. I nodded uncertainly.

"All of them" I whispered, bringing our faces closer together.

"With pleasure," Minhyung muttered, closing the whole process with his lips.


	24. Tears telling their own story

"Would you like to come and listen to my playing?" Donghyuck suddenly asked after a long silence between us.

"I was wondering when this day would finally come," I admitted honestly, looking at the boy with a smile. He rolled his eyes, sighing heavily.

"I wasn't ready," he explained to me, as if it were obvious. In fact, it wasn't. We've never talked about his extra-curricular activities. "I wanted to master everything to perfection first," boy added, looking down at our feet.

"Okay" I laughed encouragingly, swinging in the air with our laced fingers.

It was a very pleasant Sunday, almost a typical summer morning even though untill calendar summer we still had some time. We both agreed that the weather is just perfect for a walk. The forest continued to wake up from winter sleep, blossoming again and again. It was the same thing with us. We slowly worked out some common patterns of a sharing space in one house, which was very diverse. Suddenly, it turned out that we fold clothes in a completely different way, we have earned different cleaning patterns and the morning routine of one another is governed by different laws. It happens. Currently, however, we're getting along very well and have reorganized our lives in order to find the golden mean of our common needs, which eventually met halfway. The art of compromise made us a pair so perfect that each of us wondered secretly when in the end something will suddenly go away and our lives would fall apart. However, we didn't say similar things out loud to avoid self-fulfilling prophecies.

"It may be this Thursday because I wait anyway until you finish the duty hours and the school will be empty then." Donghyuck suggested and I couldn't disagree with a similar solution.

"What about the place?" I asked. "I don't have an access to all the rooms at school."

"I have a key" boy smiled happily, almost bouncing in place. He really had to plan everything. I smiled under breath. "Frank said that I can come there whenever I want to, so that's our smallest problem," he added, obliterating the whole magic of the last moment with the name of this fool.

"Mhm" I muttered reluctantly, not able to hide my disgust. There was nothing more damaging a man's pride than the fact that there was another man out there who was able to offer a smile to your boyfriend with something you weren't capable of. Especially if it is an unofficial, potential ex.

"What kind of _mhm_ is it?" Hyuck asked at once, sensing a sudden change of mood. He was always able to decode me. Especially now, after the amount of time we spent together.

"None" I shrugged. I didn't want to spoil him this whole joy of planning the meeting. Donghyuck was really happy that he could show me something of his own work, music, self. I would be fucking asshole, pulling him down with prejudices. I didn't want to be that person. Not for him. 

"I know all your _mhm_ s and I don't like this one too much," he said straight from the shoulder, not playing with the verbal half-measures. I shrugged.

"I don't like this faggot," I finally said. Inaldi woke up dormant layers of verbal aggression in me. I really didn't want to treat him as a threat, but I couldn't. My brain was driving me on these jealous tracks by itself.

"Frank?" he asked, somehow shocked. We've talked about this a couple of times before and I really didn't want a repeat it today. Of course, I provoked it quite unconsciously, but still...

"Mhm" I muttered again. Donghyuck laughed, nudging my shoulder.

"Don't be afraid of this name, Minhyung," he joked. "It didn't hurt you by any means," he noticed correctly but that didn't change the fact that it caused me anxiety. I rolled eyes, turning head towards the lake where we were slowly heading. I hated the feeling that came up every time we talked about Inaldi. I couldn't define it well and it bothered me a bit. Jealousy and danger, of course, but there was something else that I feared much more. My own psyche, however, was probably blocking attempts to realize what hurts me the most about it all.

"There is nothing between you two now, am I right?" I finally asked, feeling a great need to get rid of this question. It has been there for a long time, it has been fermenting and rotting, spoiling the remnants of my well-being.

Endangered masculinity?

A threatened position?

I was just afraid that I would lose what gave my life any meaning. It was existential fear - fear of loneliness, leaving and the demons of the past lurking around the corner.

"Are you nuts?," Donghyuck said with slight disbelief. I sighed heavily, closing eyes for a moment. I took a deep breath of fresh air and let it out slowly from my lungs.

"Maybe yes... Maybe not..." I muttered under breath. "I don't like him. Simply, just like that. I don't like his recent presence in my life, your life, our life," I listed out, pointing to the main culprit, the habitat of my uncertainty.

"What's wrong with him?" boy asked, though he knew the answer to this question perfectly well. He simply wanted me to say everything that was in me aloud. It made sense but it didn't change the fact that I didn't have the slightest desire to do so. I've never been good at speaking about my own weaknesses. Even as a child, I didn't know how to open up to anyone. In Canada, this condition only worsened, because I also had no one to whom I could, even if I wanted to.

"He's drooling at your sight like a dog seeing a piece of pork neck" I grimaced with disgust, saying such an accurate comparison. Donghyuck tried too keep poker face but he haven't succeeded because finally began to laugh, subtly covering mouth with hand. I rolled eyes. I knew that this is how it will end. "This is not a joke, Hyuck," I said, slightly offended.

"No?" boy was surprised falsely, almost ironically. "And that's how it sounded" pointed out the irrelevance in my thinking and approach to the matter. I was glad he found it funny but it also irritated me that he obviously didn't take my fears too seriously. I was full of contradictions on this topic.

"Take it seriously, I'm serious," I was slightly irritated, tearing apart our laced hands. Since he raked over the subject himself, he should at least try to talk to me about it and not do it all with half-words and a dismissive smile. I was no longer a child and neither was Donghyuck.

" _Seriously_ you should pull yourself together," he finally said, taking a serious tone. I didn't know what was worse anymore.

A moment of silence appeared between us for a while. Boy looked at me coldly, assessing the reality of my irritation, until finally he estimated it accurately. Donghyuck sighed heavily, tilting head back. He showed with this gesture that I act like a little like a child who is picking holes in everything to blow someone's day. At times like this, it suddenly reminded me that I was older than him and it shouldn't be like that. The age difference that we shared and that I always wanted to ignore, suddenly started to matter. However, it was probably Donghyuck's goal, so I remained adamant. The boy finally sat down on the roadside stone and looked at me thoughtfully, as if was looking for some clue as to the continuation of this conversation, which dangerously gained the status of an argument. "You have no reason to be jealous," he finally said impotently, finding no other argument to calm me down. "Now it's only a teacher" he shrugged, looking at the ground.

"I really don't know..." I murmured uncertainly, looking at the lake in the distance. Through the lack of wind, it seemed incredibly calm and serious. Mere was attracting to itself like a mermaid with her own voice was seducing sailors in a stormy sea. I didn't want to start a fuss. Recently I just used to be irritated, that's all. "But Donghyuck... You're not going to fall in love with him, hm?" I asked without taking my eyes off the water. The boy, however, remained silent for a long while, finally standing up reluctantly from the stone on which he had sat down so recently.

"You're so stupid sometimes," he told me with a tired sigh, reducing the distance between us. "Of course not," he assured, hugging slowly to my back.

"Where is this certainty coming from?" I asked grudgingly more for contrariness. I didn't want to show that he is able to soften me with the slightest gesture. I caught him gently by the hands, sliding thumb over the boy's soft skin. He was my little, delicate treasure. A treasure I promised myself to protect at all costs without letting go. The very fact that the treasure could leave me at own will was, until recently, completely out of the scope of the table of contents in the book of my life. Maybe it was a mistake.

"You can just feel that, you know?" Hyuck said with amusement, standing next to me.

In silence, we began to observe the lake. It meant a lot to us. It was a symbol of the first loves, the first timid looks and first denominations that couldn't leave the larynx. From those times, it was only this place that remained in the category of tangible relics of the past. Less than a month ago, a tree under which we hid during a summer storm six years ago plummet down. Donghyuck claimed that it was definitely a sign. Their neighbor once played a tarot and said that nature gives us various signs. People as born ignorants simply pretend not to see them. Then I didn't believe it. If I had to interpret it somehow, I would consider it a sign that it is time to forget about the past and start building our future again. Especially circumstances were favorable to such thinking, because a few days later father threw Dohngyuck out of the house. However, as usual, Haechan was full of negative feelings and thought that it was a sign that something was going to fall apart in our lives. Then I laughed it out but Frank was more and more interested in matters he shouldn't have been and the symbolism of the falling tree has definitely changed its message for me.

"Hey..." Hyuck began after a moment, pulling eyebrows thoughtfully. "I must tell you something," he confessed, turning our bodies to face each other. I swallowed. When our eyes met, Donghyuck laid hands gently on my cheeks. "But I will say it only once, so you have to take it into your head to listen to me carefully because I don't think I will repeat myself hastily in the near future. Do you understand? " boy asked, biting lower lip.

"Mhm, understand," I confirmed in a whisper, catching boy's wrists. Hyuck brought our faces closer together, as if the information he intended to tell me was shrouded in mystery and couldn't leave the space between our two and the forest in which we were located under any circumstances.

"I would never let anyone who isn't you to touch me, Minhyung," he said quietly, almost on the verge of hearing, never taking his eyes off me. Donghyuck's thumb went to my lower lip, subtly touching it. "I can't imagine undressing in front of anyone else... giving myself to someone else... sleeping with someone else and spending the rest of my life with someone other than you," he added at the end in a trembling voice, as if such a wish was something unsuitable. For me, however, it was a natural turn of things. "I've always loved, I love and I will love only you," he assured me calmly. From the observer's point of view, such a simple statement, and each time he confessed love to me, the foundations of my world began to vibrate slightly. "In our lives various things can happen, they can torment us with unresolved matters from the past and come to the surface facts that we wanted to hide or painful memories that we wanted to give to oblivion. I know that we have a lot of them, that we hide a lot more..." he muttered, dropping eyes. "But it doesn't change anything for me. Because you have always been a man of my life. You are my first and last love, although it may sound trivial and unbelievable now but that's the truth, so... "

I interrupted him in the middle of the sentence, bringing our lips together. I couldn't and didn't want to listen to it anymore. It was the first time I was embarrassed. I couldn't behave and react properly. I couldn't even answer it. My feelings seemed so obvious in head, so unambiguous and not giving in to any discussion. Simply, I wasn't able to put all these thoughts into something more than ordinary _I love you_ , which now seemed completely out of place. That's why I kissed him. I tried with that kiss to give at least the gratitude and devotion I felt to him.

"So, I can save your _mhm_ as _mhm of jealousy_ now?," he joked when our lips broke apart for a moment. I nodded with a smile.

"Have it your own way," I agreed.  
  


❤

I stood in the doorway for a long moment and watched Minhyung checking the writing of people in our class. Every now and then his lips would leave English shouts and murmurs of astonishment, disapproval or collapse: _what a shit_ ; _he should be happy that I'm passing this crap_ ; _oh god, what kind of story this girl is creating_ ; _tragedy_ ; and so on. I smiled under breath, finally approaching the man. I put hands slowly on his shoulders, hiding face in the hollow of boy's neck.

"What are we doing tonight, Mr. Lee?" I asked, placing a gentle kiss on his skin. I leaned chin on Minhyung's shoulder, looking disgusted at the whole pile of notebooks to be checked. This time during the semester was coming and it was always taking up our time together. I hated it.

"I don't know... and what do you want to do?" man muttered, barely hiding yawning. He combed my hair slowly with free hand.

"I would watch a romance," I whispered, slipping into Mark's knees sluggishly. "Melodrama" I clarified when he put arm around me.

"That's your mood today?" boy was surprised. I gave him a quick kiss and nodded head to confirm. He had been sitting in those shitty papers since morning. I came with time to relax written down in our nonexistent daily calendar.

"It's raining... A storm outside the window," I sighed heavily, putting head on Minhyung's shoulder. "The weather is perfect for such a film show," I said, tempting him more and more. Minhyung had terrible makings for a workaholic. When he started something, sometimes he didn't even eat it until he was able to finish.

"Okay" agreed with little bit of hesitation, wiping tired eyes.

"Just let it go for today, hm?" I suggested, seeing how badly he was exhausted with checking out our poor rubbish. He didn't like it too much but had to meet certain requirements from on high and the monthly essays were included in the syllabus he got from the headteacher. The truth was that Minhyung preferred lessons based on discussion, conversation and group activation. I agreed with him that we learned the most at that time. Paperwork bored him and he always needed additional motivation to get through even two more pages full of someone else's scribble. "When are you going to check it out?" I asked when it became clear to me that his goal for today was to come clean with everything this week that he had written in commitments.

"Soon," he assured, grinning at me.

"Have you already checked mine?" I asked with pure curiosity. I knew that I wouldn't get my assessment right now but I wanted to awaken him a bit. It was logical, and so we agreed, that with the thick line we need to cut off the teacher-student relationship at school from the boyfriend-boyfriend relationship at home. Work-life balance, as they say in all textbooks on health, happiness and fulfillment in professional and family life.

"I always leave yours at the end" Minhyung gave me a charming smile, leaning back slightly in the chair to see me.

"Why?" I was surprised. This is the first time I've heard of this type of tactic.

"Because otherwise I have no motivation to finish and I always wait for your work," he whispered in a romantic casanova tone, combing a long strand of hair behind my ear. "I wonder what my sunshine made up again for the purposes of the story?" he muttered, pulling me lightly closer. I smirked as our lips made contact. Simple pleasure and it could cheer up so much.

"A boy for a medal" I joked subtly so as not to cross the border. Sometimes I was getting lost in mockery and there was no turning back then.

"A golden one in addition."   
  


❤

We chose the movie _Always_. The story revolves around the life of a blind girl who meets a former boxer and, of course, they fall in love with each other. Of course 2.0 - it turns out that they are connected by a dramatically shared past, which somewhat puts question mark over their love and the common future begins to being wrapped by the bonds of uncertainty. A kind of tendentious melodrama but for Donghyuck it was just enough to let his nose sniffle at least from the middle of the film. At the moment of the greatest tension, he squatted on the couch, grabbing my hand tightly, then pressed trembling form emotionts mouth to it and continued to follow the story of the characters on the screen with glazed eyes.

"Why do such beautiful loves always have so many problems along the way and usually end badly?" muttered under breath, dropping from strength. He sat down next to me and nestled with a nostalgic sigh in chest.

"Honey, the movie is not over yet, give them a chance," I asked, trying to calm him down somehow. Dohghyuck, however, was living the life of a blind girl to such an extent that my words didn't reach him. On the contrary. Even more emotionally distracted.

"How is it even possible to make a happy end from such a shit?" he asked hysterically, looking at the boy who was bleeding out on the street. "Oh, god..." he sighed dramatically. I smiled under breath, biting lip so that I wouldn't laugh right away. A tearful Hyuck is also a very irritable Hyuck, which I wanted to avoid today. I thought that I would just let him experience all this cinematic ecstasy. That's why I put my arm around him and pulled to chest.

Less than two weeks ago we were watching the _Miracle in cell number 7_. Back then it was a hysteria. Donghyuck was still crying for an hour after the end of the movie. I was also moved in some way because it was really sad but it took me less than ten minutes to gloze over the tragic end with blowing nose and rubbing eyes. We had a different susceptibility breakpoint, it was beyond doubt. But someone had to be back up in a situation where in _The last song_ , Ronnie's father died of cancer and Kate in _My sister's keeper_ for leukemia. For Hyuck, it was important to discuss emotional problems and family dramas in movies like _The Lovely Bones_ or mental illness and social pathologies with _We must talk about Kevin_ or _Elephant song_. That's why when I hear: _I feel like a melodrama today_ , I always have a packet of handkerchiefs on hand, a warm arm up my sleeve and a prepared final speech, as if the film turned out to be a topic for discussion.

The spasmodic thrust of the nose meant that melodrama came to an end today and we could scratch out _Always_ from Hyuck's Crying List. We looked for a moment at the end credits in thought, giving tears to the boy, honoring them with a symbolic minute of silence.

"Why are you watching that kind of movies when its always ending in tears?" I finally asked, wiping the wet cheeks of Donghyuck with sleeve. I kissed each of them individually, sensing their strong warming.

"Because I can't do it differently," he murmured, wiping nose on his own sleeve. There were handkerchiefs on the table but clearly the sweater was the quicker solution. I didn't comment.

"What can't you do?" I asked in a whisper, looking him in the eye.

"Cry," he answered quietly, returning the look. And that was the truth. Donghyuck cried very rarely. Something very traumatic must have happened in his life, so that tears would appear in eyes. I had the same but it seemed to me that it was already a property of people after transitions, in strong emotions or long-term mistuning.

"I hate to watch you cry, so maybe it's even better," I said honestly, giving him a quick kiss. "Then my heart always hurts," I confessed, half-whispering, turning a kiss into something much deeper.

It was also a kind of ritual.

I didn't understand why but after the melodramas we usually ended in bed. This may have resulted from the fact that we need to fill an emotional emptiness or fear that our life could be transformed into a melodrama just like on the screen. However, always after such a dose of sorrow, we tried to somehow patch this hole that appeared in the heart and let it flow to the top of the black scenarios. I didn't know if it was a good mechanism. It seemed to us that it certainly didn't threaten and didn't harm us or our relationship in general. It came quite naturally - the need for a second body much closer than we have it on a daily basis.

Next pieces of clothing slipped from the couch to the floor and hands wandered through the naked body, looking for warmth, which could warm them up. They were looking for warmth that could provide them with the fact that we are still for each other and we didn't melt in the air. The grip of the arms provided a connection, nails embedded in the back gave us a sense of reality and the body entering into the other body an temporal illusion of unity, which protected our existence from fragmentation and sinking into that fragmentation that marked the end of our common existence.  
  


❤

And that's how our Sunday evening made its life on the couch. We lay naked on each other, under a blanket and watched the cartoons amidst the fragrance of pizza surrounding us, which came out of the empty cardboard lying on the floor next to the TV set. We didn't have the strength or the will to make dinner. Mostly is was me who refused making it because from Minhyung in the kitchen there was more harm than good.

Watching Tom and Jerry, I couldn't get over with the admiration that watching it as an adult was completely different in case of perceiving those old stories than as a kid. Some character behaviors now seemed clearly ambiguous and metaphors more expressive. The rich sphere of understatement in some sense was not available to us when we were in primary school.

"I've always been curious about what Tom's owner looks like," I murmured dreamily, drawing circles with index finger on Minhyung's shoulder. "Such enormous puzzles of our childhood that will never be solved."

"I used to find your similarity to Jerry funny," the blond laughed under breath, combing my hair gently. I pulled eyebrows in astonishment, rising slightly upward. I looked at Minhyung with amusement, resting forearms on his chest.

"What's so similar in us?" I asked and the boy just shrugged.

"Now not much actually," he said with unflagging satisfaction. "He reminds me of you from youth times more," boy confessed. "There has always been a lot of you everywhere, you have accosted, you provoked, you have done pranks," listed with a smile on lips. However, I was unable to reciprocate this smile. His words meant something completely opposite to positive memories for me. "What's going on?" Mark became curious when he noticed that his humorously colored retrospection didn't improve my mood the way he expected.

"Doesn't it concern you that I'm not like that anymore?" I asked in a voice full of doubt. It was really bothering me recently and to tell the truth, it was bothering me just from the start of our unexpected relationship. I just haven't a courage to say it aloud.

"Like what?" he murmured questioningly, sensing that our conversation was entering a very boggy ground.

"Well, as I used to be in the past," I explained, looking down at my hands. "Doesn't it disturb you that I'm different? Changed?"

"Why are you saying such a nonsense now?" Minhyung laughed in disbelief, as if I had just said the greatest stupidity in entire life. "Of course not," he added after a moment when I didn't react. Boy stroked my cheek with the back of finger and then lifted my chin gently up. I gave him a worried look. "If it bothers me, then we wouldn't be here now - together, on one couch, in a relationship, freshly after sex," he said with a smile lurking somewhere in the corners of mouth. "Come on, smile," he asked, putting a strong kiss on my shoulder. "It was humorous statement," he added, as if I didn't get all the clues he sent me.

"Sometimes I have the impression that we are in this relation in which we are only because you have some kind of senseless guilt," I told him my thoughts, slightly wincing. I didn't feel comfortable myself saying it out loud. Apparently, we had Sunday in the name of mutual charging today but it was also needed in every relationship. Without any doubts, everything would seem almost unrealistic perfectly. Sometimes it was necessary to bring ordinary dreams and reverie back to earth, to real life.

"Donghyuck, for god's sake, what kind of stupidity are you talking about again?" Minhyung murmured powerlessly, as if my grumbling and dragging the dirt to the top were some kind of repertoire to destroy an evening that was going to be great. "I am with you because I love you," he said, voice trembling with a suppressed laughter of helplessness. "We have no relation from feeleng pity, attachment or a sense of commitment on my part, yours or anyone else's," Minhyung explained with conviction, trying to speak to me with the most emphatic words. And maybe it was stupid but sometimes I needed such assurances that were the answer to my childhood fears. "I live in the belief that we are in a relationship because we love each other. If you want, then you can put me right but I always thought so," Minhyung said with a heavy sigh, as if really couldn't add anything else to the subject, as if all the most important arguments were brought up.

"I don't want to," I denied, shaking head from side to side. I wouldn't like to deny his words, even if they really were a lie. "You're right," whispered, hiding nose in the hollow of his neck. "It's probably because of this movie. It infuriated me with a strange mood," I explained, pulling the blanket harder on our bodies. Evidently I needed heat. Minhyung began slowly moving fingers over my back, carefully examining their curvature and convexity.

"But they finally found each other and still loved each other. In spite of everything," he noticed, finally reaching the dimples just above my ass. "Just like us," he added calmly, breathing deeply.

"Why do you think I cried so much?" I whispered without much emotion, almost empty, closing eyelids tired after all this day.

I focused on Minhyung's steady breathing and the sensations flowing from my body. Boy's fingers still continued their slow journey across my body. Mark drew few strange figured patterns on my buttocks with his fingertips. We have sunk in silence, perhaps thinking about the same, perhaps something completely different. Sometimes we have such moments of common reverie. I never knew what to believe. I think we both need somehow to work on some issues with ourselves. Look inside of these lost puzzles that have destroyed images with the potential to be works of art.

"Besides, you haven't changed that much" Minhyung finally said when he reached the scars on my thighs. For reasons unknown to me, he liked to stop at them. As a rule, he thoroughly examined each of them with fingertips, as if wanted to engrave them in memory.

"No?" I was surprised, not opening eyes. I sighed quietly, bettering myself on the boy's chest.

"No. Completely" he stated categorically without a moment's hesitation. "You're almost the same to me as you used to be," he muttered under breath, resting cheek on my temple hidden in his neck. "You just grew up a bit and you matured" Minhyung explained calmly the usual process within us over the years.

"I'm not sure..." I whispered, wanting to succumb to this theory. I didn't know, however, whether it would be a shortcut.

"But I am," Minhyung laughed softly. "If you were the same now as at the age of twelve, I would probably suspect you are retarded," he said again with a humorous undertone but this time I laughed.

"You always know what to say," I whispered with mockery, being on the edge of sleep and waking.

"All me" boy sighed heavily, eventually laying hand on my buttock with no puropse of changing its place.


	25. Bad day

When I opened eyes in the morning, my first thought was that today I would like to have desire to be productive instead of being such a couch potato as I always am. I greeted the day with a loud and wide yawn, shutting off the annoying alarm clock sound. I glanced dully at Donghyuck, who curled up on the opposite side of the bed and didn't move at all at the sound of sick-making beeping. I rubbed eyes slowly and shook his arm.

"Time to get up," I murmured, sliding off the bed with all remaining strength. I stretched slowly, feeling that it was getting worse with each morning. Getting old wasn't my favourite procedure. Going down the stairs to the kitchen, each next step was a real torment. I narrowed eyes, absolutely not prepared for the amount of bright light that attacked me on the ground floor. I always forgot to cover the balcony doors in the living room with the thick curtains and every day they made me realize how messy my life is. "Donghyuck!" I yelled loudly as the minutes passed and boy still didn't show up downstairs. "Don't do this to me, kid," I moaned in a pained voice, pouring juice into our glasses. I really, really didn't want to go upstairs again and revive him from sleepy hebetude. "Hyuck!" I tried again, standing at the foot of the stairs. After listening for a moment for any sign of life, I came to the conclusion that there was no murmur from up there. I swore under breath, putting foot on the first step. "Hello, we're getting up," I shouted, being almost on the threshold of our bedroom. "You don't even know how badly you will have to please me for that," I murmured more to myslef then to him as I entered the dark room. Boy was still in the same place, not even moving a millimeter. "Donghyuck, what are you doing for fuck's sake?" sighed in irritation as I approached the window and began to lift the blinds quickly, glancing one by one at my bedside watch. "We'll be late," I said, glancing at the brunet who, to my surprise, was not sleeping at all. "Earth to Hyuck" I joked, ignoring the very strange feeling that was growing in my heart, which I tried to ignore at all costs. I caught the quilt gently, wanting to throw it away from the boy's body.

"Stop," he whispered blandly, pulling it back to him.

"Hey, sleepy baby," I murmured, sitting down beside him on the edge of the bed. It occurred to me that I couldn't suppress these thoughts any longer. It really was happening and I had to face it like a real man, although I wasn't ready for anything like that at all. Donghyuck just had this mythical bad day, which I haven't had the opportunity to experience during our relationship yet. His mother often told me how it looked like and how to deal with it but in the face of a real thing occurance, all these advices slipped my mind and I felt almost as helpless as if I had never received any hints. "What's going on?" I asked stupidly, though I knew perfectly well the real cause. I was hoping, however, that he would somehow answer me, laugh this bad joke down and go downstairs to eat breakfast together like every morning. Donghyuck, after all, remained silent, staring blindly at an indefinite point outside the window. I sighed heavily, dropping head. "Would you like to eat some good breakfast?" I asked, even though it was like talking to a brick wall. "Mhm" I muttered under breath, also looking out of the window, as if there were all the answers and instructions of conduct. We sat in silence for a moment. I was looking for any place to start but I could not find it. "So we're staying home today..." I muttered more to myself, not even expecting any reaction from Hyuck. I rubbed eyes, wanting to get rid of the completely different kind of fatigue this time. I rested head on hands, sitting with legs apart. "Okay..." I whispered, getting up from bed. I had to start looking for an excuse to call the school. Diarrhea? Cold? Funeral? I didn't know what I had used and what I had not yet had. I was lying definitely too much nowadays.

"Go," I heard a quiet grunt. I looked at Donghyuck uncertainly. He didn't look pale or sickly. He looked tragically tired, with no will to live. I don't think I needed to explain why this last observation worried me the most.

"Hm? But what for?" I asked in a false, joyful tone that was so forced that it hurt me. He wasn't a child, though. Still and all I was very worried about him to the extent I was't really able to behave rationally. "Without you? That make no sense" I heaved a sigh.

"Go," he repeated with slight irritation, as if my presence was totally out of place. I stood there for a moment by the bed, not quite knowing which decision to make. On the one hand, I was sincerely afraid to leave him alone at home and on the other I knew that if I took day off again, I would lose my job faster then I could even imagine. We had to have some source of income. 

"For sure?" I asked uncertainly, getting only eyes shut for a longer moment as a response. "But if I write to you or call you, will you answer?" made sure, getting panicky. I started to kick my heels and Donghyuck again closed eyelids for a longer time. "Okay..." I sighed heavily, feeling anxiety deep in heart. I wanted to treat him as a grown-up person who could take care of himself but I had no idea if he could do it in this state. I didn't know anything. "I'll bring you breakfast soon. Just try to get a little nibble of it" I asked in the end, deciding to give him a credit of trust. My only doubt was whether it was reasonable to take it as right.

❤

"Did you eat anything?" I heard Mark's voice, reverberating down the hall.

He wandered from the wall to the window, chewing thumb, as if the answer that was to come had stressed him a lot. It was stressing him to extent he had to leave classroom during the lesson and make a phone call, leaving students completely unattended during the classes. If I was inherently mischievous, I'd love to report it. Despite everything, I still couldn't decide what to do with this whole situation in which I found myself recently.

"At least you drank cocoa?" he sighed heavily, resting hand on hip. Lee focused eyes on the view outside the window, making a sour face. "Drink cocoa, please," he murmured helplessly, kicking radiator in front of him lightly. "Do you want me to come home?" Mark asked, making the pose, as if he were able to quit everything and leave the school at the moment. It seemed that he was really struggling with a serious problem and this problem concerned Donghyuck. "Well... I'm going to finish soon anyway. I love you, honey," he murmured at the end, ending conversation. "But if you won't drink this shitty cocoa, I will fucking kill you, I swear" he added under breath, sighing in exasperation, then dialed another number. I smiled under breath. As you can see, each love has its two ends. "Hello? Yes, hello, mom, I have a problem," he said at the start, putting me in consternation. From what I knew and from what he himself said, his parents died several years ago. Did he lie to me? "It's about this therapy today... No, nothing serious. It's just... Donghyuck has this worse day and it doesn't make sense to drag him to this meeting. Can you postpone it somehow for another day later this week or something?" he asked, peering nervously inside the classroom. It occurred to me that he was talking to Hyuck's mother. "I don't know, just in the morning he didn't want to get up at all... I'm in school now but after this class I'm rushing back home... Would you like to come to dinner tomorrow? Maybe it will help him in some way, I don't know..." Mark sighed heavily as if were really catching on to any solution, even the stupidest. "To scare is really little said. I was about to shit my pants when he didn't want to get up... Mom, it's not funny" he started laughing, denying previous words completely. "Thanks a lot, see you soon then" finished the conversation, sighing heavily. I accelerated pace, catching him by the door.

"Hey" I greeted as if nothing had happened. Mark gave me a wary, slightly upset look. "Have you seen Hyuck today?" I asked, though I could guess that the answer would be negative. Despite everything, I wanted to let him know that our unpleasant exchange last week didn't close the topic.

"He won't be in class today," Mark replied harshly.

"Something happened? He would let me know," I said with conviction, although in reality I didn't have such a communication system with this boy. In a way, it pleased me to see how perfect Mark Lee loses a bit of his confidence.

"He has a worse day today, that's all" as he said that, Mark glared at me unfavorably from head to toe. Maybe I should withdraw and know my place in the line but simply couldn't. Very rarely have my pride let me back off.

"For sure? I'm worried about it" I admitted quite honestly. Lee's words didn't sound right. Donghyuck's condition seemed truly disturbing.

"Stop here, man" he looked at me with unpleasantly appraising eyes. "Take finally care of yourself. It will be better for everyone this way," Mark said irritably, entering the classroom with impetus.

❤

When I got home, Donghyuck was still in the same position as before. Breakfast, of course, was untouched but the goddamn cocoa somehow managed to go down his throat. I sighed heavily, rubbing tired eyes. At least this. I had to admit to myself that I was really relieved when I saw him because I wasn't that certain if levaing brunet all alone was such a good and reasonable idea. I could't be sure that he wouldn't do anything to himself. Maybe I didn't like the feeling of distrust of my own boyfriend, that at some point mastered my heart, but it was really difficult to reject such a scenario at a distance.

I went to the sleeping Hyuck to gently kiss him on forehead. I was wondering if it was really that stupid to thank him in the spirit for being here safe and sound? There was a confusion in my head. I looked reluctantly at the full plate with untasted breakfast and suddenly felt how much I was tired. How much I didn't have the strength to work, disguise or normal, common functioning. I got home and didn't want to do anything. That's why I passed our bed by slowly and went to the chair where I left shirt and sweatpants in the morning. It was high time to take off this tie and uncomfortable, sweating jacket.

I slid slowly under the covers and moved closer to Donghyuck. I embraced boy gently with arm around waist to feel a little warmth of his body after this psychically knackering day. Haechan, however, apparently didn't sleep at all, as I suspected at the beginning. He turned slowly towards me and nestled up to my chest tightly.

"I'm sorry," he whispered sleepily, slipping legs between mine. He did it very slowly and without using much force but made any move at all at least. And the little things in this regard enjoyed as much as the huge progress.

"Don't be," I murmured, brushing his hair back from forehead. When I kissed it, it didn't feel warmer than usual. Hope that this morning was just the prelude to a cold was as short-lived as a soap-bubble. "We want to take a bath?" I asked, wondering if it would be helpful to wake him up a little bit. But when Donghyuck shook head in denial, letting out a growl of dissatisfaction, I was glad. I didn't feel like activating myself as well. Living in dirt this one time didn't seem to be a bad option. At least we lived in the dirt together. "And will we want to do it tomorrow?" I thought after a long moment. I counted on boy's response to give me a minimum of what I can expect at the nearest sunrise.

"Mhm" muttered reluctantly.

"That's great" I yawned, covering us tightly with the quilt. I liked some things to be planned.

❤

When I saw my mother on the doorstep, I could almost read full message from her face: _Minhyung lost his shit, so here I am_. Nevertheless, I was glad to see her because conversations over the phone couldn't replace the everyday physical contact that we had before my not entirely voluntary moving out. That's why we greeted each other warmly and I was kissed from every possible side of my face. After entering the kitchen, Mark gave me a smile of a man aware that _we would talk about it later_ thing is inevitable but still proud of himself. All I had left was to sigh heavily in spirit and somehow live with the fact that I give my loved ones more worries than a smile on their faces.

Lunch passed in a very friendly atmosphere. We were joking, we were discussing and it was just nice. Minhyung's relationship with my mother was unconstrained or prejudiced. Their conversation was fluid and out of any possible awkwardness. I knew that sometimes they meet without me, touching on their strange subjects and discuss matters that concern me, although I am absent. Sometimes, I felt like a legally incapacitated person whose life decisions were made somewhere higher. Mark's communication with my mother only made me realize that these meetings were rather more frequent than I initially thought. From time to time it irritated and saddened me but overall it was ok. I preferred this kind of strength distribution than if they keep switching hats and hate each other. I could endure one hopeless parent but without the support of both, I would probably break down. Therefore, instead of reprimanding Minhyung secretly trysts with a woman he already called his mother, I decided to give up and let go. Boy had no one here beside me. In fact, he was an orphan, so depriving him of this relationship or making him reproach because of making my mother a mother of two sons would be inappropriate. All in all, if a woman did not propose it to him herself, then blond wouldn't be like that in life. Since, therefore, they had such a reciprocal agreement, I agreed with it silently as well.

After meal, I offered to make dishes since my mother prepared everything else. After a moment of rest, we were about to sit in front of the television with the cake Minhyung bought. That's why for the time being I was left alone over the sink and boy offered my mother that he would show her flower borders we made last week. Finally, they disappeared on the terrace behind the house and I sighed heavily, puffing dirty plates with a sponge. However, it didn't take long. I couldn't stand in a place with the awareness that as usual some strange decisions were about to be made behind my back.

I went discreetly to Minhyung's office. As a rule, there was always an open window there, because room was located in the depths of the house and there was some problem with the flow of air. Fate also wanted the window to be in direct contact with the terrace, so I didn't even have to strain myself to clearly hear every word of them.

"It horrified you, am I right?" my mother laughed, as if Minhung's panic really made her day.

"Well, it was something unusual, I admit but being horrified is probably too strong term," boy wriggled uncomfortably. Everyone knew the real answer anyway. Blond was a complete drama queen sometimes. I understood that he was concerned about my health in own, caring way. He loved me, so he worried. It seemed natural because I would have reacted similarly.

"And how are you living? Are you doing fine? If it's financially..." woman became anxious, entering with her question into the sphere that worried me either. Actually, I didn'tt know anything about the money we have. Mark effectively distracted me from all matters related to the budget. I wouldn't be surprised at all, as if one day the bailiff came to us and said that he was occupying the plot, because we didn't pay any wild fees, names of which were also beyond my reach. Mark didn't want me to worry about anything other than study. He was probably unaware that financial worries and big ifs sowed even bigger havoc in it. Such a secret didn't have a protective function in my case. I always felt like a parasite or a dependent child, not a full-fledged partner who has his own, partial contribution to the relationship and common household.

"There is nothing to talk about, really. Everything's okay," Minhyung, however, interrupted her with a calm voice.

"For sure?" 

"Yeah" boy assured and it seems to me that he didn't lie. "I haven't told Hyuck yet but a newspaper in Canada has been interested in my articles recently," he said calmly and it surprised me a bit. Although I laughed at times and taunted him that he could start to do something with his book or the literature he studied. However, I never thought that Mark would actually move lazy butt in that direction. He always wanted to do it so I've never understood why he didn't give it a try. Minhyung had possibilities, he had talent and my grudge, which I guess finally reached something. "I got a literary corner there and they pay surprisingly well," he explained to my mother, probably being genuinely amazed at the amount of the remuneration for the order. "Besides the teacher's job here, I was thinking about submitting teacher's papers to a language school as a native speaker. There are many possibilities but for now there is no need to think about it, if we can manage the way it is now," boy assured, using the calm tone that he always used when something worried me a lot. I assumed that our financial state apparently gave her many sleepless nights. I wasn't shocked by it at all. In the end, she had to hand over the care of me to the older boy just like that, almost immediately. She finished with cooking for me, doing laundry or going shopping together to buy some things necessary for school or clothes. Suddenly, all duties to me, which Minhyung had taken up form her, ceased. Mom certainly didn't feel comfortable with it.

"But he's not a burden to you?" she made sure, asking a question that had hit my lips many times but remained unspoken.

"No way," Minhyung denied it instantly. "Circumstances of all this are rather bleak but I'm really happy that we live together," he assured calmly, making a short pause. I sat on the back of couch, wondering if they had something interesting to say. When I was about to return to the sink, it turned out that they really did. "Actually, I have to share something with you about Hyuck..." Minhyung began uncertainly and I crossed arms. I was even prepared to admit to eavesdropping so that I could make later a fuss if it'll be something rude.

"Anything happened?" woman asked, thus expressing my question as well. At times, Mark's silence became pathological. If he had any problems, then they became our common. We were in a relationship - shared a house, we shared a bed and life, so problems also became a shared part, which Minhyung somehow was unable to comprehend for so long, although he supposedly had more life experience than me.

"No, not exactly... It's more like just my thoughts," he murmured, sighing heavily. "The point is that Hyuck will finish school soon," he said in a way as if one of us was at least dying of a serious illness. "Some time ago we talked about it and he's terribly afraid that has too many backlogs to get to a better major that he even don't want to study..." Minhyung began slowly, probably monitoring my mother's reactions. Subject of education was quite sensitive to her. I think she knew deep in heart that education in my case would be some kind of tragic disaster but there was still more hope on the surface that I would study something that would give me good money in the future. "Have you ever heard him singing?" Minhyung asked firmly, as if was putting everything on one card.

"No, never... Maybe a few times when he was playing the piano..." woman was clearly confused. Just like me. I didn't think his stressed speech would be about that.

"Hyuck sings beautifully" boy assured my mom with such conviction, as if I almost already gave million concerts in our village. "Although I only heard a little bit of it when he was cooking or doing laundry, but..."

"What is it for, Minhyung?" my mother finally lost patience.

"I would like to offer him studies in Canada or States," he said matter-of-factly, causing the silence between them. "There are much more opportunities there, a million offers in which they do not require such exorbitant results as in Korea or extraordinary skills supported by certificates" he tried again but once again was bunkered by woman's silence. My mother must have been shocked. At first, her son moved out and now his boyfriend declares that he wants to take him out of the country completely. It could not be easy-peasy and pleasant. "Without your consent, of course, I won't talk to him about it, but... it's worth considering," he added calmly and conclusively after a while. It didn't make sense to exert pressure on her.

"I need to think about it. You must give me some time," she finally replied in a weak voice.

It made me feel bad about the fact that...

I actually wanted to leave.

I just wanted to escape.

I got up slowly from the couch and decided to wash this guilt from heart and let it down in the drain of sink along with dirt from the rest of the dishes. As I left, I heard Minhyung's repentant and humble reply.

"Of course. It was just a suggestion. "


	26. Harmful presumptions

I was sitting in the library and browsing internet for study offers tendered by foreign universities. I didn't know exactly how Mark's vision associated with this trip looks like. I wasn't able to look for something I had no idea about. Minhyung himself couldn't help me because my eavesdropping would come to light. There was something new, interesting and satisfying about looking for a solution for your own hand. I felt a thrill of excitement flowing through me about the fact that I can really change something in my life, that I am not doomed to misery in this village until the end of our days.

Idea and everything Mark said made some kind of sense. Working in a cafe, bar or club until retirement was not the peak of dreams, although I wasn't able to determine the shape of these dreams. Subconsciously, I felt, despite everything, that there was nothing around me that I was looking for. Korea simply didn't associate me too well and that was the main problem. I've met with a lot of bad things here and would be grateful for any opportunity to cut myself off from them. Even if my childhood was happy, the entire teenage period was definitely not form this scope of emotions. Problems at school, at home, in my own head. I had to start doing something with myself. I couldn't be Minhyung's sugar baby forever, though boy could and would like to be my sugar daddy. This arrangement didn't look fair.

"What are you poring over?" I heard Frank's voice first and then saw him when man sat beside me.

"I'm looking at different schools' offers," I sighed heavily because for the last hour I've not achieved anything at all. I still knew almost as much as before entering the library.

"What kind of schools?" he got interested, getting closer to the monitor. I was hoping that if he came, he would offer some support. As a teacher who was abroad, Frank certainly had a lot of knowledge in the topic that now interested me. "States?" man got sincerely astonished. I nodded. "Why are you so hot for it so suddenly?" he asked almost accusingly, which shocked me. I thought he would approve of my choice somehow. Or at least he won't be so unequivocally skeptical. I guess I was wrong after all.

"Hmm... A friend made me realize that this possibility even exists. I thought it'll be a shame not to take into consideration such an opportunity," I said cautiously, discreetly retracting chair to escape Frank's excessive intimacy. I felt bad about our closeness. I thought it was inappropriate not only because I had a boyfriend but also because we were no longer intimately connected. We had a purely school relationship now. "Escape from Ansan" I added quickly when saw that my action didn't go unnoticed to the man's attention. Inaldi smiled sourly under breath.

"Mark Lee friend?" he suggested with a sneer and I looked down at keyboard.

"Sort of..." I murmured, glancing at the photo of The State University of New Jersey. There was silence between us for a long time.

For some time I suspected that he could guess everything. After all our unfortunate meeting in three people after Minhyung classes, the atmosphere in our relation has undergone significant changes. However, I avoided this topic during classes in the music room and tried to ignore the verbal taunts of the teacher that could lead him to anything. I just had to accept that he knows it all. As long as Frank didn't do anything about it, I pretended that the subject did not exist.

"May I have a request for you?" he finally asked. I bit lower lip gently, turning to face the man and then nodded. Frank sighed heavily, making a sore face. It never heralded anything good. "Don't strike me out so completely, Donghyuck," he whispered and I gave him a pleading look. I never wanted this conversation between us _ever_ to take place. Frank, however, didn't wait for my answer. He only started to push further, worsening the whole situation. "I know you're with _him_ , okay? I also know that at the moment I have no chance. Mark..." he began but lost thought halfway. Man pulled eyebrows as if was trying to catch up with it but all in all seemed to change his mind. "Even if I sound miserable at this point, I don't want to just give up like that right away, you understand?" he asked with a ferocious determination in eyes. For a moment I didn't answer, looking for the inner remnants of assertiveness. It wasn'tt an easy task for me as a person who had never had a similar dilemma before.

"And I don't want to give you any hope, Frank," I finally whispered after a few seconds that seemed to be eternal. "That would be the worst thing I can do," said with more determination in voice but still somehow adequately quiet. Despite everything, we were in the library. "Let you wait, although I know perfectly well that it doesn't make sense," I added at the end, noticing that it was hard for him to digest my decision.

We sat in silence for a long while. I was tense, expecting an answer, or at least any reaction from the man and Frank, in turn, leaned forward and placed arms against knees on spaced legs, devoting himself to private contemplation. I regretted that I couldn'tt decipher Inaldi's thoughts or help him accept such a state of things but...

"As you wish" he finally said quite harshly in not a pleasant whisper at all. Then rose abruptly from chair and left library in a hurry. Librarian sent me an unfavorable look, as if confusion caused by this incident was my fault. I winced apologetically, turning back to the computer. For a short time I was thinking that talking to Minhyung about it would be everyting I should do but later it came to me that I'm not so sure if it is the right decision.  
  


❤

As I stood in the door of the room, Donghyuck sat at the piano and silently slid fingers over the keys, his lips moving silently. Apparently, today's meeting was much more stressful for him than I originally suspected. Maybe I shouldn't have made him understand that I was looking forward to this day and his performance. However, I wasn't here as an examiner and teacher, but as Hyuck's boyfriend, who only wanted to finally see a little more of this carefully hidden talent.

"Hey" I greeted, pulling him out of this strange trance. I closed door behind, cutting us off from the rest of the world. Hyuck looked at me with indecision painted in eyes. His left leg began to twitch nervously.

"Hi," he replied, wiping sweaty palms discretely against thighs. "How was the duty hours?" boy asked, waiting for me to sit astride on the bench next to him.

"Come on, what a sick action..." I started with amusement, putting hand on his shaking knee. I smiled reassuringly making small circles on his leg with thumb . "A girl from your class came to me. She said she didn't understand the reported speech but..." I began to laugh at the memory itself. I gave Hyuck a confused and apologetic look. "You know, she dressed herself as if she wanted help with education for family life, not any kind of speech," I said, combing hair nervously. "Personally? I was scandalized," I said, seeing Haechan's embarrassed expression. I didn't know which one of us is more uneasy. Hyuck because he was in that class or me because I decided to confide in him.

"And how did you survive?" asked, smiling uncertainly.

"My aunt called and I told this girl that I need to cancel my duty hours today because of family matters," I shrugged. I've always been good at jugglery and getting out of the worse.

"Something happened?" Hyuck asked, not quite understanding that I simply lied to this girl.

"No" I denied it quickly. "She was relaying good news and cool offers that I will tell you later," I said, smiling devilishly under breath. "Let's take care of what you have prepared for me first" I suggested nodding head towards the piano. Today music was in the first place. My aunt's chatter could wait.

"I think I've exaggerated this proposal so quickly," he said, looking fearfully at instrument. "Maybe let's get back home today and some other time..." brunet began to avoid and withdraw from his own proposals. I didn't understand why. He wanted it so badly before.

"No" I decided firmly. "We live once, Hyuck. I love you, it will be good," I assured, nodding toward the keys that were asking for a melody. "What are you afraid of?" I asked when after a while he still did nothing but stare at the ivories in front of him.

"That I'll make a fool of myself," he whispered and I laughed.

"Honey, I'm not a music critic. I don't have a clue about it," I said simply. "You could tweedle something like _Old Macdonald had a farm_ and I would be delighted anyway," I joked, bringing Hyuck out in little laughter. Boy shook head from side to side with disbelief for my stupidity but at least he smiled. In this setup, I had no trouble making a fool of myself. Hyuck's satisfaction was one of the most valuable commodities in my life. You couldn't simply buy such things. You had to deserve it.

"You're right," he muttered uncertainly, placing fingers carefully on the piano keys. Hyuck hit a few test sounds, then grunted and began to whirl like a cat on a hot tin roof. "But you promise that you will love me even if I turn out to be a man with no talent?" he asked in a strained voice, pecking chosen white rectangles with fingertips, moving lips the same way as when I entered the room.

"I promise," assured, slowly moving closer to him.

"Keep your distance because I'm more stressed when you're puffing at me," he murmured and before I could answer or make any move, he started to play a calm melody without any warning. Discreetly I slipped back a bit but also without exaggeration. I wanted to have a good view of him and be at hand if necessary.

As the melody filled the room, Hyuck's focus was at its zenith. I began to wonder if this is his own work or maybe some well-known piece. Actually, I had no idea what he would present to me - I went on guessing, without much expectations. In spite of everything, it seemed to me that somewhere I had to hear it. Donghyuck did not play at home and I rarely caught him humming, so I didn't think it was because of him that a deeply laid string in my memory was shaken.

" _Whenever I count the stars at night, I hear the sound of your voice_ ".

He began uncertainly and the missing pieces of the puzzle began to appear in my head. It was a very old song, probably dating back to the late 1980s. In any case, certainly a lot older than me. When I was still small, my mother hummed it under breath very often, feeling certainly a kind of sentiment to this ballad, which perhaps was the hymn of her youth. I was wondering how Hyuck knew this song. It is true that it experienced golden times again when we went to elementary school but Hyuck was also far too small to remember it. However, I had to admit that with each word that left his larynx, specific parts of our common past came to life im my heart that I suspected of being forgotten.

" _While watching the night sky, I feel your breath_ ".

Behind the story of this song, of course, was a love story. From what I was able to extract from the remnants of memory, Yoo Jae Ha created this song for the girl in which he fell in love at first sight. It was her who inspired a large part of his work. Somehow shortly after the release of _My dear, come into my arms_ , he died but I was unable to remember in what circumstances it took place. Or maybe I never knew it? It wasn't even significant at all. At this point what was much more important were Donghyuck and his beautiful voice, that for some reason became very emotional and almost nostalgic.

" _If you, my dear, leave my side, I'll follow you all the way, all the way till it's all over_ ".

With each successive verse, the boy seemed to be more and more into the melody, leaving behind all the nervousness that accompanied him when he began to press the keys and the first introductory sounds to the song appeared. I couldn't help but admire how gentle and soothing his voice was. I was sitting in a trance and had the feeling that my world can collapse right now and that voice would soften any injuries that I would suffer as a result. I've moved to a world narrowed to the perspective only of the two of us.

" _My love, my dear, come into my arms and close your eyes._ "

Singing this fragment, he closed eyes and I just sat a little bit closer beside him. I sat and watched Donghyuck, as if I had seen him for the first time in my life. And what I saw was obviously undeniably beautiful and moving. Boy was surrounded by an aura I couldn't adequately put into words. Hyuck emanated with calmness, strength and passion, which was signaled by slightly focused eyebrows and subtly moving lips, which nevertheless released from the interior of boy beautiful and very meaningful words for both of us. Words of great weight dressed in an incredibly colorful range of delicate emotions. This unique palette of feelings, along with the message that was behind performed song, disarmed me internally.

" _My love, my dear, come into my arms..._ " Hyuck's voice shook slightly so I put hand carefully on his thigh. " _...and share a dream of love with me_ " he finished quietly and his index finger slid off unexpectedly from the key and created a tone that was not very pleasant for the ear. Donghyuck sighed irritably at this shortcoming.

"Fuck, I'm so..." I blocked his apologies with a powerful kiss that could last forever if it wasn't for the place where we were at this moment.

"It was wonderful," I whispered immediately, when there appeared a few millimeters space between our faces to express our own opinions. "Don't pluck at it," I murmured, catching him by the hand that was dangerously aiming at wrist. Whenever Hyuck was stressed, he compulsively began to dig nails into old scars. It disturbed me at times but I wasn't a doctor or psychologist to be able to judge similarly self-destructive acts. Perhaps Hyuck nervous tics didn't differ significantly from the norm and just, as usual, I became overly worried.

"I wanted it to be perfect," he confessed, biting gently on lower lip.

"It was" I assured him. "You're a walking talent, Hyuck," I said truthfully, forcing him to look me in the eye. "Thank you for finally opening up to me," I whispered, giving him a really quick kiss. Donghyuck tried to keep eye contact with me for a moment but finally laughed nervously and looked down at our entwined hands. "You blushed!" I noticed with a laugh.

"Not at all!" boy shrugged, crossing arms on chest.

"Yes, you did" I began to tease him.

"You talk stupidity," brunet said tirelessly but in the corners of his mouth a slight smile started to appear.

"Last time I saw you so purple from embarrassment when we were making love for the first time," I whispered, receiving a killing look from the boy with both rosy cheeks and sparkling eyes. The atmosphere between us has become favorable to go to a secluded place far from school. However, this sexually lined mood was interrupted by a loud grunt that immediately moved us away from each other. Having blinders on to everything else at school has never been a good option. At the threshold, however, stood Frank, who looked like a ruffled ferret ready to attack. I rolled eyes. Will he someday fuck off or intend to persecute us forever?

"And you're doing here... what?" he asked patently and with superiority, raising eyebrows high. I sighed heavily. And why did he need some strange display of power and masculinity now. We weren't in the jungle to fight for territory and mark the terrain.

"I just played..." Hyuck responded with pure panic in voice, then lowered head down. "I just wanted to play someting," whispered, as if he really did something wrong. But he didn't. Nothing at all. He was an ordinary student, a kid who wanted to play the piano. There was no point in taking it out on him, since Inaldi was clearly trying to get back at me. "You said I can be here when I want, so... I took advantage of it," brunet added after a moment of silence in the room.

"Yes - to practice" Frank announced harshly, looking me straight in the eye. "Without unnecessary company," added as if in anger. I didn't know where it even came from. After all, he was picking _my_ boyfriend up, not the other way so I think it should be me with te right to get angry. And of course I got.

"I'm sorry I didn't want to..." boy began to explain himself further, but I decided to enter his word. I wasn't going to let anyone else talk to my boyfriend like that. I knew that Donghyuck preferred to avoid arguing, especially if we were at school and it was about two teachers with whom he had previously had a relationship.

"Don't excuse yourself, Hyuck," I said calmly but firmly. "You didn't do anything wrong," I murmured, putting hand gently on his back. Haechan have always been trubled by such disputes terribly hard. At worse times, which he had more and more often recently, each conflict situation brought him closer to breaking the mood. "Hold the keys and wait for me in the car," I ordered, putting him mentioned bunch on lap. "Please, baby," I asked, seeing his obvious resistance.

"Minhyung..." he murmured pleadingly, giving me a frightened look. Donghyuck shook head from side to side, signaling to let it go. I smiled under breath, combing a strand of his hair behind ear.

"Only substantive conversation, I promise," whispered, kissing him on the forehead.

"Don't do anything stupid, I'm begging you," he asked and I rolled eyes.

"I'm wise man here," I joked and Donghyuck just got up from bench with a sour face.

"And that's what I'm afraid of," he sighed heavily, then stepped reluctantly out of room, sweeping Frank widely. I waited a moment with my deep thoughts to make sure that boy was definitely far away enough to not hear anything.

"What the hell is your problem, man?" I asked with genuine fatigue. I really had enough of the fact that this guy kept coming back to our lives like a fucking boomerang. "What exactly do you have a problem with?" I thought aloud but silence answered me. "I see that it's about him. Everyone would see it. I'm not blind," shrugged, stating obvious obviousness. Frank, however, probably didn't know exactly how to respond or comment on this topic at all. There was no point in hiding all this crazy stuff any longer and invoking half-word and guesses. There are some things that need to be done right away and cut the weeds until they grow. "I've been in Hyuck's life forever" I once again took up the topic, aiming to end this monologue. I didn't count on any discussion or explanation of certain things by him. "You were only a small episode," I told with a heavy sigh, rising from the bench. My goal now wasn't to insult him or ridicule, belittling Frank's role in Hyuck's life. It was just a matter of making him realize that he shouldn't get involved anymore. "That's why just let go of him. You don't have a chance here," I said, patting him comfortably on arm on the way out of the room. I only wasted time.

"I see that you are therefore familiar with my episode," he said a little louder to my back because with one leg I was ready to leave the school already. I grunted, clearly indifferent to the fact that I must somehow respond to this desperate provocation that he must have thought up just right now.

"Unfortunately, I couldn't go without this and I would rather prefer to live without knowledge on this subject but - yes" I spreadhands to the sides, signaling him that I have no idea what the intention is to say this fact aloud. "I'm familiar with your _episode_ ," I added, emphasizing the last word clearly to make a point of the transient and temporal nature of their relationship.

"It's fascinating" he smiled underbreath, staring at me defiantly. I frowned at the thought.

"Because as an episode I've never heard of someone who, apparently, has always been in his life," Inaldi said with a smile that suggested that he had somehow felt some kind of triumph at the moment. "So what matters more?" he asked provocatively and I had to admit that I really didn't know how to answer him. That is why there was a silence between us for a long while. His words struck me. They hit my ego. Of course, he could have lied but I didn't think that he was actually allowing it now. Donghyuck simply didn't want to remember me at that time and even if it hurt, that was the truth and I had to live with it. Actually it wasn't anything new - no disruptive kind of fact. Just a mental scar that was painful from time to time in the situation of reminiscence. In the situation like today's.

"The fact that you are wasting your time engaging in a long-lost case in which you never had a chance to win," I finally concluded calmly, though with a certain profession and sadness in heart. Because I had to admit him right. "Farewell" I said goodbye at end and went down corridor, heading for the exit.  
  


❤

I leaned back against the car, carefully monitoring the entrance to the school. Minhyung could be really impulsive at times and I didn't want him to get in trouble anyway. We've had enough of weird adventures and unpleasant events in our lives. Case in court of beating or another prank was not what we needed at the moment. In the end, however, boy went outside and even if he was all around, face told me that he wanted to hit something very hard and smash it but Frank was rather in one piece.

"Is he still alive?" I asked with amusement, wanting to relieve the atmosphere a bit but I didn't quite succeed because Minhyung gave me an irritated look. It baffled me.

"And you won't ask about me?" boy attacked me with real reproach. I rolled eyes. Drama queen entered the dance floor in all its splendor.

"I _can_ _see_ that you are alive," I murmured, coming up to him with open arms, which, however, boy caught halfway to hug him and put back in place along my body. A similar gesture surprised me. Minhyung never denied me closeness. But now it has happened.

"What's going on?" I asked cautiously, approaching a little distantly to such a kind of rejection of the tenderness on my part. Even if Mark was very angry and offended, he always lets me to touch him in any way. Physicality calmed us down and assured of giving ourselves to each other. It was a very important part of our relationship and every verbal scuffle or bigger quarrel. Now this helper has collapsed. Everything is gone.

"He pissed me off," Mark finally said, resting hands on hips. Man looked up with clenched jaw at the sky as if its blueness had some soothing properties he needed. "I'm pissed off so much that I want to knock something down," he added after a moment of contemplation over the sky.

"What did he tell you?" I asked calmly, not wanting to probe too much. Mark was very touchy about Frank, so any unskilled question could have been misinterpreted.

"Never mind" he murmured resignedly, kicking the pebble that had just landed under his sole. That's how I realized that our nice evening actually wouldn't be so nice.

"Minhyung..." I murmured tiredly. I didn't want to go home in that mood.

"What do you actually feel about him?" he asked suddenly instead of answering the question I had asked earlier.

"Do not even start it all again..." I muttered warningly. Minhyung gave me a look full of dissatisfaction and expectation of the answer. "Nothing!" I raised voice under the influence of the non-verbal pressure he exerted on me. "I've told you this million times and you're still tormenting this shitty topic. Let it go already," I pleaded, felling irritation growing in me as well. I wasn't a person who could easily be brought out of balance but like every human being - I had my limits of endurance, the crossing of which resulted in an explosion.

"I cannot, because every fucking time I see him, I have an impression that I don't know something and you're slipping out of my hands!" he replied in the same tone, waving hands vigorously, as if it was better to depict his great agitation this way.

"Minhyung, get your shit together, I'm begging you" I tried again, milder. I grabbed my temples and started looking for adequate words that would be able to speak to the rational part of his brain. To this reasonable Minhyung, which was now dominated by Minhyung nervous Nellie. "I am not going to explain myself to you forever and provide you with fuckwit knows what kind of information because it is simply tiring, you know?," I explained him slowly and as vividly as I could. "If you are going to continue these suspicions and doubts, this is your problem, because I'm fed up with it, you understand?" I asked, looking at him hopefully. He didn't understand. I sighed heavily, lowering arms in the feeling of hopelessness. We were just arguing in the school parking lot about a teacher who had not played any significant role in my life for a long time now.

Paradox?

Senselessness?

Something a bit like this. Even very much.

"Guy acts like he's about to fuck you on that piano. And what should I say? That everything is okay, it's cool and I like it?" Mark started to ask questions like a rifle, approaching me with all the anger he emitted. "Maybe I would not bridle like this, if it didn't look as if you wanted it yourself," he finally said in such a hopeless way and without any grounds that I immediately felt a strange tear break inside me. My arm let off and in a collision with Minhyung's face created a much louder slap than I initially suspected to appear.

"You shouldn't have bedhopped in Canada left and right because I see that it apparently messed something up in your head completely," I said without much thought. I could feel unwanted tears coming to my eyes. Mark put the top of hand to beaten cheek. "Otherwise maybe you would have a healthier look at what a relationship really means and you would see that judging me by your actions is not always a good solution" I strangled myself with the remnants of a voice that struggled with of all the emotions that squeezed me in the hole. "Why are we doing this to ourselves, Minhyung? Why are we wasting precious time on meaningless quarrels and scratching wounds that should have been healed a long time ago? Why are we wasting energy on people who shouldn't be considered as worth caring? Why do we hurt ourselves with such dumb accusations and nasty words that should never spring out? Why are we still hurting each other when there is allegedly so much love between us? Answer me, because I can't explain it rationally," I've crushed out almost everything that has hurt me for a long time in a hysterical manner. I didn't want us to act that way. I didn't want to be one of those hopeless couples who are severely disabled in talking to each other. However, we kept going there. We were lost in a terrible abyss that took all the bright colors that enveloped our lives. It destroyed the light and sowed the darkness, collecting the bloody harvest from our relationship, which again had one of its strange pits. And now we stood here and looked at each other in silence. Minhyung seemed to be as lost as me. It looked that he also didn't know the answer to all these questions. It frustrated me even more. For the first time in a very long time I had to admit that I really didn't want to look at him now. My heart ached with all the nonsense accusations that he was giving me one more time. "Fuck you," I finally said, sniffling. "Fuck you, Minhyung" I repeated, shocked that something similar came through my throat. We couldn't stand here together any longer. I was overwhelmed by too many things to talk to Mark in any way. He had his chance and wasted it. "Go home alone" I murmured, starting to take small steps back. "I don't care," I added, turning on my heel and then walked towards the school gate.

I had no idea where I would go or what I would do. I couldn't go home and it was also stupid to drop a bomb on one of my boys and come out tonight and count on full care. So far, however, I decided to go ahead and try to calm down the vibrating emotions. Conversation like this could not do us any good. In fact, it was likely to only make matters worse. 

I quickly pulled the backpack off my shoulder to look for the tissues. I felt that I was close to hysteria and it started to drip from my nose. At such times, I honestly hated Minhyung. He was currently the only person who could hurt me and he did it with full awareness of a similar fact. Sometimes in such moments I started to wonder if I'm doing something wrong? Or maybe I'm not as good boyfriend as I wish to be? Everything, however, seemed to be in the right place. We lived together, we spent time together and we also had sex quite regularly. I gave everything I could. I gave everything I had and I was tormented by the thought that my everything could still not be enough for Mark.

That maybe the boy was looking for something more.

For something else.

For someone else.

When I finally found a packet of tissues in a pretty repacked backpack, scream behind my back pierced through the grim of my bleak thoughts.

However, before I could see who was shouting and what kind of message is this, I heard a loud and prolonged sound of a horn along with the screeching tires from completely different side.

Before I could code that the scream belonged to Minhyung and message was my name, I felt a terrible pain paralyzing my whole body.

By the time I realized what was actually happening, I was surrounded by complete darkness.

And then there was nothing.


End file.
